- 6 years ago
- Wedding: March 2011
Snooped in my husband’s email after marrying him and found out that, during a six-month breakup about a year into in our relationship (when I moved away for work), he had gotten back in touch over email with a previous ex-girlfriend, exchanging several emails telling her he had never loved anyone like he loved her and toying with the idea of getting back together. Worth noting: Later, when he and I got back together after the break, our relationship became much deeper than it had previously been. We were long-distance for a while until we found a way to be in the same city. We got engaged about a year after that. We love each other deeply and have a good marriage.
When I made the discovery, I confessed about my snooping and asked him about it. He said: he had been confused and lonely after our breakup; this ex-girlfriend was a person he had reconnected with in the past whenever either of them weren’t in relationships, partly because they had been in love and had a strong connection in the past (that, in some ways, persisted); and, before we had broken up and gotten back together, both of us had been holding back emotionally, so it may have been true at that time that his feelings for me weren’t yet as strong as they would become.
We were both of course really upset. We both apologized. I got over it, largely. But jealousy over this woman still nags at me.
Recently, I discovered that she messaged him on Facebook a few months ago saying that she had heard from a mutual friend that he was married and was “really freaked out” by it and misses him as a person. She said, “I understand that our romantic relationship is over, but I really want to be friends.” She congratulated him, too. He wrote back three or four days later, thanking her for the congratulations but saying it wasn’t “wise” or “a good idea” for either of them to try to be friends. It wasn’t clear whether they were referring to being Facebook friends or real friends, but I guess that doesn’t matter.
The recent exchange seems pretty reasonable on my husband’s part – it’s not surprising that someone would feel some sort of connection with an ex and would deliberately stay out of touch to avoid turning that into anything more. At the same time, I still feel jealous and betrayed, like, Shouldn’t I be the love of his life that wipes away all other loves – and shouldn’t our love be so strong that he could stay in touch with an ex without worrying that it’s not wise?
What do you guys think? And, maybe more importantly, any ideas about how to deal with this?