Post # 1
ladies (this might be long but i would really value your opinions and experiences and possibly tips).
when my boyfriend and i started dating we were long distance. i was 17-18 and he was 20-21. we were long distance for about a year ad a half before we mved in together. while we weree long distance he was extremely jealous (made me delete all my male friends on myspace wouldnt lwt me talk to guys would call and listen in oon some of my classes to make sure i wasnt tgalkingv to guys). honestly i was a quiet girl in high school i never went to parties, never flirted with guys, never gave him a reason to be jealous or insecure.
i got tired of it so i did the same thing to him thinking he would realize how stupid it was. but then i actually would get jealous (after mnths of not talking to guys and trying to get him to understand).
so now fast forward four years and (importantly) an e-ring on layaway and now honestly i am very controlling and jealous for real. we each have two jobs (one part time one full time eaach for financial reasons) so we barely see eachother excet at one job we both work part time. well tonight he was (in my opinion) flirting with another girl (laughing looking in her eyes) and she was flirting slso stairing at him playing with her tongue ring infront of him always standing nextttt to him.
i got so mad at him i cried in the bathroom and had a panic attack i was so upset. ive told him not to talk to her before he just seems like he doesnt care at times.
i talk to him about it and try to work onit but it is very difficult since we both work so much.
please bee’s GIVE ME ADVICE!!! bad or good! ask me questions i will gladly respond. thanks!
Post # 3
I am sorry you are feeling so upset . I would be feeling that way, too, especially with that history. I think many of us have experienced something along those lines as well!
I am someone who can easily get jealous. Some of this comes from a previous ex, he would have friends that were girls and would be overly friendly with them. If I would say something, he would twist it so it would be my fault. He would almost do more of it, just to make me mad (gee, and I wonder why that relationship didn’t work, LOL).
How have the conversations with your BF gone? Have you told him how you felt, given him specific examples?
Post # 4
So, let me get this straight … neither of you are allowed to talk to people of the opposite sex?
And, when you talk to someone, aren’t you supposed to look in their eyes?? Not sure where you wanted your BF to look when he was talking to her? I suppose you should be happy he wasn’t staring at her boobs.
Just because the girl was twirling her hair, playing with her tongue piercing and flirting with him doesn’t mean he was definitively flirting with her.
In your opinion, it was flirting and I have to wonder if you feel that way because of the way the other woman was acting. Does he see what he was doing as flirting? Just because he talks to another woman doesn’t mean he wants something from her.
Post # 5
Also, now that I’m thinking about it, it helps that when we have friends of the opposite sex that we know those friends, too. It doesn’t always work out that way, but it does help to put a face to the name. I used to get jealous when my FI was spending time with our group of friends (guys and girls) while I was at home (there was some time that I was at home while he was still finishing up at our university). It helped that I knew who he was hanging out with, and I did have to learn to trust him. He never gave me a reason to not trust him.
Then, last year (before we had gotten engaged), he told me about a girl that he works with. They are going through the same program together (we are currently in a LDR ourselves). I hadn’t met her, so I didn’t really like hearing about him hanging out with her. He then told me that the two of them were going to see a play together, and I got really upset. We talked about it, and he did end up going with her, but I had a better understanding of the situation. I did finally get to meet her, and she is really nice. I also know that I have this issue, so I have to really work hard to overcome it.
I am concerned that your BF is so controlling, though. Saying who you can and cannot be friends with is not good. If he had a good reason, that would be one thing. If it’s just because they have male anatomy, that is not a good reason. It is absolutely not fair that he can hang out with girls, and then say that you cannot have any male friends.
If he doesn’t seem to take you seriously, or listen to you voice your concerns, then I would be thinking if this relationship is worth it. Do you really want to spend your life with someone trying to control yours? There are many, many great guys out there–ones that won’t tell you who you can and cannot be friends with. They will also listen when you are upset and try to remedy it.
Post # 6
So you are both controlling? I see your first and biggest problem there. Why do you feel that you need to be controlling? I think there is a much bigger issue than some girl and your jealousy. You should be completely secure in the relationship before you even think about marriage and secure in yourselves. You need to figure out what those issues are and deal with them first, and probably with a councilor.
Post # 7
You may not want to hear this but from the sounds of it, your relationship is very unstable. Not being able to talk to people of the opposite sex is ridiculous and juvenile. In order for a marriage to work you have to be able to trust your spouse and from the sounds of it, neither of you trust each other. I really think you need to reevaluate your relationship and decide what you want in life. Do you want to grow old with someone who insists on listening in on your life to make sure your not talking to guys? Does he want to marry someone who’s jealous and controlling?
Post # 8
I agree with CaitMarae… At the very least, I’d suggest you both get some relationship counseling since by your own account there is definitely an issue for the both of you. If you can’t do that, then once again, as previously mentioned, think long and hard about the stability of your relationship. I’m a little bit of a jealous woman myself, but I don’t nag my husband about it because I trust him to not hurt me, and he trusts me to not turn on him. Either way, here’s hoping that all ends well for you!!
Post # 9
thank all of you ladies for responding. i apologize for not responding earlier but my boyfriend works 3rd shift tronight and i drove half an hour to see him (and half an hur back) so we could bring in the new year together. now i am super tired and have to work early tomorrow so i will write more tomorrow. i do think couples counseling would help us A LOT.
Post # 10
I agree with CaitMarae as well…I also would like to add that, all of what you posted is in some form, abusive IMO. In no situation is it ok for him to have suggested to listen in on some of your classes to make sure you aren’t talking to guys. that seems a bit extreme to me. is he going to ask you to wear a camera on your next to make sure no guy looks in your direction? A very important part of a relationship is trust. It seems neither of you have that. Im sorry if my response is sounding harsh but I have been in this type of situation and at the time considered it normal jealousy. Its not. The man im with now would never do anything of the sort. He is around women all the time and has regular contact with them in conversation in all sorts of social situations. I do not think twice about it because I trust him completely. There will always be some woman who is going to flirt or bat her eyes at your guy. Its just life. Be confident that its you he loves and wants and try and communicate to him that the behavior in your relationship is just not right. Counseling seems to sound like a good option.