Post # 1
I have lost a “good friend” because I am getting married! I never expected it to happen- I have few enough friends that I can’t afford to really lose any. Ugh.
So, long story short: My BM decided she hates the dress I picked out. It makes her look funny, it feels “gross,” and would need some minor tailoring (so she said. I’ve not seen it on her.). She takes this oppertunity to not only tear me a new one about my “selfish disregard for her feelings and her budget” (the dress was only $40!) and how “I keep lying saying I want her to be happy then doing everything I can to make her unhappy.” Then, she decided her unhappiness with my dress choice (which is not set in stone!) meant she could say whatever she wanted to me- so she ripped into my color choices, my Wedding Dress choice (!!!), and my date choice.
To top it all off, she went on a tiraid about how all this is a waste of money anyhow because she doesn’t think my FI and I (who’ve been together over 2.5 years at this point) can’t possibly last the 5 months to the wedding and if we do we’re just going to be divorced inside a year so I ought to call it off! OMG! She not only said this all to me verbally over the phone (twice! Once to me and once to my machine!), but then she compounded it by e-mailing me her hurtful opinions!
I’ve spent the last two days wanting to cry and freaking out. I don’t know how to respond, what to say, how to get my dress back (since I paid for the dress!), or how simply to deal with such a stark betrayal by someone I considered among my best friends.
Post # 3
Sounds like she is in a bad place.
I think you need to delicately let her go as a bridesmaid (but still invite her to the wedding). Make it seem like her decision though…. like open a conversation about that you want the wedding to be a positive experience for everyone and that you can tell things are not going well for her and that you want her to be happy…..say that you have some ideas and make one of the ideas be that she not be a bridesmaid…… and hopefully she picks that option.
If you make sure that no matter how hurtful she is being that you are nice to her (although distance yourself!!!), then it will keep your bridge of friendship alive to possibly be mended in the future.
Sorry that your friend is so much drama.
Post # 4
Wow.. such drama! I’m sorry you have to go through it. She’s not a good friend, I think you should just let her go!!!
Post # 5
I’m definitely not saying what she’s doing is right (it’s obviously not) but she just sounds frustrated IMO. Maybe she already has a lot going on in her life and trying on a dress that made her feel “gross” was just the last straw. I know with all this trying-on and such for the wedding, I have felt so gross sometimes and feel like going off the deep end.
I’m sure she already feels bad for saying this. Just call her up and say that you’re upset with what she said, and if she no longer wants to be a bridesmaid, you understand. Maybe your friendship can be mended by just having her as a guest at the wedding.
Post # 6
cvbee-please dont’ take this the wrong way but i actually laughed out loud when you said she should gently let her go, I would have ripped this girl a new one personally, but not many people can actually do that…..lol.
rabbit-sorry you had to deal with this. I think its pretty clear that she’s not a good friend or a bridesmaid right now. I’ve dropped 3 bridesmaids due to loss of friendship throughout the planning stages of this craziness. I guess this is when people show their true colors. it hasn’t hit me as hard, because I’m just so sick of people being bad friends, that i just don’t get super close to them for a while which sucks, but hurts less. i hope that you feel betetr soon about all this though. Sounds like shes being a b*tch and was deliberately trying to hurt you. I’d just cut your losses.
Post # 7
I am so sorry. It sounds like she has something else going on and is taking it out on you and your wedding. Is it possible that she is jealous of you? To avoid more drama and hurt feelings it may be best to let her go.
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2010 - Ladder 15 Restaurant
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! She’s obviously not being a good friend or bridesmaid to you, and personally if it were me, I’d have a hard time inviting her to the wedding at all if her attitude doesn’t change. I’d just tell her how hurt you were by her words, and that you wanted to share your day with her, but that you honestly think it’s better to be surrounded by those who support you on your wedding day. Then leave it up to her–if she wants to support you, great! If not, then I’d let her go. Good luck.
Post # 9
Wow. I’m so sorry! You don’t deserve that. $40 is extremely (almost impossibly) reasonable for a bridesmaid’s dress. If spending that amount is a financial hardship for her, she should not have agreed to be a BM in the first place. Also, I don’t hear you saying she must wear a dress she hates. You’re being flexible and listening to her concerns, while she’s acting super-mean for no good reason. Her trashing your choices, your dress, and your relaltionship was competely uncalled-for and unfair. I don’t see how you could possibly trust her to behave herself now that she’s shown she’s capable of flying that far off the handle.
I’m learning that there are otherwise reasonable people who have a compulsive need to create drama and put the focus on them. These types are set off by an occasion like a friend’s wedding, when the focus IS (and should be!) on the bride, not them. This sounds like a classic, extreme case of attention-seeking. Try not to take it personally — it’s about her issues, not yours.
Post # 10
How awful 🙁 I’m sorry to hear of the cruel things she said. I think it might be time to say goodbye to someone who isn’t supportive of you and says deliberately hurtful things to you. Sounds like you were being very reasonable.
Post # 11
she’s responding out of being upset, although heaven only knows over what. This is most likely NOT her really hatin’ on you.
I would offer her an ‘out’ if she wants it and try to salvage the friendship if I were in your shoes, although it might be hard, because it sounds like it might have to be kind of one sided for a while, because she seems to be hurting over something!
And for the record, your dress freakin’ ROCKS and I am super excited to see you wear it. Honestly every time you post about it, all I can think is that it’s one of my favorite dresses that I’ve seen anywhere. So girl is crazay if she thinks you made the wrong choice in your gown.
Post # 12
Just drop her. It would be one thing to say these things once out of frustration. But 3 times! That is just ridiculous. I am not sure I would even invite her to the wedding considering she is such a drama queen.
Post # 13
I can completely understand how you’re feeling. My husband lost two friends he’d had since childhood because of stupid wedding stuff. In a nutshell, these friends were SO happy to be in our wedding p arty one day, and then all of a sudden, they hated everything and refused to call/e-mail us back, and started spreading nasty rumors about our wedding that were so far from the truth. We were miserable because of them for a good chunk of our planning, and it finally got to a breaking point, and my husband decided the friendship was ruined anyway, and he asked them to step down because I was always in tears from the hurtful things they would say, and my husband was constantly stressed out. Once they were out, it was totally smooth sailing from that point on! It ended up being a good thing for us.
Weddings bring out weird emotions in people, and sometimes, because of that, relationships are ruined. We learned that the hard way, and unfortunately, so are you. It sounds like this friend needs to be dropped like a hot potatoe. I imagine something like, “Well, if you’re so miserable being in the wedding, maybe it’s a good idea that you step down” would suffice.
Post # 14
Okay seriously, jaw on the floor when I read your post. What. the. heck. That is absolutely awful. I agree with piratejenn, I would totally have ripped that girl a new one. That’s an inexcusable way to treat a friend. If she doesn’t like the dress, okay fine, find a new one, but to attack you and your FH?! Are you serious?! I’d have to agree it sounds like she has something else going on in the background, but that’s no reason to hurt you like that (multiple times). I would call that girl up, tell her she hurt you and that you can’t have someone with such a negative attitude in your wedding party, especially since she doesn’t exactly sound like she’s supportive of your marriage. What a b!tch!!! Forget about the dress, it’s a worthwhile sacrifice to get away from her. You don’t need her unwarranted drama and BS. I’m angry for you! Oh and I certainly wouldn’t be sending her an invite either. Run away as fast as you can little Rabbit!
Post # 15
PS – I just looked at your dress and it’s BEAUTIFUL!!!! Don’t let that girl’s evil spirit get you down!
Post # 16
Hey. Take a breath and maybe a walk by yourself and think this all through. You have not yet lost her! You will get her back if she’s really a good friend.
What you are saying she is upset about doesn’t make logical sense, so something else is going on that she isn’t telling you or you just haven’t realized yet.
1. Maybe she’s jealous and has no self control…but 2. Maybe something is really off in her life right now and she is miserable and you have become her outlet.
The only way to nip this problem before you really do lose a friend is to show compassion and forgiveness no matter how stupid and mean she acts. Because getting upset right back at her will only multiply the problem.
I don’t mean to tell you how to live, but I can feel your pain! I want you to work this on out, and I think it is fixable.
Feel free to send me a personal message if you want to share more…sounds like something deeper is going on with her and possible you both…you must lover her, or you wouldn’t be on here telling us all about it!