It's not that I hate traveling… but I hate traveling with him…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1689 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I travel like your SO.  I figure I’m in another country, I  may never be here again, so I need to absorb as much as possible.  I can relax at home.  I can sleep at home.

My FI travels like you: he sees it as a time to indulge and relax.

We’ve compromised.  I plan out an activity to do each mornging.  We get back around noon, and then we can relax and indulge ourselves the rest of the day.  I still feel like I’m experiencing the culture, and he gets a daily nap on the beach.

This might not work for you, but you both have to be willing to compromise.  Maybe one day of relaxation for every day of activities.

Post # 4
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MissCoffeeBean:  This would drive me nuts. I think the point of travel is to try and sample how the people there *live* (obviously this is a super problematic statement, but set that aside for now). So, finding local, non-touristy restaurants, finding your own sites, exploring old neighborhoods, whatever. Not checking off every church that some travel expert decided was worth seeing (although, also, not sleeping in the hotel half the day). 

It sounds like what bothers you most is that he isn’t really “there” when you’re on vacation because he’s thinking about what he will show others back home. Like you said, “bragging rights.” This is the issue you need to speak to him about. You may be surprised by what he says. Maybe he doesn’t know he’s doing it, or it isn’t about bragging rights it’s about “bang for your buck” or whatever. It sounds like his behavior makes you respect him less.  


Post # 6
2042 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MissCoffeeBean:  We are a little bit like your SO.  When we travel we plan a lot of activities.  We like to keep busy.  That is just how we are. BUT we dont over book ourselves and we also take longer trips.  I would tell him the next trip has to be 4 days long or youre not going.  You need a break from rushing all the time. 

Post # 7
1193 posts
Bumble bee

@MissCoffeeBean:  We have similar issues. I like to build “down time” into my vacations. My FI takes overnight trains just to pack in another location for 1 day. We have only been on one major vacation together (Hawaii for a wedding). The solution for us is to be apart for some of the time. He booked a spearfishing lesson (no thanks) while I booked a massage. We both got to do what we wanted and enjoyed ourselves.

So maybe while he is stuffing extra castles and cathedrals into your scheduled itinerary, you could inform him you aren’t going with, then visit a coffee/pastry shop and read a book, or check out a spa, or visit a wine bar/pub. Do things together in the morning/early afternoon, then spend the late afternoon doing your own things, meeting up for dinner afterwards.

Post # 8
715 posts
Busy bee

@MissCoffeeBean:  Aw… sorry, you’re having to deal with this. 

I am also a very active traveler, wanting to see a lot, wanting to experience a lot etc. whereas FI would be content to just lay by the pool for 2 weeks 😀 

Me and FI try to compromise & that works well for us. I gotta admit I do get antsy with “wasting” too much time by the pool… and rather bring my laptop and work at the pool if we’re doing that for some consecutive days… 

I  sort of “get” where your FI is coming from… It’s soo much easier to do these European travels atm while you’re still London based

I really do believe your FI needs to listen to your wants and needs though.. 

How about you suggest an itinerary for the next vacation? 

Maybe this way he’ll see that you can fit in quite a lot even with a not totally crazy checking of boxes kind of way? 

Or maybe you can do some splits like you do some of the stuff together – and then both of you get to go their seperate ways for a couple of hours… giving you the possibility to just take things slow / stay at a place you like & enjoy… 

and he can continue with his lists 😀 


Post # 9
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Couldn’t you split up? If you really need sleep or relaxation time, why not bow out of seeing one or two of the attractions and let your SO go see all of the things he wants to? 

I could see your SO getting annoyed that you aren’t taking in all of the sights, but just keep repeating that you need to relax/sleep/whatever, and will meet him back at the hotel when he is done, and would like him to tell you all about what he saw/did.

This seems like an acceptable compromise and both of you get what you want. And maybe when your SO realizes that sightseeing isnt quite as fun without you, he may be willing to cut back and compromise.

I would never be able to travel like your SO, that would be so stressful! I’m sorry!

Post # 11
526 posts
Busy bee

My dad travels like you SO, it was awful growing up and going on trips.  A few years ago my mom made the executive decision to do a cruise, and it was the best thing ever…we get to relax but make stops for dad to go crazy. 

in your situation where he wont compromise, i think you are doing the right thing by avoiding traveling with him.  good luck!

Post # 12
9859 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014


we’re a weird combo of you both.

I like to plan in advance so that we can do what we want to do and not feel rushed and we have time to relax etc.

FH doesn’t want to plan, he wants to ‘wing it’ when we get there, but then wants to cram everything in.

If I know what we want to see, I plan a logical schedule so we get to see everything without criscrossing the city we’re in or trucking all over the place last minute.  I also always leave time free for us to do whatever, and usually a day with nothing planned.

For our honeymoon, I want somewhere I can sleep in and lie on the beach.  FH wants adventure and stuff to do.  We’ve agreed to compromise and we’ll have some days of each, and if he wants to do something that I don’t, I can stay behind and relax while he does whatever it is.  (he will often go to a museum alone because I’d rather relax).

Perhaps you should tell your SO that next time you’re not getting up at 7am, he can go do XYZ and you’ll meet him at 10am at whatever stop is next.  Make a dinner reservation at a restaurant that he can brag about and then head yourself home after.  You don’t HAVE to do everything he does.


Post # 13
1327 posts
Bumble bee

Just don’t go.  Don’t go on vacations with him – he can go with his buddies that travel the same way – you can travel with your friends who enjoy a similar tempo.

His not being willing to compromise really sucks.  The only solution is not to travel together.  Because you’re not enjoying your trips, you’re just wasting time and money. 🙁

Post # 14
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m your SO. The way I do it is, we travel hard-core and make the most of it, then relax the last few days.

I can see where you’re coming from, though. I traveled with a friend, and she said it was like seeing a whole new side of me–the Nazi planner side. Luckily I’m also good in a pinch, so I got us out of a few sticky situations, but.

Post # 15
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i travel more like your SO also.

we took a 10 day trip to italy for our honeymoon.  we were out the door every morning at 7:30am.  we wanted to fit in as much as we could.

but i’m not a beach sitter for weeks at a time.  i could sit on the beach for 1 day, maybe 2 days max. 

i like to be busy and explore.


Post # 16
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Old Stone House in Brookyn

Do you think he would be open to going someplace that he’s already visited a few times? That way there is less for him to “cross off the list”.


I was going to suggest having him go on trips with friends to get the MUST SEE EVERYTHING out of his system, but you already travel so often it doesn’t seem like that would help. So maybe you should go on a relaxing trip with some girl friends instead 🙂


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