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I have lost a "good friend" because I am getting married! I never expected it to happen- I have few enough friends that I can't afford to really lose any. Ugh.
So, long story short: My BM decided she hates the dress I picked out. It makes her look funny, it feels "gross," and would need some minor tailoring (so she said. I've not seen it on her.). She takes this oppertunity to not only tear me a new one about my "selfish disregard for her feelings and her budget" (the dress was only $40!) and how "I keep lying saying I want her to be happy then doing everything I can to make her unhappy." Then, she decided her unhappiness with my dress choice (which is not set in stone!) meant she could say whatever she wanted to me- so she ripped into my color choices, my Wedding Dress choice (!!!), and my date choice.
To top it all off, she went on a tiraid about how all this is a waste of money anyhow because she doesn't think my FI and I (who've been together over 2.5 years at this point) can't possibly last the 5 months to the wedding and if we do we're just going to be divorced inside a year so I ought to call it off! OMG! She not only said this all to me verbally over the phone (twice! Once to me and once to my machine!), but then she compounded it by e-mailing me her hurtful opinions!
I've spent the last two days wanting to cry and freaking out. I don't know how to respond, what to say, how to get my dress back (since I paid for the dress!), or how simply to deal with such a stark betrayal by someone I considered among my best friends.
Sounds like she is in a bad place.
I think you need to delicately let her go as a bridesmaid (but still invite her to the wedding). Make it seem like her decision though.... like open a conversation about that you want the wedding to be a positive experience for everyone and that you can tell things are not going well for her and that you want her to be happy.....say that you have some ideas and make one of the ideas be that she not be a bridesmaid...... and hopefully she picks that option.
If you make sure that no matter how hurtful she is being that you are nice to her (although distance yourself!!!), then it will keep your bridge of friendship alive to possibly be mended in the future.
Sorry that your friend is so much drama.
Wow.. such drama! I'm sorry you have to go through it. She's not a good friend, I think you should just let her go!!!
I'm definitely not saying what she's doing is right (it's obviously not) but she just sounds frustrated IMO. Maybe she already has a lot going on in her life and trying on a dress that made her feel "gross" was just the last straw. I know with all this trying-on and such for the wedding, I have felt so gross sometimes and feel like going off the deep end.
I'm sure she already feels bad for saying this. Just call her up and say that you're upset with what she said, and if she no longer wants to be a bridesmaid, you understand. Maybe your friendship can be mended by just having her as a guest at the wedding.
cvbee-please dont' take this the wrong way but i actually laughed out loud when you said she should gently let her go, I would have ripped this girl a new one personally, but not many people can actually do that.....lol.
rabbit-sorry you had to deal with this. I think its pretty clear that she's not a good friend or a bridesmaid right now. I've dropped 3 bridesmaids due to loss of friendship throughout the planning stages of this craziness. I guess this is when people show their true colors. it hasn't hit me as hard, because I'm just so sick of people being bad friends, that i just don't get super close to them for a while which sucks, but hurts less. i hope that you feel betetr soon about all this though. Sounds like shes being a b*tch and was deliberately trying to hurt you. I'd just cut your losses.
I am so sorry. It sounds like she has something else going on and is taking it out on you and your wedding. Is it possible that she is jealous of you? To avoid more drama and hurt feelings it may be best to let her go.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this! She's obviously not being a good friend or bridesmaid to you, and personally if it were me, I'd have a hard time inviting her to the wedding at all if her attitude doesn't change. I'd just tell her how hurt you were by her words, and that you wanted to share your day with her, but that you honestly think it's better to be surrounded by those who support you on your wedding day. Then leave it up to her--if she wants to support you, great! If not, then I'd let her go. Good luck.
Wow. I'm so sorry! You don't deserve that. $40 is extremely (almost impossibly) reasonable for a bridesmaid's dress. If spending that amount is a financial hardship for her, she should not have agreed to be a BM in the first place. Also, I don't hear you saying she must wear a dress she hates. You're being flexible and listening to her concerns, while she's acting super-mean for no good reason. Her trashing your choices, your dress, and your relaltionship was competely uncalled-for and unfair. I don't see how you could possibly trust her to behave herself now that she's shown she's capable of flying that far off the handle.
I'm learning that there are otherwise reasonable people who have a compulsive need to create drama and put the focus on them. These types are set off by an occasion like a friend's wedding, when the focus IS (and should be!) on the bride, not them. This sounds like a classic, extreme case of attention-seeking. Try not to take it personally -- it's about her issues, not yours.
How awful :( I'm sorry to hear of the cruel things she said. I think it might be time to say goodbye to someone who isn't supportive of you and says deliberately hurtful things to you. Sounds like you were being very reasonable.
((((hugs))))
she's responding out of being upset, although heaven only knows over what. This is most likely NOT her really hatin' on you.
I would offer her an 'out' if she wants it and try to salvage the friendship if I were in your shoes, although it might be hard, because it sounds like it might have to be kind of one sided for a while, because she seems to be hurting over something!
And for the record, your dress freakin' ROCKS and I am super excited to see you wear it. Honestly every time you post about it, all I can think is that it's one of my favorite dresses that I've seen anywhere. So girl is crazay if she thinks you made the wrong choice in your gown.
Just drop her. It would be one thing to say these things once out of frustration. But 3 times! That is just ridiculous. I am not sure I would even invite her to the wedding considering she is such a drama queen.
I can completely understand how you're feeling. My husband lost two friends he'd had since childhood because of stupid wedding stuff. In a nutshell, these friends were SO happy to be in our wedding p arty one day, and then all of a sudden, they hated everything and refused to call/e-mail us back, and started spreading nasty rumors about our wedding that were so far from the truth. We were miserable because of them for a good chunk of our planning, and it finally got to a breaking point, and my husband decided the friendship was ruined anyway, and he asked them to step down because I was always in tears from the hurtful things they would say, and my husband was constantly stressed out. Once they were out, it was totally smooth sailing from that point on! It ended up being a good thing for us.
Weddings bring out weird emotions in people, and sometimes, because of that, relationships are ruined. We learned that the hard way, and unfortunately, so are you. It sounds like this friend needs to be dropped like a hot potatoe. I imagine something like, "Well, if you're so miserable being in the wedding, maybe it's a good idea that you step down" would suffice.
Okay seriously, jaw on the floor when I read your post. What. the. heck. That is absolutely awful. I agree with piratejenn, I would totally have ripped that girl a new one. That's an inexcusable way to treat a friend. If she doesn't like the dress, okay fine, find a new one, but to attack you and your FH?! Are you serious?! I'd have to agree it sounds like she has something else going on in the background, but that's no reason to hurt you like that (multiple times). I would call that girl up, tell her she hurt you and that you can't have someone with such a negative attitude in your wedding party, especially since she doesn't exactly sound like she's supportive of your marriage. What a b!tch!!! Forget about the dress, it's a worthwhile sacrifice to get away from her. You don't need her unwarranted drama and BS. I'm angry for you! Oh and I certainly wouldn't be sending her an invite either. Run away as fast as you can little Rabbit!
PS - I just looked at your dress and it's BEAUTIFUL!!!! Don't let that girl's evil spirit get you down!
Hey. Take a breath and maybe a walk by yourself and think this all through. You have not yet lost her! You will get her back if she's really a good friend.
What you are saying she is upset about doesn't make logical sense, so something else is going on that she isn't telling you or you just haven't realized yet.
1. Maybe she's jealous and has no self control...but 2. Maybe something is really off in her life right now and she is miserable and you have become her outlet.
The only way to nip this problem before you really do lose a friend is to show compassion and forgiveness no matter how stupid and mean she acts. Because getting upset right back at her will only multiply the problem.
I don't mean to tell you how to live, but I can feel your pain! I want you to work this on out, and I think it is fixable.
Feel free to send me a personal message if you want to share more...sounds like something deeper is going on with her and possible you both...you must lover her, or you wouldn't be on here telling us all about it!
good luck.
Oh my fellow Milwaukeean.....I'm so sorry that you are going thru this. I'm so with piratejenn, I would have told her straight the hell off. When I read this I was pissed for you. Who says things like that? Not a friend IMO.
She may be going thru some things but that does not in any way give her a pass to treat ppl that s**t, especially not someone she's suppose to be a close friend to.
I would play it cool and ask her if you can come over to talk. When you get there, ask her to see the dress and hold on to it. Then tell her do not pass go, do not collect $200 but go directly to hell with gasoline panties on. That way she'll burn quicker.
Wth does she think she is? You do not need this crap. As I always say, planning a wedding is stressful enough without other ppl's bs being thrown at you.
There is no excuse for her to act that way ecspecially if she is your friend. That is uncalled for and just plain mean.
Wow! The dresses came in quickly. I think you made a nice, tasteful choice. Is this the same BM who wanted to wear the knit HM dress? If so, I think you've been very accomodating and just picked a "grown up" version of what she picked.
Seems like there's something underlying all this. Perhaps her initial choice of the knit dress was to subconsciously strike at you. At this point, you may have to give her the option of stepping down.
I'm sorry this is happening!
@ rabbit: I just looked up your dress, and your BMs dress, just to see what we're talking about. Yours is stunning -- so classy and original -- and the BM dress is very tasteful and pretty, and a great bargain! Even if you picked a hideous $400 BM dress, your BM had NO EXCUSE to act like she did, but you've been more than respectful of their tastes and their budgets.
@msmonicka- Hahaha...thank you for making me laugh! Gasoline panties!! Fabulous! Totally made my day. *hugs*
@jadeblue- Thank you for the compliment on my dress! 6 months after falling in love with it thoughts of my dress still make me giddy, just like my FI. I'd say that's a great decision on my part. :) As for the rest, even if I'd choosen a $400 BM dress (which I know not one of my BMs could afford!) it wouldn't really be much of a burden on her. She may only work part-time, but she makes $22 an hour when she works AND her partner makes what I consider rich people money (over $100,000 a year). She pays no bills as her partner pays for 100% of everything. They money she makes is her "fun" money- which she spends on her clothes, hair, etc. Even her schooling (she's in college) is 100% paid for, including books and transportation. But even if she made what I make (I qualify as well below the poverty line!) $40 is not a huge burden considering she has 5 months to get it to me. Heck, if it were I'd even offer to pay for part or all of her dress (like I am with my sister's because she's having money issues right now). And, i told all my BMs that they can wear whatever shoes they want, I gave them all jewelery sets as a present, and I don't care if they do their hair or make-up. *sigh* This whole having BMs thing is really frustrating!
@iswimibikeirun- i was amazed too! The BM dresses only took 2 days (!!!) to arrive after I ordered them! This IS the same BM who wanted to wear the knit dress then got upset when I told her no. And, maybe you're right the first was a subconcious strike at me. *sigh* Which is really sad to think about.
@kcasam- I am not sure I want her back as my friend, if I've lost her yet or not, because who says stuff like that? Who attacks your relationship with your boyfriend/FI/Husband if they're feeling crappy for some reason? I'm starting to think that if I keep her as a friend it'd be condoning her treatment of me and she wouldn't learn you simply can't treat people like that.
@bakerella- Thank you for the compliment on my dress! :) I love it no matter what my "friend" has to say against it! I didn't ripe her a new one because, during the first phone conversation, I was so stunned by what she was saying, it was like a deer in headlights (Sat). I didn't know what to say in responce, I just let it all roll over me then got off the phone ASAP. Then the e-mail (Sun) with even more hurtful things arrived and the two pieces upset me so much i didn't want to respond when i was that angry and upset. The final straw- the nasty message on my phone (Mon) just left me in tears and, once again, so upset I didn't want to respond while that upset. I don't want to say or do anything I'd regret later.
@Miss Chapstick- first, love your name! I have a chapstick addition. ;p Second, I am really sorry your husband lost friends during the process as well! Being in the middle of all this is really painful and i suspect looking back on it is not any more pleasent. Its too bad such joyous occassions seem to bring out the worst in people.
@carbon girl- that's kind of where I'm heading I think. I don't know if I could see her at my wedding without getting really upset over her actions.
@daydreamwanderer- Thank you! I see so many stunning dresses on this site (and elsewhere), but mine is the one which makes me happiest. I can't wait to see me in it too! :D i'll be sure to post pictures ASAP once it comes in (sometime in late June I believe).
@MandyW- Thanks! That's almost exactly what my couple's counselor told me in our session this morning! :) It seems like good, sound advice!
@PirateJenn- I am sorry to hear you've lost friends too in this process! *hugs* It seems a too frequent problem during wedding planning that people lose friends and/or family members through it all. Maybe we ought to form a support group here on the Bee just for those of us who've lost friends/family during the process.
@hotchildinthecity- If she'd only said these things to me once, over the phone or via e-mail, i'd be more willing to forgive, forget, and move on with the friendship, but she said these hurtful things to me THREE times! I'm not sure I am willing to put up with her if this is the way she's choosing to take her "frustrations" and "gross feelings" out on me.
@rabbit-i can understand that! and it's totally your choice. sometimes there is nothing else you can do but wlak away, sad as that is. no matter what, i hope your wedding is amazing! good luck with everything.=)
@rabbit - AGREE WITH MSMONIKA - Get that brat to your house to see the dress in person, get it back and return it and don't look back. It's one thing to be bitching about a bridesmaid dress - they generally suck. But all of the rest of it? On an answering machine, on the phone, and an email? you have to squash it. Let her walk on you now and she'll do it again, and definitely be a problem on the wedding day. let her go, her invite still stands to the wedding, but she has proven herself as a grade A jerk. Not saying you have to stop being friends, but she certainly needs to cool off and get a grip, away from your wedding party. You can't control other people and their actions, but you sure can stand up for yourself and your marriage and tell that girl to " go directly to hell with gasoline panties on." HAHA
rabbit: Oh you're welcome hun. Glad I could help. I was so serious tho!! Lmao. *Hugs* Everything will be ok.
I would tell her to please send you the dress back, and that you don't think she should be a BM, but that she is still invited to the wedding if she would like to go. Hope it all works out!!!!
$40 is a cheap price to get rid of a "friend" like that. Some people said, oh she just lost it and it's about something else. Maybe if she only did it once I would agree. But repeatedly saying those things to you?? I think this girl burnt that bridge and peed on the ashes. Forget about the dress. It was only $40. Tell her she can keep the dress and forget about coming to the wedding at all. She clearly does not support your marriage, and that's the most important duty a BM has. I wouldn't even give her the pleasure of a phone call, just reply to her e-mail (so you can be calm and witty and unemotional about it). Very simply:
(Friend)
You clearly don't support my relationship with (FH). I've been nothing but accommodating to you throughout this process, and I feel that your words have more than spoken to how you feel about me, my relationship, and the wedding. Keep the dress if you want, and stay home on September 3rd. You are no longer in the wedding party nor invited to the wedding. I only want people standing next to me who are there to support me. You are obviously only capable of tearing me down.
Have a great life.
Rabbit
Wow, I'm going to have to disagree with everyone who says to 'let her out gently' and 'invite her as a guest'. Like Mightysapphire said, she burned the bridge and peed on the ashes. I would kiss your dress (and $40) goodbye and move on. You don't need someone like that in your life. If she chooses to come back and genuinely apologize, you can reconsider depending on how you feel, but I don't see how you could let someone with such negative feelings towards you and your relationship even near your wedding. Sorry :(
I'm so sorry to hear--- I can't believe what some people do when weddings get involved. My cousin just had her MOH completly freak out on her aswell--and had to drop her from the wedding and they lost their friendship they've had for years over differences in the wedding. I just don't understand what most bridesmaides/friends don't understand at the end of the day... it's your wedding and you can do as you wish-- most real friends would do anything that you asked-- because it's your wedding and your day and they love you.
WOW! That is NOT a friend. Please send that email that MightySapphire wrote. That's what she deserves. Actually, she deserves a beating, but you're better than that and her :)
I completely agree with Mighty Sapphire! You do not need people like that in your life. She obviously meant what she said because she repeated it and emailed you.
Rabbit--I noticed there was a price drop in the dress. Perhaps you can get a price adjustment! I'm all about price adjustments!
@iswimibikeirun- Thanks for the heads up one the sale! i'll have to see if Target will give me the $8 difference per dress.
@stahlkl- Ugh, another person with a sad lost friendship story! This seems to be quite common.
@MightySapphire- That's a great letter! I might send that to her almost word for word! Thank you!
Sounds like there was either a HUGE breakdown in communication between you two, or she has a chip on her shoulder and is taking it out on you. Have you had a chance to defend yourself against all those mean things she said to you? Perhaps a reciprocating message on her answering machine might be in order. If she doesn't come around after listening to your side of the story, then take the advice of the other posters and cut her out of the bridal party, but not out of your guest list.
And ROFL at the gasoline panties!
"Gasoline panties" made my day! Hyterical!
@rabbit I'm with the other girls. This girl needs to get it as good as she dishes it out. Who the F&*^ does she think she is? Wedding or not, that's no way to speak to a friend. Her actions and words are unacceptable and you need to call her out on it. If I EVER treated any of my friends that way (which wouldn't happen) I would hope they would call me out on it too.
Lmao. I'm glad everyone likes "gasoline panties". I say it all the time. Everyone always gets a good laugh off of that.
Rabbit: I hope you've found a solution to your bm madness. Everyone here has given you some great advice. You still have time to replace her. Hell I'll be a bm, and if you don't have anybody else. Lol. We're in the same city.
Wow, that is absolutely ridiculous. I agree with others that it sounds like she's taking her frustrations out on you, but seriously? That's taking it a little too far! I think what MightySapphire wrote is absolutely perfect - you don't deserve people like that in your life!!!
P.S. Don't listen to her - I am absolutely in LOVE with your dress! Every time I see it I get a little dress envy :)
Let it and her (and the BM dress) go. Seriously, not worth having toxic people like that in your life. She is in a dark, bad place within herself right now, and she sounds like she needs help (therapy) to get out of it...
I agree that she is well past deserving to be let down easy or gently. She was gentle with sharing her opinion with you. If I were in your shoes, I would send an email just like MightySapphire's (which was P.E.R.F.E.C.T) and count the $40 in as a loss. I think trying to figure out what she really wants and how she really feels is only going to cause you more stress and drama and potentially heartache. It's not worth it or $40. IMO, she sounds extremely jealous. You mentioned she has a partner, is she not married and bitter that you're getting married and she is not? Unfortch, this is an all too common issue, especially with bridesmaids. We went to a wedding this weekend where one of the bridesmaids had a miserable puss on her face the entire time, and at the shower, because she is jealous she isn't getting married for another four years (they're waiting so she can get more of her schooling paid for because she's a single mother, which obviously ends when she gets married). Anyway, she sounds like an inconsiderate, mean, b*tch and I would move on and NOT look back. If she wants to try and apologize or make up with you, I would wait until after the wedding. You don't need this now!
I am so sorry. This is so awful. I do think that you should give her an option to leave the wedding. Honestly, if it were me I would probably just tell her she was out and not in a nice way. I basically had the same thing happen with my MOH, there were a whole mess or issues,she wanted to bring an ex, I said no, she wanted to leave 3 hours to spend time with said ex I said no, but she also said FI and I weren't ready for marriage (we have been together almost 3 years) and we couldn't afford this wedding because I don't have a job right now and had no way to pay for it and we were stupid for doing this (I didn't know I had to discuss my finances with her, and we wouldn't do it if we couldn't afford it). I basically gave her the option to stay for the whole wedding or to not come at all, I don't need that kind of negativity on the biggest day of my life thus far. Neither do you. If she doesn't opt out, I would tell her that given her recent comments that you don't feel it is the best idea to haver her in the wedding, given that she isn't supportive of the marriage. She is more than welcome at the wedding as a guest (if you want her to be there) but there is no room for someone so unsupportive in the bridal party. I hope you get this all worked out and good luck! Let us know how it turns out.
ETA: Did you see Miss Taco's post about Offline Unfriending? That helped me so much when I was going through my thing with my MOH.
If she were just frustrated or stressed over something else then I would say to let her go gently from her bridesmaid duty but since she has decided to bring in the state of your future marriage then I would simply tell her to piss off.
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