Post # 1
I have posted previously about a friendship that has been growing apart.
In case you have not read them, I will give you a little backstory
I have been bestfriends with this person for over 10 years. Talked daily, text or phone. Fast forward to today, I don’t remember the last time I spoke to her. I don’t know how we got here but all I know is that she is the one distancing herself. I know that this year has been hard on her but its odd that she won’t talk to me about anything.
I have a group of girlfriends that I introduced her to and I started to notice that she was avoiding me bc she would go out to the local pub with some of the girls and not tell me, the other girls could have text me but they know how close me and my friend are so they probably assumed that I was invited but just didn’t come out. I am not saying she has to invite me everywhere or report to me, but the type of relationship we had was a close one. We always always always invited eachother out no matter what. So I called her out on it, not in a mean way. I simply said “hey, I got married, I didnt divorce my social life!” I said it in a joking way so that I didnt come off like I was attacking her or anything. And she just kept giving excuses why she did not call me and I was hurt. I didn’t want it to escalate.
Months pass, I text, I call, she would either respond days later or not at all. I would try to get together, and she never committed to anything. She was always too busy but she always had time to go out with the other girls. I was crazy busy this ywar too but I would make time for her.
The last straw was after an email I wrote to her and I poured my heart out to her. I told her how much I missed her and how this year has been hard for me without her in it. I told her that I want to be there for her. It was hard for me to write that email bc I am not a confrontational person, and I was worried she would get defensive. I also felt pathetic bc its obvious she doesnt care about the friendship as much as I do. I cried writing that email and her response to my email was “I’m sorry you feel that way. Lets do dinner soon” I havent responded bc I know exactly what she means when she says “Im sorry you feel that way” -its a slap in the face and its her way of saying “yea screw you”
I am seeing her on Thurs. bc our friend is hosting a fundraiser event and she will be there to help. So I am anxious to see how she will act towards me and if she will bring up the email.
We have never been through something like this. We have never fought. If someone would have told me that we would end up like this, I would have never believed them.
How would you handle something like this? Do I just let it be? I mean I have tried and she has not tried at all.
Post # 2
Does she harbor resentment about you getting married?
Post # 3
I’m sorry for you. I am going through something sorta similar with one of my best friends. Loaded question but any way this has to do with you being engaged? I don’t know the back story so I may be totally off but I ask because in my situation, it was my friend being jealous.
Either way, I think it’s silly you poured your heart out to her and she couldn’t give you a thoughtful response.
Post # 4
It sucks, but sometimes people just grow apart. It sounds like you are at different places in your life, and while I hate this idea that everyone who isn’t married is jealous of everyone who is, I do think that it can be tough to maintain a friendship when your priorities are different.
I think you just have to accept that she’s phasing you out. I’m sorry, but it sounds like she’s done with this friendship.
Post # 5
nikkiibee: I don’t know – DH thinks that shes jealous and so does my mom and sister. I would feel self-centered if I ask her that.
FutureTMM: my wedding passed already but if it does have to do with me being married and shes not and no where near it-I dont think its a good idea to ask. I know her and if I asked/said “hey are you jealous” she would laugh in my face.
And I also want to say that we did go out to dinner once. Back in Februry for one of oue friends birthdays and the topic of moving and buying a house came up and when I talked about my plans to save for a house she put me down about it. Anything that I saod that night, she just didnt have anything positive to say to me. I didnt respond to it, I just brushed it off, but I was sad. So i feel there is a little jealousy.
I found out after the wedding that she complained every step of the way. One comment that was hurtful during the wedding planning was when she said that no one is ever excited to be a bridesmaid. 🙁
Post # 6
- Wedding: March 2017 - Kimmel Center of Performing Arts
I have a best friend who is single and we have been friends for well over 12 years and we are nowhere near as close as we once were. She became very bitter toward my relationship and would say comments like ” I’m looking for a man like yours”, Who says things like that? People get jealous and resentful because they secretly wish to be in your position. I think it’s best to distance yourself because you don’t need toxic friends in your life. Friendships should not be draining and stressful. That’s when you know it’s time to let it go. Let her reach out to you and then you can decided where to go from there. Hope everything works out!
Post # 7
Daizy914: yeah I definitely sense some jealousy and who needs that negativity?! I agree-flat out asking her if she’s jealous will cause problems. She will probably get very defensive. As a friend she should be excited for your house plans, etc. Maybe try asking her if everything has been ok in her life lately? Say she seems distant (if you haven’t worded it that way). Hope you can maintain your friendship!
Post # 8
mrs.mendoza15: yea thats what im going to do. I want to let her be the one to initiate plans
FutureTMM: i have asked her about whats goig on and she just says that she is in an “awkward” phase and that i shouldnt take it personally that shes not calling me to go out. And in my email I said that I am taking it personally bc this is not typical behaviour. Its odd that she would NOT call me to go out but call one of the girls who shes not that close with to go out.
Post # 9
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a hard time with your friend. Like some posters said previously, sometimes people just grow apart. i think aa hard as it might be to admit it to yourself, her actions ( and even her words ) are showing you that she’s not interested in your friendship anymore. If I were you I wouldn’t push it and focus on your other friends. Life is too short for you to make time for someone who won’t do the same for you.
Post # 10
Daizy914: “Im sorry you feel that way”– I absolutely agree with you!! this is NOT an apology whatsoever- I flip when people say this to me. They’re being passive aggressive by refusing to admit they did anything wrong, and they’re trying to flip the situation by implying you are in the wrong for getting upset- WTF?! I would really like to know how this asinine way of thinking came about- who the hell raised these jerks? do they teach this crap in school? How did I miss that class?! An apology is “I’m sorry” PERIOD!
I learned this lesson hard- that phrase is a HUGE RED FLAG, and you need to just cut her out of your life immediately! You don’t need to respond to any more messages, just ignore her completely. If she comes back with an honest apology then take her back and talk- but otherwise you’re better off without her!! Those people are aholes.
Post # 11
This chick is dicking you around now…. she knows how you feel and still doesn’t give a crap about it. Any real friend would’ve responded to your email by saying “hang on, I’m calling you right now” and explaining herself and trying to solve whatever issue you guys may have or have had in the past, and most importantly apologizing for making you feel bad wether it was intentional or not.
Similar thing happened to me with my best friend. He got engaged to one of my coworkers (which i set them up). The moment they got engaged and even a bit before, he was completely different and completely cut ties with me. Never called, never replied…. it was pretty hurtful. One day he text messaged my FI asking for a favor (of course…) and my FI told him to pound sand. That’s when my friend decided to text me and say “whateve is going on, we need to act like adults and figure out a solution”. I wrote him an email and layed EVERYTHING out. His response “lets just forget about this”. Seriously? That was his response to an email the size of a college paper?? Fuck that….. I never had an issue to resolve with him and after pouring out all my feelings and telling him how badly he had hurt me, that’s the response I got. No thanks…. I’ll see you at my wedding but only because I want your chick there! After that….. nope!
My dear you need to move on. Start going out with your girlfriends and if she’s there, fine. You can’t wait around for her to realize she’s being an asshole.
Good luck…… friendship drama sucks!
Post # 12
MrsPiggles: Oh and sorry for the language, I’m at work and it rubs in really fast haha. I work surrounded by potty mouths!
Post # 13
Daizy914: hey girl! I’m going to say letigo on this one. if you guys were once close but she’s distancing herself then she’s the one with this issue. her sry you feel this way bs is bs. She’s trying to put it on you. What I learned is if you aren’t willing to come to the table and work shit out then you have 50%+ of the blame.
Not saying you are perfect (She probably perceives you as doing or representing something wrong in her life) but you are at least willing to come to the table.
You can’t force her to meet you halfway. Mourn the loss of your friendship. Clue your other girlfriends in: “hey you are super important to me and I want to make sure we prioritze our friendship. I need my girl time so please let me know when you want to hang — solo or in a group :)”
no need to bring up dramz, but you should make an effort to ensure your other girlfriends keep you in the loop.
Have chocolate, wine, cake whatever. Take yourself to a massage or whatever helps you feel centered.
You seem like a sweet person so just focus on the friends who will meet you halfway.
Post # 14
Daizy914: I can only comment on the “why is she calling other girls” thing. It may be one of the following:
-she feels that all you talk about is marriage or you changed in a way or she thinks you changed in a way(obviously I don’t know if that’s true or whatever but it can also be something else other than marriage. I have drifted apart from a friend because all she ever talked about anymore were the guys she was sleeping with and i felt that she had changed)
-she just wants to be around people that don’t know her well and forget about whatever that is that’s troubling her. I’m leaning towards this option more because I personally sometimes just don’t wanna talk about any problem etc and I specifically spend time with people I’m not that close to when I’m having a hard time. You can say that if she wants to not talk about it you’d just not talk about it, but she would still be reminded of her problems.
and also, if she’s going through a really really hard time, she might be thinking that you’re making it about yourself, leading her to think you are being selfish, and she just doesn’t find it in herself to fix it. that’s the only way I can explain “i’m sorry you feel that way”.
If one of the above is not the case just let her go because she is just completely jealous that she can’t stand to be with you anymore. good luck!
Post # 15
imnotgettinmarried: i try very hard not talk about my marriage even though I shouldn’t feel bad talking about it and I hardly talked about wedding planning too. My wedding was a huge deal for me. I was with DH for 10 years, so I was so thrilled and excited for us and to think back and see that she couldnt give to craps hurts.
Maybe you are roght and she doesnt want to talk about her problems and thats fine but she wont call me even just to hang out? Catch up and talk about anything – she wont even do that.
I asked her multiple times if I have done something wrong bc if I have, I want to fix it and she said no every time. I am also bothered by the fact that I wrote her this email and she didnt call or text to talk about it. She just left it at “im sorry you feel that way” and thats it. If things were reversed btwn us and I was the one behaving like her, I would have picked up the phone and said hey whats gping on? We should meet up right away.
I think at this point she has made it very clear that she doesnt care and I think I should mourn this friendship and move on. Bc the truth is, its never going to go back to the way it was