Jealous future in laws? What to do?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2456 posts
Buzzing bee

Maybe just going out with his mom like a girl thing , make mom feel more invited in your life even if hubbys not .?! Maybe idea.

Post # 3
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

iheartpeonies:  What is it exactly that they are expecting you to do? Not see your family as often? Come see them more often? Also, how is it that they know everytime you two spend time with your family? My FI doesn’t tell his parents every time we have dinner with someone. Honestly, I wouldn’t spend too much time worrying about this. It is not up to them to dictate how you spend your free time. If it bothers them that much, they can move back. 

Post # 4
Member
42490 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

iheartpeonies:  They are honest enough to put a name to their feelings- jealousy. I think that it is natural for them to be jealous of the time you get with your family. They are also likely thinking about the future- wedding planning, granchildren etc.

That doesn’t mean that this is your problem or that you have to do anything differently. Make sure you continue to visit as you are able, include them in invitations when there are activities happening where you live and keep them informed.

Make sure you do give them plenty of notice of events where you can, so they don’t end up in a situation where they were just in town last weekend and choose not to be out of town 2 weekends in a row. If they decline an invitation, remember it is their choice, not yours. They are fortunate that their son lives within a 3 hr drive.  Many families are separted by much greater time and distance.

Post # 6
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

iheartpeonies:  Maybe your Fi needs to just say to them ‘I am so sorry that you feel that way, we really enjoy spending time with you but it is difficult with you being so far away and the only reason we see ‘your family’ more is because they live closer so it is easier to pop round for an hour or two. Are there any things that you think we (as in you and him and them) can all do differently to make you feel more included?’ That puts the ball in their court as to how to help deal with their feelings but also expresses to them that you love them and it’s not a favourites thing but a logistics thing. 

Post # 7
Member
287 posts
Helper bee

 

Is this the first time they have ever mentioned this being an issue for them? If so, I won’t get too worked up over it. FMIL may have just been having a bad day and decided to vent a little bit, it may not actually bother her as much as she let on. I remember my Mom leaving me a very upsetting voicemail when I was in university, she was crying and complaining that I didn’t call her enough. I called her back and we talked through it, I don’t think anything really changed as far as how often we spoke on the phone but she never mentioned it again. She was probably just having a lonely day and get emotional when she dialed my number and I didn’t answer.

My advice, leave the matter alone for a while and see if it dies down. Maybe they will make more of an effort to get involved. I wouldn’t bring it up unless it is mentioned again

Post # 8
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

iheartpeonies:  No, you shouldn’t have to keep it from them, but why bring it up? If they ask you, sure you should tell them you had dinner at your mom’s house, but they may feel like he is “rubbing their noses” in it if he is telling them about it often. I don’t think you need to discuss with his parents where you have dinner or how you spent your entire weekend all the time. I also really agree with cpick:‘s advice. Put the ball in their court as to how they expect you to make them feel less jealous. It sounds like it is truly a logistics thing. 

Post # 10
Member
3869 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

iheartpeonies:  I wouldn’t worry about the dinner being awkward – I think your in-laws are jealous of the fact that your parents get to see you more often (jealous of the time/ability to do so), not your parents as people. It has nothing to do with your parents themselves, just the logistics that work out in their favor, and I would expect your in-laws to not take it out on your parents.

Post # 11
Member
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I feel like moms specifically get like this when their son gets engaged etc.  Generally speaking, girls are more attached to their family so time is spent more with them. That’s just how it usuallya goes.

My MIL has done the same thing. For many years we spent far more time with my DH’s family than we did with mine. And i would STILL hear snide remarks about it from her. Making comments about how i never spent Christmas with them, even though we visited every single christmas but (shocker) i tried to compromise and do christmas dinner with my family one year and his the next. She didn’t like that.

Honestly i just ignore it now. She has an issue letting her son create his own family. He is more independent than his siblings and I’m close with my family. She just has to learn to adjust.  You can be kind to her and do what you can to please her, but to hell if you are going to bend over backwards. 

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