Post # 1
I did the unthinkable. I fell in love with a man who doesn’t write me poetry, he doesn’t wisk me away, he doesn’t dance with me in the headlights of his truck- in fact…sometimes he doesn’t even answer my calls! 😉 But he is my best friend, he may not be a character in a Nicholas Sparks novel but I fell head over heels with a man who is HUMAN!
Even better- he loves me back. He doesn’t expect to me to be perfect and he goes out of his way to make me smile every day.
And yet I still have these meaningless, arbitrary objectives that I have connected to a certain level of “commitment” since I don’t yet have a ring!! I justify setting these ridiculous hurdles to try and get a feel for where our relationship is heading. When he doesn’t do a simple task, I extrapolate this into being a symbol of some deep issue and maybe he doesn’t see a future for us.
But I am nuts- I discuss everything and I cry and **dare I say nag** which further perpetuates his reluctancy. But he is patient and reassuring even when he really just wants to hang up the phone LOL. He is truly amazing in every single way. He procrastinates a bit but I have known this and I love him even more now that I understand him! We are 26- I am more successful as of now and he is just striving for some significance. He wants to be a great husband, so he is working hard on becoming a good man. I am a bit more stable as he got a bit of a later start but again this is nothing new!!
He wants to marry me- and I NEED TO WAIT! More importantly, I WANT TO WAIT! I absolutely do not want to marry a man who is not ready and I know that our future will be much more stable when we are both in a good place. BUT I CANT SHUT UP!!! My whole family loves him and they remind me that he is absolutely worth the wait ALL the time which I have never once doubted! But I am an impatient control freak who can’t shut my mouth. I know that as long as I am anticipating it- he will prolong it…..mostly in an effort to try to surprise me- although it usually backfires as I become so fixated.
I can’t seem to shake the jealousy I feel when other people get engaged or have children. I have this unrealistic expectation for myself that after x amount of months he should be doing this and after x amount of years he should be proposing and if he doesn’t then I am doomed!!!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN!!??!!
If someone told me- stick it out for 3 years and it will happen- I most certainly would respect the time frame. I would let life take it’s course and I would only secretly be counting down the days. But because there is no certainty, I have almost begun to stop enjoying the wonderful aspects of our relationship because I have been so consumed with what I don’t have. Occasionally, I even put in some overtime and do really special things for him to remind him of how great I am- but then it perpetuates my resentment cause he isn’t responding with a beautiful 3 carat moissanite round stone with a cushion cut halo!!
HAHAHAH someone please tell me I am normal- and that waiting is okay- I dont want to lose my bestfriend because of some ridiculous timeline and an ultimatum that will never work with this guy. We have only been together for 2 years – Can I just have permission to enjoy the ride and trust the man that God created for me?? I try to give it to myself but I trick myself into thinking he may have forgotten my ring size or something 😉
Post # 2
You’re not crazy. Or, at least, I hope you’re not, since I saw a lot of myself in your (very witty and fun-to-read) post! I never wanted to get married. I didn’t care one bit about having a “soul mate.” I hate weddings. But what happened after I met my SO? I started dreaming about getting married to him. The minute he told me the proposal was coming by the end of the year? I joined this site. So yeah, if you’re crazy, I’m crazy. But I’m okay with that, because my crazy comes with a great, loving, wonderful guy.
Post # 3
I could have written those last 2 paragraphs myself (and most of the rest of your post for that matter). I feel incredibly similarly to you and I completely empathize. My SO and I have been together for 2.5 years and I keep having these moments where I think the relationship is doomed or I assume he did XYZ because he doesn’t plan to ever marry me or some other deep dark revelation about our future. I am getting to the point where I have trouble enjoying our relationship at times because I don’t understand why he hasn’t asked. And I, too, put in the same type of ‘overtime’ you are referring to, and I am pretty crushed inside when he doesn’t respond with a ring. I know I am a great girlfriend and would be a great wife, so it gets pretty frustrating and sometimes I get sad. At the same time, I feel a little crazy because he is my best friend and we are very happy together and I know we will be together in the future. He knows I am ready….so I guess I just have to keep hoping that some day he will be ready too. It’s so hard.
Post # 4
I feel like I could have written that whole thing. Don’t worry, you’re not alone.
Post # 5
I could have written your whole post… 4 years before my ex broke up with me because he just didn’t want to marry me. I kept up the same behavior as you for 6+ years trying to show him I was worthy. You can’t force it, if he wants to marry you, he will once he realizes it. If he doesn’t it’s better to cut your losses. You just have to decide how long you are willing to wait for him to make a decision.
Post # 6
OP, I understand the emotions you’re feeling. And I know they can be painful in some ways. But I’m mystified as to why you’re convinced that you need to “shut it up,” to the point of flogging yourself and describing yourself as “nuts” for daring to speak up or even nag.
After two years together you at least deserve an answer about what timeline you two are (or aren’t) on.
This is not rocket science. It’s a simple, “Where is this relationship heading and when?” conversation.
There doesn’t have to be any drama attached to it.
Do you really think it’s OK, healthy and fair for you to dangle in limbo with your lips stitched neatly shut, when you have questions about the path your own life is taking?
Is it loving or mutual for your SO to hold all of the knowledge and answers about where your relationship is going, and for him to share that, unsolicited, only at some questionable point in the future when lightning strikes and he’s ready to have that conversation with you? If ever?
Here is a book about the research that supports speaking up:
Post # 7
Jessicaleigh21: You just made my day!! I have fallen in love with someone very similar, and I adore the fact that I can just wait and not worry overly-much about the future because one day it will just happen, and it will be wonderful, and beautiful; and it isn’t threatened by timelines or expectations, or ultimatiums. Congratulations on finding your wonderful guy!!