- 4 years ago
- Wedding: May 2017
Regular bee going anon.
I don’t want to get married.
It’s coming up very soon and I am no less then terrified how I am about to ruin my life. I don’t want to go through with it but I feel like I am trrapped and I can’t not do this now. I feel like it is too late for me and my happiness. I feel like I made a very bad decision and now there is no stopping this trainwreck that is about to happen.
I am not in love with him like I should be. I had a conversation with my mom about it – and at first she laughed at me. I bawled my eyes out to her and her first reaction was ‘oh hunny…’ But when I continued on about how incompatible we are she started to see the same things I was seeing. I am usually a very private woman and FI and I are also not very open about issues within our relationship. She didn’t know many of these things, because noone did. She is a very sane woman, and when she started to agree with me I got even more scared. But she told me to go home and talk to him.
Problem is when I went home to say everything that I told her I couldn’t find the same words. Everything I ended up saying just made me sound more and more retarded – and more and more like I was just some little girl with ‘cold feet’. That isn’t it! I am not scared I am making the wrong decision. I know I am, but I can’t get out.
The wedding is big. It is a lot of people and so many people have put in hard work and considerable effort into this that I feel like I would let them all down. Our showers were also so long ago, I don’t even know how I would return everyone’s gifts? They are all sitting ina pile still because I can’t bear to put them away. His family has been amazing, I love them all, and my family isn’t rich but they have done so much. Plus with how big the wedding is, the amount of people we would have to notify is staggering.
And the worst part is; with how incompatible we are I started hanging out with and now have deep feelings for someone else. FI and I don’t have sex and he barely touches me. He works all the time and I feel like I am always alone. I have tried so many times to bring this up to him; to tell him how stranded and lonely I feel all of the time and he always tells me he will try to do things different and that he will try to make it better; I get hopeful and hang on but then time goes by and I feel the same way again. I bring this up to him and he gets so mad and defensive, and almost yells back at me in return that he loves me and he is trying but that he needs time to chnage. I don’t want him to change, I just want things to have at least some of the feeling they had so long ago.
But after years of this I met someone. I know I will get flamed so hard for this. But if I could just up and leave FI I would do it; I have tried three times in the last few weeks and I feel like everytime I do it, I just can’t. I feel like he shouldn’t get to feel superios because I went outside the relationship so if we broke up over that he would feel like he did nothing wrong but he did! He abandoned me, he pushes me away in bed, he won’t talk to me like I want to be talked to. He doesn’t acknowledge my intelligence, my body, my thoughts and feelings. He is comfortabel where he is and doesn’t understand why I can’t stop ‘stirring up trouble’ all the time.
I want to say that sex shouldn’t be the main part of the relationship – I want to say that isn’t something that I need. I wanted a relationship that has other things to it that really make us solid. And FI and I have a lot of those things; we resolve arguments rationally, we make smart money decisions, we are fair about everything in our household…but every single eaction is done without a single ounce of passion. Not once has he ever come home from work hungering for a kiss from me, never have we come home from a drink with our friends and he wants to ravage me. I have to beg him to give me a back rub and most of the time he says no. Straight up, just ‘no’.
So I met someone whwo does all of those things. I met someone with passion – with the ability to make me feel a thousand feet tall. He can turn my world over with a single text. I met him a little over a year ago and I was sure I was leaving my FI (then boyfriend), but we had family things to go to, we had huge vacations planned, I really wanted to go and I couldn’t and when I couldn’t I broke things off with ‘the other guy’. I told him I wasn’t strong enough to break it off and that he would need to find someone else to make him happy. I told him that he would need to forget about me and move on in his life, that even though I couldn’t be happy – that he should try (I didn’t say that but its how I felt).
And once I cut it off FI (still boyfriend) even reconnected a little. Our physical life didn’t change and passion wasn’t rekindled, but since I didn’t have an exciting flame to tell all my daily stories to and work out my life issues with I went back to talking with FI about them. Things felt…okay. And then he proposed. I don’t know why but I said yes. I had weird beliefs about marriage that if you can work out arguments about money and life with out losing your heads then of course you guys make a good team and of course you would ‘figure it out’ on how to make a lifelong relationship work. So I set about wedding planning and here we are, its right around the corner.
And I don’t want any of it.
I don’t know what else to do. To deal with stress and just for the basic primal need for a ‘release’ I have seen ‘guy on the side’ again recently. All of the old feelings are there. I literally had a nervous breakdown after I got home because I feel like I am so trapped.
I know I will get flamed even worse for this but the only way out of this that I can see is to move forward with the wedding and play off the hoax that I know it is and struggle through as many years as I can of being miserable. I know FI will become depressed once this elation is over and he will get upset about his life, goals and physical appearence and when he does I don’t know that I will pick him up and make him whole again I feel like that will be my exit. That I will wait until he falls into depression and then it will be my exit. It may be a year, two years…four. But I know this isn’t how I want to live my life. I want passion, I want travel, I want someone beside me who has the same zest for life that I do (and hopefully still will have afteer I make it out of this).
Bees, I know you think I have trampled on the sanctity of marriage and everything all of you stand for but I am hurting so bad that I just needed to get all of this off of my chest. I don’t see any other way and … I love all of you so much and I hope someone out there has some wise words for a fellow bee who feels like her light at the end of the tunnel is dimming each day.