- 3 years ago
- Wedding: May 2017
This was the last post. (http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/jitters-3) Long story short – I went to my FI and asked him to postpone the wedding so we could work on our issues and while doing so I confessed to going outside the relationship. Before you judge please read the previous post. Thx.
Secondly, I would like to say ‘thank you’ to all of you Bees for helping me to make this decision. I have no words for how amazing you have been – all of your pm’s and comments are really helping me through this. I can not say yet how much pain and suffering in the long run this decision saved me from – but it was with your help that I did it.
It’s been 7 days since I told him. 7 Days since our wedding was cancelled. We would have been at the alter this Saturday.
I moved out and I have a new place. I started back to work this morning. All of the guests have been notified. The vendors are all notified and those with remaining balances are invoicing them to me. I have plane tickets to pay for and his parents to pay back.
The stories flying around are getting … rediculous. I have heard everything to I have been cheating on him for years to I have had multiple ‘boyfriends’ to even more extreme then that. This town is so small its so impossible to get away from them. I go to the same gym as ‘the other guy’ and his mother and his cousin (who is his mother’s roomate). FI’s parents also go to the same gym…I don’t aniticipate seeing them much as they aren’t as active. One of the mother’s of the groomsmen is *besties* with ‘the other guys’ mom – she has been quite colorful in her relaying the stories to her.
It is starting to get out who the other guy is. I wanted that part to stay quiet because he isn’t really a major part of this. He has done nothing be be there for me in every possible way I have ever needed – regardless of how wrong those ways may have been. And even if they were wrong – they opened my eyes to what being appreciated felt like. It wasn’t all physical – sometimes it was nice to talk to him and he would compliment me on how smart he thought I was. FI never seemed to appreciate that.
‘Other guy’ and I are taking a break. People keep on asking me if I am going to have a relationship with him – most times I am appalled…I just fell out of a 5 yr, serious relationship 12 days away from my wedding…I am pretty sure a new relationship isn’t at the forefront of my brain. Also, with how messy and terrible all this is we both know that it wouldn’t be best to start exploring any of those options right now. We know we need to let the dust settle – we know the fallout from this – combined with how compressed our social groups are – that it is going to get uglier then anything we can imagine just yet. He cares so much that I think he is willing to do anything in the world to make something positive come from this. I care about him as welll and I know he doesn’t deserve the negative attention, my baggage and anything else that results from this so I think a break is best. It is impossible to deny that there is something special there but I need to make sure I am out of the mental storm so I can give him the chance he deserves – if that is indeed what should even happen next.
What is not getting around is my story – yes, I understand that I cheated – which is the mega-terrible-horrible-worst thing you could ever do in a relationship – but the fact that he is getting off looking like “some sweet, caring man who did everything he could to treat his girl like a queen and in return he got his heart ripped out by an uncaring, souless harlot who slept with the whole town” is getting on my nerves. Everything I went though (explained in previous post) is not getting put out there. Mostly because he is doing all of the talking.
Going through all of the wedding stuff is really hard. There is a garage full of stuff that was bought brand new and will never get used. The cake topper came int he mail afteer all of this went down. We were both standing int he kitchen when I opened it. It was custom made and had us in our wedding stuff with my puppy in between us with the date and our names on the front. I literally melted onto the floor. He asked if he could keep it. I hope I don’t get a fun new case of ptsd from this… The idea that something that huge – that I had been rigorously planning for 8 months is completely off now is really hard to even fathom. I had over 200 rsvp’d as coming. It was over 400 + ppl invited. I basically stopped a train with my bare hands. I still don’t know if coming ‘clean’ and calling it off is less expensive and less heart-breaking for either of us then an impending divorce. I am telling myself that its true. Also, not sure if wearing a scarlett letter around town is easier then carrying the stigma of ‘divorced’.
Not only is going through the wedding stuff hard – but all of my things since I had to move. I have so many pictures, momentos, special memories of things we did together. I really did love him. With all my heart I did. I wanted it to work out so bad that I ignored so many of the signs that we were incompatible. They may have been ‘mostly’ happy times – but at each one of them I had to deal with the fact that he wasn’t attracted to me. We went on cruises and romantic getaways and we would come back to the hotel room and just go to bed. But even the pictures on my phone…there are hundreds…do I just delete them? What do I do with them? I am at work now and in front of me is his work schedule – and a collage of a bunch of pictures…do I take them down? Do I throw them away? I don’t know what to do with them.
My friends have been literally the best thing through all of this. They are calling and keeping me pretty busy. Having their assurance that I have at least 5 people in the world who don’t think I am lying, cheating whoreface is helpful. A couple helped me to move in too. My cousin and another friend have literally been on the line with me almost all week checking up on me. I can’t explain to them how awesome this is and how much I need this right now.
This is the first time I have lived alone in my whole life. Its the first time I have ever had my own space. I shared a room with my brother and then each of my sisters and in the military I was always rommated up with someone. I had another long term relationship before this but we lived together for a while as well. It is new – and scary. I have never felt like this before. But one thing I have noticed is that feeling lonely because you are actually alone is WAY different then feeling alone in your own home while your FI is in the same room. Being alone completely actually hurts way less.
I am buying the ring off of him. Its silly but I couldn’t give it back. It is the one time that I have ever known him to go out of his way to do something sweet and special and earthshattering for me. He had it customized and he planned it all out perfectly. I need that…maybe thats just a weird part of me to say that but…I do. And I knew if he got it back he would try to sell it. He wouldn’t get what he paid for it and he wouldn’t begin to get what I value it at – so I told him I would buy it. He was nice enough to only charge me what he owes left on it and I can make payments as well.
From the previous statement you can probably guess that we are amicable at best. We spent a lot of time in the same area over the last week while I was moving out and we were able to talk and try to be understanding through it. We even hugged a few times. I don’t know what will become of us – it’s hard to watch 5 years go down the drain like that. He is sure that we cannot be together right now. I get that. He can’t see anything past the cheating and has repeatedly exclaimed ‘how would I ever trust you again.’ Once, he did say that after a year or two we could try to see where things are…at first the idea was surprising – but amazing to me – that he thinks what he had might possibly be bigger then all this…but then I realized that the only way anything would work would be if we went to counseling and if he put in a considerable amount of effort. There is no way I can go back to being that miserable again. I can’t live like that. The chance of having to live like that again is terrifying to say the least.
So I am out now. I am alive. It hurts and its embarrassing and I feel like a horrible failure most days but…I am out of that relationship and all I can do now is try to pick up the pieces and move on.