Post # 1
FH heard it through the family grapevine that his older brother would be wearing jeans to our wedding. We’ve asked his parents to address it, offering to go shopping with him, etc.
There has been no confusion on anyone else’s part about the formality of this wedding. Our invites were very formal and intricate. It’s an evening wedding. We’ve been planning for over 2 years so it’s not like this is a last minute party we’ve thrown together. We’ve set (and exceeded :/) a $15k budget. It’s obviously not a place for jeans.
FH messages him tonight to see where things stand. Conversation went like this:
FH: did you find anything to wear to the wedding yet? I know your suit was way too big recently
BIL: my suit’S too big. I’m wearing a white button down and dark jeans.
FH: I would suggest against jeans. You’ll be the only one wearing them if you did.Figured you didn’t want to stick out in the photos
BIL: Those jeans are better than plain old khaki’s like everyone else is gonna have on, and I highly doubt I’ll wear a tie.
(Insert me screaming- he knows 4 people attending, what makes him think everyone will wear khakis?!)
FH: everyone else will have a suit on. You can wear whatever you’d like. I was just suggesting dressing up like everyone else
BIL: Shirt is 30$ from Sears and jeans were 50$ Levis.
95% sure I won’t be only person without a suit. Actually, even 97% sure.
(Me yelling about how he doesn’t know what strangers will wear again)
FH: I’m going to suggest pants and a shirt and tie. Everyone else in the family is going to be dressed up and while everyone won’t be wearing a full suit, I can promise you’ll be the only one in jeans. This isn’t just a picnic in someone’s backyard. It’s a wedding we put a lot of money into it.
BIL: by family pictures you mean mom and dad? Feel free to go shopping for me, I wouldn’t want to embarrass you
I can’t even handle it bees. Oh, your jeans were $50 so they are obviously acceptable at a formal occasion. you wouldn’t want to out dress the brides $1500 dress now would you? I don’t even know what to do with this. I do not want family photos with the guy who just threw on some jeans last minute standing in the back row. I don’t want him helping us at the venue looking like a vendor sent his son to help instead. I’m really upset, more so about how unreasonable he is. This isn’t the first problem we’ve had to address with him regarding our wedding. any suggestions?
Post # 3
Any chance he’s got a SO in his life to set him straight lol? Some guys are just clueless, even more so if it’s their first wedding.
Post # 4
Ugh that guy sounds annoying! Sorry…I have no advice!
Post # 5
@sofialovesmikey: Ok, wow, I would FLIP. A random guest, fine can’t do anything about that. Your BIL, who will be in many many pictures, who knows how important this day is, insits on wearing jeans…. yeah….. I would have a serious problem with that. The part that would anger me the most, how that conversation went, seriously? That little passive aggresive guilt trip at the end would make me turn into a “bridezilla” in the blink of an eye (personally I don’t feel it would be irrational at all hence the “)
What’s his problem??? It’s his little brother’s wedding for crying out loud!!!! Ugh, what a jerk. Has he ever gone to a wedding before? Is there any reason for him being a little kid about this? Personally, I would feel as if he were undermining the whole event, not just the wedding but the whole marriage deal, as in: “you guys commiting to each othr for life is kinda important so I’ll wear my good pair of jeans but not dress pants, it’s not like you were elected president or anything important”. Maybe he’s trying to piss you off on purpose? And who does he think is wearing khakis?!?!
Unfortunately I think there is three ways to deal with this:
1. Have FFIL simply coerce him into wearing appropriate clothing.
2. Have a serious talk about how disrespectful and a douchebag move that would be
3. Let him know that unless he dresses up he would be cordially invited to not attend the wedding (although I’m angry about guests of my own right now and would LOVE to do this, so that might be some transference lol)
Post # 6
@sofialovesmikey: Have you thought maybe he can’t afford to get anything new and this is the most formal thing he has right now? I know it’s frustrating, but maybe you should toss the ‘guys don’t know about clothes lol’ stereotypes aside for a moment and think about your FBIL’s side of this.
Maybe he is just clueless about clothes and your rage over his attire has embarassed and upset him. If you’re really concerned about this then call him up and nicely offer to take him shopping for something to wear. If you can’t take him then get your FMIL or FFIL to do it. There are plenty of ways around this but offending FBIL and making him feel dumb is not going to help.
Post # 7
On the day of, I guarentee you won’t notice if he shows up naked.
It’s going to go by too fast for you to even care.
Post # 8
@sofialovesmikey: Unfortunately when people are like this they can NOT be changed, persuaded, convinced, bribed etc….
My FI’s brother came back to Michigan for his second marriage (because when he got married the first time he didn’t even tell his family until 2 weeks after the fact) he now lives 2000 miles away, so it was a destination wedding. They got married on Mackinaw Island, which is absolutely beautiful, and his mom and sister both wore jean capri’s, but his sister wore a HARLEY t-shirt!!!
This is a picture of where they got married. (Off of the hotels website, not personal) And HUGE, sorry!
Post # 9
@sofialovesmikey: Our wedding cost over $75,000, was VERY formal, in the evening and I had had several conversations with close friends about the dress code…it was even indicated on our wedding website that jeans and khakis were a no no. That being said the DH of one of my close friends showed up in jeans. I was annoyed when I saw him but just had to let it go.
The budget, location, time or warnings don’t matter. People will wear what they want regardless of how inappropriate it is. It really is obnoxious but just can’t be helped.
Post # 10
@sofialovesmikey: It sucks, but you can’t force him to wear a suit. Just like you can’t force him to attend.
He’ll look out of place, but that’s his problem.
Since he’ll be wearing a button down shirt (not a T shirt), I don’t think he’ll look too bad in the photos.
I think you’ve said all you can say, and it’s time to stop worrying and let this one go.
Post # 11
@Hyperventilate: “On the day of, I guarentee you won’t notice if he shows up naked.
It’s going to go by too fast for you to even care.”
This! You can ask him nicely, you can tell him, but at the end of the day he’s going to do what he’s going to do and if it looks bad it’s on him not you. Pick your battles, there’s plenty of them and who needs more stress for a wedding!
Personally, I told people (who asked what to wear) what we were wearing and told them I didn’t care what they wore as long as they showed up but didn’t show up naked. I think I’d have noticed that, though if they ran naked past us in the ceremony itself I probably wouldn’t have noticed! 🙂
Post # 12
@Ruby-Redshoes: he doesn’t work and is proud to tell people that he chose spending time with his daughter instead if working. His mom and dad supplement his life in every way possible, and he is not ashamed to tell anyone about it. He has no problems calling them up asking for anything, including cigarettes and junk food. I can’t imagine they would turn him down to look nice for a big occasion they already spend loads of money on.
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
It sounds like you’ve done everything you can to dissuade him and it hasn’t worked. I would suggest just letting it go at this point. When you look back on your wedding prep, do you want to remember happy anticipation, or being all pissed about one persn’s potential outfit? I know it’s irritating, but is just not worth it
PS, we spent $17,000 on our wedding, there were a handful of guys in jeans, and I hardly noticed / did not care. I was too blissfully happy to get caught up in that kind of minutiae. Hope you have the same experience!
Post # 14
@sofialovesmikey: He sounds irritating as hell. I guess the only good thing is that there won’t be *too* many pics with him since he isn’t in the bridal party. Someone wore ivory to my wedding which I think is rude, but I actually only recently noticed because of photos & I don’t even care lol. It only sort of “ruined/messed up” 2 pics 😛
Post # 15
@sofialovesmikey: He’ll look like a fool, and you’ll be vindicated that he looks like a fool. Be glad you’re marrying the good son, it sounds like your FI handled the situation beautifully 🙂
Post # 16
Cheers to your FI for being so diplomatic and trying to arrange the situation! However, it sounds like his brother is just trying to annoy you, stress you out, or make sure the day isn’t perfect lol. maybe he just doesn’t want his brother to be happier than him? anyway, make sure he is in the back row so that his pants don’t show on the pictures :). good luck!