(Closed) Jealousy (The Ex)

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

I think you can make new memories and erase the the old ones… I and my SO have been to several places where he went with an “ex” of his… didn’t bother me because he was making a new memory with me instead.

Post # 4
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My Mr and his ex travelled on vacation to some of my favorite cities. So I took it as a personal challenge to show him a better time in those cities than he’d had before (apparently not hard to do as his ex was perfectly happy to camp out in the hotel and watch tv for the entire vacation).  You will not be walking around with ghosts of the ex and if you are, then that has nothing to do with the city and everything to do with your boyfriend having not fully gotten over the relationship, in which case it’s far better for him to finally let it go than for you as a couple to avoid everywhere in the world they went to.

Post # 5
Member
1936 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Don’t let this woman take away from the specialness (is that a word?) of your trip. I totally understand how you feel, but perhaps this is an important place for him, too. You’ll make your own memories there! I went on a trip with an ex to a town I loved (loved it before I met him) so I already formed my own attachment to it. My SO and I went there for New Years, had an amazing time, and are now discussing getting married there (eek!) I didn’t think about my ex ONCE while I was there.

Bottom line, this guy loves you and wants to take you somewhere that’s important to him. Go and make your own memories. Find things there that you two love to do… like wine tasting, hiking, etc., etc., (depending on the place)

 

Post # 6
Member
9620 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Have you thought about suggesting a different vacation destination?

Post # 7
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Oh, I can relate… We’ve already discussed our future honeymoon will be someplace neither of us has been, as he has been to Jamaica and Key West with the ex (who, funnily enough, he was off/on with for a couple of years and he was also lonely and never was attracted to her, etc. never loved her, either!) and I don’t wish to go to these places with him knowing he’s been there with her.  She is a travel agent so he was able to travel well during their time so that has bugged me, we joke that she can get us a good rate on our honeymoon package, ha! 😉

No advice, just try to enjoy it for what it is, and show him a hella better time!

Post # 9
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I know that feeling all too well. My husband and I do trips every year and in the beginning of our relationship I refused to go anywhere they had been together or that may remind him of her. I later came to realize that the excluded all of mexico…she was from mexico and I really want to go to mexico one day. He also brought up a good point to me as well…He was new to my city when we met but i’ve live here my whole life, there are restaurants and bars and place i’ve been with him that i’ve been with previous boyfriends and my mind does not wander to those moments. Its tough to let that feeling of jealousy go but try and go and enjoy your vacation together.

Always remember that they broke up for a reason! I had to keep telling myself that – if he wanted to be doing this with her he would be – instead he is doing it with me.

Post # 10
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

If I spent all my time trying to avoid places my Fi been with exes we probably never go anywhere. We all have past and the only thing you are going to do by constantly comparing you guys experiences or avoid places is cause issues with your relationship. It sounds like he moved on so let him. I think it’s awesome that you are aware that your behavior is a hundred percent fair. YOu have to make a choice to let it go!

Post # 11
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Also remember that eventually you will end up in a vacation location where you’ve been with an ex (unless you never once travelled with a different man).  If you think your boyfriend can expect you to make that theoretical trip a special one for you as a couple, and to not be re-living past trips with ex’es, then you should trust him to do the same for you.

There really is no reason to knock entire cities or regions off the map just because one of you have been there as part of a previous couple. I will admit I was a bit reluctant to stay in the same hotel where my fi had once stayed with his ex  (an old abbey in the British midlands, something of a destination/resort type of place) but his excitement to take me there was 100% because it was a lovely hotel and he wanted to share it with me, and 0% because he wanted to remember his ex. Her name never once came up and I never once felt like his mind was anywhere else but on me.

Post # 12
Member
6022 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I wish I had some better advice for you. Or any advice for that matter. But I did want to say that you should really focus on the positive. This seems so silly to me. If anything I would want to go there with him more and make sure we had a blast so in the future, if he’s ever there with or without me he would have no choice but to remember our time there. Kind of like marking it up with your relationship rather than letting it only have memories for him of his old relationship. Obviously you mean more to him than she did so this vacation there will probably stand out more to him anyway. Try and look at the glass half full.

Post # 14
Member
1705 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I can relate.  Not too long into our relationship, DH and I went skiing together and I thought it was SOOO special and romantic.  I found out later that he had taken his ex there the year before.  It just made me feel terrible, like he couldn’t even come up w/something different to do w/me.  Well, I really had to just work at focusing on OUR memories.  It WAS a special time for us, and I’d hate to ruin those memories that we made there w/worrying about him having taken his ex there, because honestly, I don’t think he was thinking of her at all when we were there.

Post # 15
Member
9620 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LilySarah:   If these thoughts keep cropping up in your mind tell yourself this:  “Jealousy over the past is a very unattractive quality in the eyes of my SO.”

Say it over and over, like a mantra.  You don’t want him to view you as being overly insecure and jealous over something he: #1 has not done wrong, and #2 is far in the past.

Jealousy should be reserved for when he screws up in this relationship with you and when he deserves it.  Wink

Bottom line is he doesn’t deserve you to give him any crap about what he did before he ever met you.

Realize that to men self-confidence is the most sexy thing ever.  Even if it bothers you while you’re there – tell yourself the statement above and don’t mention it to him again. 

Make this the best vacation anyone has ever had.  You said he’s awesome, so treat him that way.

Post # 16
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@LilySarah:  Yep, definitely part of the problem unfortunately. But do you go to restaurants with your boyfriend where you went with previous boyfriends at least?  If so, I’m pretty sure that you can even order the same menu choices time and time again without being reminded of your ex.

As you get older, especially if you travel more, the whole ritual of travel gets a lot less special, and it becomes more about what you do together than the setting, city or hotel. Those first few trips, or maybe a dozen, or however many, you will be on pins and needles over every last tiny detail.  That’s because it’s new and exciting.  Over time, though, those details really start to mean a lot less.  At this point, when my fi and I travel, it’s a freakin miracle if we’re packed 4 hours before we leave or if we have a single activity/excursion booked.  We once had the taxi take us to the wrong hotel because we just didn’t check before we got in the cab!  So you will find that all these things are not what makes the trip special. it’s what you do together, and the memories you create, that matter.  If he no longer finds the memories of his trip with his ex to be special then you have nothing to worry about.

Travel is way too fun and important to get caught up in all these details.

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