- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Who is the wedding reception for?
A common response to posts on this board is, "It's your day! Do what you want!"
Is this fair?
After all, is a wedding really just about the bride (or the bride and the groom) if the bride and the groom invite their friends and family along for the ride?
Certain things should definitely be what the bride wants, i.e. the dress, who her bridesmaids are. Certain things are definitely about the couple, i.e. the type of ceremony, the style of reception.
But isn't there a line? If you are hosting any other party, wouldn't you think about what your guests want in addition to what you love or hate? If I were to host a pizza party and know that half of my guests like pepperoni, I would still order it even though I hate it. Is a wedding reception any different?
Do we, as brides, get so wrapped up thinking "it's a reflection of me!" that we forget how to be gracious hosts? Is there a balance between making our receptions personal and making them these fantasy worlds where we only surround ourselves with stuff we love, ban everything we hate, and force those decisions upon our guests?
Yeah kinda (my view--i paid for it i'm doin' what i want) but we should always be gracious hostesses and hosts. I think there is always a good way to meld the things you want with the "expected" courtesies towards your guests
My response is, "it's for everyone." It's for the couple, because it's a celebration of their love, it's for the guests because they're the one's who are witnessing and encouraging that union. I think one of the trickiest things in wedding planning is to find the balance.
I get where you're coming from. However, a wedding isn't exactly a house party either. I think there has to be some sort of middle ground. Hahahaha - I say that when we're having a lasagna only for dinner and a completely chocolate cake. Oops! I guess I didn't think about that happy medium - just us. Hahahahaha.
I guess we figured since we're paying for it, we want food that we love. And since we want it to be good, we're going to focus in on making one thing great. I guess if there is someone on our list who doesn't like lasagna or chocolate, there is time after to pick something up for dinner on the way home.
It's about welcoming those who want to celebrate you two. That's a good sum up.
Yeah, I haven't really felt comfortable when people have said that to me. I don't want to be princess for a day, I just want to marry my man with my friends and family and have a good time doing so. But that's just me. Maybe for others, it's the day they've been waiting for their whole life, so I don't judge. But I do feel uncomfortable when it's said to me ABOUT me. I feel like if it were really MY day, I'd be spending it in a far less stressful environment - say, on the beach, with a drink in hand.
I have to agree--to me, weddings are about community and family, not just about the couple. They are statements to the world! And as the bride or groom, you should absolutely be able to have what you want, within reason--you shouldn't deliberately make your guests uncomfortable (although it is impossible to please EVERYONE) and you shouldn't expect burdensome assistance from others (like spending your parents--or yourself and future spouse--into unmanageable debt).
I'm torn on this issue. I think that in a lot of respects it is "our day" (and by that I mean bride AND groom), but it is also a day for our families and friends. Especially if family is paying, which ours are, it is important to have a balance between what we as a couple want for our wedding and what is feasible/appealing to the people paying for it. As far as pleasing guests goes, you can't please everyone. I'm trying to make it as easy as possible for guests by arranging transportation and trying to offer a variety of food by doing multiple food stations, but that's pretty much it. And I don't feel bad about that because it IS our wedding. They will have their day, or have already had it, so if you don't like something suck it up and keep your mouth shut!
Yes, its the bride and groom's day, but they are also hosting guests. Its important that you keep your guests in mind, but not so much so that the wedding no longer reflects the bride and groom.
When I host a party at my house I'm mindful of my guests, but you still know I threw the party.
I don't have the whole 'it's your day' mentality, but I def think the happiness of the bride and groom come first and everyone else's opinion is secondary. Parents and VIP family members come next, and guests......you can't please everyone. Unless you have 100 guests and 40 of them have the exact same food allergy/preference, you can't accomidate everyone. You can't make everyone happy. Aunt Maude may bitch to you the whole time you're planning that your colors should have been silver and olive green. Too bad. That you should have served straberry flavored cake because that is what she and her daughter and your mom all had at their wedding. too bad. They all got to get married once too and had their OWN wedding.
That said....you have to let people do their own thing too. If someone wants to be mad, they can be mad. If someone can't go, it's OK. Let it go. I knew my wedding was not the center of everyone elses universe, and probably not even all that special to most of the people there. So if someone wanted to leave before even watching us cut the cake or whatever, oh well. And yes...I second that you shouldn't go out of your way to make people uncomfortable or shock anyone....but you also don't want to worry too much about making everyone else happy. Because it won't happen.
I agree with you 100%, jocelyn.
I have no problem with a bride or groom saying they really like pork, and want to make sure they have pork as an option for dinner. But I think it's important to provide guests with options they like too. You can't eat every possible entree. So if you hate beef, why do you need to keep others from having it? (I understand there are other reasons someone might have for not having beef.) Or when people try to only have some obscure cuisine, that guests might not like, I cringe. Sure have some aspects, but have some safe foods too.
I don't have issues with the style of one's wedding. But if as a guest, I feel like I've been shown a lousy time, so that the bride and groom could have the most expensive rings, best honeymoon, or designer dress, then I get upset. Then don't invite me if you can't afford it. (It's different if they just don't have a lot of money, and are doing the best they can.) It kind of feels like they want the party, to be the center of attention (with the adoring family), and to get lot of presents...but don't want to show the same affection for their guests.
I hate when I hear brides say that it's their day and people can suck it up for a few hours. Yikes. If you really want people celebrating with you, why would you want them to "suck it up" and suffer through any portion of your celebration? OK, I'll stop now.
@jocelyn...you make a very valid point and it's one i've thought of many times. In 20 years, you and your husband will hopefully look back and think on the wedding/reception and have fond memories about how the cake looked, the way the lights sparkled, how your first dance went, blah blah blah (I was borderline getting cheesy there lol)....in 20 years, do you really think all your guests will remember the details of your reception like you did? Plan your wedding according to the people who will actually remember it (you guys). Unless you and your FI want to only serve raw fish as the only option and serve unsweetened chocolate cake, I'm pretty sure you're going to be coming up with something that pleases both you and the guests! :)
I think there is a difference between a guest not digging your colors and asking your guests to drive two hours between the ceremony and the reception because the church you really love and the venue you really love are far apart. And there is a difference between a guest being allergic to your shrimp appetizer and choosing to only serve shrimp as your main meal because it is your favorite food.
Sure, our happiness should have a greater weight than our guests, but I think that if we add up the happiness of 100+ guests and compare it to our individual happines, the happiness scale sort of evens out.
At first it was really important for me to choose all these appetizers that I really loved and none that I wouldn't eat. I bent on that and I am glad I did. I ended up not eating any of them, and even if I had, the ratio of what I would have eaten compared to what my guests enjoyed would have been huge. I would rather have all my guests feel well taken care of than know that I could have eaten anything because nothing had tomatoes in it.
I think we get so enamoured with the notion that we can have this whole event specifically designed to our desires that we forget our guests will partake in all of it more than we will.
I agree with noelle-a-belle. I've always been the kind of person who tries so hard to please everyone, especially with events and dinners I host, and our wedding was no exception. But the more I planned, I realized that with weddings, it's sometimes impossible to be the best host ever, and the bride and groom need to be selfish sometimes to ensure their own happiness.
When you really think about it, without the bride and groom, there wouldn't be a wedding, so really, it is truly is about them. Otherwise, it's just a big party. But then, there's also the two families that come together. We did our best to acknowledge that, and even made toasts to our new families at the reception, and made some sacrifices to make them happy as far as guest lists and stuff. But it gets to a point where for the most part, you need to make decisions that will make you happy, and not everyone else. No guest is REQUIRED to attend a wedding. All that a wedding truly needs is the bride, groom, witnesses, and an officiant. Everyone and everything on top of that is icing on the cake. I think it's so strange when people say, "My presence at a wedding is my gift to the couple," as if it's come kind of huge burden on them. And it's true that a guest attending your wedding truly is a gift, but that kind of mentality that some guests have is weird to me. I mean, the guest gets a full meal usually, free booze, cake and a good time (hopefully). Honestly, I think attending weddings (for people you like anyway) are an honor. I also think it's funny when someone will complain about getting invited to a wedding because they feel like they "have" to go and don't really want to, but when they don't get an invite, they get offended.
Oh, weddings! So complicated!
P.S. all things considered, I think we were very gracious hosts. My mom is STILL telling me, more than a month after our wedding, that people are coming up to her and saying how much fun they had, and how much we thought of our guests. I just didn't want anyone thinking that we were totally selfish.
I was all about making it a great day for my guests. I couldn't have a good day if they were at all uncomfortable. I wanted them well fed, quenched, and entertained.
That being said, I did make them wait about 4 hours between ceremony and reception (but it was worth it!).
My husband and I got a wonderful day with all our loved ones - that's quite enough for us!
@Tanya - When I said "suck it up" I was referring to people who are judgy about little stuff like flowers or linens or the dresses/groomsmen outfits or the music - general aesthetic stuff that has to do with personal taste and nothing to do with their comfort level as guests. We are spending a pretty penny making sure that our guests will be more than taken care of, yet people will always find something to complain or be judgy about.
Yes, I'm getting married outside in August, but there will also be a paper fan and cold bottles of water for you at the ceremony, which will be like 20 minutes long tops. Yes, the ceremony/reception site will be 20-30 minutes from the hotel, but you'll have transportation provided if you'd like to partake in the 5 hours of open bar we're paying for. Yes, we will be taking pictures between the ceremony and reception because it is important to us not to see each other before the wedding, but there will be an hour of open bar and delicious food and live music for you while you wait. I could go on, but you all get the point. if after everything people still want to complain about something, TO THAT I say suck it up.
Kitty- nothing you are doing is unreasonable. Any guest who isn't ok with all that should, in fact, suck it up.
I read somewhere (probably on apracticalwedding.com) that your wedding is your first act of hospitality as a husband and wife and that REALLY stuck with me. I completely agree with that statment.
My fiance is hugely concerned with how our guests (read: his traditional family) will view our wedding, to the point where I've given up a lot of what I wanted to do. While I definitely see his point, I wish he'd see my side a bit more often. I. Don't. Want. a super-traditional wedding. At all. For me, it's the couple-specific details that make it the most fun. And while we're doing some stuff that's "us", I really wish we could do more.
@jocelyn, I totally agree with you! I am pretty turned off by the whole "its your day!" notion as well. I agree that there are some decisions that are very personal, and that you don't need to take every single person's opinion into account, but to me, making sure our guests were happy and enjoying themselves was a pretty big priority.
I did see every guest who attended as a special present to us and I felt honored that everyone came. I wanted to do whatever we could to make them feel welcome and feel special. But I also wanted the wedding to reflect us, because they were coming for our marriage - so things like colors, flowers, etc - were important to me to be things we liked....and throwing in some food items we liked also!
Now that my wedding is over, everyone told me they had a blast. Part was my awesome dj, but part I believe was that my FI now Hubby and I did the things we wanted to do and we were so happy about our decisions it made for a very fun and comfortable time for all, so yes i'd lean more to the it's all about us day!
Just to be clear, we don't have money and we're paying for it almost entirely by our very poor selves. So, we have lasagna because it was a choice between a bunch of different crappier food or good dinner that is on one track. Also, we can only really invite family, who - duh, all of them are Italian - love lasagna and more than likely chocolate.
I agree that if the bride and groom clearly spent more money on themselves than the party for guests, then that'a a bit shallow. However, it's probably not good to assume that the back story is necessarily known, even if there is a monsterous rock on the bride's hand.
When we wanted to elope because we didn't want a wedding, my mother exclaimed, "The wedding isn't FOR you!" I was kind of taken back by that comment. Sorry, folks. The day is literally about the bride and groom. To be kinda punky about the food or drinks might not be a preference for guests, but...it's for the bride and groom. Yes, being considerate of guests is completely normal, but I doubt anyone here would freak out on a guest for not liking the food and forcing them to eat it.
I agree with you. I haven't read through all the posts yet but it has gotten really hard for me lately being a bride and then also standing in several other weddings at the same time. This past weekend I went dress shopping with a bride and she stood there yelling at us and her mother that it was her wedding and she'd get the dress that she wanted! We had only looked at 3 dresses. All we were saying was that we liked number 2 better then the other dresses.
It seems to me that some girls think that getting a ring on their hand is a green light to be a B*t&c#!~ I just don't get it. I've been engaged now since May and I haven't yelled at anyone over this whole wedding planning process. I am expecting some in these last few months but nothing like what I've witnessed!
@Br1tSh1n1ngStar: YES! I thought it was hilarious that the things that our parents kept saying guests would think was odd or wouldn't like turned out to be the hilights of everyone's evenings. Everyone keeps telling our parents and us that it was the funnest wedding they have ever been to, and I agree with you completely; it's BECAUSE the wedding had so much of 'us' in it and we were obviously happy, they fed off of that and really let loose.
I think there is a balance that's achieved. I had a really hard time with the "It's my day" concept... UNTIL... I started getting bombarded with opinions from well-meaning family.
I desire to be a very good hostess and have put my guests enjoyment of the festivities in the front of my planning mind.
That said, it's still OUR day. We are the ones making choices about how it will all play out. We are the ones hosting the party.
I think what makes a wedding non-cookie cutter is making it YOUR day! It's not about demanding that things be done - but it's more about personalizing it to be a wedding that reflects you and your FI.
I think it should be a mix of both ..some sort of compromise , like you could do something for everyone else , but at the same time , make sure u like it urself...I believe it is about the bride and groom , therefore it is their day , however , they shouldn't do things that they deliberately realize noone will like or appreciate ..
Let me make clear that I think the ceremony and the marriage itself are completely about the bride and the groom. I just think it gets blurry with regards to everything else.
I definitely see both sides of the coin. In my opinion it is OUR day and the guests should be mindful of that when they are being critical of the decisions made. I think however that the B&G do have a responsibility to show the people that come out to support them a "good time", what defines that is ultimately up to the couple.
I'm not shallow by any means however, i'm also not spending $xxx for you to have things you feel you're entitled too ie. top shelf alcohol or filet, etc. I think that a wedding is about the union of two people and that being the case, should not reflect other people's idea of an ideal event.
We've done everything in our power to ensure our guests leave our reception feeling a little bit closer to us, . We've also made every reasonable attempt to make sure they have a good time for the 6 hours they will be with us. In the end, it's inevitable that someone will complain. It never fails.
Well, I mean I think that both are true - it is important to be gracious hosts, but it's also important to be happy. When it comes to things like you want a chocolate wedding cake and your mom says vanilla, if it makes YOU and FI happy to have chocolate, then ignore your mother and do it. That's not about being a gracious host, it's about having something you want, the way you want. I am tired of people saying that it is necessarily all about the reception/wedding and that guests get so much say. They aren't paying for it - you are. So, I'm not saying bridezilla out and if you are a vegetarian and so you refuse to serve meat, ok, that's going a little far (or at least have something carnivores will like, to eat too). At the same time, it is YOUR day! You shouldn't have to be walked on like a door mat just so you don't 'seem like a bridezilla.' Just like with everything else, there is a delicate balance.
-Bella
My FI says it is his way of thanking everyone in his life for helping to raise him and guide him through life. I hadn't ever thought of that way but it makes sense and helps to keep me grounded in all this wedding planning.
One thing I have never understood about the "it's MY day" mantra is that if you wanted the whole thing to be about you, why are you even inviting others??? If I wanted a day all for myself and my FI, we would have a luxurious elopement. We'd prefer to have friends and family with us, so we are including their comfort and preferences in our planning process.
If it were up to just us, I think it would be a courthouse ceremony tonight! But it means so much to both our families. And since my parents are so generously fronting the bill, they can pretty much have my wedding however they want! Luckily, they want it done however we want and haven't been pushy at all (other than continuing to add guests when we want it really small, but hey, they're proud!)
Hahahaha. This is getting kind of funny. Everyone is basically saying almost the same thing. It's not a saying or a mindset. It's literal. The wedding is about the bride and groom. I think where it gets fuzzy for most is in the reception, like jocelyn has pointed out.
However, that might come down to who is paying. If your family is paying, I think many feel like they need to step back and let those who are paying get their preferences in, as it is their friends and money, right? By saying that it's your day, no one is admitting to being selfish or self-centered even. It's just simply about the bride and groom.
Obviously, you invite others because you want to share it with them. That doesn't necessarily mean share the planning and choices with them. Don't feel guilty for being excited about the one day where it's about you. I say that knowing I haven't yet come to complete terms with that, but it's not wrong to feel that way. Everyone else had/will have theirs. Take this time for you guys to have fun. Chances are that if it's your family and friends, they will like the same things you do and have fun as well. Just don't stress over pleasing the guests above yourselves - even for the reception.
@Jelly Bean - I think you are right! But what always irks me is that often the "its YOUR day" thing on WB is used to support people making almost *any* decision. Such as (not a real example) "We can save some money by having our wedding on a Monday night an hour away from the city - will that put out our guests?" and then responding "its YOUR day! do whatever you want!!"
to me, those are the types of things where you should take your guests into account. Its not how much money you spend on feeding your guests or whatever, its taking them into consideration on decisions such as time, date, location, etc.
Janna, I agree with disliking the "It's your day!" statement to justify any decision. Sometimes I feel friends can go too far in that direction. If I'm trying on a hideous dress and in my pre-wedding delusion I've convinced myself that maybe it could work, I want people to be for real with me!
I think taken to the extreme, the "It's MY day!!" attitude is what we see on shows like Bridezilla. Taken to the other extreme, brides can end up ready to scream trying to please everyone and their third cousin once removed Vinny.
I really don't like the statement "It's your day!" but I have to disagree with some of the comments about food.
"If you are hosting any other party, wouldn't you think about what your guests want in addition to what you love or hate? If I were to host a pizza party and know that half of my guests like pepperoni, I would still order it even though I hate it."
If I were hosting any other party then yes, I would think about what other guests want but that doesn't mean I have to order/serve something I hate. I'd try to come up with food that I think everyone will like but I still would not serve something I hate.
If you don't like tomatoes then I don't see the problem with keeping the appetizers /meal tomato-free. There are so many food options out there besides tomatoes that I can't imagine people would honestly not like anything served and seriously miss the tomatoes.
On the other hand, I do think that doing something like only serving shrimp because you love it would be a bad idea, especially at a large party like a wedding where it's likely that a non-trivial portion won't like shrimp or if you know that people don't like shrimp.
I really don't think that it's being a bad host to only serve foods that you like, as long as you're offering food that your guests will also enjoy. Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable serving food that I don't like at any party because since I don't like it to begin with I wouldn't necessarily be able to tell if it was good. If I think any dish with asparagus inherently tastes horrid then I wouldn't be able to tell if other people would like it and if I was serving horrid food then I -would- feel like a bad host.
"So if you hate beef, why do you need to keep others from having it?"
But as much as you can't eat every entree, you also can't serve every type of food. Since you have to make choices anyway, I don't see what the problem is with cutting out things that you don't like.
I definitely think you should keep your guests in mind, but you would go absolutely crazy if you tried to please everyone! There definitely has to be a balance.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Lyndzo | 52 |
| Brielle | 41 |
| mypinkshoes | 34 |
| his chippymunk | 32 |
| Cady | 32 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 32 |
| TheLionQueen | 31 |
| AshleyR83 | 30 |
| This Time Round | 30 |
| ndreighton | 27 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| andielovesj | 5 |
| DeeVine1217 | 5 |
| beargoose | 4 |
| AshleyR83 | 4 |
| fishbone | 4 |
 Jamcnair |
3 |
| his chippymunk | 3 |
| ana77 | 3 |
| mightywombat | 2 |
| dkeller30 |
2 |
