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Does your fiance know how much this means to you? Money or no money, I'm surprised you've been engaged a year and he's put so little effort into making marriage happen... most guys would be anxious to get married or at least set a date, too!
edit: Also, I feel you shouldn't have to make any excuse to his family at all. It's a shame yours is not excited for you. I just don't think you should have to make excuses if it's really his family.
Honestly, if my FI acted this way for a whole year I would be done. IMO and I know not everyone thinks this, engagement is the beginning of actively planning a wedding. If you're not working towards a wedding then you are not engaged. It sounds like he's not ready to be engaged. Like MisssPumpkinBarry said, have you told him how much it means to you? Maybe you need to communicate your desires more.
First, I'm really sorry you're dealing with all this frustration. Your feelings are definitely warrented.
Second, what's going on with him? There's got to be something deeper. My only advice would be to have a heart-to-heart with him about it. Take away anything that might distract him and ask him point blank. Tell him clearly how you're feeling and see what he says. Maybe it's cold feet. Maybe he's embarrassed that he can't give you a big wedding. Whatever it is, you guys need to get on the same page.
I'm pretty sure he knows it's important. For example, he'll say "Oh, I did the math, and if we put x dollars aside every month for x months, we'll have enough for a solid down payment on a house" and I'll say "That's great! We can start that as soon as we're married, so just let me know when that happens!"
He knows I won't buy a house until we're married, so I don't understand why he can't be bothered to do the math for our itsy-bitsy wedding the same way.
As for his family- He's the baby of the family (He's in his later 20's) and they don't care what we do, so long as we do it. I think they're just curious, but I agree that he needs to step it up and explain himself.
Yeah, I hate it that my parents aren't too happy for me, but I think they're starting to come around. I mean, I've been entirely independant from them for 2+ years, I pay for my own tuition, rent, car repairs etc and FI and have lived together for the majority of that time, so both of my perents are finally beginning to take us seriously, I think. I'm my Dad's only child, so while I'm sure he's hesitant now, I'd really love to be able to ask him to be there for me when I get married. I think he'll be happy when the time comes.
That's how I feel. I don't mind a long engagement, but I intended to at least work on setting a date sometime soon when I said yes. Even if the date was two years away, or when we graduated, or whatever. When I explained that, he was like "Oh, well I didn't know you felt like that". I'm wondering what else I could be thinking when someone asks me to marry them.
I think so too. I just feel like the "I'm a man, and thus have to hate weddings" thing can only go so far before there is something else involved. It's just like, every time I bring it up, he gets touchy. Not looking forward to the conversation.
make the decisions, and put it all together so he can visualize everything. let him see how much it means to you. he will love seeing you get so excited, and then hopefully give you more opinions! good luck!
I would def. make some decisions if I were you. Let him know how much this means to you and see if you can get him in on your excitement!
How old is he? Guys are typically about 2 years behind girls maturity wise, and he just might not be there yet as far as marriage and understanding how important this is to you. You said you were 21 when you got engaged, is he as young as you? Girls are ready for this stuff sooner, and he seems as though he loves you, wants to commit to you, but just might not quite be there as far as understanding what a wedding is about and the importance. Can you wait a few more years?
I think you need to sit down with him and have a long talk about what you want, what you expect from him during this process, and set a timeline based on your schedules. Being in school, you undoubtably have a lot going on, but you need to be up front with him about what you want/need, and go from there. Maybe it'll come out that you need to wait a few more years, or maybe he's holding back for some other reason entirely.
My friend (jokingly) says I should create a 'wedding flowchart' of acceptable solutions and just let him go through that. I'm tempted to do it!
He's going on 28. I think he just doesn't have much experience with long-term relationships, and is sort of... oblivious. He probably doesn't realize that no matter what we do, it's going to require effort.
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i'm a long time lurker who needs some advice.
My fiance and I have been together for 2 years, and engaged for 1. When he proposed, it was nothing too special. I was sort of expecting it, because he kept asking me "Would you marry me if I asked you to?" to which I'd always reply "I don't know... are you asking me?". He'd always say no, and we'd carry on. Well, last Thanksgiving, we got into a bad car wreck and were pretty lucky to walk out of it relatively unscathed. The next night, we were laying in bed talking about it, and he asked me about marriage again. He told me he was serious, we cried, yada yada. By Christmas, his dad (an ex-jewler) had given him a ring to give to me.
I wasn't excited to tell my parents. FI had to really push me to do it, and in the end they... were not happy. They've both been married several times, and are pretty jaded about the whole thing. They think I'm too young (granted, I'm 21), will immediately get pregnant, and insist that marriage never works out, so why bother? It was a downer. Oh well.
Fast forward a year. FI and I have made virtually no progress on planning the wedding. I really wanted to settle into engagement before I even brought it up, but I'm thinking a year wasn't long enough for him. He doesn't want to talk about it. If he talks about it at all, his ideas flip flop from day to day.
We're students, so I know we can't afford a big ordeal. I'd really love, a small (close friends and family) celebration that resembles a garden party more than a wedding. I'm crafty, my best friend is willing to custom make my dress as a wedding gift, another is willing to gift me his photography skills, and I've basically figured out two or three ways to make this happen for a good bit under 3K- which I'm willing to pay for by myself.
FI doesn't want anyone at the ceremony (okay... fine), no photos (...really?... no.), doesn't want our parents to have to meet (two VERY different families... but still...we're getting married), and says everything is a waste of money/effort. However, he wants a big reception... which, he's not understanding IS the part that is all the money/effort. That's literally all I can get out of him.
I know men don't care about weddings, but I'd like to do just a tiny bit more than go to the courthouse, eat McDonalds, and play video games.
Do I just tell him I'm giving up on us getting married? It's so embarrassing to tell his parents- "Oh, I don't know when we're getting married. Your son doesn't care. Oh, no we can't elope either, 'cause that costs too much according to him"
SO FED UP. What should I do?!