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Ugh, this is a tough one. My FI and his sister are really close, too, although she is a few years younger than him. When FI proposed, her response when we told her was less than enthusiastic. My FI noticed it too, but when I tried to have a conversation with him about it, he freaked out. Eventually I had to come to the conclusion that it was between me and my FSIL. We (FSIL and I) had a talk and now everything is great.
I've always found that writing things down helps me in arguments/serious discussions. In the heat of the moment you forget what you really want to say and end up with an argument that's all over the place. How about you write down some of your concerns and then bring them up to your FI. Or you could write him an email (he can click out of it, but he can't interrupt it). Explain that you'd like to be the number one woman in his life from now on. You'd like to be the one he goes to for advice. You'd like to make decisions just the TWO of you. All of your points are incredibly valid (I wouldn't want my FSIL doing my taxes either). If you present them in a clear way, I think you'll have a good chance at getting on the same page.
I know this must be really stressful for you. When the stuff was going on with my FSIL it made me sick. Good luck, I know you you resolve this :)
I can see how this is upsetting, particularly since you have already explained our position to him? How well do you get along with the sister? Is this by any chance something you could talk to her about??? Not a "Step back he's my man now," kind of way. But maybe somehow get her as an ally. Like when he calls her to get her opinion on what you should name your first child, she can gently remind him he needs to make that decision with you? I suppose it depends on how close you are..
Also, where are you and FI living? I get the impression you are living with his parents. I would think once you get your own place, his contact with his sister is cure to diminish. He could alwys call her. But his sister stopping off at home (parent's home) twice a week is different than stopping over your new place twice a week.
Good luck working things out. It's good that you're dealing with this before the wedding.
I don't really get along well with his sister. Well, I don't get along poorly with her, we're friendly to each other and stuff, but we are just totally different people and we have different views on things and I don't see us ever being close. I'm actually really afraid to talk to her about it even, and I don't push it a whole lot with my FI because I'm afraid he will bring it up with her, and if I have her disapproval, I don't know what would happen. I mean, I know my FI loves me enough not to leave me just because she doesn't like me, but it would be a very, very sticky situation for me to be in, and an incredibly unpleasant one for him. When I did initially bring the topic up, it was in an email. His dad was in the hospital (his dad was fine) and my FI needed to go pick him up and he wanted me to go with. Or so I thought. He kept bringing it up to me,even that day, even as I was walking home from work, about how we'll go when I get home from work, we were planning out to pay the bus fare, etc. Then he said that we'll wait for his sister to get home so we can use her Metro card (prepaid public transit card) and yeah, that's fine. But when she got home, my FI said "so who wants to go with me?" And I said, "well, I said I'll go with already." I honestly had no problem with it and didn't complain or anything. I felt like I was supporting him and being there for him when he needed me, and I liked being that person for him. But then, without acknowledging what I said, completely ignoring me, he repeats the exact same thing, while turing to look directly at his sister. I mean, I TOTALLY understand if he would want her to go with, it's her dad too. But I felt like it was completely, 100% out of line the way he handled it. If he wanted her to go, he should have said that in the first place. He doesn't need to IGNORE me, because that is completely what he did (I'm positive he heard me). So yeah, I was completely crushed and angry, and just a mix of emotions and I couldn't even hardly talk to him so I sent it in an email, about that and all the other things I feel about him and the way he seems to put his sister over me, but after he read it, the only thing he said was "but it's her dad too" and he just didn't understand. But then dinner was ready and it basically had to be dropped because I'm not arguing about something like that around his family, ESPECIALLY his sister. The first weekend after this incident he mentioned something about buying a house with his sister and how she can live on the top floor, we can live in the ground floor, and his parents could have the basement. Then he said something about how she'll come over all the time so they could play Wii or whatever, and I of course got angry and he said he was just joking, but I don't see why he'd joke about something that gets me so upset, so I don't think it was really a joke, was just trying to cover for himself.
Yes, we live with his parents, and it is most likely that we will live with at least one of them until they pass on. It is Chinese culture for the children to take care of their parents once the children have grown, and they have both indicated that my FI and his sister are even supposed to give them money, like an "allowence" on top of actually taking care of them. Neither of his parents work and his dad has a bit of a disability. It's hard as it is because his parents are divorced but they still have to live together because we can't afford to pay two rents in NYC atm.
We haven't had any problems about this recently really because if something has bothered me, it's just been small and not worth the arguing. I just hoped some other Bees out there went through similiar situations, or are going through them, and could shed some of their hard earned wisdom on me :p
I feel my brother's girlfriend could be writing this about me, so I'll give you the sister's perspective :)
My brother and I are very close, we have the same personalities, think the same way, and genuinely get along- and while I realize his flaws, I think the world of him. I've noticed when I hang out with him and his girlfriend (they've been together four years) she's sometimes a little cold towards me, and I see a little jealousy. I love her as a sister, and I like to think that we get along very well even though we're polar opposites and have very little in common.
A few weeks ago my sister informed me of an argument my brother had with his girlfriend. Basically she was telling him everything that was wrong with my sister and I- the only reason my sister told me about this was because he stood up for me, and not her. I see why his girlfriend thinks the things that she does, but she needs to realize he loves her in a way he's never loved me, and he would never put me above her.
In your particular situation, you have two choices. 1. Rise above it, and starting getting close with your soon to be SIL (this would included having a heart to heart with your fiance. You need to tell him what hurts your feelings) or 2. Let it eat at you and hurt your relationship.
I am not jealous of people in his life, but rather of his hobby or anything else that might occupy his time. He finally came to the conclusion (we reading books for our Pre-marital counseling) last night that I should never have to complete for attention in his life.
AMEN!
I've been trying to tell him this for a year.
I can only hope that you'll be able to express to him how you love him and your family. That you feel like his sister is the woman he'd defend first and you want to feel like it would be you. Someday she'll have a husband and he'll not like feeling that your FI, her brother has more status in her life than he does.
I'd say clearly this is an issues you need to address.
Careful to explain withouth being too upset.
And tell him how you feel, " I feel upset when....."
avoid all "you spend more time with your sister than you do me..."
Good Luck.
My parents always told me that at some point, your spouse becomes a higher rein on the family totem pole than the "rest" of your family.
It took awhile for my FI to reach this point so that I could see it and it happened while he was gone. Or rather, it took awhile for me to see this.
Don't get me wrong, family is important, but this is the man you'll be raising your family with, and you have to KNOW how important you are and where you stand, that he isn't taking you for granted that you'll *always* be there.
I would be irritated if i were you, too. Try to get closer with the sister. Maybe he feels like there is a "divide" so he has to like, split his time between you guys.
I got engaged to my high school boyfriend when I was 19. We had been together for almost 4 years at that point. I still lived with my parents but had pulled away from them completely to be a part of his family... They were alot like you describe your fiance and his sister.. except it was the WHOLE family. He was very much a mama/family boy and although he was 21, he let them make all his decisions for him. He wasn't allowed to be alone with me, he wasn't allowed to stay out with me past 11 etc. After awhile (and me GROWING UP) I realized that this wasn't right... we were engaged and planning a wedding and he had these restrictions! I tried talking to him over and over about it.. but got no where.. he honeslty saw no fault in his family and even though he thought some of the things they did and said were wrong.. he would NEVER had stood up to them. At one point, my parents told him " now you realize that when you get married, your spouse becomes a part of you.. the number one thing in your life and you put everything else second"... his response "no one will ever come before my family, not even a wife".
I knew then and there i couldn't do it. I knew I would go even further down the crazy trail if I stuck with this... so I had to break things off and leave him. Now that I look back, he is 27 and married to a 19 year old and they are living in his parents house... yep that woulda been me.
I'm not saying that this is exactly like your situation.. but if your fiance doesn't see your point of view.. if he refuses to look at the whole picture or place his wife above all others.. you will need to learn to live with it.. or do something about it.
You and your FI have to learn to be a team, and while that doesn't mean that other people in your lives are necessarily excluded, there are certain things that need to be done or decided between the two of you. What those things are depends on your particular relationship, but you do need to work them out.
My SIL and my husband are not close - really, just the opposite. He doesn't even like her much. That doesn't stop her from being as involved in his life as she can be - telling him what to buy for their parents for birthdays and Christmas, planning vacations he should take with her, and particularly trying to get him to pay for a lot of stuff that is just not his responsibility (for instance, HER hotel room on said vacations). This problem has been going on for years, and was a huge point of contention in his first marriage. I knew this, so we had the whole discussion before we got married about what was and was not acceptable with regards to his sister. I think our case was similar to yours, because frankly only part of the problem was his sister's behavior - the rest was his inability to tell his sister where to get off. And things don't always go smoothly where his sister is concerned, but we do pretty well, having agreed that every decision gets made between the two of us first, and that family is then informed of that decision. So when his sister calls and starts talking about the fabulous ski vacation we should all take, he has now learned to say "Wow, that sounds great, but you know we have some other things planned, so I'll have to get back to you after I talk to Suzanno." Or when she calls to tell him that we are "all" getting his mom a new vacuum cleaner for her birthday, he says "You know, I'm sure she will love that. But I think that we may already have decided on a present for her. I'll get back to you." We've been married for ten months, and it's working really well - it infuriates her so much that she actually doesn't bother to try to control his life nearly so much.
The trick is, of course, getting him to do it. If your FI honestly thinks that his relationship with his sister shouldn't have to change at all when he marries you, you're not going to be able to do much about this. You need to just have a very honest discussion with him about what you see as your place in his life, and the way you deserve to be treated, and how you see that changing the relationship he has with his family. If he just can't make those changes, or won't make those changes, you either need to accept the situation as it is, or find a man who will put you first in his life. That's a hard decision. But I see it this way - my husband has had a hard time changing his family dynamic, but it never occurred to him not to try. And that's because he loves me - and doesn't like to see me unhappy - and would do anything within reason to make my life better. You say that you have made a lot of compromises for the love of your FI, and I guess now is when you see how many compromises he is willing to make for you. If he's not actually willing to compromise, then I think that you probably deserve someone to whom your happiness is a little more important.
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So far he's been a bit better. I haven't really talked to him much, but he'll be sure to spend time with me before he spends the evening playing with Wii with her. Hopefully things will change once we have our own place (he says his sister is helping pay rent, and is paying more than he is, so she gets to make decisions, etc) but now that the wedding is getting closer, he is talking about us more as a "we" instead of us as two separate people. I feel confident that if this becomes a problem again, we will be able to address it because I do know that he loves me, maybe not more than her, but at least equal (in a different way of course), and my happiness is important to him
I think once you get your own place things will be better. My Fi does things with his friends that he doesn't do with me, like play video games, even though I like a good game of Mario Cart once in awhile, too.
Definitely move out asap!!! =]
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I think when you're young and you're entering into a marriage, it is a little bit harder for one person or the other to mentally adjust their way of thinking in terms of family. My husband and I are young and before we actually got married, I think it was difficult for him to accept the implications of marriage. His immediate family is very tight knit and always has been. They were outcast by the rest of their family, so their parents encouraged them to be close and appreciate each other because their family is all they had. By no means is that a bad thing to teach your children. I think it's a wonderful thing. It did, I think, make it harder for my husband to accept that this new person in his life would suddenly become his #1, his world, above all else. The funny thing is, once we were married, it was like a light bulb went on. He acts now as if there is no question in his mind who comes first. It's all about the wife now, lol. I love his family dearly, they are wonderful people. I do admit there is a tinge of jealousy when he interacts with his younger sister. Of his siblings, she is the one he is closest to, and yes...he thinks very highly of her. So, as "the" woman in his life, yeah, I felt a little weird about that. One of my problems is that I couldn't relate. I just don't have that kind of relationship with my siblings. I love them, but beyond that, I don't have any kind of crazy close bond with them. As for his sister, if we lived closer to his family, it might be an issue, but we don't.
Not everyone is raised with the idea that your spouse becomes your priority. I'm not sure at what point in my own life it was instilled in me. I guess I saw it in my own parents. For me, it's just something I understood. I think when you're young it's hard to see the big picture, and what the end result of any given action will be. Remind him that by proposing marriage to you, he is asking to start a family with you. He has asked you to be the future mother of his children, to raise a family with you. It's not that where he came from is being forgotten, it's that he's starting the next chapter in his life and becoming an adult.
I think it would be in your best interest to become friends with your FSIL, regardless of how much or little you have in common. She's obviously very important to your fiance, and for that reason alone I think building a friendly rapport with her is crucial. Who knows? You may become close enough that eventually she'll start calling asking to talk to you, not him, lol. I think you will feel a lot more at ease if that was the case. It seems you've expressed some disinterest in becoming friends with her, and I have a feeling it could be due to this jealousy issue. Trust me, I get it, I totally understand. But in this instance, I would keep those feelings as far away from her as humanly possible. If you're going to talk to your fiance about it, I would also ensure that he understands those conversations are meant to stay between the two of you only, that you are confiding your feelings in him. Because honestly, the problem is not the sister's. It's your fiance that needs to set up some boundaries and prioritize. The sister can't be too blame for how your fiance acts. Just try not to take it out on her. In the end you'll feel a lot better (and avoid a lot of drama) if you become friends with her. Good luck!!
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I've heard stories about guys being a "momma's boy" and that they wont really "cut the umbilical cord" and some women are kind of jealous about that sometimes. Well, my FI isn't a mamma's boy, but his sister fills in that gap. His sister is a bit older than him(by about 3 years) and they were close growing up. He credits her to helping raise him and such because their parents were gone working a lot. Now, I certainly have no complaints that he respects his sister and thinks so highly of her, but sometimes I feel like he prefers her over me. He'll never argue things with her, when he needs advice or help, he goes to her first. Even if it is something we're discussing, he very often says "let me ask my sister." Any decision we make (well, not things like what to have for dinner or anything) has to be run by his sister. She even does his taxes and stuff for him. She comes home about 2 nights a week and stays the rest with her boyfriend. I don't know why she comes home, other than to see my FI and their mom I guess and I wish she would just move out completely. She's old enough, my FI is old enough to take care of himself, etc. When she's home, my FI will spend most of the evening playing Wii with her. He seems to enjoy her company more than mine. One time, we were talking about moving back to my home state (I moved out here about a year ago. over 700 miles from my family and everything I have ever known to be with him). He says basically that he doesnt want to go because he doesn't want to leave his sister. That was CRUSHING to me. After I gave up EVERYTHING for him (and I don't regret it!) he isn't willing to do the same for me! My brother and I were VERY close, 14 months apart in age, so we've basically always been together and have been best friends, similar to my FI and his sister. But I gave all that up because I love him. We're supposed to be starting our own new family, and when I told him that (because I was talking about how when we're married I don't really want his sister doing our taxes) he said something about how he's not going to just stop talking to her, completely not even understanding what i mean. I would never want him to stop talking to her, but we need to rely on each other and turn to each other, obviously not for EVERYTHING, but we should be a "two of us" not a "three of us." i tried to explain it, but i think it just kind of trailed off. I've tried to talk to my FI about this stuff a little bit, but he just doesn't understand and thinks I'm making a big deal over nothing, though he did think over the moving back thing and is more willing to consider it after he realized how I did it for him. I could go on with other instances of stuff like this, but no need really. Anyone else delt/dealing with this? How do you handle it? It's just very frustrating sometimes.
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