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Hello there and an early congrats to you! Here's what I can offer ...
I'm Catholic, my fiance was raised Protestant. His family is very clear and vocal about their views of the Catholic Church, Catholics in general, etc. Bias aside, they truly are misinformed/igorant, but nothing I say will change that. We've been together almost 8 years and yes, it's been a hard road. My family has embraced him as a son and is happy I'm marrying someone with great values. We're getting married in the Catholic Church. It won't be a full mass, but I'm very excited and happy about the way it's worked out. Did I worry that his family might not even show up that day of the wedding if it were in a Catholic church? Yes. A million times. I still worry about it. But you have to do what is right for you an your fiance, a hundred times over. My fiance was very open to this church and honestly, we both really enjoyed pre cana and our meetings with the priest who will marry us.
I almost made the mistake of giving in to guilt and what-ifs and all those emotions of feeling not good enough and a disappointment to my future in-laws. At the end of the day, it's the two of you. A family unit. I'm so happy we were able to work through this together. I'm at peace with the decision. Whatever happens 10 months from now, we'll still be married and married the way we wanted to be. Best of luck to you - I truly know what you're going through and it's very hard. HUGS!
you are awesome...I literally breathed a sigh of relief while reading your optimistic post. thanks so much. I wish you oodles of luck as well!
DH is Southern Baptist, I am Catholic. We had the same issue but ultimately went with a Catholic Wedding outside of mass because it was important to me and DH realized that. His family wasn't thrilled but it really didn't matter the day of the actual wedding. The biggest opponent was his grandma, she has called me horrible things and even though she thinks I'm nice she has a hard time accepting me because I'm going to hell. But ya know what she's 90-something years old, nothing I say will change her views so I just deal with it. Good Luck with her!!
Maybe you could have 2 weddings? Have one in the Catholic church and then have one maybe outside, or at the JOP for his family so that they will be able to see you too. You could do it the same day or wait. But that could be a possible compromise!
Good luck and congrats!!
Can you have both? I have a good friend who had a religious ceremony on Friday (it was a Catholic ceremony) and then had a civil ceremony in a garden before her reception on Saturday.
Or if she won't come to your Catholic ceremony, can you just have his family come to the reception? (I'm not too sure on Jehovah's Witness beliefs, but don't they not believe in big parties though??)
"I'm always at mass alone, and it makes me sad!"
"So my issue is this: I view marriage as the sacrament that it is. Which means I must marry in the church."
I think your answer about the type of wedding you should have really is found in the statements you made above.
Also, I know you did not ask for input on this. However, as someone who has made some very difficult and painful choices in my life just to be true to my faith, I want to encourage you to really consider whether or not you really will be able to be content with what your FI is offering you (only going to church with you on holidays.) Do you really want to be sad when you are at church alone 50 Sundays out of the year, every year? Will your FI really be supportive of your children's faith following yours? Or will this major difference in your lives end up causing some very painful challenges for you in the future?
My intent is not at all to upset you. However, I would rather say something now to encourage someone to really think about the long-term implications of such a marriage before the person is married rather than to read of her sorrow and grief after she is married and is trying to raise her children in a divided home. I personally broke my first engagement over a difference in faith, even though my ex FI and I were both Christians. In the spirit of happy endings, I can tell you that I had to wait a LONG time to finally meet DH, but he was worth the wait!
@Lorsee: PM me anytime you need to vent or if you find yourself wanting to scream "you know, he could have done a lot worse than ME for a fiancee!!!" :)
@PinkMagnolia: I think Jehovah's Witnesses are allowed to have parties in general, but not to celebrate birthdays or any holidays with elements from other religions or Paganism (which is pretty much all holidays). They do have weddings.
My FFIL was disowned from his family for many years after leaving Jehovah's Witnesses; it's such a rough position to be in. OP, do you think that his family would come to the wedding if it was a civil service? It would be miserable to cancel the Catholic ceremony you want only to have them not attend anyway.
@Lorsee: DH's family are JW's. They will not go into a church, for any reason.
Does he care if they are there? His opinion is the only one that matters.
My DH wanted his family there. So the decision was made.
@PinkMagnolia: They beleive in huge parties actually. Since they only celebrate wedding anniversaries, they tend to have large celebrations for them.
though I'm sure it was the last thing you needed, that grandma sounds like years and years worth of good wedding story fodder!
I'm glad everything worked out for you guys...it bums me out that religion only intensifies and already tense situation.
Could you do a small civil ceremony and celebrate with both families, then go for a convalidation after and have only the Catholics in attendance? I feel like that is a way of respecting his mom's religious beliefs without setting aside your own. Heck, if you did a lunch reception you could probably get your priest to do the convalidation later on the same day!
I am an inactive Jehovah's Witness and was raised as one my entire life. I am now a confirmed Catholic, mostly because my fiance's family are very devout Catholics and we want to raise our children with some religion.
My parents, who are active Jehovah's Witnesses, are not coming to our Catholic wedding. They will not set foot in another church.
This was an INCREDIBLY difficult decision for me, but I had to draw the line somewhere. They do not celebrate birthdays or holidays, so their involvment in our children's lives will be minimal at best. I couldn't handle constantly bending over backwards to make them happy, when they clearly are not interested in compromising or meeting me half way. I've just accepted that these are their beliefs and I, as a grown adult, have mine.
I think you need to have a conversation with your FI about what is important to the two of you as a couple. You are starting your own life together and your own family, so it's really about what YOU want.
Feel free to PM if you want to talk more! I have SO much more I could say about this subject, LOL.
I want to chime in with a slightly different perspective. I don't know if this will help, BUT it might provide some consolation, LOL.
My fiance and I are both Catholic. I'm here to say that, even if you DO share the same religion, there are disagreements about children and plenty of compromises to be made. It's tricky no matter what, so do not doubt yourself or be hard on yourself.
My fiance and I disagree about issues within our Catholic faith, so I can see how your situation is hard--I know mine is a little different, but we've had difficult conversations about religion and we're both presumably 'Catholic.'
About your MOL. I'm so sorry you are afraid that she may not even show up at all. The truth is: people make choices, and if she chooses not to be there that day, she is making a choice for herself that she will likely regret. Changing YOUR mind about your wedding day and making concessions to please her kind of sets you up for a lifetime of 'in-law pleasing' and it does not set a good tone for the day of your wedding---the first day that you start a mini-family with your fiance.
As for having 2 ceremonies, I think that could be a great compromise. Just remember that you can't please everyone, so please yourself.
One of my managers is a Witness and I asked her about the catholic thing and she told me that She would come no matter what.... I can't see her putting her church life on the line for some girl that she works with so... I think it might depend on the church?
Could you have 2 ceremonys? Have a small ceremony before the catholic wedding, and then do the mass?
@Lorsee: I'd recommend you talk to a priest about the family dynamics and get clarity and council on the entire issue. As a Catholic, the only way to validly marry a person is to marry within the Catholic Church. To marry outside of it would ban you from receiving additional sacraments until you had your marriage convalidated.
This issue with his family and with your boyfriend's attitude toward religion will continue throughout your marriage: when you have children, when you seek your children to be baptized, etc. The Catholic Church is very strict, and it may get to your boyfriend over time as you come across more and more requirements. This is just the first step. You don't want this to turn into a battle between your loyality to God and your loyality to your husband. Your husband should support you in your faith and you have to understand there will be plenty of other opportunities where practicing your faith may cause a wedge with your in laws. Consider this and pray about it. Ask God for His guidence.
God bless.
thank you all so much for your replies...this was such a difficult situation, and it helped to see so many different perspectives.
FI's mom straight out told him they will not enter any building with idols. So. There goes that. I knew from the beginning this was probably how it would be, but I was hoping she would make an exception for her first born son. Apparently I hoped for too much.
There is NO WAY I will marry with all of my family present, and all of FI's extended family present, with an absent mother, father, sister, and brother.
We talked with the church, and they basically said the catholic church's doors are open to everyone, of all beliefs, or lack there of. But that we have no control over what other religions allow or do not allow...letting us know it's up to us how to proceed.
We've decided to marry on Halloween in Cancun...just him and I. We are super excited, and his mother's decision to not attend the wedding helped us get to where we are now. We plan on throwing a big celebratory dinner with 140 of our closest friends and relatives, and sincerely hope his immediate family will attend.
We thought about 2 ceremonies, but bottom line is he's not close to his mom or step-dad at all...they've kind of shunned him since he left the JW's. His mom has always been nice to me...but we have no relationship. I think I've been invited to his parent's house 2 times in the 3 years we've dated. I know his aunts and uncles much better than I know his parents. I don't really feel inclined to have 2 weddings, because the non-religious ceremony would be solely for his family. Wow. That probably just sounded really cold...but it's amazing how her direct approach to not attending our wedding, has empowered me to be direct as well!
@Lorsee: I'm curious, since it doesn't seem you explicitly said this. When you marry in Cancun, did you decide if it will be a Catholic ceremony?
I'm glad you were able to come to a decision that makes sense for you and your FI and is what the two of you want. And FWIW, you were right to put your foot down and not give them what they want ... they will NEVER change, so it would never be good enough, sadly :( This is why I wanted to elope too, but in the end we are going through the whole big Catholic wedding without my parents being there. it is what it is!
@joy2011: We are marrying at the catholic chapel on the beach at the Gran Caribe. My priest was sceptical about an all inclusive resort having a Vatican approved location...he called the bishop in Mexico personally to find out for sure. We barely got my priests approval last week! So catholic wedding in Mexico, and party back home.
If anything, I've learned the JWs are very consistent with their rules...and I respect that. I don't Understand it, but I am working on not taking it personally. I applaud your decision to create a day for you and your husband-to-be, the way you want it...because when it comes down to it, the celebration is all about you and him anyway! I hope your day is all you wish for and more!
I just wanted to chime in as one of Jehovah's Witnesses, I don’t wish to offend anyone or preach but just to provide a bit of clarity. It’s not true that you will be disfellowshipped for stepping foot in a church. In most cases you will not be disfellowshipped or excommunicated immediately, but they will work with you to correct certain actions. When you commit a sin you are not automatically kicked out. It is not a sin to step foot in a church.
There are however principals that govern our decisions. We all have free will and a conscience and are capable of making our own decisions, it’s not a cult. We believe God does not approve of people worshipping him anyway they decide, and the churches are home to religions who’s teachings are not in line with what he wants us to do. (For example in some churches it’s ok to get divorced because you’re just not happy, but the bible says only in the case of adultery should you be divorced and remarried) Because we believe that God will put an end to people who are teaching things not in the bible are warned to have nothing to do with false teachings. (For example we would not go to a Birthday party because of the pagan background in that type of celebration stems from people worshiping false gods and themselves instead of the one true God)
Each of us has to take that information and decide how to apply it in our lives. For my family, we attend weddings and funerals in the church. If we feel uncomfortable during anytime we will quietly step out until what is being said is over and return. I know many other Jehovah’s Witnesses who attend funerals of their friends families in churches to support them, usually it’s just during the viewing before the preaching takes place and they will meet up later when the family is eating after the funeral to bring food. Limited contact with people who have strayed from the religion is another conscience matter. For some it does not affect their relationship with God, for others it does. Its a personal choice and you just have to hope your making God happy with your actions. We are not to make other feels bad about what they choose to do or to make them feel because I did something its ok for you to do so.
It sounds like it will affect your mother in law’s personal relationship with God if she goes into a building where there is an idol because it takes away from worshipping God.This is her personal relationship with Gob, which should come before anyone else. I wouldn't hang out with an ex if it would hurt my FI because my relationship with my FI means more to me than my relationship with my ex. Even if were just friends and he's a good person. You should know it's not something that has to do with you personally. It sounds like your a good person and they like you but they are choosing their relationship with God over you and your guy. I think that's to be respected, but I just wanted you to know it's not because of what the church or religion says they can and cannot do. I'm glad your getting married in a way that makes you happy (By the way my aunt choose to get married by your minister but in a park to accomodate JW family members.) I’m sorry this is upsetting you and I think a bride needs nothing extra to stress about.
Thank you for your post! This whole situation feels so shrouded in doom and gloom, it is nice to get your perspective. It would be awesome if his family took the time to spell all of this out as clearly as you did...and I am very honest in saying your words have helped me understand them better. I do not agree with the logic, but I can at least see there is logic behind their actions.
Bottom line is the relationship I have with God has taught me not to be judgemental and to value my community and family, especially those with differing beliefs. "Preach often...use words if you must" is what I've been taught, so my example is my way. His family's decision to not attend our wedding feels judgemental, and illustrates their lack of interest in their own son's life. We can slice and dice this any way we like that caters to our own beliefs...but all I know is his mom said "no" when he asked her to attend our wedding. I don't think I could turn down a co-worker if they asked me to attend their wedding...whether it was buddhist, athiest, wiccan, etc. In my heart of hearts, I believe God would want her there to support him...and she believes not. And that is the fundamental difference between her beliefs and mine.
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Hi everybody,
My boyfriend is picking up my engagement ring next weekend. I am elated and very much looking forward to being his wife. We've been together for nearly 3 years, I am 32 and he is 31. This has been in the works for a few months now, and we will finally be engaged by mid-month.
I am catholic. I come from a very devout family...my mom not only talks the talk, she walks the walk. Though it's not been easy, my boyfriend and I do not live together, and though I haven't been perfect in every way, I do view the exchanging of vows as an important step in my catholic journey.
My boyfriend was baptised catholic as a baby, and his aunts/uncles and grandmother on his mother's side are also practicing catholics. His biological father took off when he was 2 years old, and has since passed away, never knowing my boyfriend.
When my boyfriend was 7, his mother married a man with no religion. Within a year of them being married, he became a Jehovah Witness...she planned on remaining catholic...but within a year she converted along with my then 7-year old boyfriend. She also sent a letter to the diosese requesting my boyfriend's baptism be voided (is that possible?) He was raised as a witness, and his mother had 2 additional children with her new husband that are also practicing witnesses. They are very involved in their religion.
At the age of 24, well before I met him, my boyfriend became inactive and has not attended any meetings since. In fact, he has a huge issue with oraganized religion as his mother's conversion from catholicism to witness put a huge wedge in they family dynamic she had with her catholic siblings and parents. Apparently Witnesses are not allowed to step foot in a catholic church or they will be disfellowshipped. She did not even attend her own father's funeral or little sister's wedding, because they took place in a catholic church :/
My boyfriend is not close to his family. I believe his step-dad prefers he not interact much with his brother (now 20) and sister (23) because of the potential influence his straying for the church could have on them. In the nearly 3 years we have been together, I've been invited to his parents house exactly 2 times (they live 10 miles from me!). Though they do speak on the phone once in a while, he rarely sees them. I see his aunts/uncles more often than I see his parents.
I hope to be married after 6 months...I'm in my 30's and if I want to have babies, I need to hop to it! Neither of us are big fans of being the center of attention, and hope to have a very small (15 people or less) ceremony. I would prefer to marry ASAP, and save the money we would have used on a large wedding as a down payment on a house...and then maybe have an open house/1st year anniversary party (witnesses can celebrate anniversaries).
My boyfriend is well aware of my religion and I've informed him of pre cana; he also knows the only way I know how to raise any potential children, is to raise them catholic. Though my boyfriend has NO interest in converting, he'll attend mass with me on holidays because he knows it makes me happy to have him with me...I'm always at mass alone, and it makes me sad!
So my issue is this: I view marriage as the sacrament that it is. Which means I must marry in the church.
I feel guilty for driving an even bigger wedge in-between my boyfriend and his family. If his mother didn't go to her own father's funeral, I doubt she would come to see us marry in a church.
I am so torn with just biting the bullet and having a civil service that everyone can attend...and holding fast to my catholic duties, and basically having a religious exchange of vows that his family cannot be a part of :/
Any suggestions? As this becomes more and more real, my anxiety grows.