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Personally, I think a concert is a liiittle date-like and I can see why your man is uncomfortable. He definitely needs to just man up an approach it in a more mature way though, maybe try talking to him to see why it bothers him.
My best friend is a guy and DH used to be weird about it and the engagement actually made him more comfortable, and he and my friend are friends now too. Guys do get weird or change how they see things when you become their wife. In my case my jealous boyfriend became my much less jealous husband, but I'm sure it could go either way.
If you had a big argument over him flirting with someone he may be worried that you're in revenge mode and are wanting to get back at him. If you have totally forgiven him just remind him of that and also that you've never given him a reason to be untrusting and that you don't want to jeopardize the trust you're both working so hard to get back.
See, I personally would flip shit on my boyfirend if it were me, but I have that type of relationship with my FI, he can go hang with his girl friends, and i can go hang with my boys and there is no issuse becasue we have full and complete trust in the other, and if something makes us uncomfortable, we talk through it and find out WHY it is bothering us.
this concerns me " Hell, a few weeks ago one of my male friends was in town for a conference, and he stayed at my house for the weekend and we went out clubbing and got drunk, just the two of us, and then he slept over at my house, on my couch. When I asked my boyfriend beforehand if all of these things were ok, he said he was fine with it because he fully trusted me."
What changed?? You don't go one day this is ok, and the next its not. It would be a red flag for me.
I can understand why he is upset. I guess I have been on his end of the story before. My FI was good friends with a girl from high school for a while. I was ok with it until she invited him to go to her sorority formal dinner. He said that she knew they were just friends and that the invitation was harmless although he had no plans of going. It was just weird to me because something like that you would probably take your boyfriend/girlfriend or a date to. I told him that I was uncomfortable because I felt as though she was taking their friendship a little too far. Turns out about a week after that we saw her out at a bar and she drunkenly came up and laid a big kiss on his cheek right in front of me. I ended their friendship right then and there. My FI is in no way upset at me and now COMPLETELY understands why I was uncomfortable with their friendship. He didn't realize she felt that way about him and to this day apologizes for the whole situation. I guess I think your boyfriend probably knows how some guys can be and doesn't want you to be in a situation that could jeopardize your relationship. Even if you think it's completely innocent, I understand why he may be uncomfortable.
Sorry if that was confusing. Just wanted to share my experience with a somewhat similar situation! I hope you guys work everything out :)
I don't see anything wrong with you going out with your friend. I do see something wrong with the way your partner is handling his jealousy - he needs to get a handle on it and at least be able to have a discussion with you about it, not send pissy little emails.
In my younger days I would have probably thought nothing of it but these days there is no way SO or I would go on something so close to a date alone with the opposite sex. Perhaps as engagement is getting closer for you guys your SO is feeling more this way as well. Maybe he sees you more of his future life partner these days and doesn't want to share anything close to "dating" with another guy? Sounds like you two need to talk it out for sure.
@DaisyDreamer: yeah maybe he is just thinking every day about our possibly upcoming greater committment to each other, and it changes how he feels about opposite sex friends. I'm certainly willing to listen to reason and even re-define our comfort zone for this type of thing, I just find it weird that this is coming out of nowhere.
Maybe, as another commenter said, he does think that I am in 'revenge mode' because of his prior indiscretion. This is definitely not the case and I don't think I have given him any indication that I haven't put that behind us. It's really not like him to be so pissy about stuff, I honestly almost LOL'd when I read his chat that I should 'give him my friend's girlfriend's contact info - no wait, he probably doesn't have a girlfriend - maybe his MOM's number and he'll take HER out to a concert and see how he likes that!!' bahaha... cmonnn... we had a wonderful night / morning together and everything was normal and now this childishness, out of nowhere!
Personally, I think it sounds a little inappropriate because it sounds date-like. I wouldn't like it if my bf did that. But I could just be old-fashioned and prudish that way. If it was a friend he rarely sees, I'd be more lenient. Everyone's got their own rules, but the clubbing thing w/your other friend feels more inappropriate than this. It seems like sort of a double standard after the incident w/swinger girl & ur guy. I know you're not doing anything wrong, and it's not exactly the same situation as the one I just mentioned, but considering you felt uncomfortable then, I think you should see his end of it a bit.
I will say, though, that his reasons for being upset are sort of weird. Just because the lyrics are sexual? Weird.
Could this specific guy be sexually threatening to your bf? I know my bf trusts me and isn't the jealous type, but once in a while a guy will come along that makes him bristle a bit.
@abirdword: I know, doesn't it seem like a stupid excuse?! He should just tell me the real reason that he's uncomfortable and know that I will understand...the more I think about it the more I agree that it doesn't really seem appropriate. I don't think I will go. Arg, now I am just so annoyed that my friend didn't think to get my boyfriend a ticket too and this whole dumb situation could have been avoided, I really wanna go to that show! Pout.
Everyone's relationships are different but this would NOT be okay in my relationship. We have never had any trust issues what so ever, nor any jealousy. I think it's just a mutual respect type thing...I don't hang out with male friends solo/alone and he doesn't hang out with female friends solo/alone. I just don't think that's very appropriate...?
I remember the post about the "incident" and how well you handled the situation! I'm glad to see you two are working things out. There's nothing inappropriate about going to a concet with your male friend in and of itself. I think his change of heart has a lot to do with his own guilt, perhaps fear of you seeking revenge. The lame excuse about the lyrics being "too sexual" is an obvious cop out.
I think if it makes him really uncomfortable, you shouldn't go. However, if you're going to be so considerate of his feelings, I think it's only fair he tell you the real reason he is against you going.
I have more male friends than female. there are no jealousies in our relationship.
We trust in my relationship. We don't need escorts if the opposite sex is near and we don't have different rules for friends with a penis it vagina lol. I guarantee you that he is feeling insecure over his slip with you mutual friend. Guilt does strange things like convincing you your girlfriend is going to get back at you with her guy friend at a concert ;)
I have to side with your boyfriend on this one, sorry :( He probably hasn't changed his mind, he's just probably never really been "ok" with the whole thing. He probably just didn't want to seem jealous or untrusting. I've said I feel "ok" with things that really bothered me, just because I felt like I would look like a jealous b*tch if I said I wasn't. I realize that hanging out one-on-one with friends of the opposite sex is totally cool in some relationships. This *does* sound like a date though. And I agree with your boyfriend on the sexual lyrics too. There was a thread just the other day about music that puts you "in the mood." I'll be honest, when I hear a song with sexual lyrics (some of them are ridiculous, but there are some out that are sexy) I get a bit turned on. The next thing you know, you two are dancing, grinding, etc. I'm not saying you'd do anything, only you could know that, but the possibility for something to happen is greater.
"are male friends less appropriate now because we are closer to engagement?"
I would say yes. Your SO didn't express his feelings in an appropriate manner. That is for sure. But, I understand where he is coming from. Married/engaged people don't behave exactly the same as single people. It really is a life change. I wouldn't say flat out that going to the concert is inappropriate but I think both of you should be mindful of what could be perceived as inappropriate, hurtful, disrespectful etc. by the other.
Its obvious that something has changed and you guys have gone through some pretty weird situations lately. Maybe what he was always OK with and never questioned before is being questioned.
I would try and have a proper discussion with him about this - even though I think he is handling this in quite an immature way, its obviously bothering him.
If he finds that you going to this concert is innapropriate, I think you have to respect his feelings.
I think he should have expressed his feelings in a more mature way, but if he's uncomfortable with you attending the concert and these are the parameters in your relationship, then you shouldn't go. (I wouldn't.)
However I'm sure there are relationships where this is okay. If you want your relationship to allow these sorts of things, then maybe you need to evaluate what you and your SO both feel are acceptable boundaries.
We talked about it last night, and he was adamant that it was the content / tone of the music that he thought was inappropriate, and not that he felt uncomfortable at all about my friend. Which I guess makes sense based on the fact that we talked about my plans at least 3 times and he was totally cool with it before he all of a sudden 'realized what it was and thought it was weird'. I dunno, I don't get it. We listen to so many different types of music, I didn't realize 'the music being too sexy' would ever be an issue. Anyways, he said I should go, so I'm going to go. He's never taken issue with me having mostly male friends and I don't see how this is overly different from any other time. I'll keep the music issue in mind in the future but I don't want to bail on my friend over this, it's kind of silly.
It sounds like while he may trust you but he isn't comfortable with what is going on. I think he needs to be honest with you. I trust my boyfriend but we don't hang out with the opposite sex unless were in public. Neither of us are jealous but it's just a line we choose to draw. Every couple if different though, and your SO needs to figure out what he is really comfortable with.
Sorry, I agree it's a little date like too. & I also agree with your thought.. Why didn't he get one for your SO? Does he have a SO? It's odd either way but i'd say if he's single maybe you are not admitting his true intentions. (been in that situation)
Also right now if your relationship is in a sore spot I wouldn't be creating uncomfortable situations while their is natural insecurities in the relationship is on the down side. Every relationship has its ups and downs & its how we love & support each other that builds it up in a good way.
One of my BF is also a guy. I handle this relationship delicately to ensure I never hurt the one I love the most.
My opinion Its not just sex that creates a relationship. Emotional relationships with men other than your SO is considered by some to be cheating.
Every relationship has its own rules. Only you two can work them out. This is just my 2cents from a 38 year old experienced girl!! : ). Good luck!!!! : ))
I'm all for having male friends and being independent amd trusting your partner, but like the others have posted, I think this crosses the line. I would be really upset if a female from from my boyfriend's past came to town and took my boyfriend to a concert. Unless it was a family member or unless he was going with a group of friends, I don't think I would feel comfortable with it. And honestly, maybe your boyfriend outwardly seems okay with this stuff, but men can also have a hard time expressing their emotions and maybe he doesn't want to look like the jealous boyfriend by saying things in the past. Maybe talk with him about this, ask him how he feels, ask him if the things you have done in the past really were okay with him. Some men probably legitimately don't care, but you never know. He could be harboring some resentment, especially if you have been having problems lately.
But good luck to you! Communication is always the key!
In our relationship, having close friends of the opposite sex is totally appropriate. My boyfriend was fine with it until he realized what concert it was, then he thought it was weird because it seemed like 'the kind of music you would make out to, not the kind of music you would party to'. This didn't even occur to me, mainly because music is such a central theme in most of my friendships (and in my relationship) and I have never really looked at ANY music in such a simplistic, silly (in my opinion) way. I didn't believe him at first that it was really the issue, because it just seemed really out of character for him, but he has convinced me that that's all it is. Could this perhaps be an age difference thing? I've never said that about anything in our relationship but I suppose there's a first time for everything...(he is older by about a decade and a half). I have accepted that 'sexiness level of music' is an issue for him, and I will consider it in the future. But I think we would all just feel silly if I ended up bailing on my friend over it, having to explain or cover for it. He's not 'a guy from my past', he is one of my close friends in an awesome friend group that consists of about 7 guys and 2 girls, all of my best friends, who I left when I moved to a city 6 hours away to close the distance with my boyfriend. I don't regret this decision AT ALL, but sometimes I miss my friends and when I get the opportunity to see them, I'm going to see them. I will definitely try to make sure my friends know that if they spontaneously buy tickets for me they should get one for him too. I think this was just a 'omg think fast who should I get a ticket for!' thing though, they sold out in 30 mins.
I'm not worried, he seems fine with everything, and he would tell me if he wasn't. I offered not to go and he said it would be silly to bail. I think we will be fine. Thank you soo much for all the comments! I appreciate the diversity of viewpoints.
I have guy friends, some single and some attached, and while hanging out with them is fine I think that there are lines that need to be drawn. I know that if my SO went to a club alone with a female friend, got drunk with her, and then let her crash at his house I would be furious! I'm pretty sure that if a bee here posted a situation like that we'd would all be telling her that was horrible and inappropriate, so to be honest i'm surprised more bees haven't said something about that.
I think that him being upset about thelyrics is kinda silly, I'd be surprised if there wasn't an underlying concern. It's possible for your FI to feel comfortable with some of your friends but not with others - if any of them are flirty it's obvious why, or he might just be insecure if some of them are better looking or more your type than others. Not saying it's an excuse, but it might be part of the reason behind his insecurity.
I would not be okay with this. You have every right to go to a concert with your friend and I don't really consider it to be date-like at all. I mean I go to concerts alone with girlfriends, too, is that also date-like? My FI used to be super jealous like that when we were first dating. One time I was hanging out in a guy friend's car who was actually my FI best friend and we were just waiting for my FI. After he got there and he and I left, he was like, so were you guys just making out or something? It was kind of like when Chandler on Friends walks up to his gf Cathy after her play and is like, "So clearly you're having SEX WITH HIM." haha I was like Uh, we were waiting for YOU. Please don't insult me, if I were going to cheat I would be more subtle. We laugh about that incident now, and we laughed even harder when our friend came out as being gay so clearly was not interested in me... But the key here is, we were 16 and 17 at the time. He grew out of that fairly quickly. I would be hesitant to get engaged before you can work out jealousy issues because they can really affect a relationship in a bad way. But that's not to say you can't work them out! Sometimes it just takes time to develop more trust. I would try to talk it over with him and work things out to a fair conclusion. I think this concert is a totally normal thing to do and you have every right to go, but you may want to compromise with the clubbing/sleeping over thing. Maybe that is what sparked the jealousy that led to this concert issue.
@Wonderstruck: I get that in a lot of cases that would be inappropriate, but re: the situation you're referring to - I asked my boyfriend in advance if it was ok that my friend stay at my place (instead of getting a hotel, he was in town for a conference). Nothing about our plans was a secret, and my boyfriend was invited to come out with us, but he wanted to hang out with some of his other friends. I suggested that he sleep over at my place too just to make sure he didn't find it weird, but he just said it was more convenient for him to stay at his own place that night, and it was no big deal, he trusts me. The reason I mentioned it at all was just to illustrate that, based on past precident, I had no reason to think that me going to a concert alone with a guy friend would be weird for him. Maybe it is this guy vs. other guys that he takes issue with (for the record, this guy is not single, and I am friends with his girlfriend). When we talked, I emphasized to my boyfriend that __ is NOT 'into me', and I am absolutely not into him! He said that was silly, there was no need for me to even say that, of couse he knows that. Is it a Gen X thing to have like .. make-out parties to sexy music or something? lolol I mean I have heard stories from my mom, of her generation, about 'love-ins' but I didn't think he was old enough for that to be a thing for him.
Giving in to his fit of controlling jealousy is a dangerous prescedent, especially because his method of communicating this to you was by making an empty threat to go do something with your friend's gf instead of saying to you, " This makes me uncomfortable."
Being close to engagement means there should be more trust and more contentedness with the level of commitment.
I think you ought get to the root of his jealousy. Honestly, the only times I've ever seen a guy suddenly become more jealous and less trusting... it was because HE had done something bad recently and he was projecting.
Def. sort this out before you say yes to marriage. My best friend is male. Over the years, FI has become close with him too. If, before we were engaged, FI said, "You can't hang out with Brian alone" then I would have dumped my now FI. That's actually why I broke up with my previous boyfriend who was insecure because he hadn't dated much before. Bros before jealous controlling boyfriends.
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Hi Bees, I need your help deciding what to do about something...
Tiny bit of history, the boyfriend and I are nearing engagement, he has the ring, he was planning to propose over Christmas but we had a big 'relationship incident' (go back in my posts if you wanna know) that made it not the right time. We're over the incident but now he is acting weird and more jealous than usual and I don't know why.
I have always had a lot of male friends, and my boyfriend has never expressed any discomfort with my spending time with them, even if it was just the two of us (me and male friend). He knows them all and likes them all. I thought everything was cool. But now one of my friends, who I was supposed to see when he was in town for the holidays but didn't get to because he was very busy with family stuff, is coming to town this weekend. He surprised me by buying me a concert ticket to see one of my favourite bands of the moment. I told my boyfriend a few days ago and he seemed fine with it. Now that I think about it, I don't know why the friend didn't try to get my boyfriend a ticket too. Maybe male friend meant to go with his girlfriend or another friend and they bailed and he suddenly had a free ticket? Not sure. The tickets are sold out now and I know of some people I could get tickets from but at this point they would be crazy expensive from scalpers. Anyway my boyfriend sent me a really random email today saying 'Hey why don't you get me the contact info for your friend's girlfriend and I'll go see a porn concert with her? Thanks!' Uhhhh.... WHAT? It's a rap show so some of the lyrics are pretty sexual. And my boyfriend claims that is the only reason he is pissed. That it's not appropriate for me to be at a concert with another guy BECAUSE THE LYRICS ARE SEXUAL. What? I mean if it's not okay all of a sudden for me to hang out with my male friends unescorted by my boyfriend.. ok that kind of sucks, but I guess I can live with it. But why would the nature of the lyrics make or break whether an outing with a friend is appropriate or not? I just feel like he's grasping at straws for a better reason than "I am uncomfortable with you going to a show with another guy." My boyfriend almost never hangs out with his female friends alone, and I guess if he did, I might be jealous. So, objectively, I can definitely see how this could be considered not OK. The real issue is just that this came out of nowhere. He had never been jealous like this before. He claims he's 'not jealous, because that would imply he didn't trust me. He just thinks it's inappropriate.'
I guess I'm leaning towards, maybe this is inappropriate and I shouldn't go... but I had no reason to expect that he would feel this way since he's always been fine with stuff like this before. Hell, a few weeks ago one of my male friends was in town for a conference, and he stayed at my house for the weekend and we went out clubbing and got drunk, just the two of us, and then he slept over at my house, on my couch. When I asked my boyfriend beforehand if all of these things were ok, he said he was fine with it because he fully trusted me.
So what the hell happened? Does he trust me less now because he did something that damaged my trust for him? (The 'incident' I was referring to - a mutual friend of ours hit on him over the internet and he (just barely, very briefly, until he smartened up and told her to piss off) was receptive to her advances). Or are male friends less appropriate now because we are closer to engagement? Arg. I didn't get mad at all, I just said I had been really looking forward to the concert but I would not go if it made him uncomfortable, but maybe we could talk about it tonight and come to an understanding...