Its like Post-Partum Depression but for weddings.

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Its like Post-Partum Depression but for weddings.

posted 9 months ago in Emotional
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2 posts

Wannabee

R2D2 June 24, 2011 Portland OR

SO - I am newly married (one month ago) and I am feeling depressed.

Back story:

Proposal: very spur of the moment. Blurted it out when we were talking about health insurance and how things would be easier if we were married (Oh so romantic). There was no ring, no plan, no forethought. OK one could argue he MUST have been thinking about it to have asked so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Even tried to look at it positively - as in - wow he must really have wanted to marry me the way he just blurted it out - it was very raw and honest. BUt even trying to focus on the positive I still got sad. What are the 2st 2 things people asked when you get engaged? How did he propose!? and Let me see the ring! All I could say was - he asked me when we were chatting, and... there is no ring.

Wedding - was lovely though (as I am sure is typical) I did it all. He just wanted to know when to show up. couldn't even get him to give me the name of a song or 2 that remind him of me (for our first dance). I was starting to feel like - well maybe it was too spur of the moment (the engagement) and he didn't really mean it and now he's caught up and that's why he doesn't want to plan? Asked him about it - he said he was "on board" with everything and that it would be great (It was - very fun wedding).

No honeymoon: we live in OR now (where he is from). I am from NY and the wedding was there (NY) so his folks decided to make it their vacation (had never been to NY). I was only able to get 2 weeks off. The wedding was on a friday. His folks were there the Tuesday before until the Thursday after, and we had to fly back Saturday... so we had 2 days alone after his folks left. I can't blame him for that... though if we had planned a honeymoon, his folks would not have been able to stay so long... they figured since we had no "plans" they would stay longer.

SO instead of being happy and newly wedded blissful, I am feeling sad, and resentful, and out of sorts. Now that there is no wedding to focus on these other things are bothering me.

Yes - I married a wonderful man that loves me. That should make it all better.... but it doesn't. And now I am not only bitter and resentful, but I feel guilty for not being able to let it go.

What do I do?

9 months ago

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1,502 posts

Bumble bee

SimplyChic11 December 30, 2011

I am sorry :( Are you genuinely happy to be married to this guy? Aside from everything that happened... if it weren't for the un-perfectness of the situation, would you marry him all over again?

If so, I think you're just dealing with real life issues. As in... no, this is not a fairytale. Movies, books and stories from friends who've had it all remind us girls of all the imperfections in our relationships and lives. It's no fun :( But I find myself feeling this way only when I compare my wedding/engagement/future plans to those who seem to have it better than me.

Is it possible for you and your hubby to get away at all? Maybe taking a sweet weekend away from everything else will do you good! If you loved this man enough to marry him, get excited about him all over again. No, life's not perfect and it never will be. But maybe separating yourself from the pain that is your past wedding experience will be a good choice.

(( hugs )) I am sorry though! I don't know if it helped but that's what I would do in your shoes. Have a heart to heart with my hubby and find out why I'm feeling that way and how to move on to a better life ahead.

9 months ago

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2 posts

Wannabee

R2D2 June 24, 2011 Portland OR

@SimplyChic11:

Very happy that I married him - and day to day its great.

Just had 2 freinds get married - off to tropical island for the honeymoon, and had this great surprise engagement story... made me wistful. And feeling like I kind of mised out on some of the good parts

I guess what's REALLY bothering me is that I worry it all got out of control and that he didn't really want it all (ie the "proposal" just popped out and he was then stuck - and that's why there was no effort (IE and actual engagement or wedding planning or honeymoon). Feeling very insecure. When I asked him about it he said he chose me and therefore I have nothing to worry about. Still feel cheated though. which is crazy because I got this amazing man - I just don't know how to let this go and get it to stop bothering me.

9 months ago

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1,123 posts

Bumble bee

Moja Milosc September 24, 2011

*steps up onto her soapbox*

This is what bothers me about this out of control wedding industry... women are made to feel like their wedding/marriage isn't real unless they have all these super expensive aspects of wedding planning.

Personally, my FI did save up for a ring which was nice, but there was no special proposal. I do like special proposals and stuff but just because there's tv shows dedicated to them doesn't mean they're necessary for a happy marriage. What's right for some couples isn't right for every couple.

As far as a wedding goes, it's one day and some people break their bank for it, which is fine if that's what you WANT, but I feel like once you enter the world of wedding planning, it's tough to make it out with the change in your pocket. At the end of the day, whether you have a horse drawn carriage and chocolate fountain or not, you're still married.

And honeymoons - talk to some people you know who have been married for 30+ years, and see how many of them went to Aruba. Most of my family members and friends parents went to a bed and breakfast near a beach for a few days. I think it's awesome that people DO go to these great places for their honeymoon, and I know that the trip is unforgettable, but again, it's not right for every couple in every situation. So many people have said to me "That's ALL you're doing?" when I tell them our honeymoon plans. Who cares if it's not enough for them? It's MY honeymoon!

Who made these laws that you need an insane ring, storybook proposal, wedding that knocks everyone's socks off and a honeymoon to some exotic location??

I've worked with the elderly a loooong time and I love to ask them about their weddings. They all had low key celebrations of their marriage without being over the top, but there stories are still very romantic because they talk about their spouse and how they met the perfect person and had a wonderful life etc.

It sounds like you did what was right for you and your husband at the time, and you have a wonderful husband who loves you. I'm sorry you feel cheated, but please look into your heart and find out WHY you feel this way? Is it because of the pressure to have good stories for people who ask about it? Is it because you want to travel? Plan a trip together! If you want a ring as a symbol of your love for your husband, work on saving up for one. But please don't let it upset you when people treat you like they're not impressed enough by your wedding stories.

Disclaimer: If I offended anyone I'm sorry.

9 months ago

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255 posts

Helper bee

RachelD September 17, 2011 Central NY

First, big *HUGS* to you! I can relate to your feelings!

I don't know what your faith background is, however I found a great resource (and I am sorry if I am sounding like I'm promoting certain things, but I've found them helpful) from a website called "Revive Our Hearts." I've done a couple of their 30 day challenges, which have been really helpful in refocusing. Maybe the Gratitude or Husband Encouragement Challenges would be helpful for you?

Also what about using deals thru websites like Groupon to go on a small getaway?

7 months ago