Post # 1
I need to vent and get some opinions. I have Bridesmaid or Best Man I love to death and have known her for about 5 years when she pledged our sorority in college. She’s really sweet.
I got engaged on 4/11/10, and my mom died unexpectedly on 4/25/10. My fiance and I went to visit (1st time seeing her since engagement) and found her unconscious on the floor. EMS rushed her to ER. She had an aneurism (2nd one, had one when I was 3) and there was nothing they could do for her. The pronounced her dead, and we took her off life support. This was a Huge blow for me and my family. I have no siblings and my father is not in my life (even longer story). So needless to say the last few months have been very difficult for me. Well my friend/BM is very co-dependent. She judges her friendships on how much contact she has with the person so she feels like we should talk every day. If we don’t talk for a day or so, she sends me texts like “Hi this is (her name), remember me?”. I try to talk to her as much as I can, but every day is a lot. She calls me throughout the day at work, will email me and has gone so far as to pop up at my job (my job is laid back at times, but she still needs to call before coming by). When we talk it’s all about her, her problems, her life and what’s wrong with it. She especially likes to talk about her love life or lack there of. She doesn’t have a steady boyfriend and makes comments about it all the time. She also has made negative comments about commitment and marriage saying stuff like they all end in divorce. She also makes little comments or gestures when we are all hanging out together. She once took my FI’s hand off my back while he was rubbing it, it was supposed to be a joke, but we didn’t find it very funny. She says things like “I don’t have anyone to spend time with”, “Guys just don’t like me”, “I wish I had someone”. She also has some self-esteem issues especially when it comes to her short hair cuts (which she rocks so good) and her skin color. We are African American. I’m lighter than her, and she always makes comments about it.
Well, my conversations with her have just stressed me out. I’m dealing with the death of my mom, trying to take care of all the business that comes with someone dying, trying to plan a wedding which is super hard with mom not being here and then help her with her problems/issues. I get off the phone feeling so down and frustrated. She’s someone you have to be really careful with when talking to them about how they are acting. She gets really defensive and can be really sensitive. It has gotten so bad I didn’t even want her to be in the bridal party. I feel bad for this. What took the cake was one day she and my best friend of 19 years went on a day trip and on the trip she basically said she was jealous me and 2 of our other mutual friends. Mostly b/c we are “popular” (I’m almost 30 and could care less about being popular), we are pretty, light-skinned with nice hair and have great guys in our lives. She also said something kind of mean about me which my BFF told her she needed to talk to me if she had a problem. I can be very up-front/honest about things and it hurts her feelings when I do that. I know she’s had some jealousy issues, but it has gotten worse over the past year and especially since I got engaged. She told me a few weeks ago in a joking way that she needs to make some new friends since all of her friends are getting married. UGH! The drama!
I feel bad that I’m struggling so much with our friendship. I know right now I’m a little sensitive due to the death of my mom, so I want to make sure I’m not overreacting. I want her to be in the wedding, but I don’t want someone standing up there who is really not that happy for us. I’m also scared she’s going to pull something and make it about her which she did at my BFF’s wedding last year. My BFF spent a good bit of the reception asking her was she alright and “stroking her ego”. I’m going to talk to her. I needed to vent about it a little. What do you think and what would you do? Sorry it’s so long.
Post # 3
first off- i am so incredibly sorry about your mum. my heart goes out to you.
secondly, you need to talk to this girl. with everything you’ve got going on, you need as much support as possible, and regarldess of how defensive she is going to get, you need to nip this in the bud now. tell her you are sorry about her self esteem issues and her jealous feelings, but in all honesty, you need a solid friend right now, who can be supportive and a shoulder to lean on. touch upon the not being able to talk to her every day thing, and that doesn’t mean that you love her any less. then, i’d give her an out, saying that if she doesn’t think these are things she can do right now, maybe it is best that she simply attend as a guest.
Post # 4
come on bees, let’s show the OP some love!
Post # 5
BIG HUGS about your mom! That’s incredibly difficult to deal with at any point in your life, much less during an engagement.
Also, I think that you should talk to her about how you’re feeling. You know the whole when you do x, I feel y type thing. I really think that during such a difficult time she should be there for you. Friendship is a two-way street. If being friends with her causes you this much stress and heartache – perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate why y’all are friends?
Post # 6
I’m sorry about your mom. I would just talk to her and tell her how I feel. You have to be honest with her. If she keeps being jealous, then you have to learn how to love her from a distance. I know it’s hard to do because I’ve been dealing with it for a while myself.
She seems like a toxic friend to me. Someone who really cares about you wouldn’t talk about you behind your back and hate like that.
Post # 7
I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I hope that you are doing okay, and I encourage you to worry about dealing with that before you stress out about this “friend.”
But since you asked…
This “friend” is controlling. Being needy in the way that she is is just another way of being controlling without being overt–it’s the passive-aggressive way and it’s just as inappropriate and just as bullying.
Respectfully, because I know that you say that you love her, I nevertheless encourage you to disentangle yourself from this person. Friends do not make you feel like your happiness is somehow a burden on them. Friends do not drain energy from you. They don’t rope-a-dope you into boosting their self-worth all the time. And they certainly don’t demand a call from you every day–I don’t call ANYONE every day! If anything, this girl needs some therapy and if you want to be her friend, you can try to help her get it. If you do that, you at least need to send up boundaries, like “I’m not going to call you every day.” But in all honestly, just reading your post, she sounds damaged and damaged people are not people to hang your hopes with.
Post # 8
I’m so sorry about your mom. I hope you can find peace when all this madness is over!
Being a friend is a two-way street – you need to be there for your friend and she needs to be there for you. That is not happening in this situation and given the events in your life recently (and these are significant events, not “My boyfriend of a month and I broke up” kind of events), she is really not supporting you at all. I personally think she is being a little selfish and needs to back off a bit. You are right – talking every day is a LOT! I think you need to be open and honest with her as the other ladies suggested. Really consider why you are friends and if things do not improve, can you continue like this? It sounds like she is pulling you down a bit when you already have so much on your plate. You can decide what will be best for you and move on from there.
Best of luck with everything that is going on right now! Hugs 🙂
Post # 9
Sorry to hear of your loss – I couldn’t image how hard that would all be at the same time. Sending you love!
As far as the friend: I think you should talk to her and when she gets defensive ask her if she really wants to be friends because you feel she is not supporting you like she should. I don’t really have a good outlook on people changing. In my experiences they don’t – I would recommend taking a break from her for a while. Good luck with everything!
Post # 10
First of all OurWedding, I’m so incredibly sorry that you’ve had to go through such a horrible event. My thoughts are with you and your family.
I have to say I really agree with JennyW1…
Sometimes we need to reevaluate why we are friends with particular people. Your friend sounds like my old bff. We met in high school but grew steadily apart once we hit university, and finally went our separate ways a couple of years ago, after 14 years of friendship. She was very needy like your friend, calling me and texting me multiple times a day. It became too much. She would get upset when I’d have plans with my bf and couldn’t spend all my time with her.
In the end, I just started distancing myself from her. It was really really hard at first, but I felt SO much better once all the drama stopped in my life. I felt bad sometimes, but then I’d just remember the heartached she’d put me through, making me feel like a horrible person because she couldn’t control me anymore.
Just talk to your friend and let her know what you’re feeling, and if things don’t change then maybe ask her to step down? You don’t need this extra drama in your life. Ugh, it’s a tough situation. So sorry.
Post # 11
I am so sorry to hear about your mothers passing. My thoughts are with you at this time, stay strong.
I am African American and when I was reading your story the first thing I thought about was jealousy. Jealous cause you have a man, jealous because you are engaged, jealous because you are planning a wedding. She sounds jealous to me. When I was growing up I had 2 girlfriends who were light skinned, including myself, and one that was dark skinned. My dark skinned girlfriend would always complain about her having dark skinned, to the point where I told her I didn’t want to hear about her skin complexion any more and if she brought it up again around me I would ignore her. Black is beautiful anyway you wear it, let your gf know that. I know that is your sorority sister and you probably don’t want to cause tension but you need to have a serious talk with her about being a Bridesmaid or Best Man and supporting you through the wedding and especially your mothers passing.
Post # 12
I’m so very sorry about your mom.
You need all the love and support you can get right now, and you aren’t getting it from this girl, plain and simple. I have had a few co-dependent friends, and while they can be very nice people, they always end up being so much work.
The bottom line is that your friends should be a. happy for you that you’ve found someone to spend the rest of your life with and b. supportive and sympathetic to you while you’re grieving your mom.
In my opinion, she isn’t being much of a friend. As other posters have said, friendship is a two-way street. I would sit her down and talk about how you aren’t feeling supported and you think this wedding planning isn’t something she really enjoys – in short, kick her out of the bridal party, but kindly.
I know ditching a Bridesmaid or Best Man is frowned upon, but you are the bride and you’re dealing with a very traumatic loss as well. It isn’t rude to excuse someone from the bridal party for the way she’s been acting. Big hugs, I hope it all works out!
Post # 13
Thank you all so much for the support and advice!!! Over the past few months I’ve been reflecting on our relationship. I feel like I’ve spent so much time validating and encouraging her. She’s a beautiful girl, successful and can be a real sweetheart. I used to think she just needed a little confidence push, but I started realizing it was a lot deeper than that. I’ve even at times talked about counseling to her (she will say it first and then I encourage it), but she never follows it up. We both have a Masters degree in Counseling so we both know the benefits from it. I’m tired of excusing her behavior with the mentality “that just how (BM) is”. I think I have been avoiding the heart to heart with her b/c I know I’m already on edge with everything else. I didn’t want to blow things out of proportion. I’m going on a much needed vacation Saturday for a week, and I feel like I need to talk to her before I leave. I want to come back with a clear head and heart about the situation. I’ll update after I talk with her.