- 4 years ago
I’m sure we’ve all had our fair share of family drama.
I have a bad relationship with my family. The usual negativity (called fat, ugly, stupid most of my childhood and teen years), had to witness a lot of physical abuse and then experience my own. Then had to live my teen years waking up at 4AM because my parents were in another heated fight, not just yelling but knives in hand. We did not have much money, my sister ran away at 18 got pregnant and married the father.
Once she had the baby I became the babysitter (I was 13 or so) while she went out to party. One night when sleeping at her home someone (I believe her husband at the time) came into my room and tried some things and even though in that moment I froze, I got out of it relatively unharmed. I told my sister of this (she was in her 20s) and she didn’t believe me, called me a liar etc.
When I was in grade 6 I was walking home from school and someone tried to kidnap me. The school assistant called the police and called my home. My parents didn’t even come, my sister came for me. When I got home no one asked or comforted me they just pretended as though nothing happened.
About 2 years ago I had mentioned something to my sister about not wanting to visit at her place for too long because I didn’t really like all the people that hung around her house. She got upset and then told me that she never wanted to speak to me again, she basically deleted me from her life and that was that. When I went out for a family meal she pretended I wasn’t there.
So fast forward to present day. I just wanted to give some context to my family dilemma.
My brother moved to another province over a year ago. When we got engaged I asked him if he would come and he said no he couldn’t take time off. So I said ok and made the guestlist. A couple of days ago he wrote that he got a transfer and would be back in Oct. (we get married in Nov) so I said we had already made the list but I can try to squeeze him in somewhere. He said that he’d go but only on one condition.
His condition was that I spend X amount of times with my family each year. I said ok, as long as it’s in a neutral place (not my sisters or parents home). He then continued to berrate me over texts saying that I should just “grow up” and when I gave reasons as to why I’d prefer meeting in a public space he again (for the 10th time) told me to grow up and that I would continue to go it alone and I’d regret it.
This is bothering me. I don’t regret my choices, I’ve had to make hard ones to separate myself from my family because it was and continues to be an unhealthy relationship. But to have someone give me conditions, and basically tell me that I am the only one that needs to grow up even though if I look at all of us I think I’m the most mature and level headed of the bunch. It saddens me that I do not have people there for me on my wedding day, I have always been jealous of happy loving families who support one another. But this is not that family. I have great friends who have become my family, who support and love me and treat me respectfully.
Is there more to family than just sharing blood? Am I in the wrong and should I give into his conditions?
I just want to feel completely happy on my wedding day and not to be told everything that is perceived to be wrong with me. Is that too much to ask?
Anyone with similar family issues?