Post # 1
OK… I have to share this because it’s sort of funny, in retrospect, but really sad too. I recently met a gentleman who specialised in social development projects in the same general field that I work in. We decided to collaborate on a project, and when I was in town then he invited me to stay at his house. Several other people working in the same field as both of us had done this before, and I didn’t see anything wrong with it. I was also aware that he had no untoward intentions towards me… he is an older gentleman who is very fatherly towards people my age, as that’s the age his kids are. There is no way he saw me as anything but a colleague and someone who needed the benefit of his age and experience.
Anyway, it soon became clear that, whilst he was married, there were problems in their marriage because he was always working. Whilst I stayed there, his wife became increasingly cross with him because he wasnever home, and there was an atmosphere. Then, out of the blue, she came and said she wanted to ask me a question. Sure, I said…
“Did X pay you to come here?” she asked….
…er… WTF!!!!!! I was so shocked that all I could say was no. She walked off and I left that day after making some phoney excuse about having to get back to my research site.
Interestingly, I’ve spoken to a few couples since then, and people where I work (South East Asia) seem to think that jealousy is somehow OK… locals admit they let their partners check their phones and emails and check up on them constantly, and one girl told me that she can’t even get a lift from her boss because his wife would go crazy if she knew he had had another woman in the car. I find this utterly bizarre. I mean… what are they going to do? Pull over along the motorway and have public sex in the car before proceeding to their destination? And yet some of the people here seem to find this jealousy endearing.
FI and I have been long distance for well over a year now, and faithful. People don’t seem to believe this is possible. But, I mean, really… it’s not that hard not to have sex. I’ve heard people say “it was an accident” and I think “really? What did you do? Trip over as you exited the room and fall on top of them?”. Crazy.
What’s everyone else’s take on this, and other jealousy issues?
Post # 3
I think that is a bit insane. While no, I wouldn’t want random female friends of DH staying in our house, especially if I weren’t there, there is a huge differenece in coed sleep overs with married men and needing a ride home. If you can’t trust someone why the heck are you married to them?!?! Of course we are also a couple who both know each others passwords to things and don’t snoop but have had legitiment reasons to get into the others email or whatever.
Post # 4
Lol! Your guesses at how people cheat cracked me up! Itotally agree. How is that ever even an “accident”?
Post # 5
Poor woman…. their marriage has problems and it dosn’t seem like he is trying to work on it at all…. I would feel really bad for her is she asked me that.
Alittle bit of jealousy is fine and normal. The extremes you mentioned are not.
Post # 6
I’m not a fan of jealousy at all, really. why should there be jealousy in what is a stable relationship? as long as boundaries are respected, and these are “duh!” boundaries like don’t kiss another woman or go home with another man, what’s the issue?
your examples, however, are the extreme.
Post # 7
@Cady: Yeah, you’re right, actually. I don’t think he is doing much to solve the issue, and it was a bit sad. That’s 99% of the problem. I also think that it’s easier to blame another woman for your issues than to blame such a nebulous thing as work. I just guess that I was a bit taken aback because:
1. South East Asian hospitallity dictates that you will almost always be invited to stay in someone’s house, regardless of gender. And this was something that the couple had already been doing for years.
2. FI invites work collegues to stay with us now and then, such as when they have appointments and can’t get home for whatever reason, and I don’t mind at all. Even if they are girls. Plus, if they’re going to cheat, they’ll do it anyway, right?
… I don’t know. I don’t really get jealous in that way, I suppose, so I don’t really understand it…. perhaps there is a certain naivite in the way I approach these things?
Post # 8
hang on .. I must have missed the South East Asian part. The locals saying that it’s normal is completely true. I’m from the region, and I really don’t understand how this is acceptable behavior *eyeroll*