- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
This coming from DH this past weekend.
We married at a bad time…. I think we both see that now. But it honestly breaks my heart with how tough it is for us. There was no such thing as newlywed bliss for either of us. We had three days together and he had to go back to work, no time or money for a much needed trip. I went back to school and have been working as hard as DH since our wedding.
Now, I only say we married at a bad time because we both believe we did. It was a mistake to get married when we did with such crap surrounding our entire engagement and wedding. Mostly from his family, people around us that were crazy-trying to break us apart and rip into our characters up to our wedding day.
I dealt with emotional and verbal abuse from his family and DH tried to do the ‘right’ thing in respecting his relations by not shutting them up as soon as this happened, by not standing up for me, by not doing so many things he should have done. He is very remorseful about that and I think this is what led to his comment the other day.
We dealt with so much during our engagement that I seriously broke up with him one night after his parents literally chased me out of the room when I left because they had been yelling at me. I ran from them and fell and broke my hand. I returned to classes later that week with a splint and couldn’t explain what had happened to anyone around me. I couldn’t do it anymore but after that night we made up, mostly because of my parent’s urging not to let his family or any crap they were giving us get in the way of how much I loved him.
So I went ahead with it. I married him. I remember sobbing on my wedding day multiple times… not from joy, either. I wanted to call the whole thing off but didn’t. I didn’t know how and at the time I felt like his parents and everyone against us would have won.
In going to a recent counseling appointment I made (mainly due to the fact that my anxiety has gotten so bad through what we’ve gone through that I can’t sleep and have panic attacks regularly) I realized we should have called it all off entirely. As depressed and mentally not ok as I believe I was (and still am in some ways) I feel DH should have sensed that and ultimately made the call I was unable to bring myself to make. Our premarital counselor was aware of how bad the situation was… and said nothing. I feel failed by him, too. Because of all the drama going on I relapsed during this time into old self-injury addictions that I had worked hard to fight in high school.
I just feel like our whole engagement and two months of marriage have been pretty much hell. Him dealing with my panic attacks and sleeplessness, my seeking to trust him and respect him as he’s changing to protect me from his family and we are trying to have a happy life together.
We can’t change what happened or that I will never have good memories of that time in our lives. I know without a doubt my husband is the one for me. I love him with all my heart and he loves me and treats me so well. We really do have a special relationship and have always been best friends.
Basically, I don’t know where to move ahead or even what life will look like for us down the road. I want to be happy. I want to have good memories of our wedding. Unfortunately my true feelings on that day are something I can only bring up to DH, I don’t want to seem ungrateful to my family or anyone who did contribute something to a day I utterly want to forget.
I brought all this up with my counselor and he was shocked at the extent of what had happened to me in just a few months. I think it was in talking to him that I saw all the issues we had brought into our marriage. This saddens me so much and I can’t talk to anyone else about it just yet. There’s no one there to listen or who even cares right now. And so I post…. not seeking advice or even sympathy, just as a way to get it out.
I know we will work through it and I am so thankful I am seeing a counselor right now. I wish I knew how to support him through this and still remain strong. I don’t believe it’s his fault but rather a collection of bad decisions made by us as well as those around us who didn’t know the whole story.