Post # 1
Ok, here’s what is going on. I have been with my fiance for 3 years – we are getting married next year. I have never been the jealous kind, in our relationship. After going through a terrible relationship previously, I knew I did not want jealousy to interfere in mine and my fiance’s relationship. Here lately, though, I have become so jealous of his family.
We recently just bought a new house – taking advantage of the first time home buyers stimulus. He’s been living there for about 2 weeks – I still live with my parents. Ever since he has moved out I have become something I did not want to be. It all started with his first move in day – I wasn’t able to help him because I work on weekends. Naturally, his family stepped in and helped him get it taken care of. I was thankful, of course, but on the other hand I was kind of sad that we didn’t get to experience that together. Being that it is our first home. So, I let that slide off my back and not worry about it. A few days later, while we are over at his parents house – talking with his mother – she mentioned that she saw this really cool headboard the other day on some HGTV show that my FI could make it to make the house look masculine. I’m sitting there, and the first thing that goes through my mind, is “WHYY?”. I know I am not living in our home yet, but it still is just that…OUR HOME. Why would she be trying to “bachelor pad” out our future house. I mean she has to know that we have ideas as to how to design our home to fit both our styles – not just make it a bachelor pad for 8 months. So, I let that slide off my back as well. Not saying anything to my FI – still feeling like his family is perceiving this house as HIS and not OURS.
So, the next thing that is bothering me is the feeling that my FI is putting his family before me. I went out of town with my mom and sister (before my sister went back to college), and was gone for the night – I was coming back on a Friday and naturally assumed that we would go on our normal “date night”. He tells me that he is going to dinner with his family. I’m like ok – I don’t know what time exactly I will be back anyways, so whatever. Then he tells me that he is also going to eat dinner with his family Sunday night, as well. At this point I am a little confused – he never talks to me about it, he never says anything other than “this is what I am going to do”. It made me feel like, this is what I’m doing, and if you want to spend time with me then you can come too. We have eaten dinner with his family like every Sunday for the past 2 years. I love doing it, don’t get me wrong, but some weeks it would be nice to not have to do it – of course if I want to see him, then that’s what I will be doing (unless I want to start a fight). I just feel like it’s always – this is what I’m doing with my family – no discussion, no hey what about having dinner with my family, no warning (other than a day or two before).
I just want to know if I’m being stupid, or if I have the right to feel this way? I feel kind of stupid, but normally I would not act like this – as I have never in the past 3 years, up until now. I want to know what’s wrong with me, so I can fix it. I can’t go on living like this – it’s killing me being jealous of his family.
Post # 3
I want to add that our new house is about an hour from my parent’s house. He works 40 hours a week, and I am in my senior year of nursing school and work on the weekends. The days we do see each other we may spend 3-4 hours together – including weekend days, as I do not get home from work until after 6, and he usually starts heading home around 10 because we are both so tired all the time (and he still has an hour drive back to our house).
Post # 4
Are you jealous just because he is spending time with his family while you are out working and such? If you’re not sure when you’ll be home, it shouldn’t be an isdsue for him to spend time with the people he loves. It doesn’t mean he’s picking them over you. I also think Sunday dinner is a nice tradition. You should talk to your FI about how you are feeling. Did all of this stem from his mom’s comment? Maybe she’s not trying to make the house into a bachelor pad, and it’s just something she thought you both would like and didn’t say it the right way. The only way you can figure this out is to have a talk about it. I am also wondering why you haven’t moved in yet? Good Luck. =)
Post # 5
I don’t know if these things are a big deal, but that’s okay. You’re allowed to feel jealous and you don’t have to justify it. What matters is how you act. I would let go of the date night thing and the headboard. Is there a reason you aren’t moving into your home for 8 months?
I would be a little sad about the moving in part because I would want to do it as a couple, but you can still have that special experience when you move in there.
Maybe instead of waiting for him to say something about why he’s doing stuff be proactive and bring it up yourself.
Post # 6
this doesn’t strike me as a jealousy issue. i see where you’re coming from, but it seems more like an interference thing (issue with the headboard). i think you should talk to your fiance about that and make sure you’re on the same page that while you appreciate your in-laws input, it’s ultimately your house as a couple and you would like to decorate as like.
as far as eating dinner with his family, it still doesn’t seem like a jealousy issue, but rather what you want to do with your time together. let him know that you’d appreciate it if you plan things together instead instead of making up your minds to do things w/o consulting each other, especially now that you’re engaged.
i hope that makes sense!
Post # 7
No, my jealously does not come from his spending time while I am working and/or doing school work – it comes from him spending time with his family when I have a free day. I really like that he spends time with his family when I am doing things – I am not trying to break their bond or anything. I actually really like his family – which is why I cannot figure out why I suddenly have begun to be jealous of them.
I talked to my FI about some of this stuff. He seemed to be pretty understanding, but nothing he said seemed to ease my frustrations. I really do not like feeling like this. I guess I just wanted another point of view. We have had conversations before, and even he has made the suggestion that sometimes he puts his family in front of me. It’s not something, I don’t think, that I’m just making up. He see’s it too – yet it still continues to happen. He is the type of person that wants to make everyone happy – no matter what. Sometimes in making his mom happy (because she is a bit of a control freak), he hurts my feelings. I feel like I have to take the brunt of it because he doesn’t want to piss his mom off ever. If you knew her, you would understand. :/
Sunday traditions are nice, and like I said earlier I really do like going over there. Some weeks, when it has been busy, and we haven’t seen each other much, it would just be nice to be alone together. I definitely don’t want to stop the tradition, but in that tradition I feel like his mom more or less expects us to be there, instead of appreciates us being there. Once again, if you knew his mom you would understand 🙂
Reading all this back I feel like I’m just being silly. It is something I have been ok with for 3 years – I guess I just figured that us getting married soon things would change. That instead of saying “this is what I’m doing”, it would be more of “what do we want to do”.
P.S. The reason I haven’t moved in is because my parents would freak. They are very tradition. I would LOVE to live with my FI, but I decided to put their feelings in front of my own about it. I don’t want to make anyone mad – we will be married soon enough.
Post # 8
Maybe jealously wasn’t the right word – I have just been having feelings lately that I have never had in our relationship.
Bamboo – you are right, I am a little sad about not getting to experience that together, and maybe that’s where all these feelings are steming from. We wanted to take advantage of the gov. stimulus, and since we are not getting married until spring 2010 (because we wanted me to finish school), it just didn’t make sense to be paying rent on a house that no one was living in.
Thanks everyone for the comments!
Post # 9
Actually, that might bother me too.
The key thing for me was that he just consults his family on major decisions, and then informs you what he (they?) have decided. That kinda sends a signal that his family comes first, and that you are not part of his family. Imagine if you treated him the same way – he would totally feel excluded!
If he were a bit more inclusive, then i’m sure you’d embrace his family even more than you already have and these issues would start to melt away?
Post # 10
This is just me, but I would be really upset about not being able to move into the house. I feel kind of the same way at the moment – I just moved into my husband’s place while we wait to close on our new flat, and it just doesn’t feel like my house at all. I know once we move into the new place I’ll settle in and feel at home once more.
You have good reasons for not moving into the house (although you might want to note that this is an example of you pleasing your parents over yourself/your fiance!), but there’s a territorial thing that we go through with homes. It’s “your” place, but not really, because you don’t live there yet. That’s probably why you’re jealous, and that’s probably why things that didn’t bug you so much before, like the Sunday dinners, are really bugging you now.
Maybe you can move some of your stuff into the new place now? Or you could pick out some new furniture with your fiance, that’s both of yours? It might help make it feel like your place – for you, your fiance, and his family – if you invest some time in decorating it so it’s beautiful and homey for the both of you.
Post # 11
I don’t think the mother was trying to interfere. I think it is just a mom thing to want to help out their kids. MY FI’s mom does the same thing. And honestly my FI lets it go in one ear and out the other because it isn’t his style either. As for going to dinner and such with the family I see his side. My family lives 10 minutes from me, the FI’s parents are an hour away. So naturally I make plans with my family before consulting the FI. I’ve tried to be better about because he’s mentioned to me that he is leaving his parents out. So just talk to your FI about doing things alone and with your parents. He’ll understand. Also you might start moving your things into your house or start painting rooms. Do something to help you feel like it is your home too…
Post # 12
Thanks everyone, really. I think you are all right. I do think this is all just coming from me not being able to move into our home yet – feeling like it’s not my house. I am normally such an easy-going person, so I really hope I’m not like this until we are married. Hopefully, now that I’ve recognized what’s going on I can fix it.
Post # 13
I see where you are coming from. My husband lives 12 hours away but we bought a house in 2008. It is *my* house even though it is *our* house. I don’t ask him before I do stuff to it, like paint a wall or put up a picture frame or add new drapes. I just do it and say “hey i covered up the beige with cranberry it looks great!” and he never cares. Granted, guys don’t care as much as girls. Just let him know that you want your opinions considered since you will be moving in, too. But keep in mind what Vintage said, it’s kind of going both ways whether or not you realize it, even though he may not be taking it as personally as you are. Jealousy’s not the right word, but I know *that* feeling and what you are talking about. You should never feel second fiddle to his family. I was always raised that when you ask someone to marry you, you have officially given your significant other the #1 spot in your life. When DH comes home, there are always these *assumed family dinners* too but i’ve simply told him not to expect me to always be able to go. Basically sometimes i have better things to do and if i’m not around, I don’t care if he wants to go get some good grub and get his family time in without me. For me it would be nice if we got to experience some things *alone* too but life doesn’t always work like that. It’s easier when it’s your own family but not so much when it’s your in-laws. Not sure why! Maybe he thinks you are too busy to be bothered with lots of these decisions so he just asks his parents? I know when to bug DH about stuff and when not too and vice versa.
Post # 14
negotiating boundaries with parents is a very real thing, so don’t feel “silly” about feeling jealous! it’s a really natural feeling. at some point in the relationship, a couple becomes the primary collective unit, even with each other’s families. that doesn’t mean you have to do everything together, but it should mean he thinks of your perspective when making decisions that affect both of you. for example, my bf and i live about a 15 minute drive from his parents. we’re close, we see them all the time, often for sunday night dinners as well. his parents, especially his mom, have this (imo) annoying habit of presenting their opinions and advice as absolute fact that we have to follow. especially when it comes to our puppy. it drives me crazy! so lately, bf and i have been actively talking about how we can confront the issue and explain, either through words or just through a united front, that while we appreciate her advice, we need to make these decisions together (and she can’t tell us what to do in the same way she used to just tell her son). which means a change on bf’s part as well–rather than asking them what to do outright about something, and then following it blindly, he needs to talk to me about it and we need to make the decisions together. it took him a little while to understand my perspective, and it’s kind of like breaking a habit, it’s hard! but, eventually it won’t be questions about the dog– it’ll be bigger questions, like about the wedding and about babies, etc. and he gets that. my brother and SIL similarly live close to my parents, and similarly are constantly working about setting boundaries. i actually think they take it to the extreme, and are unfair to my parents, but that’s a different story….
anyway, that was a very, very long way of saying, i think what you’re feeling is a totally legitimate and common feeling! it’s not about the specific issues, it’s about generally feeling like your fi isn’t taking you’re perspective into consideration. i would talk to him about it, and figure out a way to work on seeing yourselves as a team, even when interacting with the parents.
Post # 15
I understand what you’re talking about. You, especially, being in nursing school, have very little free time and when you do, you want to spend that time with your fiance. I would kind of express to him that you really want to spend time together as a couple and if he is planning on doing things with his family, could he see if it’s okay (if it’s your normal date night). I’m not saying that he has to answer to you necessarily, but I’m sure you would do the same thing for him. In regards to his mother, she shouldn’t have said that to him about the headboard. I think she’s testing the waters to see how far she can go and how much she can still influence her little boy. Only, she has to recognize that he is a man about to get married, not her ‘baby’ anymore!