(Closed) Jealous… of my sweet baby niece

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Oh dear… I’ve never felt this way, but this is exactly how my brother felt when I was wedding planning, then during the wedding, and now that we are buying a house.  It is a very common thing, albeit not rational, to experience.  Please think of the wedding as your day, and don’t let all this other stuff get you down about it.  Babies do magical things to people, especially grandparents, and you don’t need to compete with it.  Make your day special for you and your fh and you’ll be happy!!

Thanks for sharing, and good luck!

Post # 4
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think what you are feeling is natural. I am sure you are aware they aren’t doing this intentionally, it is just the timing has coincided with your pivotal life events as well.

I don’t have good words of advice other than to say- Chin up! You have a flower girl now! ;o)  I would focus on the positive! You graduated from law school (a great accomplishment! Congratulations!), you found a great life long partner, and you have a supportive family who will be present on your most special day.

Your life events will not be less significant because of what is going on with your sister. When you have kids- your mother will glow just as much for them as well. And the entirety of your life doesn’t just revolve around your mother or sister or niece- but it now includes your husbands family as well. 

So while your family is all over the newest addition of the family- I am sure they will continue to burst with a bigger glow when you walk down the aisle. I bet your entire family is on cloud nine for a multitude of reasons. 

I don’t know if you should say anything to your mom. I mean- I wouldn’t focus on it too much. She probably doesn’t realize she is making you feel that way. Mother’s always deny they are treating their daughters differently.

Maybe you should go out with your mom and spend some quality time together (I would make it a rule she can’t bring her cell phone to call your sister though!) =o)

Post # 5
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Kara321, I completely know how your feel…my life has been a long string of having my spotlight darkened by my sister’s shadow (or at least that’s how I’ve felt).  And it’s very understandable that you might feel this way.  My sister is pregnant with her second baby and is due 1 week after my wedding.  To be honest ever since I’ve thought about getting married (as in long before my FH came along, just the general idea), I’ve always been sure that my sister would be pregnant and getting all the attention.  Of course I always thought it’d be her first, so it’s a bit different now.  But a part of me still is convinced that she’ll go into labor during our ceremony.

So I’m mostly just validating your feelings.  But I also remind myself how happy I was the day I met my niece at 6 days old (seriously, the only other time I can remember being more excited was the day my brother came home from the hospital).  And how exciting it will be for there to be yet another family member so soon after my family welcome my FH to the family officially.  So I guess basically I’m just trying to help myself gain the perspective I might need when it’s close to my wedding and everyone will be fawning over my very pregnant and attention demanding sister, and maybe that general idea can be helpful to you too. 

But I feel you.  I’ve also never been one to want to be the center of attention with my family, but it does seem like it ought to be the case on my wedding day and I also feel a bit jealous.  But definitely *do not* elope.  Your mom probably doesn’t even realize what she’s doing.  And if you’re not the attention grabbing type, you probably haven’t been really assertive in discussing wedding planning or anything about all the changes in your life either.  Your family sounds very close and they will be very excited about your wedding and marriage.  It’s not just a one day expensive celebration, it’s the start of your new life together with your husband and the beginning of your own family.  I’m sure your parents see it that way as well.

Post # 7
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I wonder if your mom is like mine. My mom never went to college, but she did stay home and raise 3 kids. She has a very hard time relating to me about school or my office job. She just can’t quite get it because she has nothing to relate it to. But if you talk to her about babies…well, you can’t get her to stop talking! Maybe your mom doesn’t understand how important your graduation was, at least not in the same way she understands babies. It’s sad but maybe you can try to surround yourself with people who understand you better, like us Bees!

Post # 8
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

My brother had his first kid when he was 25 (she is now 9) so I can totally relate! The reality is, becoming a grandparent for the first time is a huge deal, and unfortunatley, doesn’t really compete with graduation.  My parents starting spending a lot more time visiting my brother once he had kids, and one year despite saying they would come visit me for my bday, they ended up spending my bday weekend at my brothers.  I was really hurt because I felt like I wasn’t as important to them just because I didn’t have kids.   I did let them know how I felt and I think they have made a genuine effort to make me more of a priority.  But still, everytime we all get together its all about the grandkids – and it doesnt help that my SIL thinks that her kids should be the center of everyone’s universe – and I have realized I just have to accept that fact, but appreciate the efforts my parents are making. 

Post # 10
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I know exactly how you feel.  The good news: it’ll pass.  Babies make ever normally sane people goo and gah over the newest family member, and everyone and everything is overshadowed for a little while. I only have one recommendation, and it’s to not be jealous of your niece.  be jealous of the attention your sister is getting, be jealous that your parents didn’t seem to care about your new office, but don’t let it cloud your judgment when it comes to your niece. 

Once you’ve had time to let the dust settle, seriously talk to your mom…and your sister.  Tell them how you feel, and epress to them that you feel like your accomplishments don’t matter. 

Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Ooh, glad to know I’m not the only one! I brought my parents to my hi-rise office building and tried to show them some of my work, but then I realized they weren’t paying any attention at all. They were staring out the window at the view. They just couldn’t (and didn’t care to) understand anything at all about what I do! I haven’t found any way to fix the situation, I just let it roll off my back now and I stopped telling them about my work so it won’t hurt when they don’t care. They didn’t care at all about my wedding either, my mom had absolutely no interest in picking out my dress, tasting food, or visiting the venue. Everything I showed her she just said "That’s nice."

Post # 12
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Kara321, I can relate to being the oddball, though maybe not so extreme.  My parents are doctors, and I don’t think they really understand any type of career that’s not "professional".  So they’re constantly confused about my having a PhD and what I’m doing b/c there’s no label they understand…I hate the question, "So are you going to teach?" said with somewhat of an incredulous sneer.  So it’s quite possible that your parents will never quite understand your situation and be able to share in your joys in exactly the way you’d like, but I don’t think that precludes being close.  I do think it means accepting that they’ll always be less enthusiastic about your professional/academic accomplishments…but that doesn’t mean they don’t love and value you.  It’s frustrating to me that my Mom is so excited about my getting married but was pretty ho-hum about my PhD, but I know that she loves me and this is just something she can relate to more.  I don’t think it’s that she wasn’t excited, she just didn’t know how to convey it b/c it’s not something she really knows much about. 

Also, is it possible that your family is intimidated by your success?  I’m totally guessing and I really don’t mean this to sound offensive, but could it be that your parents feel like they’re not quite "worthy" or soemthing of being around people with so much education?  This is not to say that this is in any way true, but our society puts a lot of emphasis on the "value" of higher degrees, so they might feel like they don’t belong and that’s why they didn’t want to come to your work etc.

Post # 13
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

I don’t know how your mom is, but could you say something, really kindly, to you Mom?  Can you just say that you miss being close with her, and feel like she doesn’t have time for you or your big event?  My mom is really open to talking about feelings, etc, but I know not everyone’s parents are.  It’s possible your mom is just out to lunch a little bit and doesn’t realize how hurtful she is being.

Post # 14
Member
397 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

This is perfectly normal.  Babies steal the thunder from ANYONE and ANYTHING!  It will get better though.  Keep planning your wedding, and I’m sure your mom will come around.  It is her first grandbaby! She’ll be a little crazy for awhile.  Believe me, my sister had a baby boy, who is now 18 months (and I love sooo much).  He was the first for everyone and the constant center of attention.  But it does wear off and you’ll get your mom back 🙂  Plus, it’ll be your turn for the baby next right? 😉

Post # 16
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 9 years ago

Don’t feel bad…it shouldn’t be natural but it happens and your parents kinda suck…they seem to be missing the oh so famous "sensitivity chip"…

Be proud of your own accomplishments even if it seems they don’t notice. You have done GREAT things for yourself!

Hang in there.

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