Jealous, Insecure, anxious – Husband Female "Best friend"

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Nora8: If he’s lying about it, there is something to hide and you absolutely have reason to be jealous, insecure, and anxious. His relationship with this woman is absolutely not normal. They were thinking of getting a house together? That is not a platonic friendship, I’m sorry. She knows his banking info? No, no, no. I’m all for male/female friendships, but this is not a friendship. At the very least this is an emotional affair, if not a physical one. They are hiding in plain sight and banking on your low self-esteem preventing you from trusting yourself enough to call them on it.

Not to chastise you for moving forward with the wedding, but I am genuinely curious: why did you proceed with the wedding after uncovering his relationship with this woman? I would suggest individual therapy to explore why you have put up with this for so long, and ultimately I would suggest divorce. Nothing about this situation is ok.

Post # 4
Member
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Nora8:  I am sorry you’re in this situation 🙁 If a man in a relationship has to hide anything to do with a female friend, then he is up to no good. Period. 

Post # 5
Member
8071 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Well hes still in a LDR it seems…with her. He needs to cut ties completely if he wants the marriage to work. I am baffled though why you married someone who is being shady and cheating.

Post # 6
Member
808 posts
Busy bee

@Nora8:  I’m from the ‘of course men and women can be platonic friends camp’, but she sounds more like his girlfriend than a friend, tbh. Who the hell plans to buy a property with a friend rather than their spouse?! I don’t know what to advise seeing as you don’t want a divorce (maybe couples therapy?), but you’re definitely not overreacting. He’s lied to you a LOT and the whole situation is shady.

Post # 7
Member
7098 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

She’s “like a sister to him” but he didn’t invite her to your wedding?

I hate to be “that wife” but I’d tell him it’s me or her.

Post # 8
Member
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Why is he hiding your marriage?

why does she have his bank details?

Im so sorry but it sounds like its an emotional affair if not more at this point. 

He texted her on the day of your wedding and she still doesn’t know he’s married?!

Imagine your best friend telling you these details, what would you think?

Post # 9
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 I’ll start off by saying that I don’t necessarily have a problem with male/female friendships, as long as both parties respect boundaries. In this case though, boundaries are getting crossed left and right. I’m concerned that he hid this relationship – that’s always an indication that he KNOWS the behavior is wrong. I’m also concerned that she has his banking information, NO friend needs or should have that kind of personal financial information. Random gifts are also questionable. Yes, I’ve seen something really cute at the store and sent it to my best friend as a ‘I saw this and it screamed your name!’ sort of thing. However, we’re both female and have been doing that since we were 16. Women do that. Men generally don’t. 

I would sit down with him and have a very frank conversation with him.  He needs to choose, her or you. He’s already established that they are unable to maintain reasonable boundaries, so there’s no “I’ll make sure the friendship is appropriate”, that ship sailed when he didn’t tell her he was married. Unfortunately, there is a risk that he’ll choose her instead of you. But better to face that and know the truth rather than living with the lies.

Post # 10
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m sorry, but he was considering BUYING/INVESTING IN A HOUSE WITH THIS WOMAN?!!?!?? 

I had to go back and make sure I read that right. This is not normal behavior, people don’t do that, even “best friends”. I wouldn’t buy a house with my best friend, and my FI wouldn’t buy a house with his best friend, regardless of their gender. That’s such a major financial and emotional investment, that it concerns me that your husband was ok with entering into that with someone other than you (not to mention the fact that he didn’t even consult you or keep you informed). That’s not normal or respectful of your relationship, at all, and that’s not even taking into account all of the other shady stuff. Him keeping secrets and not involving you in his life is a bad sign, and it points to major communication and trust issues in your relationship.

I’m sorry OP. If you’re really invested in this relationship and don’t want a divorce, your husband has to realize how disrespectful his behavior is to you, and take (MAJOR) steps to cut off contact with this woman. I suggest couples counseling, at a minimum. 

Personally, I would have walked once I found out about the house thing. Hell no.

 

Post # 11
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

You don’t hide a wife from a sister or best friend; you do hide her from a girlfriend.

Post # 12
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Nora8:  There is so much wrong with this ‘friendship’ im amazed you married him to be honest. But you did so thats that

He was texting her on your wedding day but failed to mention he was getting married?Wtf? He made plans to invest in a house with her?Wtf? He told you he had cut contact with her but didnt? Wtf?He doesnt know where his bank card is yet she does?Wtf?She sends him recipes and asks him to cook for her?Wtf?

OP there are so many wtf moments i had reading this.You may not WANT a divorce but with all this,you’d be wise to not rule this out. its just mind boggling and im sorry you are going through this.You did see the red flags though so you may have to look into yourself to understand why you married him knowing all these things

It sounds like he is married to her more than it sounds like he is married to you

Post # 13
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

You are in no way overreacting. I don’t really have much advice, but I would bring it up again. His radio silence about her is bad. 

Post # 14
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Nora8:  So many red flags here!  You have every right to be jealous and insecure!  First of all – why wouldnt he tell his best friend he was married?  As his wife, you should be his best friend, and it should be difficult for him to have a conversation and NOT mention you. Second of all, why is he telling her things and not telling you them?  That is not okay.

Sure, I am married and I have male friends – but not male friends that I talk to everyday, and that know things my husband does not!

Unfortunately I know way too many stories about guys who claim to their current gfs/fiance/wife that a certain girl is just a friend or is like a sister to them. All of those have ended up breaking up, and in half the cases ending up with that girl that is like a sister to them.

Post # 15
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

THis is crazy town. Confront him.

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