"It's not you…it's me" advice please

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I leave?
    yes : (257 votes)
    97 %
    no : (2 votes)
    1 %
    maybe : (7 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 3
    256 posts
    Helper bee

    Only you can make the decision to stay or not, but it doesn’t sound good.  It is hard to have a realistic discussion with someone that has proven himself to be a liar. 

    Trust me, the problems you have now will not go away or get better if you get married.  They generally get worse.

    Good luck.  9 years is a long time, but if you are miserable now, it probably is not going to get any better wasting more years with this man.


    Post # 4
    4136 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    IMO if he’s treating you like an option, you should move on. 

    Post # 5
    2323 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    @broken71:  The only advice I can give you, given the limited information we have here, is to talk to your loved ones about this.  Family and friends will be there for you and support you through it.  This sounds like a terribly difficult situation, not one anyone would want to endure alone.

    I know it can be uncomfortable, I was in a pretty awful relationship for 6 years and my family and friends had no idea how badly I was being treated.  I regret that, it made the time harder for me and it took me a lot longer to end it than it should’ve.  Wishing you all the best!!

    Post # 6
    2878 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’m sorry. 🙁 But I think he’s made his decision and he hasn’t gathered the courage to tell you he wants to break up. I don’t believe in breaks – what for ? To allow him to sleep with other girls then come back and expect you to take him back ? Think about it … you deserve more than someone who thinks he can just have you waiting for him endlessly. He’s not wanting to get married, while I guess you want this commitment. He wants to live as a single boy with no responsability – you want a man who will commit and cherish you. 

    I understand the hurt, I’ve been with my ex 9 years as well. It’s not easy, and it won’t be. But I’m sure years down the road, when you’re happily married to a man who will not even think about cheating on you because you are going to be his everything, you’ll never regret leaving. 

    He’s pushing you, by his attitude, to leave him because he can’t even tell you it’s over. He’s a coward. He’s been lying to you, and he’s telling you he feels like cheating. Please take a deep breath, hold your head high, and pack your belongings. Is there family, friends you could live with as a transition until you find your own place ?

    Sending love and courage your way. 

    Post # 8
    523 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    How did he ever think it would be okay to send your best friend sexual text messages?

    Post # 11
    371 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014 - Beach

    I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙁 9 years is a long time to be someone so ofcourse it won’t be easy to just leave. The previous lies that he tol i can forgive (because i was in the same situation) FI used to do stupid things and lie about it in the first moths of the relationship but we were very joung so i made it clear that’s its not okay and since he got older those things never happened again. To be honest with you if it was just about him saying that he is not ready now for marriage because he is 24 i do understand that. He seems very joung so i would have advised you to stay with him. 

    But honestley I dont know how someone could love someone and tell them I’m afraid to cheat. It just doesnt make any sense to me, that is the part that worries me. 

    If he is in a loving relationship, even if he doesnt want to get married for a few years, how does that relate to him cheating on you?

    Like some other bees mentioned maybe you could talk to family or close friends that you have. Someone who knows the relationship and you both and someone you can trust. 

    It’s only up to you to make that decision. But the cheating part is the part i really dont understand, it’s like an excuse to me 

    Post # 13
    2355 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Yes, you should leave. This relationship is over.

    Post # 14
    523 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @broken71:  I had no idea people we’re sexting 9 years ago, in 2005 we barely sent text messages and I was 18 at the time, not much older than you. But yea, he doesn’t seem to want to be in this relationshio anymore, it’s best to move on.

    Post # 15
    275 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @HappySky7:  +1

    I know you probably love this guy, but these issues will not magically disappear when you get married. If anything, they’ll get worse and more intense.

    Do you really, honestly feel loved by him in this situation? Are you really happy feeling like your SO is looking at other romantic options? Does it feel good to hear your SO say those disrespectful things to you?

    I’m gonna hazard a guess and say no to all of those questions. Respect yourself enough to let this guy go.

    Besides, your SO sounds like a coward… he wants to end the relationship, but he can’t do it himself. He’s trying to get you to end it (by giving you strong hints) so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about breaking your heart. 

    I would break up with him, but call him out on his bullshit. He’s being a huge asshat and a jerk by saying these things to you.

    Post # 16
    721 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    if i were you, i’d leave immediately

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