- Miss Pez
- 5 years ago
Or actually, I called it quits.
A little background history: We have been together for 3 1/2 years, engaged for 1 1/2 years. Sold my house 3 months ago and moved in with him. I love this man more and more every day, he will always hold a place in my heart. But last night, I came home from work and said I was moving out. Not because I wanted to, but because I needed to. I know some on here may not understand why I needed to and why I didnt want to. But let me tell you, it has been one of the hardest and most difficult decisions I have ever made.
We have been having out share of problems recently. I can admit my problems. I have an attitude when provoked, who doesn’t. It’s not the best flaw a person can have, but I own it when I realize I am being a beast.
Then there is also his drunken abusive nights. Not physically, just any other possible way he can without harming my body. I wrote this in response to Aquababes and the abuse she faced: “I can’t say that I am in the same situation but I know I have had my fair amount of verbal abuse from my SO. Mainly when he has had too much to drink. That is when it is the worse. I have been broken up with and kicked out of our house numerous times. And of course this always changes when he sobers up and doesnt remember what happened. And then I always go back because I love him. There are also times when he isn’t drunk. ANd he does something to irritate me. He then tells me that I am unpleasant. I am terrible to live with. I am prone to pre-disposed anger. That I am “attacking” him (attacking meaning that if I get upset by something he says or does, it’s my fault and I am not taking responsibility. Not in a physical way). I can’t share my feelings with out him thinking I am angry, when I can sweetly and sincerly say how I feel. I sold my house and moved in with him. I don’t make enough money to have an apartment myself anymore. I have no peace it feels like. I love him dealry though. We have good days, he tells me I am beautiful, spends money on me when we can but I feel like I can’t be myself anymore. I can’t get upset at anything. It always has to be smiles, smiles, smiles or else I am a bad person and causing our relationship to fail. He says relationships are always fun, never a need for an argument and when it happens, it’s my fault. It’s tiring. I love him and I want things to work. He is a good person, but how much of myself do I have to let go in order for us to work.”
You can read about the most recent problem we have here 4 weeks ago: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/im-a-crying-mess .
If you dont read the link, our recent problem, was he realized after dating me for 3 1/2 years, that he didnt ever want another child again. (He has 4 daughters, he is 38 years old, started really early in life). And being a mother in something I want in my life one day. I am 31 years old and I would like to have a child in 4 years. Our whole relationship, he told me he wanted me make me his baby momma, wanted to see me have a baby bump, and even picked out children names (we all do that, right?). So for him to tell me this after 3 1/2 years, was a real kill for me. (yes, I applaud him for being honest, but that isnt the point). I can sacrifice a lot in a relationship, but never being a mother is something I can’t tolerate.
We have talked about this past issue several times. To the point where he will “DEAL” with it when it comes time I want a child. He says he will be unhappy and sad when it happens. He is not good with kids. Never wanted his kids and is only a weekend dad. But he would “DEAL” with it because he didnt want to lose me. Maybe I am a different person than he is, but I dont want someone who will “DEAL” with having a child with me. I want someone to want to want a child with me. I love this man; it hurt when he told me these things. All I can say is I feel like I love this man enough to not put him through something he doesnt want.
This has been the hardest decision for me. I feel like no matter what decision I am to make, I will hurt no matter what. If I stay, I will hurt myself by being with a man that doesnt want to share every part of a life with me and having a kid. If I go, I will be heart broken and break his heart as well. I have had no peace at all the past few weeks. I searched around all day yesterday for an apartment. I came home yesterday, sttod in front of him and broke down into a million pieces. I told him that I was moving out this week. That our relationship is not healthy for us. That I didnt want to hurt him in the long run of things because I wanted a baby one day. I told him that I love him and he will always hold a place in my heart. I told him long ago, if something ever happened between us, I would rather have him as a friend in my life, than nothing at all. He agreed. He also agreed about our status. He knew it was going to come sooner or later.
But Bees…. I feel terrible! I am heart broken. I know I broke his heart. He cried all night long, as did I. I dont want to be without him. But I don’t know how our future will work. My friends have said I did the right thing. The drunk nights will never change. Him not wanting to have a child will not change. I love this man, and I feel even emptier today. I feel as if I made thr ight decision, but it is so hard to walk away from this man, our life, our love after 3 1/2 years. I miss him already!