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I have been with my husband since high school and although this will sound confusing, I love him dearly. More than anything in the world. He just doesn't do it for me in a intimate fashion and hasn't for quite some time. I have been with other men for going on 8 years now. I was stepping out of our relationship and having sex with other guys prior to our engagment and up until our wedding and I was good for almost a year after our wedding, I have contiuned down this path. It is very hard for me but I need intimacy. I usually meet guys online or stop into a bar and strike up a conversation with a cute guy and take it from there. last night was the breaking point. I was out with friends when I met a cute guy, my friends don't know about my ways. We went back to their house(they are a couple, my husband was at work) and after one last drink there, I left, went back to the bar and met the young cutie, we got a room downtown and had a very steamy night and morning. Now I am faced with the guilt of what I have been doing for years, it always sets in the day after. I love my guy and would do anything for him, he just isn't romantic, slightly overweight and well not a great bed partner.We've been to counciling and it accomplished nothing.
Thoughts Ladies?
I am prepared for the worst
My thought is to come clean to your husband immediately and be prepared for your marriage to be over. You can't remain married to someone who you clearly have no respect for.
You need to call and get yourself into counseling, ASAP. Find a new counselor and be 100% open about what you have been doing.
I would also get tested for STIs and give your husband the opportunity to do the same. You have put his health at risk.
If your marriage isn't working, and yes, intimacy is part of the package, I would let him go. He deserves to be in a monogamous relationship where someone is 100% committed to him.
I watched the hurt mom went through when she found out that dad had an affair. She is still recovering, 15 years later. They divorced about a year after he told her about the affair.
Not sure why you are posting annoymously on an online forum, because I think you already know the answer. You've broken your marriage vows, and I'm just going to be blunt and harsh and say.... there is no point in you being married to him and he does not deserve this.
I am tested regularly and always use protection. I can't tell him, he loves me soooo much and so do I. It will be over and we are trying for a lil one right now. I can't break his heart. But the flip side is how long can this lie continue?
I agree with what others are saying. You need to tell your husband, and I wouldn't expect your marriage to last if you've been cheating on him for the past 8 years. For me, that would be impossible to forgive. Intimacy is part of a marriage.
Even if you stopped right now and never cheated again (which I don't see happening, as you said you already tried to stop), your entire relationship would still be based on a lie.
I agree- come clean ASAP. I know that you say you love him and he means the world to you, but I have to assume that deep down you don't really mean that. You were dating him for a long time and it sounds like had a lot of relationships with other men during that time, yet never came clean. Think about the risk to his health you pose in partaking in these types of risky behaviors! Moreover, you married him regardless of the fact that you were still partaking in extra relationship affairs.
It sounds like this relationship is anything but healthy. Love is open communication and understanding. If you had been open and come to the agreement that you could have an open relationship, this would be a different story. You have been lying for a very long time and it is simply not fair to your husband.
EDIT: to say that it would kill him to tell him the truth is probably true- but it sounds like you are more worried about how it will affect your life. And PLEASE do not bring a child into this mess that you have created! that would be a terrible mistake
OMG!
You will get caught one day and that will be more painfull for your hubby.
Come clean, its the best for him.
You cant really love him, if your prepared to do this to him for 8yrs+!!!
I wish you well and hope you sort it, but you really must tell him the truth. xx
you have already broken his heart-he just doesnt know it yet. You are in no way being fair,you say you love your nusband but you dont want to tell him,and want to continue these flings. Telling him will be the hardest thing you do,but you get away lightly;him being told will be even harder.
Tell him and show him respect for the first time
You need to tell him I could never imagine being with someone for 8 years and cheating on him? I dont see how you could marry him when you were cheating on him for the whole relationship... I think that is unforgiveable and that he deserves alot better...
Cheating is one of the worst things you could do in my opionon and the fact that you are also trying for a baby sickens me dont bring a child into your already screwed up realationship....
To touch on what others said, it sounds like your relationship is not in a healthy place right now. That being said, it's the two of you, and though it's very likely your husband would be hurt about finding out about your infidelity, you would only be negatively affecting ONE person.
That being said, I strongly encourage you to not work towards having a baby until you have honest resolution with your husband (or decide that the relationship is best to end). It isn't fair to a child to be brought into an unhealthy and unhappy relationship. Children are perceptive and pick up on subtle disagreements/anger/upset feelings. Being raised in an environment with parents who are not on the same page and have that underlying anger can have an impact on a child, which I don't think you want.
I'd strongly encourage you to leave these challenges to the two of you until both of you deicde TOGETHER (not you deciding on your own) how to move forward. It isn't fair to bring an innocent child into this situation.
@now6ivedoneit: You say you love him, but you cannot be honest with him. Honey, that's not love. Lieing to a person, and saying you love them is the cruelest thing you could ever do. Also, what are you getting out of the marriage by staying married to him? Does he provide a well rounded paycheck?
I don't want to be mean, but if I come across as that, sorry. It's my being a woman who was cheated on more than once, I dislike this subject strongly and can relate to the people who are being cheated on.
Is this going to break him? For a while. Are you going to suffer for it as far as your social click goes, oh you better believe it, and it sounds like it's well deserved. Also some men are really horrible in bed, but the great thing is, you can be the teacher. It can be a bit of a game, if you want to even try.
I think for the sake of the poor man that believed he had married an honest, wholesome woman, he needs to be told the truth and move on.
STOP.
JUST STOP making excuses for yourself. You claim to love him too much to hurt him, but you have been hurting him for EIGHT YEARS. He deserves to know the truth. You trying for a baby without being honest with him is selfish, and it is only going to make things more complicated when the truth finally comes out.
Since you don't feel intimate with your husband, what you have is a friend (albeit one you are not very honest with). If you want to tell him with the aid of a counselor, I think that would be wise, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, TELL YOUR FREAKING HUSBAND!
@now6ivedoneit: please please do not involve a child in this right now- that would be insane- its absolutely insane and selfish for you to want to continue this relationship when the foundation of it is a pack of lies you have told this poor guy. Dont you think he deserves a better marriage? Doesnt he deserve to be happy with someone who doesnt lie to him all the time?- This is ridiculous, I cant believe you would want to bring a child into this situation, and actually stay with your husband...and Im assuming you will probably justify your lying to him and never telling him as well. I feel so sorry for your husband, and honestly he deserves so much more.
WOW... please do him a favor and leav him. You can find ur real soulmate that you wont cheat on , but for now do the right thing and just tell him you guys have different needs. good luck.
@now6ivedoneit: um, I would say the flip side is more like, how would you like it if he'd been doing this to you?
This has got to be a troll post. No-one in their right mind would cheat on someone for 8 years, refuse to come clean and WILLINGLY try to have a child.
@UpstateCait: I try to give benefit of the doubt but I was thinking the same thing. I've got to say, I know everyone's different, but if I made a back-up anonymous acct, it wouldn't be specified to the problem..in case I wanted to use it for another "secret" questions. that always strikes me as suspicious.
@UpstateCait: And that's why I flagged it w/o even bothering to comment. Hate it for her if this is real and she's not a troll, but c'mon, seriously.
@UpstateCait: i sure hope so. the profile fits though, so they would have to make it just for this post. either way this post is pissing me off
@sorrycharlie, @Wonderwoman217: & @hellopurple:Lets just hope that we're right because if we're not, thats like a whole new level of dysfunction.
I am sorry that your marital life is in doldrums. From the contents of your post, I gather that you are deeply distured by your actions. The choices you made seem to be unsactioned by your husband (unless you have a prior agreement with him). Your choices indicates dissatisfaction (and lack of) both emotional and physical bonding with your husband. Itimacy in a marriage is ingrained in trust. And love cements mutual trust in a marital union. You claim unflailing love for your husband. However, infidelity is not a vision of love and trust.
If you are stuggling with comprehending the gravity of the situation, please consider meeting with a therapist, prior to disclosing details to your husband, to discuss your issues for being unfaithful. Under the veil of infidelitylies ululating unhappiness within yourself. You owe it yourself and to your spouse to introspect your behavioral choices. I urge you to reconsider having children prior to disclosing the truth to your husband. Having a child will not miraculously ameliorate If both parties are agreeable, there is a possibility that your marriage will survive this storm. You may also need to undergo marriage counseling if you and your husband are dedicated to making this relationship work. It is incredible what a relationship can endure! EDIT: People make grave mistakes but sometimes life permits second chances; but there are no guarantees. As an adult, you are ultimately responsible for your actions. I wish you luck in your journey.
Not a troll post. I did this fling last night and prior to that it had been since October(1 time) and before that, September (1 time) and before that the Spetember of 2009. 2009 was kind of a bad year, i cheated probley 4 times that year. I know it is terrible, but its not like its every day or weekly or even monthly, its just when i get the itch. I know its horrible.
@MOHme: I don't necessarilly agree that the OP feels distrubed by her actions. I actually didn't get that vibe from her post at all. I also have to disagree with "People make grave mistakes but life permits second chances.
...continued from my last post (it was eaten!).
I also have to disagree with "People make grave mistakes but life permits second chances." in the OPs case. Cheating on ones husband for 8 years is hardly a mistake. It's more like a punch in the face of disrespect.
Your husband looooves you so much but you aren't the person he thinks you are. If you were honest and he got a glimpse of who you really are, he would run. I'm guessing that's why you are not going to come clean. You know you will lose this lifestyle.
I hope he find out about it soon. Life is to short for someone to be married to someone with a double life.
Also, you may think you are being safe, but HPV and herpes can spread with no signs while you're intimate, and cause permanent issues for both of you. Also, some STIs take a few weeks before they show up during testing, HIV can take a few months. Hep B is a much bigger risk than HPV.
The high volume of these types of posts from "annonymous" users lately really makes me think that they are all trolls. Don't feed them....
It is not the number of times you have committed infidelity. You may love your husband. But it is not based on a healthy foundation wherein lust overcomes love. Being emotionally or physically unfaithful to your spouse is injustice to their soul. He is an unwitting victim of acts that do not define the vows professed when sealing a marriage.
Also, my previous post has muddled sentences - some of them are disjoined. I urge you to reconsider having children prior to disclosing the truth to your husband. Having a child will not miraculously ameliorate your life and marriage.
@now6ivedoneit: I have to be brutally honest here...if this is a legitimate post, then I'm truly disgusted. Don't insult us by saying that you love your husband--because you don't, simple as that. And after all the years of cheating, NOW you want advice? Bottom line, women like you never stop cheating, and it's so sad that you'll never get to experience a true loving relationship without ruining it. That's all I've got for you.
loving someone means you would never intentionally do something that would hurt them. you might think you love your husband, but if you really did you would never be this dishonest and disrespectful to him repeatedly. i think you came on here hoping to get some sympathy, and your original post made it sound like you want to blame your husband for your infidelity (by saying he isn't good in bed, etc) and you wanted to get some support for that. but, in total honesty, you're just being completely selfish, and your husband deserves better.
If this post is legit, get yourself to sex addicts anonymous immediately. You have serious issues that need to be dealt with.
You must be getting some reward from this behavior, however fleeting it might be. And that reward is more than just a great orgasm. It speaks to a lack of self-esteem.
I'm going to be honest by saying what you are doing is not right at all; however, I am not going to beat you down in my reply. I do not agree with what you are doing. You may love your husband, but clearly you are not "in love" with him. There is obvioulsy something missing in your relationship. Did you ever talk to him about what was missing? I mean honestly talk to him. I am asking because you stated that you have cheated your whole relationship. Did you tell him when you said yes to marrying him, that you felt something was missing? And if you knew then that something was missing you should have said no so you both could find "the one." Marrying him was not the proper thing to do if you were not being honest with him from the beginning. Don't start thinking of his feelings now, because if you honestly thought of his feelings from the beginning you would have been honest with him. You said he loves you sooo much, but that is not true. He loves the person he thinks you are...and that is an honest faithful wife.
And a baby is not going to change anything. Don't bring a baby into an already broken world. It will only make things more difficult. Do you think a baby will keep him from leaving you? Because it won't. He will resent you even more. What are you going to do if you get pregnant by another man? Would you be honest with your husband then? It would be sooooo hard on a baby. I am speaking from experience from growing up in a broken home and one in which my parents did not get along. Don't do that to an innocent child.
I think you need to tell him. It is going to be the hardest thing you have to do, but if you do love him, you will let him go. It's best for him. He doesn't deserve to be lied to. You know that! Deep down in your heart you know that he deserves better. And you wouldn't have asked for advice if you didn't. It's time to cut the tie. I don't think he will be able to forgive you, because this has been ongoing for the whole relationship. The bottom line is you have to come clean. You have to be honest finally. He deserves that and he deserves to move on with his life and find someone to love him back.
Get a divorce. You are not taking your marriage seriously, obviously... And he deserves better.
This has to be a troll. I wish these stupid jerks would get off weddingbee, they're making it hard for people to get and give advice.
You don't deserve him. Also, any future children do not deserve to be in this sort of situation. You'll never change. It's damn clear that you don't care to after all of these years. Seriously, get over yourself.
He deserves to be with someone WAY better than you, I feel so sorry for him! And trying for a child? I feel sorry for your future child aswell! How can you do this to someone? You are slowly killing him, and yourself. It's one thing to cheat on someone once but eight years?? You have sunk farther than rock bottom.
You better tell him everything and I hope he divorces your ass...
I hope your happy
OK, I will be the lone voice of dissent and say I understand completely. It is possible to dearly love your spouse and not be satisified sexually. Lust and love are NOT the same thing and I know because I married my second husband for LUST (I did think I was in love though).And quite frankly, if you were a man being intimate with other women because your wife didn't satisfy you, I doubt you would be taken to task for it by other men!
I will agree that it is probably a good idea to get checked for STDs and go for counseling. Personally, I see no need to "come clean" with your husband unless you feel like it is time to. Why destroy the man's ego and open up a whole can of nasty worms.
However, do keep in mind -
play those games
take those risks
pay those prices.
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