Post # 1
So my SO and I have been together for almst 9 years now.
Recently he told me that he doesn’t want to get married any time soon because he feels like he is still too young (he will be 24 this year). Shortly after this he told me that we should take a break because he doesn’t think he can trust himself (from cheating on me). He doesn’t know if he will but he says he doesn’t trust himself because of his past (he’s lied many times, sent sext’s to my bff in the past, etc.)
These things all happened when we were very young, and more recently I’ve gotten weird vibes from women he works with (them talking about losing their virginity, girl texting him talking about her making out with a dude, etc.)
I’m not sure what to do…he tells me that he needs time to just think, but we live together, which makes things a little difficult.
I don’t know if I should just give up and move on or wait for him to think things through? I’m torn, and I don’t feel comfortable talking to people I know about the current situation…
Post # 3
Only you can make the decision to stay or not, but it doesn’t sound good. It is hard to have a realistic discussion with someone that has proven himself to be a liar.
Trust me, the problems you have now will not go away or get better if you get married. They generally get worse.
Good luck. 9 years is a long time, but if you are miserable now, it probably is not going to get any better wasting more years with this man.
Post # 4
IMO if he’s treating you like an option, you should move on.
Post # 5
@broken71: The only advice I can give you, given the limited information we have here, is to talk to your loved ones about this. Family and friends will be there for you and support you through it. This sounds like a terribly difficult situation, not one anyone would want to endure alone.
I know it can be uncomfortable, I was in a pretty awful relationship for 6 years and my family and friends had no idea how badly I was being treated. I regret that, it made the time harder for me and it took me a lot longer to end it than it should’ve. Wishing you all the best!!
Post # 6
I’m sorry. 🙁 But I think he’s made his decision and he hasn’t gathered the courage to tell you he wants to break up. I don’t believe in breaks – what for ? To allow him to sleep with other girls then come back and expect you to take him back ? Think about it … you deserve more than someone who thinks he can just have you waiting for him endlessly. He’s not wanting to get married, while I guess you want this commitment. He wants to live as a single boy with no responsability – you want a man who will commit and cherish you.
I understand the hurt, I’ve been with my ex 9 years as well. It’s not easy, and it won’t be. But I’m sure years down the road, when you’re happily married to a man who will not even think about cheating on you because you are going to be his everything, you’ll never regret leaving.
He’s pushing you, by his attitude, to leave him because he can’t even tell you it’s over. He’s a coward. He’s been lying to you, and he’s telling you he feels like cheating. Please take a deep breath, hold your head high, and pack your belongings. Is there family, friends you could live with as a transition until you find your own place ?
Sending love and courage your way.
Post # 7
@qtrfan: the thing is though…I’m not miserable…I was happy…until he dropped those bombs on me and now I’m miserable thinking about all the years that have gone by for him to just come out and tell me this now. Thanks for the input though!
Post # 8
How did he ever think it would be okay to send your best friend sexual text messages?
Post # 9
@NauticalDisaster: I dont understand the idea of a break either. Makes no sense to me. He says he wants a break to think about why he does want to spend the rest of his life with me (?).
I feel like he also has mixed feelings because he comes from a broken family. Men that weren’t good to their women, and I feel like he’s afraid he will repeat their actions because of his past from when we were kids.
Unfortunately, less than a year ago we moved 600 miles away from our family. So a move back with family would be more difficult than I would like.
This is a hard decision and I appreciate your comment.
Post # 10
@HisBride515: who knows? We were 14…and not very serious at the time. I know that’s no excuse though. She started it, and he went along.
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2014 - Beach
I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙁 9 years is a long time to be someone so ofcourse it won’t be easy to just leave. The previous lies that he tol i can forgive (because i was in the same situation) FI used to do stupid things and lie about it in the first moths of the relationship but we were very joung so i made it clear that’s its not okay and since he got older those things never happened again. To be honest with you if it was just about him saying that he is not ready now for marriage because he is 24 i do understand that. He seems very joung so i would have advised you to stay with him.
But honestley I dont know how someone could love someone and tell them I’m afraid to cheat. It just doesnt make any sense to me, that is the part that worries me.
If he is in a loving relationship, even if he doesnt want to get married for a few years, how does that relate to him cheating on you?
Like some other bees mentioned maybe you could talk to family or close friends that you have. Someone who knows the relationship and you both and someone you can trust.
It’s only up to you to make that decision. But the cheating part is the part i really dont understand, it’s like an excuse to me
Post # 12
I think you nailed it here.
Post # 13
Yes, you should leave. This relationship is over.
Post # 14
@broken71: I had no idea people we’re sexting 9 years ago, in 2005 we barely sent text messages and I was 18 at the time, not much older than you. But yea, he doesn’t seem to want to be in this relationshio anymore, it’s best to move on.
Post # 15
I know you probably love this guy, but these issues will not magically disappear when you get married. If anything, they’ll get worse and more intense.
Do you really, honestly feel loved by him in this situation? Are you really happy feeling like your SO is looking at other romantic options? Does it feel good to hear your SO say those disrespectful things to you?
I’m gonna hazard a guess and say no to all of those questions. Respect yourself enough to let this guy go.
Besides, your SO sounds like a coward… he wants to end the relationship, but he can’t do it himself. He’s trying to get you to end it (by giving you strong hints) so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about breaking your heart.
I would break up with him, but call him out on his bullshit. He’s being a huge asshat and a jerk by saying these things to you.
Post # 16
if i were you, i’d leave immediately