Weddingbee boards

Hi Ladies,

This is just a follow-up to my previous post.  Everything fell apart and the battle with his mother just sucked the life out of our relationship.  He said he supported me and wasn't going to subject me to his mother's meanness but it was too much for him and he ended up turning it on me.  In a fit of emotion, hurt and confusion I gave him back his ring and the gifts his family gave us at our shower.

He got on a plane back home the next day (I live in his hometown and he was visiting) and now has blamed this entire thing on me.  He says I ended it and I have hurt him too much.  There are a couple of details that we need to speak about and he refuses to speak to me.  I called him on Saturday and he picked up the phone twice and hung up on me, then he turned his phone off.  I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but regret my decision. 

He was in my life for so long and I can't imagine loving someone as purely as I do him.  I feel sick to my stomach when I think of what this all really means.  Not to mention the humiliation and embarassment of calling off a wedding that is less than 2 months away. I don't understand why he won't even talk to me or answer an e-mail or text.  Just so heartbroken and devastated. How to go from about to marry someone to not willing to speak a word to them??

Val

Hello Lovely Ladies,

You all have been so very kind to take the time to give me advice and encouragement and I wanted to give you all an update. I am doing a tad better, day by day and have started counseling to help me sort through this sad mess. 

I still do feel guilt, although I am now starting to see that in a way, this is what he pushed for.  He finally talked to me and told me that he loves me but he needs to think of how his life would be and that he thinks of my moods and my dogs and my insecurities and he thinks that I need to mature before he can be with me.  I have had my dogs for 7 years and because I got them right after my Dad died, I am very attached to them, they are part of my family.  They sat with me as I sobbed night after night for my daddy and they made me laugh when I couldn't bear to smile and he wants me to just give them away and I can't do that, it would break my little heart.

I am a normal, college-educated 28 year who has no more issues than the next human being striving to be a better person.  In fact, unlike him, I had a normal, stable, nurturing and loving childhood which has given me a strong foundation.  I have yet to discover what I really want to do with my life and I work a normal accounting job right now, and it is not my calling but I just haven't found that yet, and he even throws that in my face, saying that he can't be with me until I have more direction inmy life.  I could understand if I did not work and pay my bills like a responsible adult, but I suppose me having a normal job does not suffice for him because he went to all ivy league schools and now holds a prestigious job.

He said that I need to work "through my issues" and we need to go our separate ways.  So this is no longer about his mom, or him ina ny way, it is all about me.  All blame is on me.  When I told him that I respected that and that I could no longer wait for him to want me so I had to move on and for the first time in 10 years I needed to give someone else a fair chance, and that I was going to change my phone number and filter my e-mail to automatically erase his emails, he told me that he couldn't lose me forever so that he was willing to talk to me.  So 2 weeks ago we were engaged to be married next month and now he is only willing to talk to me as some kind of pseudo-friend in waiting, that is the bone he threw me.

He said that he is not the one with the problems or issues so that he could not help me with mine.  Yes, I need to figure out what I want to do with my life and yes I need to improve my relationship with God, but I am not unlike others, I am a work in progress.  He even told me "I would be ok with marrying you even thought you don't know what you want to do if you were willing to pour yourself into me and what I do, but you aren't.  I suppose telling him that I would work 2 jobs to support us while he went to law school and move to another state so he could go to the school he wanted to go to was not enough pouring on my part. His love has so many conditions and I am finally beginning to see that I will never ever be able to meet those conditions because he wants someone who is perfect. 

He said he wished he could ruin my for other men the way I have ruined him for other women, because he knows I have a good heart and one of my gifts is my loving and nurturing nature.  It would not be hard for another man to eventually come into my life and blow him away because in all honesty he didn't do much for me, he tried here and there but it was me who was always going the extra mile for him.  I used to tell him he was my prince and my baby and I really treated him as that because I wanted him to love me and value me all these years.  There was no limit to what I would do for him but when his mom went crazy, it was too much and me refusing to be subjected to her meanness was something he could not and would not accept.  The moment I stopped playing along is the moment it all fell apart.  So he doesn't want me out of his life forever but he doesn't want me as I am either.   He has created this purgatory for me.

I will not lie and say that I do not love him or even that a part of me doesn't really really want him, because I do.  I just want to get to a place where I see him and this joke of a relationship for what it is.  I pray that I get to a place where I can stop this cycle of letting him back into my life.  In august I will have one more year in my twenties and I do not want to spend it waiting on a man who can never really love and accept me.  Please pray for me, say a word to the Big Man for this faceless girl whose words you read.  I need every bit of help I can get,any prayer, thought, or word of encouragement and advice is cherished and appreciated. Thank you ladies.

Val

I am so, so sorry you have to go through all of this.  Just wanted to add my support to everyone else's.  Breakups are never easy, and I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling.  Hang in there.  It sounds like you are taking good steps toward moving on.  Keep it up and try to stay as positive as you can...maybe treat yourself to something nice if possible. 

p.s.  My dogs have been in my life longer than any relationship I've had, including my current one.  I know just how you feel about them.  If any man ever told me to get rid of them I'd boot his dumb*ss out on the street, not my little fur babies!