Post # 1
So, I’ve got a bridal party of 7. My 3 sisters (we live in the south), 1 friend from high school (she lives in the midwest), 1 friend from college (she lives in the northeast), and my fiance’s 2 sisters S and R (who also live in the northeast). So, I made an appointment to go bridesmaid dress shopping with my sisters. We hardly ever hang out as just us girls since we’re all grown up and on our own. But we made a special girls day of it with my mom and found the dress. I sent out a mass text to my bridesmaids with a picture of my sister in the dress, gave them the style number and where to buy it, and told them which colors they could pick to wear it in.
A couple days later my fiance told me that his sister R was really upset that I didn’t tell her I was going shopping. It just didn’t cross my mind to notify people out of state of wedding planning stuff they can’t attend. So I reached out to her an apologized. I told her it was a huge oversight on my part and I would have felt the same way if I was her. I can be a very oblivious person and this is definitely one of those moments. R told me it was fine and not to worry about it. And gave me a long “Miss America” type speech about how its my day and she is blessed to be gaining a sister. It felt forced and trite to me. When I told my fiance that I had talked with R and that I was still concerned, he said I shouldn’t worry about it. He told me he talked with his other sister S about it and they both thought that R was over reacting. He said S’s perspective was “I mean yeah, you don’t just do what your fiance did, but R is being dramatic and I don’t care enough to make a big deal about it. I know R and I were only asked to be bridesmaids so that you can have more friends as groomsmen.” And so now I’m finding out that S is ALSO upset with me and feels put off but just doesn’t care enough to make a big deal about it.
I feel awful! One second I thought I had made an oblivious oversight that had upset one person…. the next I find out that there are not just one, but TWO people upset with me because “you just don’t do what [I] did.” My maid of honor (the college friend) told me not to worry about it, but I am! I don’t want my future SILs to feel put off. I want them to feel included and like they aren’t just “obligatory bridesmaids.” I don’t know what to do though. I feel like calling up S and apologizing to her too is sort of beating a dead horse, but there aren’t any other big wedding things left to plan or book that I could include them on. And our venue is pretty much all inclusive so there’s no DIY projects to ask for their help with.
I’m lost. I feel terrible and I’ve screwed up big time with my future family and I hate that. Any advice on what to do? Have you ever been a bridesmaid before? Did the bride let you know about the shopping before hand or did you just get the dress number and color randomly like I did?
This topic was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by SimTeam.
Post # 2
Ive been a bridesmaid in 2 weddings from across the country- one of them for my SIL. They told me the dress# and the color and I went to David’s bridal here in my state and ordered the dress- no big deal. They are being dumb.
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard
I think you should send them each a little gift and a letter saying how happy you are they are in the wedding, sorry you are and that you didn’t think they would travel that far, hence the oversight and then end with something happy/positive (positve, address the negative, end with a positive). At least try and smooth things over non-phone call to show you are trying.
Post # 4
In the two weddings I’ve been in, I went for the dress selection, as I lived in the area.
for one wedding, another Bridesmaid or Best Man lived out of state. She went to another David’s Brideal and tried stuff on “With” us. We sent pictures back and forth.
In both cases, dresses were not chosen before all BMs okayed them. Perhaps that was the problem here.
Post # 5
I don’t think you screwed up big time. I also don’t think you were obligated to notify your SILs about the shopping trip.
It might have been more polite if you had shared a picture of the bridesmaid dress that you liked with you SILs and asked if they are comfortable with the choice. They don’t have to love it or even like it, but if they hate it, then they should have an opportunity to say that. Texting a photo of a final decision dress that you picked out with only a subset of bridesmaids is rude. Everyone is body conscious in their own way and being told what to wear is a hard thing to swallow, even when you know that’s basically how it goes. You SILs should have had a chance to object, if they had a real objection, for whatever reason.
At this point, it’s done, there’s nothing that you can do but move forward.
Post # 6
SimTeam: All of you are overreacting. That’s a petty and miniscule (sp?) thing to be upset over. I’ve been a bridesmaid in 4 weddings and not once did I go bridesmaid dress shopping for any of them. Also, none of my bridesmaids went dress shopping with me, either.
Post # 7
Generally I think it’s courteous to at least ask their opinion before deciding on a dress. I was in one wedding where the bride did this and honestly I was a little put off, especially since she took her teeny tiny Bridesmaid or Best Man who of course looks lovely in everything. Are all your bridesmaids similar in shape/size?
Post # 8
Yeah, you should have run it past them, but it seems like they are on the hunt for reasons to be offended. I mean, really, this much drama and the accusations that you only asked them so your Fiance co und have more on his side? Don’t feel bad if you can’t appease these women. They sound hell bent on being offended by you.
Put on a good front and be courteous, try to include them more but don’t harbor hopes that they will appreciate it. Do it for your Fiance.
Post # 9
I went out to lunch with the two of them last time I went to visit. I told them I was going for long flowy purple dresses and they both died in ”oohs” and ”ahhs” saying that it sounded beautiful. And that they didn’t care what the dresses were but they were just so excited to a part of the wedding. I told them I didn’t want to make them get anything too expensive and they told me not to worry about the cost and just find something I liked.
And for reference, the dresses are Alfred Angelo’s modern vintage 8615L in deep purple and wisteria.<br />http://www.alfredangelo.com/Collections/Modern-Vintage-Bridesmaids/8615L/?pg=1
Post # 10
SimTeam: I’ve usually gone for all bridesmaids dress shopping experiences, except for my sisters wedding. We were living 3000 miles away from each other and the only reason I didn’t know they had gone was because I didn’t want to know about all the little bridesmaids things they were doing (I was feeling kind of blue that I was missing out on all of her wedding stuff as the other five bridesmaids lived in her state. A little immature, sure, but not knowing meant I never felt left out and sad I couldn’t be with my sisters).
Perhaps it’s not so much that they wanted to be there with you, but maybe they wanted to be a part of the selection process? If I was going to be in a wedding and the bride went without me to select the dress and there was no discussion, just “here’s the style number and the price” I’d be kind of put off, too. I understand it’s your wedding and your choice, but when it’s my body and my pocketbook, then we run into some problems. Perhaps that’s where it’s mostly coming from?
As for them feeling like they were only included as an afterthought, I don’t really know what you can do to make them feel better. I asked my FI’s sister out of duty, yes, but I also wanted her up there with me. It’s not that uncommon to ask FI’s siblings to be in your wedding. I would just file it away: You’ve already apologized to one sister, so consider it a blanket apology, especially since the other sister can’t be bothered to comment. From now on, maybe just include them in a few little things? Maybe create a Facebook page? I think you’re just going to find hurt feelings like this when it includes things directly effect them (such as the dress, etc.), but maybe if you have a platform where everyone is receiving the same updates then it will eliminate hurt feelings. I never just text one or two bridesmaids about something. I post everything in the Facebook group so everyone sees it at the same time. This has stopped any hurt feelings on my end.
Post # 11
I think they are over reacting. If they are out of state then it doesnt matter, it’s not like they were going to come with you to begin with. Just carry on and enjoy planning your wedding.
Post # 12
You’ve recognized you made a faux pas, you apologized. That is good enough on your part. If the sisters want to be snide about it, that is there problem. I would truly ask them if they feel that they are only “obligatory bridesmaids” and if the answer is yes, I would give them the option to drop out with no animosity. If they are just making a fuss to make a fuss, however, that should quiet them.
Post # 13
Both of his sisters have bodies that I would kill for. One played basketball at a D1 college and the other has done some modeling gigs. and the dress is very flattering on all body types.
Post # 14
Being told what the dress is going to be is still different that likimf the idea. You dress is long and flowy, it’s true, but there’a a very big difference between one shouldered vs straps vs strapless… Basically, a lot of options. The dress you posted was not the dress I pictured initially as long and flowy.
They are overreacting, but I still think they’re upset they didn’t get a say.
Post # 15
I think your FSILs are being lame and dramatic. You have the right to go dress shopping with whoever you want, and there are tons of legitimate reasons for not going shopping with the entire troop of bridesmaids. So you can either leave your apology as it is and stop feeding into the drama, or you can continue apologizing and sending gifts or whatever for simply living your life as you saw fit — but you’ll be setting the tone for a future relationship with your FSILs in which they know they can control and manipulate you by getting butthurt over stupid crap.