Jealousy and playing favorites…how to cope

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@chickspartan:  It will be okay, really. I know how hard it is when you look for approval and congratulations but you don’t get any. Even more difficult when those people appear to be favouring and offering congratulations to someone else during what is a happy time for you. It sucks. However, how long has his brother been back? Has it been a very short time? I am not trying to be dismissive but if he has been back for a very short time from Afghanistan then they are going to act differently. Not that that really excuses the different way that they responded. Is your relationship with them strained in any way? I know it hurts but I would try to concentrate on the people who are excited for you and support you. *HUGS* Hope you feel better after getting it all out.

Post # 4
Member
3596 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Look I don’t know the family dynamics, but I will say if you ask any siblings who is favored they point in the other direction.

 

I personally don’t feel like being engaged means having a huge spotlight. You guys can’t control how other people behave, but you control how you choose to respond and how you behave.

 

Starting first with stop comparing yourself to Lisa, trying not to add up every little thing for tit and tat. Then truly if there is something your Fi needs to get off his chest, he needs to be calm, and list the facts and speak to his parents. I would tread very lightly with that, because the list of complaints seem childish and petty to me, compared to what issues his brother may have. So if someone in my family approached us in a similar situation that is how I would feel about it.

 

  From what you said I personally think this is a case of them missing him, he just came from a war zone, and he survived it, of course people are going to be happy because hell he alive when a lot of people who went there aren’t. It’s a big traumatic thing for him, for you Fi and the whole family. I have a lot of people in my family who went and came back, and trust me any chance we get to throw a big party, or give them some extra attention we take it. Because we know that the next time they get deployed they may not come back, and we have two people who have long extensive injuries, and even those who don’t have psychical scars face a long uphill battle in readjusting to life, and learning to live again after their experiences at war.

 

 I also think that with time he(fbil) is probably going to ask them to back off because in our family it’s become too much for people and they ask the family to please take a big step back. Which I think may happen in your fbil case as well. Good luck!

 

Post # 6
Member
2164 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t have much to offer but I do want to say I’m sorry for what you are going through and that I’m experiencing something really similar. But I also know how it is on both ends Frown…I’m usually the favorite with my family members and I hate it because I feel like those people are a-holes for having favorites between my siblings and I know I’m not all that great and it makes me hurt for my siblings. And then with FI’s family, we’re so used to being second best that it’s all we expect from his family anymore. It’s so sad when people (especially parents) play favorites instead of appreciating how different everyone is and treating them equally.

Post # 9
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@chickspartan:  I think sometimes we feel the way we do and it is not wrong to have emotions. It is more about what you do with those emotions. While it has been a little while since FBIL has been back … It is relatively short compared to the amount of time he has been gone. Breath and it will be okay. I am sure they are happy for you and your FI. Try not tolet it get to you or else you will let it eat away at you.

Post # 11
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

I’m going to say something, and well, it might not really help.  Some parents do have favorites.  Deployment or no deployment.  I come from a big family…you can bet my mother was way more excited over the first to get married and her “baby” getting married.  She isn’t that excited about my wedding, or about some of my siblings, but I get it.  I’m not jealous of it because I know it’s her nature and she doesn’t even realize what she’s doing.  His family isn’t super excited either, but he’s not the favorite as well.  I get it, he gets it.  There are sometimes people who will outshine you at different times in your families.  I have had moments, like I’m sure you will, where you will feel that love.  It just might not be as much as the others get it, but it doesn’t mean it’s not there.  My best advice is to accept it, realize that they likely don’t even realize what they’re doing, and love them anyway because they’re family and will still be there for you.

Post # 12
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@chickspartan:  I hope you don’t think that I was implying that you were being a child :). You would have to be a robot to not feel some hurt or disappointment or whatever – I think some people have thicker skin or it is easier to state something like that when they are just an observer. Overall I think most of the other Bees have empathized with you 🙂

Post # 14
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

@chickspartan:  This is a common dynamic with many families. Your fiance’s already mentioned that Jay has always been the “favorite” – and now you’re seeing that dynamic firsthand. Remember that this isn’t about you – nor Lisa. This is about his parents’ fixation on Jay, and there’s little that you could do to change it. Some parents click better with one child than another, even if they love them both – and they’re not always good at filtering themselves and making sure it’s not so obvious to those involved.

 

My best advice is really to prepare for what lies ahead – your pregnancy being in the shadows; your wedding day being in the shadows, and so on. This is also a good opportunity to start freeing yourself from getting your in-laws’ acceptance and approval.

My husband’s sister is the favorite, and speaking candidly, I’m pretty sure my brother is the favorite in my family. Needless to say, it’s a whole lot of attention not on either of us. It gets painful to see my mother-in-law constantly doting on my SIL and her family. It cracked me up to see her post about us once on Facebook – after years of silence – and several of her friends asked, “Oh, you have another child?” lolololol.

I am sorry that you’re going through this – it’s not an enviable position. We all want love and approval – but I figure it’s best now to keep reassuring yourself that you probably won’t get it.

Post # 15
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

@chickspartan:  I can just really understand where you’re coming from.  Trust me, there have been tears and frustration on my end too over the years but I’m finally at a place of acceptance, and forgiveness too.  Just know that you are awesome though, you know it and we all know it 🙂

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