Jealous that my close friend is engaged

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

This isn’t uncommon. Unfortunately, lots of people feel upset or jealous in similar situations. Just realize that she hasn’t done anything wrong, that her being engaged has no impact on your relationship, and that she didn’t do anything to you. Don’t treat her badly just because she’s engaged, either. 

Why does her engagement bother you? Do you wish you were engaged?

Post # 3
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

LBgirl:  jealous is a normal feeling at times.  I have been with my fiancé for 5 1/2 years and we have a beautiful son together.  My fiancé is a slow mover in all big decisions and I knew that from early on. But it would bother me and I would get jealous seeing friends in much shorter relationships than mine, get engaged.  also, people would either assume we were already married since we have a child, or others would say “when are you going to get married!?” (As if the woman proposes and I had some sort of say in the matter?).  The thing I came to realize was, several of our friends who got married early in their relationships, also got divorced very quickly. Some are on their second marriages and my fiancé and I just got engaged. So, best advice I could give is to not compare your relationship to others.  Taking longer isn’t a bad thing and I wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂 

Post # 4
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

LBgirl:  Completely normal!

Just make sure you don’t take it out on her! I’ve had friends get jealous of me, take it out on me, and now we’re no longer friends.

Your time will come, now is hers. Be happy and respectful. Every relationship is different.

Post # 6
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

LBgirl:  Why are you not engaged? You mentioned not being financially comfortable yet. If it is important to you to be more settled before becoming engaged, then it sounds like a decision that you have made and that you feel confidently about. Why, then, is someone else’s situation bothering you if you’re happy with the choices you’ve made? Negative emotions can sometimes be a wonderful opportunity to look within and do some work to make your own life better. If you realize that you would rather be engaged now than wait until you have more money, then go for it! If your boyfriend isn’t willing to listen to your needs and wishes in your relationship and try to compromise on a shorter timeline I believe he probably isn’t the best guy to be marrying anyhow. Unlike what JuliaLaneFitness believes, you do have the right to have your needs acknowledged and make your own decisions about when you should be married. Just make those decisions and stick with them, whether it means getting engaged now or not. 2.5 years was a timeline that was right for your friend and her fiance. Sit down with your guy, determine what timeline makes sense for your relationship, and find peace.

Post # 7
Member
1917 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I had dated my boyfriend for 4 years before we got engaged. A friend of mine got jealous and decided to marry a guy after dating for 2 weeks. She said she was happy for me t first, but then she copied our wedding colors and decided to get married a week before us despite barely knowing the guy… Try your best to be happy for your friend, it seems like some relationships just go at their own pace. If you do get engaged soon though, don’t do what my friend did and try to distance your weddings so it’s not some petty competition. I certainly down blame you though for being a bit jealous, I probably would be too!

Post # 9
Member
2255 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Yeah…at some point we’ve all been there and done that. In my experience, if she’s a really really really close friend and you guys tell each other everything then I would tell her the truth. At least this is what helped me when I felt that way. I told 2 very good friends that I was feeling insanely happy and jealous at the same time for them. Since we ARE really good friends they hugged me and told me my time would come and all was well again. My best friend also told me the same thing when I got engaged and by then I knew it wasn’t personal, was totally irrational, was normal and everything was ok so that was it. If, however, you’ve never shared your irrational jealousies with your friends then I advise against this. And as PPs have noted this isn’t something that’s on your friend, it’s on your relationship and your SO. It’s better to open up lines of communication “wow I realized I really want to get married and I’m not sure I can wait until X…” and see what happens than to try and hide it from him (for fear of making him feel bad, pressured or whatever). The latter just makes you feel increasingly resentful cuz he’s not reading your mind and knowing that your priorities have now shifted and expect him to act accordingly (even though, again, he has no idea).

Edit: I just saw your last post. Ok bc you’re so young you could (if you’re sure sure) get engaged (vintage rings, diamond alternatives, pre loved, whatever) and then have a looooong engagement while you guys finish school, find jobs, etc. just as long as both of you would be ok with being engaged without planning the wedding for a few years you’d be ok!

Post # 11
Member
1878 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN

My younger sister got engaged and married before I did, and all under 2 years too. DH proposed 2 months after their wedding (I think he waited until after their wedding because he didn’t want to steal their thunder). But, DH and I had already been dating two years when my sister started dating her husband. At first I couldn’t help but feel jealous about it, but then I remembered that God has his timing for our lives all planned out. Once I accepted that, it was so easy to be happy for my sister and brother in law. And then I got engaged. Haha.

Post # 12
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

LBgirl:  Makes sense! My fiance and I were engaged for about 5 minutes (haha) of my junior year of college, I believe? But then we decided to “do it right” and have a wedding and have our families be a part of it so we called it off. A year and a half later we got engaged and you know what? I miss the times when we were just dating! It sounds weird, but our relationship felt untainted and pure when it was just us. Getting engaged opens up your relationship for more scrutiny and all eyes are on you, at least for a little while, and I miss the times when it was just us. I’m so excited to finally be married in 2 months and get everyone out of our hair! Enjoy this time, you can’t have it back. 

Post # 13
Member
6515 posts
Bee Keeper

LBgirl:  I totally get what you’re feeling. Having been with my SO for 7 years now, you can only imagine how many engagements and weddings I’ve seen come and go for friends/classmates/coworkers who had been with their partners for much, much shorter periods of time. I always felt like, why does their partner want to marry them and mine doesn’t? And unlike you, I was not hesitant to share my feelings of jealousy with my SO. It took talking to him and figuring out why he wasn’t ready to propose even though we’ve talked abour marriage and being together forever so many times before. I learned (and only with time truly understood) that it wasn’t a matter of him not wanting to marry me, it was a matter of timing. He wanted to wait until he was in a more stable position with respect to his career and finances before popping the question.

Did I lay off after that? Of course not. But whenever another friend would get engaged, I would try to remind myself of what my SO had told me (and sometimes make him tell me again!). And now, his career and finances and in place and he and I have ring appointments booked and are already making plans.

As I look back, I wish I had been more patient and had known that my time would come too. I also am thankful for the timing after all because I’ve been to enough weddings to realize that I do not want to have one myself (and will be saving a ton of money as a result). I imagine for most bees, it means that you’ll have lots of inspiration when the time comes to make your own plans and plan your own wedding. After consulting your friends who have been through the whole thing, things will be even less stressful and more streamlined for you.

Just focus on the positives and try to not let it get to you, even though I know it’s hard.

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