Post # 1
Anyone ever find out their FI had a crush on one of their friends but never acted on it. I found out FI did and even though I know he wouldn’t act on it (neither of them would) it just bugs me to know that he had these feelings for her.
Call it insecurity, jealousy… resentment on my part. The worst of it is he hid it from me for quite some time (I had to drag it out of him) which is how I finally had my suspicions confirmed.
Have you bees ever been in this situation? He never acted on it so technically he didn’t cheat but I feel like he was cheating with his mind. Is it any different than having a crush on a celebrity? Am I blowing this out of proportion or is there some validity to my feelings?
Post # 3
I would honestly be really upset. As much as I want to say I’d be cool with it, I definetly wouldn’t.
My FI and I were best friends long before we dated. So I know about all the girls he had “crushes” on or dated. A lot of these girls still hang out with us. And this in itself makes me jealous, even though he says that he doesn’t have feelings for them anymore.
I wish I could offer some advice, but I’m lost on this one. I would say talk with him and tell him exactly how you feel. Hopefully he has some comforting words for you!
Post # 4
On the one hand, I would be really upset, too. It would make me really insecure about having friends around.
On the other hand, it’s not exactly something he could help. And I’m not sure how/when he could bring that up. “Hey, that girl friend of yours is pretty hot, huh?” He probably thought it was best to keep it to himself.
I myself found one of my FI’s best friends attractive. I didn’t have a crush on him or anything, but it made me really uncomfortable. I finally just said in passing, “He’s a good-looking guy” to my FI and felt a million times better. He wasn’t upset with me about it. But I think if my FI said the same to me, I’d be really annoyed.
It’s a toughie!
Post # 5
FH let it slip one time that he thought MOH was “sexy,” which really hurt at the time because he always describes me as “cute” or “pretty.” But I trust both of them, and MOH is happily married, so we’re all good! I did have a discussion with FH about it and why it hurt me, though, so it was good to clear the air rather than hang onto all that resentment and hurt.
Post # 6
Yeah, I would be a bit bothered. However, they aren’t going to do anything. You’ll have to try to focus on that.
Post # 7
I’m struggling with the fact that he even told you. I’m not sure what good will ever come out of that. Also the whole idea of a CRUSH? That’s a big word. It’s one thing to think your friends are cute, funny, etc. But to develop a crush? That is clearly a man without boundaries. Might need to have a talking about setting some up.
Post # 8
He says it wasn’t a “crush” that he just thought she was pretty and because she was so nice to him/very approachable (he’s not used to getting that attention from women) is what attracted him. I should mention that he had these feelings a looonnggg time ago and even though I don’t really see this friend it still bothers me because she looks nothing like me! So, then my head starts turning… am I not his type? Ever girl that looks like her makes me wonder if he would prefer that type over me. Were both attractive women just in different ways.
Post # 9
FI and I grew out of the same group of best friends, and so we all met and became close at the same time. He has said in the past that he thought my best friend was very attractive when we all first met, and he had a crush on her. It never bothered me, it was then, this is now. He’s with me and not her.
I dunno, I don’t get upset by these things. Everyone gets crushes, don’t they? It would obviously be different if they ACTED on them
Post # 10
@TG20: Well if it was a loooooooooong time ago, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Like I said, I get jealous when I think about it. I think maybe he may have wanted to be with them but got stuck with me sort of idea. But seriously, that’s just my own insecurities. If this was in the past, just talk to him and tell him how you feel and talk it out.
Post # 11
@TG20: Totally get it. In that respect, I mean, I wouldn’t have said anything if that were me. Has zero relevance to your relationship at all, and that’s just something that will DEFINITELY start drama.
I don’t know, maybe he felt guilty about it? And wanted to purge? Otherwise, I think there are some things we think in our head that are best left unsaid 😉
Post # 12
@TG20: I know exactly where you’re coming from! My husband went to school with a couple we’re now great friends with. Before the couple got together, he had actually made out with the girl one night at a party. He said that she persued him, and he never really liked her in that way. He ended up introducing her to his friend, and they’re now married.
So, even though there was technically no feelings there…he still made out with her, and I don’t think he ever let his friend know about it! They’re both obviously over it, and we go on vacation with this couple every year. I love the girl…she’s great…but there’s always this thing in the back of my mind that knows they kissed! Haha…it’s stupid, but it’s there!
Post # 13
I think it is different from having a crush on a celebrity because a celebrity is completely out of reach.
For me it depends on whether he had that crush before or after we got together. If it was before then that cant be helped, but if it was after you got together then that would be very upsetting.
Post # 14
Let’s take the word “crush” out of play because I think that might help. Crush means a lot of things to a lot of different people and you’re seeing that across the responses here. So let’s stop talking about a crush.
Basically, he was attracted to another woman. If you boil it down that way, then do you still have a problem with it?
I’ll tell you I’m kind of hoping the alternate phrasing doesn’t bother you as much. Because truth be told, we are all going to be attracted to other people. This is not a male behavior, it’s a human behavior. And what makes us good husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc., is that we don’t act on that attraction. Even if it’s someone we work next to every day. In it’s traditional sense, getting married doesn’t mean you’ll never be attracted to another person. It simply means you’ll know better than to act on it. Because the love you share with your partner is worth more to you than a passing attraction.
I don’t think he’s being irresponsible or a bad mate. I think he merely chose to tell you something he should have kept to himself. 😉
Post # 15
Thank you for such profound responses ladies…
I should straighten one thing out, he didn’t voluntarily tell me… I suspected he had this attraction for her and I badgered it out of him!!! He denied it at first but when I wouldn’t let the issue go he finally confessed.
Post # 16
I get jealous about that kind of thing all time. Its frustrating… because my FH is not very jealous himself and doesn’t really care about boys I used to like.
Recently, my FH hired this friend of ours to work for him for awhile (we all used to work together… she was perfect for the job) I asked him if he had ever slept with her… we’ve known each other for a very long time and we all used to party together back in the day… and my FH got around a little bit! Anyways, he said that no – he had never slept with her. Relief washed over me because he was going to be working with this girl every day. But then he followed with “… but there was a time when I really wanted to sleep with her!!!” I was so upset!! I mean – couldn’t he tell the reason I was asking about it??!! I got over it eventually.
I usually tell my FH when I’m feeling jealous and he’s starting to understand how to make me feel more secure. I also know that my jealousy is my issue and I have to deal with it!!