- 6 years ago
Now that you’re caught up, here’s what happened lately:
After having a crazy reaction to Cipralex around the 4 week mark [this was about 10 days ago], my doctor told me to stop taking it immediately and prescribed me Wellbutrin. Well, the one night I stop the Cipralex…I’m up until 4am, wide awake at 8. Right back into my ‘up’ phase feelings. That lasted a few days, eventually I just up and decided to go to the ER because I felt like I was losing it [not sure if it was the Cipralex stoppage or the Wellbutrin, but 3 days into taking the Wellbutrin, I had my ‘up’ feelings in the morning and then a ridiculous depressive crash by the evening…hysterical crying included]. It freaked me out because I didn’t know what the heck was going on. The ER doctor told me to stop taking everything, gave me something to help me sleep until I saw the psychiatrist for the first time [my appointment was yesterday].
The last week has just been ridiculous, I’ve been going all over the place. I had the same thing happen a couple days ago, where it felt mixed. It was scary at one point. I picked a fight with my significant other, felt like I couldn’t even control myself or my emotions, ran around our apartment bawling uncontrollably. I think I can truly say that was me at my worst. At one point, I ran out of the room we were in and headed for the dining room. Even though I wasn’t even thinking of harming myself in any way at all… my significant other bolted into the kitchen to block the knives/utensils. It brings tears to my eyes even just thinking that he felt the need to do that. I’m so thankful I’m finally getting help. I feel like it reached the breaking point a long time ago, but everything felt like it got 100 times worse when I went on the antidepressants. I couldn’t function, get out of bed, even just thinking about going to work was out of the question. Even when I switched to the up phase after stopping the antidepressants. It’s like I can’t shut my brain off long enough to focus on work. I’ve been off sick from work since July 16th. Short-term disability just approved my leave well into August so I can get the medications sorted with the psychiatrist and hopefully start to feel a little more stable.
I’m happy/terrified/relieved/shocked to say that finally, after going through these swings since high school, dealing with all the work/relationship problems that they’ve caused… the psychiatrist was able to diagnose me yesterday. I have Type I, Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder. I feel really…weird. Even though I was kind of expecting to receive the Bipolar badge… I didn’t realize I’d be Type I. Though now reading up on it, it totally makes sense…especially the rapid cycling. The pdoc explained that the type is based really on how often/how long my episodes last.
He’s starting me on 150mg of Seroquel XR [an antipsychotic medication] for the first 4 days, then I go up to 300mg for the next 30 days, then we’ll see how I’m doing. He said the nice thing with Seroquel is it can possibly help with all 3 episodes I experience…the mania/mixed times/depressive. My fingers are crossed. I know it’s trial and error, though. I was given fair warning about how it can take a while to find the right combination. Anyone have any experience with Seroquel? I’m sure my eyes bugged out of my head as soon as the medical resident said the word “antipsychotic”…I looked at him and he was like “don’t worry, it’s not because we think you’re psychotic!” and we had a good laugh.
Anyhoo… I’m sorry for rambling. I just needed to get all of that out. I hate feeling like I’m overwhelming my family, friends, and significant other with all of this. I’m hoping I can find support here throughout this new stage in my life.
I know this is something I’ll have to talk about with my therapist, but I’m just curious to hear from those who have actually been there. I find today I’m really struggling with the actual diagnosis. As I said, I was half expecting it…but to actually hear it as truth just feels different. I have a mental illness. How do I know where I end and the disorder begins? How do I know if I’m upset about something, that it’s because I’m genuinely upset..not just irritable/anxious from the disorder or heading into a depressive episode? Like for example, with my SO. Granted he doesn’t know much about the disorder yet, but I worry that now every time we have an argument… he’s going to assume it’s the illness talking, not me. I don’t want that. I still have thoughts, feelings, etc. Just because I may get upset about something, doesn’t mean it’s automatically the illness.
For those who have the disorder, how did you guys handle accepting the diagnosis? Any advice? Also, for those either with the disorder OR those who know someone who has the disorder…any tips for explaining things to my SO? Any advice as to how I can help him accept things and/or help him see this needs to be taken seriously?
My apologies this is so long…thanks for reading! <3