Post # 1
I have been on the waiting list for months and I read this forum regularly but haven’t posted hardly at all. My SO and I have been together for just over 6 years, living together for most of that time (BIG mistake because I think that’s most of the reason that I don’t have that ring on my finger). I first started nonchalantly bringing up the marriage topic about a year in when I got wedding fever because I was a Bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding. The talks went well back then but he definitely wanted to wait a bit. I realized it was too soon and that I probably just had the wedding fever so I let it go and we continued on happily. At about 3 years in I started to slowly become more anxious about it and began bringing it up more often. He reassured me that all was well and he did want to marry me someday but still wasn’t ready and just needed more time. He had various reasons that made sense and I would shut up about it for months before bringing it up again. Over the course of the last three years the subject started to become a sore one and would many times end in a fight. I became angry and resentful and he started to look like he was actually in physical pain whenever the topic came up. As of our last talks he still says he wants to marry me “SOMEDAY”. OK, well it’s been over 6 YEARS!! We are in our late 30s! (We don’t want kids, so that’s not an issue). But I always did want to be married and not when I’m 50! So…I think I just kind of gave up because I do love him and it doesn’t seem like he doesn’t want to be with me or doesn’t love me, it just seems like he got all comfortable and figures we don’t really have to get married and he’s fine with it never happening. Obviously though, some part of me must still have hope that he’ll just get that lightbulb over his head and decide to pop that question because here I am regularly reading in the waiting forum and I’m on the waiting list. (OK, I’ll admit it…I still look at rings, dresses, destination ideas, etc. I feel so pathetic) So what I’m wondering is do you think that being on here is just going to make me more sad/resentful and I should just deal with the fact that I happened to fall in love with someone who is totally fine with just being girlfriend/boyfriend (UGH!) for the rest of our lives. I guess what I’m trying to say is should I just REALLY give up and stop obsessing about it?? LOL Or should I keep hoping? I’m definitely not going to bring it up anymore though, because I don’t want him to end up giving me a ring just to shut me up. That would be worse in my opinion than not getting one at all. Thanks in advance for your opinions 🙂
Post # 3
to answer your question specifically, YES YOU DO BELONG HERE!! I thnk any girl who wants to be here and feels part of them would be happy here then they should!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for wanting a proposal and to be married.. And i honestly dont think that you should settle if it is really important to you! You love this man, and you have spent 6 years of your life with him and you need to do some soul searching now.. is he worth giving up your desire to be married?
I dont mean to sound negative AT ALL.. but you need to know exactly how YOU feel and then you need to talk to him. Tell him openly and honestly exactly how much it hurts you that this isnt in his plans after he lead you to believe it was.
Whether you feel you are waiting or not, we are always here for you on good days and bad. I truely hope he comes around and realizes what he’s got!
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
I think the thing you need to do is ask the next question… He wants to marry you “someday”… but what is he waiting for?
If he doesn’t feel ready, why not? Is there something he sees himself doing before he’ll be ready, or does he have concerns about what will happen after?
Not being ready is fine, but not being willing to talk about WHY he’s not ready isn’t. Instead of suffering in silence or giving up, communicate more! Talk to him about his feelings without putting added pressure by asking him WHY he feels that way, instead of why he hasn’t already asked.
Post # 6
Yes, you are welcome here….but balance that out with how you deal when you are surrounded by it. For some people, that calms them down, for others it makes them more frustrated/anxious.
Post # 7
In My Humble Opinion, Yup, you belong on the waiting list.
Post # 8
I think anyone is welcome in this community but I personally don’t understand the concept of “waiting” unless both people are on the same page and have a definitive plan in place– something like “he said he’s buying a ring so now I wonder when he’s going to ask?” I think if you aren’t actively talking marriage together, planning a future or whatnot, you shouldn’t be “waiting”, you should be working on your communication and ensuring that the relationship is right for you. I think you should decide if you’re comfortable not marrying this man, but staying with him, and enjoy your relationship without “waiting” for something better.
Post # 9
Girl, you are always welcome here on The Bee! Great people here and a wonderful place full of people who provide good support and its also fun for just hanging out.
But I feel for you that after 6 years he still has not popped the question. I guess at this point you need to decide if this is a compromise that you are willing to make. Taking into consideration that it may never happen or that you may have to wait another 3 years, I’ve seen bees on here wait 9 or 10 years for a proposal, so it is not impossible, the question is, is it worth it to you? Would you be happy never being married? Are you content to wait another 3 years for a proposal if that’s what it would take?
Good luck with everything, you deserve someone that wants to marry you, maybe this guy will eventually, maybe he is just stringing you along (I dont know the ins and outs of your relationship) but I hope that things work out for you and you end up happy with the results in the end! Good luck!
Post # 10
It took my Fiance a while to propose to me, even though he always said that he wanted to marry me. Just by chance I happened to be looking at engagement rings, when I made the casual remark that I would prefer a have a moissy rather than a diamond (I have various reasons). He took me out that next weekend and proposed.
It turns out that it was just a financial decision and that he didn’t want to go into debt getting a ring because he wanted to get us a house and a nice wedding (I don’t work…I’m spoiled). I am so grateful that he made that decision because now I have a new house and we are not going into debt paying for our wedding. Maybe your SO is just thinking that other things are more of a priority in your future together (house, vacations, investments, etc). I would just have a nice, honest talk with him and ask him why he feels that he wants to wait, but you must respect his wishes. Then decide if he is worth the wait. Good luck, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that your proposal is right around the corner.
Post # 11
Thank you all for making me feel like such a part of a supportive community, even though I’ve barely posted here (Warm Fuzzies)! I have asked myself that big soul-searching question…”If he never proposes and we never end up getting married, will that really be alright with me?” The answer is not so simple. HE is enough for me, but I think that I will always feel like I gave up something that was very important to me and I kind of know that I will always feel resentful towards him for that. That can be very damaging to a relationship. I don’t want to make him feel pressured. That leaves me with walking away. I can’t even imagine that! SIGH. I just wish he would have shown his commitment-phobic side to me more in the beginning so I would know what I was in for (and I say that because during our talks over the years the one thing that has stood out to me is that he’s expressed a lot of fear – fear of divorce, fear of things changing for the worse, financial fear, etc. I guess he thinks that “SOMEDAY” he will get over his fears) I’ve done all I can to alleviate those fears and I just don’t know what more to do. Anyway, thanks again for all of your comments! I think I will try to talk to him again at some point but I have to get my courage up first because now I have fear of “the talk” as much as he does! LOL
Post # 12
@Riley328: in previous relationships I have had moments where I said “wow, if I knew this when I started dating you, I would never have dated you!” …and I stuck it out in those relationships only to have it end later and me wondering why I didn’t stand up for myself earlier. I’m absolutely not saying your relationship is doomed (please don’t get me wrong) but I just TOTALLY know that feeling of “man, I wish I’d known this earlier.”
With my Darling Husband, I haven’t found anything like that. Sure he has some quirks and I learn new things about him all the time, but I have never thought “if this was our first date, I wouldn’t be calling you again.” (And I’ve definitely had that moment, more than a few times, with previous partners.)
If marriage is really important to you, make sure he knows that. If he’s totally against marriage, it might be a hard compromise to make, but if he’s just scared maybe some more communication could help him see how important it is to you and that he really can’t be living his life based on fear. You can figure out what can be done to get your relationship on more equal footing. (Because right now, he’s getting all he wants and you’re not fulfilled.) Yes, marriage is a big commitment and who knows what could happen– but I don’t stop driving my car because I might get in an accident out there?
Post # 13
I think you should be there if you want to be! Also, your empty ring box avatar makes me happy because its cute and sad because it is empty!
“At about 3 years in I started to slowly become more anxious about it and began bringing it up more often. He reassured me that all was well and he did want to marry me someday but still wasn’t ready and just needed more time. He had various reasons that made sense and I would shut up about it for months before bringing it up again. Over the course of the last three years the subject started to become a sore one and would many times end in a fight. I became angry and resentful and he started to look like he was actually in physical pain whenever the topic came up”
However, given the above, it does really sound like he’s not ready for marriage yet, so you shouldn’t hurt yourself by thinking he’ll just propose out of the blue. Ask him to give you a timeline that isn’t “someday” if there are money considerations, ask how much etc… but for now he seems to be pleading time. I hope it works out!
Post # 14
You may have done this already, but have you thought about and clearly expressed to him why it is so important to you to get married? I know that was an important step for my SO to know. It seems like one day he just magically woke up and realized that while being married isn’t the most important thing to him, he knows it is something I value highly, and he wants to make me happy. Don’t get me wrong, he is excited to spend our lives together, but when he realized that it was something I needed to have, he began taking steps to saving for a ring and asking me what I’d like it to be.
Post # 15
Stop talking to him about it. He’ll propose when he’s ready. You talking about it all the time isn’t going to make him ready.