Post # 1
Hi! I’m new here at weddingbee. I’ve read some other people’s post and would want you guys to give me some advice as well on my current dilemma.
IM 30 yrs old, my fiance is 29. Will be getting married next year. Our relationship has been awesome. Weve been together for 10 months now. He has been my dream come true, intelligent, kind, loving, totally sweet and caring, thoughtful. I couldnt ask for more except for the fact that I cannot accept his sexual past with his ex-girlfriend. Theyve been together for 5 years, she was his first love, literally first in everything. They were college sweethearts. Im insecure about this, that they were each other’s first love but his ex-gf left him. After his first love, he dated twice but those did not blossom into a relationship not until we met last year. We met through a common friend, and ever since we’ve been introduced, everything has been been wonderful for both of us. With this, how can I be able to avoid thinking of his sexual past? I get really hurt just thinking that what were doing now, they did before.all those intimate moments like making love etc… I sometimes even wonder if we make love, does he think about his ex. Though I know theyve been separated for almost 7 years now. I am thinking theres something wrong with me to even think of this considering he has been reassuring me that his ex has long been out of his life. That I am his life now. ive never been this intimate with my ex-boyfriend. I sometimes cant help but think if he compares me to his ex-gf. Considering I am not experienced in making love. Theyve been doing it for 5 yrs, and Im thinking if Im good enough, good in bed…. im simply paranoid about it. And I dont want to do the things they did with his ex. I told him I want new experiences so as not to remind him of anything. Im really having a hard time accepting his past. What should I do? I know he’s also hurt that Im hurt by his past. He says if he could only erase his past he would. But that cant be done. I know this is solely my responsibility, but I do not know how to go about this. PLease help…
Post # 2
I’m not really sure what to suggest, but you sound incredibly insecure. Maybe some therapy about why you feel so badly about yourself might help you get over the jealousy issues? I think you definitely need to find a way to move past this as it will eventually eat away at your relationship if you don’t. It must be exhausting for both of you.
Post # 3
I just wanted to say that I think it’s normal to be a little insecure about your FI’s previous love – after all she was clearly special to him if they lasted that long. The thing to remember is that EVERYONE’s ex has this kind of baggage – an ex childhood sweetheart, or wife, or 15 casual relationships. It’s never easy to deal with. But the important thing is this – his previous relationship HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! And if anything, isn’t it better to have fallen for a man who was faithful to a woman for 5 years than one who had many many casual flings? Also, consider the opposite scaenario – a man who has had NO girlfriends, and doesn’t know how to kiss, is fumbly in the bedroom etc.
Be thankful for the man he is today – which is a sum of all his previous experiences, including his ex-girlfriend. Be happy and enjoy today. It’s all any of us have.
You are in a relatively new relationship. 10 months is still kinda early days. It will definitely get better all on its own.
Post # 4
missanxious: You need some help to readjust your ways of thinking, therapy may help. Everytime something negative about her pops in to your head you need to stop yourself and think of something nice he’s said about you or to you instead. You need to rewire your brain to not think of her and not think of her in this negative way. Ex partners are very useful for helping people to realise when they find the right person because they know what it felt like to be with the wrong person/people.
Rather than thinking she was better than me because x, y and z… remember that he is marrying you becasue he loves you and loves what you can do and how you do it. He may have been with her for 5 years but he knew he wanted to marry you within 10 months!
Rather than limiting things the two of you do together becasue he did the same thing with her in the past, you should see it as making new and fresh memories of these things with his fiance/wife to replace the old faded memories of his ex girlfriend.
Post # 5
It is normal to be a little insecure, especially since he’s only had one meaningful relationship before you rather than a few (and thus maybe there is a direct A-B comparison you’re feeling). But that said, if this is really bothering you, do talk to a therapist about it. There is nothing shameful in it, and a professional therapist can help you deal with this most effectively.
Just try to remember that, as ne11y23 said, almost everyone has some baggage from previous relationships, and that in and of itself this does not affect the level of commitment involved in the current relationship. In fact, when I look back on my romantic past, I see how all those experiences informed me in a way nothing else could have, and how it helped me recognize a good thing when I saw it (namely, my FI). It’s an education of sorts.
Also remember that your FI is committed to you, loves you, and has chosen to be with you.
If he talks to her every day, then worry. But assuming he’s not super close with her still, try to relax and enjoy the fact that he’s been with her but knows a good thing when he sees it (YOU!) and wants to be with you, for the rest of his life.
Post # 6
missanxious: I hate the saying but “sometimes you just have to get over it”. I sympathise, I honestly do. I was not my dh first with anything until we got engaged. He was my first with everything. And yip sometimes it sucked and i tried comparing but i had to get over it. If I hadn’t teh comparing would have driven us apart.
There is a saying “You may not be his first but you will be his last”. That to me meant more than being his first. He chose me to spend the rest of his life with, he chose me to be the only person he would sleep with for the rest of his life etc. That was a comfort. Maybe try focus on that bit rather than not being the first.
Post # 7
I agree about talking to someone. It sounds as if your anxiety is interfering with your relationship. Unless I missed something, your SO hasn’t given you a reason not to trust him.
I suspect the ex gf isn’t the real issue here, there is some deeper source of your anxiety & I think you’ll need some help to work through that.
Post # 8
It’s normal to feel insecure about this. But you need to remember that YOU’RE special too. Your the only girl things worked out with after that relationship so there had to be something amazing about you. Plus, your engaged! He wants to marry you! Not Her. It’s been 7 years I would just try different things. Maybe some foreplay like dressing up in costumes? Things like that. Give him new experiences.
Post # 9
“He says if he could only erase his past he would. But that cant be done.”
This is an incredibly toxic way of thinking. Everyone has a right to a past. You need to stop shaming your fiance for his.
I highly recommend therapy. Your fiance has done nothing wrong, and the onus is on you to deal with your own insecurity. I would make an appointment ASAP, because this attitude will absolutely poison your relationship if you don’t change it.
Post # 10
it’s normal to feel insecure but i think you’re overdoing it. this is his past, he’s entitled to it just as much as you are. i highly suggest therapy because you can’t go into a marriage with a thousand insecurities.
Post # 11
missanxious: I am not sure if this will help you…but, before my DH and I were married, we both had a very active sexual past – with different people. At no point from the day I started sleeping with him, and I know him me, have we ever thought about anyone in our past. Being with him was, and is completly different. The experiences are completely different!! One of the things that make being with him amazing is OUR chemistry and passion, and the mutual love and respect we share. I never once have worried about if he shared those things with someone in his past, because although I know he did, US (him and I) are a completely different, and unique unit than him and someone else.
Just keep telling yourself that!
Post # 12
I had to get over my guys ex too- even though weve both had them. You just need to rememver that if it was a competition you WON the gold because you’re his fiancée soon to be his WIFE which trumps any measly gf ever. Just don’t dwell on the past- keep exes where they belong- outta sight and outta mind.
Post # 13
Someone’s past is their path to you. My FI often tells me that he loves hearing about my past (not graphic details, but that there were guys and they didn’t work out) because he loves knowing that all of them led to US.
By the same vein, I find it reassuring to know that we’ve both had sex before! We came into it knowing how sex worked and so when we have sex together, I KNOW he’s the one. I know that no one else has treated me the way he does during sex.
Post # 14
missanxious: honestly, i can somewhat identify with you, but you’re setting yourself up for a big time disaster if you don’t get over it. yep, tough love: get. over. it.
here’s the thing: you have a past too i assume, unless your FI is your first. if he’s not, then try to think of things from his point of view. would you want him worrying and festering over your ex boyfriends when you are sitting there knowing that it’s in the past and has nothing to do with your current relationship? probably not.
he didn’t date this girl while y’all were together, he had a relationship with someone and it didn’t last (and honestly, just because it lasted 5 years doesn’t mean it was the best thing in the world; i had a 3 year relationship w an abusive dickhead…meanwhile FI and i have only been together a little over 2 years. quantity =/= quality, just saying) and now he’s with you.
you can’t really be upset with him over something from the past that he experienced before he ever met you. and, honestly, while i think it’s fairly normal that you guys know about the existence of an ex or whatever…i don’t necessarily think it’s super healthy or a great idea to discuss sexual histories like this (excluding of course relevant information like a child or an std, etc.) because it breeds this kind of insecurity.
i think you need to focus on your current relationship (he picked you to be his gf and now his fiancee) and let the past settle. if you can’t get over this, i think you need to hold up on wedding planning, because it will be a lot easier to work it out and get married when you’re in a good place than to divorce over it in a year because you couldn’t drop it and he feels ashamed for having a girlfriend prior to you.
Post # 15
missanxious: If I thought about all the girls FI had sex with, I’d go crazy. All his ex-gfs are ballerinas (he’s a ballet dancer). He was even engaged to one of them, and that was the last relationship before I came along. Am I as slender and tall and flexible as them? Nope. I’m short, clumsy, and I can’t touch my toes.
Point is, if it’s a healthy relationship he isn’t going to expect or want you to be like his ex. Why are you wasting precious time worrying about her, when you could be planning your awesome wedding and future together?
And it really isn’t fair to make him feel guilty about it. Like he said he can’t help it so if you love him, leave it alone. It’s done and you’re in his life now. I know this sounds harsh but you’re a grown up. Don’t worry about if you’re good in bed, or worry about the things they did in bed with him. If you refuse to do what they did with him in bed, you could be missing out on some awesome sexy times, plus, you said so yourself that you are inexperienced. Let him show you a thing or two.
Bottom line, your insecurities will only put a strain on your relationship. Keep them in check before it gets out of hand.
He loves you.
He’s marrying you.
Take a deep breath, and get the hell over it! You’re making yourself crazy with anxiety for no reason.