I've only ever had sex with my SO….. Worried about a lifetime of boring sex?

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

When I was much younger I wondered what it would be like with other people too. I broke up with my boyfriend and found sex was pretty much exactly the same with the other people I dated. I think good sex is about knowing yourself and communication! I am so thankful that five years later my first boyfriend took me back and now we’re married. The other guys were nothing compared to him and I wish I had never been with anyone but him. If your boyfriend is a wonderful person, don’t let him go, that’s hard to come by. I still don’t orgasm during sex but who cares? He does it manually for me and it feels great. Now we have a baby and that’s the last thing I ever think about! 

Post # 3
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Statistically, not many women can orgasm through intercourse. Manual/oral stimulation is much more common. Also, don’t give up your BF over this!!! Great sex can be had if open communication happens. When you fantasize about “mind-blowing” sex, what makes it so incredible? Variety of positions? Maybe play around with some Kama sutra. Spontaneity? Ask him how he would feel if you approached him when he gets home for work or wake him up in the morning with a “surprise”. One of the great things about being in a long-term relationship is hopefully the groundwork of communication and trust is established so you can talk about it. I don’t think you need to say that you’ve always thought your sex life has been boring, just say you’ve been thinking about ways to spice it up and you want to try some new things. 

Post # 4
Member
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Definitely echoing PPs by saying that not all women (only around 1/3) can always orgasm through penetration alone.  It does not mean the sex is bad or that there is something wrong with you.  However, if you want to try spicing things up, just talk to him about it!  You should be comfortable enough to have conversations about what you want- try some new positions, go to a sex toy shop together and pick up some fun things, or maybe try some role play or something.  Find ways to make the sex new, don’t find a new guy.  😉

 

Post # 5
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

hellohowareyou:  A good sex life doesn’t happen- you make it happen! So you’re bored? I know this is cheesy but just start by reading Cosmo or something. Or as PPs said, start communicating more. Don’t be afraid to say what you want, try new things, experiment. It can be really playful and intimate together. Let your imaginations roam together. He might have some ideas too and just not know how open you are!

Also, our bodies change over time- it can be challenging but also creates new opportunities to do things differently, so don’t worry, your sex life won’t be the same forever. 

Post # 6
Member
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you should try to work it out since everything else is so good. I think you need to be a bit more proactive and communicate with him about your sex life.

Are there specific things you want? Or, do you want to just experiment with a few different things? Maybe you could each think of two things that you’d like to try. Does he touch you the right way or does he need a bit of guidance? It might not even be a huge change that’s necessary, for example, I love when my SO holds my head in his hands. Weird, right? Well naturally I told him that’s a turn on for me, and now he does it all the time. Presto! 

Your SO might be feeling the same way that you do, you should enjoy this discovery together. These things can be hard to talk about at first, but if you’re building a life together you should be able to be open. Many women cannot orgasm through intercourse, but you should be able to have fabulous sex no matter what. 

You know what they say, practice makes perfect 😉 

Post # 7
Member
5192 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

hellohowareyou:  A few thoughts:<br /><br />

“I’ve never really had an orgasm via intercourse.”  That is completely normal.  Most women will never have an orgasm via intercourse, only via clittoral stimulation.  Some lucky ladies seem to be wired differently, and it’s something you can explore and try to learn more about, but don’t make it a big focus.

“I feel like I have just been waiting for our sex life to get more exciting on its own” While being with other partners would allow you to be exposed to new things, there is no reason your sex life cannot get more exciting within your current relationship.  Some of this may evolve over time naturally, but you may have to put some effort into it by opening up the discussion and researching & trying new things.  Have a chat with your SO about fantasies, or pick up a book on sex for ideas.

“I can’t stop myself from wondering if there is a man out there who would be my perfect match in bed and knows how to press all my orgasm buttons” As far as I can tell that man is not born, he is made.  Basically, you can teach a willing partner to become that man by communication, experimentation, and practice.  I could be wrong, but I highly doubt you would ever find a man who would just know what to do to make you cum right from your first sexual encounter.  Maybe I’m just a complicated beast, but I don’t think women are wired that way.

“But on the other hand, even IF there is a sex god out there for me, there are no guarantees that he would be as great for me OUTSIDE of the bedroom as my SO currently is.”  FACT.  This is critical.  You should have chemistry with your partner in the bedroom, but you are looking for a balance in a life partner – so much more than sexual compatibility.  If you have no chemistry, that’s a problem.  If you have some and can build more, that’s great.  

“if we had a great sex life, then our relationship would be so perfect.”  No relationship is perfect.  No person is perfect.  If you had a better sex life no doubt your relationship would be even better, but never expect a relationship or another human to be perfect.

My experience:

I’ve been with a small number of men and sex with my DH is the best I’ve had, but it’s not because he’s some amazing sex god.  It’s because we are fundamentally sexually compatible (are turned on by similar things, have a roughly similar sex drive), he is a giving lover who makes an effort for me, and we have been together for a long time and have learned what the other is into and what feels good for them.  Over our years together our sex has improved a lot as we’ve experimented and learned & communicated our own prefrences.

I could be wrong – I haven’t been with many guys!  But I think that what I’ve expressed is pretty realistic.

Post # 8
Member
564 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

hellohowareyou:  

It’s pretty standard that MOST women do not reach orgasm through intercourse alone and they require oral or manual stimulation to reach orgasm. This is because your clitoris is (thankfully) not located in your vagina- and most women require direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm. This doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, or your guy.

If he’s giving in (and out) of the bedroom- I don’t see any problems with this relationship. So- work on that sex life!

What you can do to improve your sex life: share your fantasies with each other and consider acting them out, bring toys into the bedroom with the two of you, take “turns” with giving the other person pleasure, get a sex book and try out some new things. I certainly hope p in v intercourse is not all you do.

If you want to achieve orgasm during intercourse try adding clitoral stimulation (with his hand, your hand, or a vibrator).

Post # 10
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

You need to sit down with your husband and have a very serious, very hard conversation with him where you now have to tell him that sex isn’t as great as you’ve always made it out to be. I bet he doesn’t know that you think that it’s just ‘fine’. 

But first, you need to figure out what you actually want in the bedroom so that you can communicate that too him. Read some erotic fiction to see what gets you going. 

Do you explore your own body much? If not, start. If you do, then show him what you do for yourself and get him involved in that. Sex is all about teaching and learning and being willing to swallow your pride (both of you) and accept that you won’t be amazing the first time or the first dozen times, especially if you’ve been fakely enthusiastic at times. He needs to relearn you and your body.

You can also always see a sex therapist together who will help, you better communicate about what you want, what you don’t want and what you’d be willing to try. 

 

Post # 11
Member
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

My Fiance SUCKED in bed when we first met. We met online, talked for 8 months and then met in person and had sex the day we met, obviously. It was terrible but he was also only with 1 one women before me, his ex wife. She must have been bad in bed or not care because, damn. Anyway lol Myself, I consider to be very sexually experienced and knowledgable, it didnt take me long to get him on the right path and train him to be a good partner. We have great sex now and I love everything we do HOWEVER, he is NOT the best Ive ever had but it doesnt matter. 

Ive also never had an orgasm via intercourse or at all via gspot for that matter so dont even think that has anything to do with it. It doesnt.

If its not satisifying, then you need to say something. Just because you love someone in every other single way doesnt mean that the sexual chemistry will be there and if you cannot find a way to make it better, whether it be counselling, exploring your own body or trying new things together, then honestly its not a relationship I would recommend staying in. Chances are he may feel the same way about sex with you, even though you arent his first.

I honestly cant even imagine the idea of having only been with ONE person. Im 29 and the experience I have under my belt is a big part of who I am and also the reason I do have great sex with my Fiance now.

Dont be shy, communicate. Watch porn. Discover some fantasies and fetishes if you havent already. We all have them. Ask him what kinda stuff HE likes and would like to try. Nothing that has to do with sex should be kept a secret from your SO (unless its illegal or something with dogs lol)

Post # 12
Member
1209 posts
Bumble bee

I married my first and I always thought the sex was pretty good.

When we broke up, I was with guys who were far worse and a few that were a lot better. Thes ones who were better just seemed to communicate more, and I felt more open to communicate with them.

Everdeen:  This exactly! You have to know yourself to be able to tell/show him. Faking it is SUCH a bad idea.

Post # 13
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Sex shouldn’t be a reason to define your relationship especially if you see youself marrying this man and spending the rest of your life with him. 

There are many ways to spice up your sex life. Try new things!  Get kinky one night. Go the sex store together and look at some stuff that you or him might like and try that out. 

Or if you know yourself well enough on what you do like during sex, play a game with it.  Tell him what you like during sex, guide his hands, tell him where to go and say things like “don’t stop until I’m there”.  You could do this sexily and alluring one night about this or you could be dominant one night and tell him what to do and exactly how you like it. 

Do some phone sex one time and tell him what you would like to do to him or what you would like him to do to  you.  That could help give some insight on what you would like.

sometimes men like it when you take charge once in a while and they will honestly try their hardest to make sure you get to orgasm.  It’s a challenge and it’s a way to make guys’ ego boost up.

Or you can watch porn together and when something you like happens, say things like I’d like to try that or I think you should do that to me.

So many things you can do to benefit you.  Give it a try to help your sex life out!

I’ve been with my SO for 8 years now and we try to keep it as exciting as possible.  Not all the time but sometimes it’s good to give it a variety to keep the fire alive.

Hope that helps!!!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  lilwickedful.
Post # 14
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

On the other end of the spectrum, I feel like a freak of nature because I have multiple orgasms from both clitoral stimulation and intercourse. I also squirt. It is a lot of fun but it is also very exhausting. I also wonder if I am some kind of freak. I am sharing this to show you that we all have insecurities around sex…even if we enjoy it immensely.

Great sex starts with communication. Let your boyfriend know what you would like to try. If your partner is not receptive or interested in pleasing you, it will be very hard to have a good sex life with him.

Try masturbation. It is a great way to learn about your body and how it responds to sexual touch.

You don’t need to have lots of partners to enjoy sex. There is a possibility that you may always wonder what it is like to experience another man if you marry your boyfriend, but there is nothing wrong with being curious. I love my husband and we have a sublime sex life. I still get curious about what sex would be like with handsome strangers that I meet or sex with my favorite celebrity. 

Post # 15
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

With my ex i was for some reason never able to talk about it vecause he was just impoossible to have conversations about intimacy with.. We were togeter for 5!!! Years and no the sex was not fun. Not to mention he really had no idea what to do. but we were young.. With my FI we have sex conversations often, he understands it is not as easy for women (or at least me) as for men and there is nothing bad about thay. So sit down with him and talk to him or its really gonna cause some troubles in intimacy.. Sex should be fun and you should want it not just do it cause thats what couples do.. So sit down. if its hard to talk then maybe try yourself to spice it up a bit. Dont end like me who rather had a nice meal and series on tv than sex haha

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