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I posted a few months ago that there was 6 weeks until my 4th "dating" Anniversary. Well, we went out to our favorite restaurant for sushi. It was a really nice night. Perfect. (Minus a ring or proposal.)
About a week later we were out at our land on the lake swimming and I thought this would be a perfect time to talk to my BF about being together 4 years( We have known eachother for 5) and what his plans were. I mentioned that we were adults and if we are going to plan a our future and a wedding we should do it together. I said I didn't need an engagement ring. I also suggested we do it right there at the lake. It is incredibly beautiful there! His Grandparents aren't getting any younger and I know he would like them to see him getting married. Things went well, he said it was a good idea. Things were going well so, I didn't push the idea much more.
Two days later I asked what month did he think would be the best. (I was thinking he end of August. Pretty much all around good weather.) He got angry that I had asked and that we had just talked about it 2 days ago. He then told me that He is too busy and he wants to finish working on our house first. ( 1 bathroom that he ripped out 2 years ago and has not finished and our downstairs floor which we just need to set up a time with the installer.) He also said he didn't have money for a wedding. It would be at least another 2 1/2 years before he will think about it!!!! What?? I was devistated!! I was all ready to get some ideas and excited to find a dress! I was happy, motivated, things were good! I basically shut down. How could he do this to me??? I don't understand. I figured I would make a budget and get going on these projects. Things were looking a little better in my mind....
Yesterday, we were on our way out to the lake and he got a phone call from one of his friends... It was a weird conversation so I asked him what it was all about. He told me his fried got him a great deal on new tires for his car and was going to powder coat his rims for $600! My blood started to boil!! First we usually discuss financial matters. He never told me he was doing this! He just told me he wanted to get the projects in the house finished before he spent money on a wedding!!!
What is going on?? What is next with him?? in 2 years I'm sure there will be another excuse!
I would be happy with a proposal and plan a wedding slowly. He can't even propose to take that next step. I feel like when it comes to what he wants he goes out and does it right away. If it is something I want it gets shoved onto the back burner to burn!
What am I suppose to do? Keep me motivated and calm please!!!
In reading my post over again...
I forgot to add that I said next summer would be a nice time. That gives us just over a year to plan. He didn't say no.
He is not ready to settle down with you. There are obviously other priorities that he is placing ahead of you and he doesnt seem to be making progress on them.
Decide for yourself if you can wait 2.5 years for a proposal that may not come (he might never finish his "to-do" list). Then decide if you would be sad, but better off long term finding someone who will make you a priority and be open about future commitments after 4 years.
At 4 years of dating, it is of my opinion that two people should know whether they are getting married soon and if its not in the plans with a concrete timeline or discussion, then something is wrong.
If he doesnt want to talk about it for another 2.5 years and he is spending money on things that is not getting you closer, than that is a problem.
As an aside, can you afford a simple ceremony? If you told him you would pay for it and you don't need a ring, would he go for it? Is he using $ as an excuse as opposed to a valid reason?
How old are you (may I ask)? 4 years when you started dating as teenagers is way different than 4 years when you started dating as 20 or 30-somethings....
I think that you might have talked yourself into a wedding when in fact he never told that was what he wanted. You started the wedding fantasy and the dress and the venue and the time of year... but he didn't give you a reason to. Its nice to think about, but you both really have to be on the same page. This man is clearly not ready to marry you, and he's telling you point-blank that it'll be years before he is. You need to stop bringing it up (he obviously gets angry/upset) and try to stop thinking about it.
Are you ready to wait it out? Would you stay with this person forever even if it doesn't result in marriage?
I'd like to try and give some advice even though my experience with my husband was completely different. I do understand that some relationships are slower than others. But one thing I think is the same accross the board is that when you love someone and know something is important to them, you usually get on board with it.
You've made it clear that the marriage is important to you and sooner rather than later. If you meant this August then I don't think you really have all that much money you plan on spending let alone need to save up for.
So you have to ask yourself, is it worth it to stick around another 2 years and possibly more excuses? I don't think you should give him an ultimatum but I do think you should agree on the timeline. If he wants 2 years and you don't, can you agree on a year? And "well, he didn't say no" is not an agreement. An agreement is setting a date.
How did he go from agreeing that starting to plan was a good idea to be unwilling to even talk about it for 2 years in 2 days?? That seems really off to me. His unwillingness to even talk about it in a mature way is what concerns me the most.
@avedagrl007: Honestly, you both are old enough and have been together long enough to know if this is It.
I'd seriously consider walking from this relationship, I mean dude's 35 years old! He's not a kid... and it sounds to me like he's just making excuses to keep pushing you back further and further.
@Talishazwi: I was talking about next August and I told him I didn't need a ring and I said we could save tons of money having it outside.
Okay. At your ages, 4+ years of dating is more than enough time to decide whether this is the right person for you, and if marriage is not on the immediate horizon then I agree with your subject line – it’s never going to happen.
Only you know whether marriage is a non-negotiable for you. If it is, it's time to walk.
I'd walk! I wouldn't want you to waste any more years if he still isn't sure and cannot commit to you fully. :-/
@KristenGotMarried: Yes, I hate to think of that too... There are so many excuses...
I see you have Peter Griffin as your profile pic... My BF is so fun to be around but unfortunatly that is who he reminds me of... LOL!!
I went back and read your "6 weeks until our 4th anniversary" post so I could suggest the best possible solution.
IMO, I think you have two options. The first option is to come to terms with the fact you may never get married to this man and if you love him, realizing that marriage may not be in the cards for your relationship. There will never be a right time to get married and things always come up and your man sounds like he uses them as excuses. It could be a deep-rooted "I don't believe in marriage" to "I don't really believe she's the one." I don't think you'll ever really know so if you want to be with him, you may need to settle without getting married.
Your second option is to leave. If marriage and lifelong commitment are important to you, I would personally get out now or mentally start preparing yourself to leave. Would you be able to live with yourself if you wait another 2 years and you are in the exact same place? Then, you've wasted two more years when you could've spent that time finding some guy who cannot wait to put a ring on your finger. If he realizes you're serious and will leave him over this, it might motivate him to make it permanent. And if he doesn't, well, you have your answer.
What is going on is that you two are not on the same page. You are ready to marry and plan. He is not ready to marry and plan and may not be for another 2.5 years, or ever.
What is next with him is that he is getting a sweet deal on tires and rims.
"What am I suppose to do?"
Listen to yourself.
"He can't even propose to take that next step. I feel like when it comes to what he wants he goes out and does it right away. If it is something I want it gets shoved onto the back burner to burn!"
I guess I have known this all along.
I guess I just needed someone else to tell me and make it reality! I really do have some serious decision making to do.
Thank you Bee's for all of your input! Thank you for letting me vent!!!
I will keep you all updated.
I wouldn't lose complete faith - it may be that he is actually purchasing a ring instead of these "tyres" - until you see the actual coating done.. it may be a bluff. I don't see how he can get angry at talking about weddings only 2 days after discussing it before, maybe because he has started purchasing a ring and your thoughts may ruin his decision making?
Honestly, I don't know - I think I am just making excuses into how he may be thinking. For now - hold off until he actually gets these tyres done, then discuss that perhaps you should re-evaluate discussing big purchases with one another before going for it.
If he gets defensive about it, explain that you only thought you thought you were both on tight financial terms and why this doesnt seem to apply to him anymore.
If it helps my SO just bought new bike parts costing about half what my ideal ring would cost.. I told him I thought it was unfair for him to spend money something just for him and that I felt he didnt really think about what I may want with that money - he soon took me ring shopping.
I wrote down all of my feelings in a letter to my BF yesterday. I figured if I keep talking to him about it and it is getting no where, is he really listening? Seeing it on paper is more of a reality check. I didn't nag, or beg, I simply wrote down my feelings and thoughts. It took a lot of weight off my shoulders. I left the letter on the table where I knew he would find it. When I got home from work it was gone so I knew he read it. Who can't resist reading a letter left to you??
So, I got home and he acted like nothing was wrong...(???)He wasn't angry or put off by the letter. He was very nice and loving. He didn't mention anything about the letter. We went out to the lake and had a great night. Snuggled under the stars. Still no mention of the letter.
It sounds (and I could be wrong) like he's avoiding the issue because it's not something that he wants/needs at the current time. As others have said, you need to figure out if you are ok being in this relationship if it never leads to marriage. He has had more than enough time to figure out if he wants to get married to you (given your respective ages and how long you have been together). Right now, he doesn't seem to be making any steps towards proposing.
@avedagrl007: You going to ask him what he thought of the letter? Or are you going to leave it to him to bring it up?
I asked him if he read the letter and what did he think. He told me he read it but, he didn't say anything more. He basically ignored me on the subject.
We went bowling Saturday with friends and he put my first initial in with his last. Of course that stured up a lot of chatter with our friends. My BF was really cute about it. Whe n I asked him later what he ment by it he said he wanted to see how it would sound. Do I asked him what he thought and he said he liked it.
I should have just let it alone, but then I asked him why he did that after we had just had a conversation a few days back and he was so against the whole marriage talk. He said he thought it would make me happy and it shows that he wants to be with me forever. I'm so confused. It's either on or off with him lately.
He told me last night it wasn't going to happen for while. He is waiting for the right time. Then also in the same conversation he told me he only lives one day at a time. I should live that way too and not worry about the future because we can't predict what is going to happen.
I'm at a point in my life where I have to look out for my future and I have to plan accordingly. Most mature, intelligent people do!
It all sounds like a bunch of bologna to me!!!
I'm sorry but if I were you'd I'd cut my losses. If a wedding and marriage is vitally important to you, anyway. If it's just him that is important to you, then maybe your relationship can do fine without marriage. But, it really seems that he does not have any serious interest in getting married (probably has nothing to with you, just his fears). I'd tell him straight up that you want a marriage proposal or you're going to be out. You don't want to spend the rest of your life in limbo. The fact that he's 35 and worrying about powder coated rims instead of finishing home improvement projects is a little strange, too.
No offense, but it sounds like he has a bit of a maturity issue. The whole house is torn up, and he wants to make vanity improvements on HIS vehicle, with money that belongs to BOTH of you? Another red flag is that, judging by his reaction, it seems like he might have not been planning on telling you until after it was too late. I'd bring down the hammer of the gods on him if he was doing that s--- with MY money.
I hate to be a cynic but I agree with the "cut your losses" posters. In reading your posts I keep imaginging him as a 25 year old, rather than a 35 year old. He isn't as emotionally mature as you from the sounds of it. If marriage is something that is essential to your happiness (which is fair enough) then I think you're wasting your time with this guy. Maybe make that absolutely clear. If he wont marry you, he can't expect you to hang around.
I told him Yesterday morning that I couldn't go on like this any more. I told him I felt that I have wasted so many tears and energy on trying to be perfect for him. I can't change who I am and I'm killing myself trying. This is not a healthy relationship. Things need to change! I told him I'm not trying to nag or push him. It has been long enough that we should make the issue of marriage an honest and happy conversation. I also told him with all of his excuses He obviously does not want any part of marrying me. I said that was fine. I just wish he would be respectful and honest enough to tell me and not keep me hanging on. I told him I didn't want to marry or be with someone that won't talk about the future with me.
I told him we and our children need a stable life. If he can not provide that then We need to move on with out eachother.
I was nice about it to the point and more than serious. Then I walked out the door for work.
When I got home from work.(He had the day off) He was quiet. He was quite serious. He looked me in the eyes and answered all of my questions. I didn't say a word. He also said he loved me so much and he wants to make me happy. He would not be happy with out me. He wants to marry me more than anything, he was just scared to even think about it. (He was engaged 10 years ago and found his FI in bed with 2 other people.) He also started a savings acct. for our wedding and he wants to design rings together. His sisters hubby is a goldsmith, so we are going to work with him to make them our own. He had a plan!!!
Maybe he realized what life would be like without me on his day off.
@photogestelle: I sat all day locked in my office, bawling my eyes out, preparing to have this relationship ended. I was getting ready to move on and accept the fact that it will never happen with him. It was a sad day. I am glad he finally woke up!
Thank you Bees for all of your support!!!
I am hoping to start my next post fresh. A happy, exciting, new experience!
fingers crossed!
Your guy sounds just like mine. Scared of marriage (he's been married before and so have I). Will often clam up and not say anything when we have talks about it. We've been datin 3 years. He knows how I feel and how important marriage is to me and he knows the clock is ticking.
Let me know what happens because I feel like you have been living my life exactly.
He also has been spending tons of money on himself, although he is also very generous with me. (sans a ring, LOL). he just bought himself a $2,000 piece of sport equipment. And at the end of 2010 he spent $2,300 refinishing his chairs.
He loves me I'm sure, but I'm in the same boat.... ready to make a mature decision. And believe me, we're VERY mature. 49 (me) and 55 (him). It's so hard to walk away from someone who treats you so well otherwise but we have to think about what is best for us.
He's said the same thing your SO has said, "I don't want to be without you." "I can't live without you." Even agreed to a wedding date time frame just like your guy did only to later say he wasn't really comfortable with it and just went along.
I hope your story turns out positive...please update us!
I agree with the rest of the ladies on here
Here it goes... Not much of an update.
We talked about getting married next year in August. He seemed on board. I told him I didn't need a ring, but I would like to have a date and start getting ideas if that was what he wanted to do.
We decided on having a small wedding on our land by the lake. He was very open with me. He didn't get into many details, but it was a start. He wanted to measure out the space and make sure there was enough room for a reception (tent) and parking space etc. He has yet to do that so, it is not a sure thing. He makes excuses to go up there. He wants no part in any of the planning. He says it all up to me. I want this to be something we do together. I told him that and he sid he needs to go in baby steps. Ok, we can do that.
When I told him I was going back onto my workout schedule (which I have neglected for the past year and gained 30 lbs) and my goal was to lose the 30 lbs and start looking for a dress in February, he really didn't have much to say. He did say that I shouldn't look for a dress if the lake wasn't for sure yet because he had to plan it out. He still has 6 months to figure out the layout, I figured it would be enough time and it was great motivation to get back on my health kick!!!
I'm really not motivated to plan a wedding at all. He has no enthusiasm. We are supposed to be happy doing this together and I do not have that feeling at all. I feel like it is a burden to him.
It's completely depressing. We aren't even offically engaged! I'm not going to waste my time doing this by myself if he can't even bother to get enough balls (sorry ladies for the language) to propose. If he was on board and excited to help plan, I would totally go ahead and get things done.
@avedagrl007: I'm not completely sure why you're wasting your time at all, to be honest. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who was a little more enthusiastic about you?
Did you say that you two have children together? I thought so, but know I can't find it.
@burris4: We have 3 children, but not together. I have 2 he has 1.
I don't want to split the kids up but, really I have no choice.
You need to sit him down and lay everything out. Let him know that it is killing you that he has no enthusiasim towards the idea of marriage and that his excuses do not make any sense. Let him know how much you want to take this next step with him and that you feel it is time for this step. Let him know that if he does not want to get married that he just needs to tell you so you can go separate ways and you can move forward with your life. He just needs to tell you what he wants. I know it will be hard but you deserve to be with someone who wants to take these steps with you. I hope it all works out for you!!!
He tells me he wants to get married "someday" just to keep me hanging on.
So, this weekend He tells me he was going to ask me to marry him 2 years ago. The reason he didn't ask me is because he was going to use the ring that he gave to his previous fiance (8-10 years ago). I had mentioned in casual talking that I would not want a ring from a previous relationship. That would be weird. He said I was selfish and should be happy that he had picked me to wear it instead of the other girl. Then he told me he was going to take out the diamond and create a new ring so it wouldn't be the same ring.
Honestly, if he really wanted to propose, He could have made the new ring with the old diamond (which is quite an expensive stone) If he never told me where he got it from, I would never ask for one, and I would have never known the difference. I would be happy and excited that he made something fom me! If he would have explained what he was going to do in the first place to me, I honestly would have been ok with it. Why have an expensive stone sit around doing nothing? Not many people are in the market for expensive jewelry right now anyway. It's just a stone, not a ring.
I even told him all of that and he had nothing to say.
I think it was an excuse to pass the blame!! Why tell me all of that now? He still had a chance and he really blew it.
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