Weddingbee boards

Okay, so we have the date, the dress, the venue...about to send the STDs...and I cannot yet get over my insecurities.  I compare myself to his (much thinner) ex all the time!  It hurts him when I do this, but I am so insecure about it!  Anyone have advice?  

I'm sorry you're having these feelings, during a time when you should be so excited and happy.  It can be stressful enough just to plan, but to have insecurities doesn't help.

I experienced a little of that too, but maybe for different reasons.  I still seem to insist my husband perefers redheads, just because his first wife was one.

Your fiance has probably grown from his last  realtionship.  He realizes what marriage means, and what qualities are important to find in a partner.  I'm not sure if you meant "ex" as in exwife or exgirlfriend.  But I think for my husband, getting married again, meant thinking carefully about and having more faith in the succes of his second marriage.  (Basically, he wanted be sure not to screw it up twice.)  Iguess based on a little apprehension, I think being proposed to by someone who has gone through that pain, means something special.

I hope that helped.  Best wishes.

Obviously there is a reason she is his ex, and he is marrying you.  Is the problem just that he was married before, and you can't get over not being his first?  Or is the problem that just that she's skinny?  My husband's first wife is tall, thin, blond, and looked like a model when they got married.  She  is also dumb as a post, self-absorbed and selfish, and slept around on him.  I do have to admit to being secretly glad, deep down inside, that she's put on a lot of weight since their divorce and that her hair looks like crap now that she has to Miss Clairol at home instead of being able to afford to have it professionally colored.  But even if she was still gorgeous and skinny, I'm smart and funny and generous faithful.  My husband has no doubts about what he would rather have.

It is hard to think about your guy having picked someone else first.  But people do make mistakes.  I was never married before, but I dated a few mistakes, some for quite a while.  These days not very many people come to their marriage having never been with someone else, and I suppose my husband could obsess if he wanted to about my former boyfriend who got rich on Microsoft stock and now owns his own company and jet-sets around the world, but he knows that I don't love him because he can't fly me to Paris for Valentine's Day.

And my advice, even if you have some insecurity about your weight and his ex, would be to try really hard not to talk about it around him.  Of course it hurts him, because you're just telling him that even though you're marrying him, you somehow don't believe that he really loves you.  Plus, honestly, insecurity is just really unattractive, and gets not only frustrating but also boring.  I'm sure you know people who simply can't stop running themselves down over one thing or another, and it's not something that's fun to listen to.  Concentrate on all the things that are good about you - and if you have to concentrate on something you don't like (your weight, for instance) concentrate on doing something about it - join a court club, take a yoga class.  You'll feel a lot better.

Actually, I should have mentioned this...

He isn't with her because she died!  I guess that's a big part of the problem.  I feel like I am second choice because he can't be with her.  

They were not married, but had been together for 6 years and thinking about marriage.

From what I do know about her, she seems like she was a great person.  I really think I would have liked her.  Along with my fiance, I care for her dogs with him, and I live where she did, have her closet, dresser, and basically her "place."

I've asked him if the reason he wants to be married is because he wants, not her, but that type of secure relationship back, but he insists that is not the case, and he loves me.

Aaah...I should get some counseling!

I think getting involved with someone whose significant other died, can be more challenging to wrap your brain around.  (Although I think you'd want to word it as "late girlfriend" instead of "ex".  Ex definitely means break up.)

I don't think that means he's not truthful in saying he loves you.  OK, she was a good person.  Maybe they would have been together.  But we can't go back in time and change things.  He still deserves to love again, right?  What if you were in his situation.  Don't you think after mourning, you could love again?  That you would want to find someone to love and share a life with?

Good lcuk.  And if it would help to get counseling, go for it.  It might help him too.