(Closed) Jealousy…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
5498 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Are you jealous just because he is spending time with his family while you are out working and such? If you’re not sure when you’ll be home, it shouldn’t be an isdsue for him to spend time with the people he loves.  It doesn’t mean he’s picking them over you. I also think Sunday dinner is a nice tradition. You should talk to your FI about how you are feeling. Did all of this stem from his mom’s comment? Maybe she’s not trying to make the house into a bachelor pad, and it’s just something she thought you both would like and didn’t say it the right way. The only way you can figure this out is to have a talk about it. I am also wondering why you haven’t moved in yet? Good Luck. =)

Post # 5
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t know if these things are a big deal, but that’s okay. You’re allowed to feel jealous and you don’t have to justify it. What matters is how you act. I would let go of the date night thing and the headboard. Is there a reason you aren’t moving into your home for 8 months?

I would be a little sad about the moving in part because I would want to do it as a couple, but you can still have that special experience when you move in there.

Maybe instead of waiting for him to say something about why he’s doing stuff be proactive and bring it up yourself.

 

Post # 6
Member
24 posts
Newbee

this doesn’t strike me as a jealousy issue.  i see where you’re coming from, but it seems more like an interference thing (issue with the headboard).  i think you should talk to your fiance about that and make sure you’re on the same page that while you appreciate your in-laws input, it’s ultimately your house as a couple and you would like to decorate as like.

as far as eating dinner with his family, it still doesn’t seem like a jealousy issue, but rather what you want to do with your time together.  let him know that you’d appreciate it if you plan things together instead instead of making up your minds to do things w/o consulting each other, especially now that you’re engaged.

i hope that makes sense!

Post # 9
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Actually, that might bother me too.

The key thing for me was that he just consults his family on major decisions, and then informs you what he (they?) have decided.  That kinda sends a signal that his family comes first, and that you are not part of his family.  Imagine if you treated him the same way – he would totally feel excluded!

If he were a bit more inclusive, then i’m sure you’d embrace his family even more than you already have and these issues would start to melt away?

Good luck!!

Post # 10
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

This is just me, but I would be really upset about not being able to move into the house. I feel kind of the same way at the moment – I just moved into my husband’s place while we wait to close on our new flat, and it just doesn’t feel like my house at all. I know once we move into the new place I’ll settle in and feel at home once more.

You have good reasons for not moving into the house (although you might want to note that this is an example of you pleasing your parents over yourself/your fiance!), but there’s a territorial thing that we go through with homes. It’s “your” place, but not really, because you don’t live there yet. That’s probably why you’re jealous, and that’s probably why things that didn’t bug you so much before, like the Sunday dinners, are really bugging you now.

Maybe you can move some of your stuff into the new place now? Or you could pick out some new furniture with your fiance, that’s both of yours? It might help make it feel like your place – for you, your fiance, and his family – if you invest some time in decorating it so it’s beautiful and homey for the both of you.

Post # 11
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I don’t think the mother was trying to interfere.  I think it is just a mom thing to want to help out their kids.  MY FI’s mom does the same thing.  And honestly my FI lets it go in one ear and out the other because it isn’t his style either.  As for going to dinner and such with the family I see his side.  My family lives 10 minutes from me, the FI’s parents are an hour away.  So naturally I make plans with my family before consulting the FI.  I’ve tried to be better about because he’s mentioned to me that he is leaving his parents out.  So just talk to your FI about doing things alone and with your parents.  He’ll understand.  Also you might start moving your things into your house or start painting rooms.  Do something to help you feel like it is your home too…

Post # 13
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I see where you are coming from. My husband lives 12 hours away but we bought a house in 2008. It is *my* house even though it is *our* house. I don’t ask him before I do stuff to it, like paint a wall or put up a picture frame or add new drapes. I just do it and say “hey i covered up the beige with cranberry it looks great!” and he never cares. Granted, guys don’t care as much as girls. Just let him know that you want your opinions considered since you will be moving in, too. But keep in mind what Vintage said, it’s kind of going both ways whether or not you realize it, even though he may not be taking it as personally as you are. Jealousy’s not the right word, but I know *that* feeling and what you are talking about. You should never feel second fiddle to his family. I was always raised that when you ask someone to marry you, you have officially given your significant other the #1 spot in your life. When DH comes home, there are always these *assumed family dinners* too but i’ve simply told him not to expect me to always be able to go. Basically sometimes i have better things to do and if i’m not around, I don’t care if he wants to go get some good grub and get his family time in without me. For me it would be nice if we got to experience some things *alone* too but life doesn’t always work like that. It’s easier when it’s your own family but not so much when it’s your in-laws. Not sure why! Maybe he thinks you are too busy to be bothered with lots of these decisions so he just asks his parents? I know when to bug DH about stuff and when not too and vice versa.

 

Post # 14
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

negotiating boundaries with parents is a very real thing, so don’t feel “silly” about feeling jealous! it’s a really natural feeling. at some point in the relationship, a couple becomes the primary collective unit, even with each other’s families. that doesn’t mean you have to do everything together, but it should mean he thinks of your perspective when making decisions that affect both of you. for example, my bf and i live about a 15 minute drive from his parents. we’re close, we see them all the time, often for sunday night dinners as well. his parents, especially his mom, have this (imo) annoying habit of presenting their opinions and advice as absolute fact that we have to follow. especially when it comes to our puppy. it drives me crazy! so lately, bf and i have been actively talking about how we can confront the issue and explain, either through words or just through a united front, that while we appreciate her advice, we need to make these decisions together (and she can’t tell us what to do in the same way she used to just tell her son). which means a change on bf’s part as well–rather than asking them what to do outright about something, and then following it blindly, he needs to talk to me about it and we need to make the decisions together. it took him a little while to understand my perspective, and it’s kind of like breaking a habit, it’s hard! but, eventually it won’t be questions about the dog– it’ll be bigger questions, like about the wedding and about babies, etc. and he gets that. my brother and SIL similarly live close to my parents, and similarly are constantly working about setting boundaries. i actually think they take it to the extreme, and are unfair to my parents, but that’s a different story….

anyway, that was a very, very long way of saying, i think what you’re feeling is a totally legitimate and common feeling! it’s not about the specific issues, it’s about generally feeling like your fi isn’t taking you’re perspective into consideration. i would talk to him about it, and figure out a way to work on seeing yourselves as a team, even when interacting with the parents.

Post # 15
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

I understand what you’re talking about.  You, especially, being in nursing school, have very little free time and when you do, you want to spend that time with your fiance.  I would kind of express to him that you really want to spend time together as a couple and if he is planning on doing things with his family, could he see if it’s okay (if it’s your normal date night).  I’m not saying that he has to answer to you necessarily, but I’m sure you would do the same thing for him.  In regards to his mother, she shouldn’t have said that to him about the headboard.  I think she’s testing the waters to see how far she can go and how much she can still influence her little boy.  Only, she has to recognize that he is a man about to get married, not her ‘baby’ anymore!

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