Post # 1
I love jokes – I have a set range of them which I use repeatedly – especially when I’m on the wine. I need to expand my act, so I am willing to share mine if you share yours. So here goes…..
How do you confuse an antiques’ dealer?
Give him a tampon and ask which period it’s from.
Now let the jokes commence (they can only get better!)
Post # 3
so a grasshopper walks into a bar . .
the bartender says “hey, we have a drink named after you”.
grasshopper – “really?? Irving???”
Post # 4
@Cariad: HAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!! This is oo funny!
I have a “thing” for bad jokes… but am the most awful joke teller. I always mess up. And then laugh alone.
Post # 5
I’ll try to think of some, drawing a blank right now.
Post # 6
@GroovyHippieChick: hahah… so random! Love it!
Post # 7
@Cariad: OMG LOL
I am a horrible joke teller, FI loves the way I say jokes bc I always end up messing them up and it’s pretty funny/embarrassing.
lets see what I have….
What is a frogs favorite drink?
A Croaka cola
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese …. ( I HATE this joke lol
Post # 8
This is one I saw at the end of a documentary and it made me laugh:
There’s a pirate ship out at sea and the captain asks his pirate in the crow’s nest to keep on the lookout. The guy in the crow’s nest says “I see a boat a few miles off, but they’re gaining fast.”
The captain says “Quick someone get me my red shirt. That way if I get hurt, the crew won’t see and we won’t lose morale.”
The lookout says “They’re getting closer and now there are five ships!”
The captain says “Quick, someone get me my brown pants!”
Post # 9
@GroovyHippieChick: Love it!
Here’s a long one…. (all speaking parts in thick southern drawl – which I LOVE BTW)
Billy the Kid rides into town on his horse, gets off, ties it up and goes into the saloon. The whole bar is watching him nervously as he drinks his whisky.
Eventually he gets up to leave, only to go outside and lo and behold no horse!!!!!
He turns on his feet and goes straight back in and announces to everyone in the bar.
“Now, I tied my horse up outside, and he aint there no more. If he’s not back by the time I finish my next drink, well I’m gonna do what I did in Texas!”
Everybody runs out of the bar, knocking on doors, getting together the whole town to find this horse. Grannies checking outhouses, kids checking their dens, men riding the outskirts – every body going crazy looking for this horse.
Eventually BtK finishes his drink, the barman nervously watches him leave the saloon, saying a little prayer as BtK struts outside. As he steps out, the whole town is there waiting nervously for him, with the horse tied up exactly where it was before.
He goes up strokes the horse, tightens the saddle, unties the reins and jumps on. The whole time everybody is silent. Just as he goes to leave a granny yells out;
“So Billy What did you do in Texas?”
Billy the Kid replies
“I walked home…..”
Post # 10
My favorite one doesn’t translate well to writing. Basically you take your hands and put one on each of your cheeks and squish them together as much as you can and then you say, “Hi. My name is Chubby. My mom is chubby, my dad is chubby, even my dog is chubby!” and it sounds hysterical. ….Or at least I do.
Post # 11
@JlovesM: I love both of those – totally my humour! Massive LOLs!
Post # 12
@MissBoPeep: OMG My mom and aunt have done that since I was little. Only it was alittle different, it ended somehow with going “weeeee” and pulling your cheeks back LOL
@Cariad: mine also!!! hahaha
Post # 13
two cannibals are eating a clown
one turns to the other and says
“hey, does this taste funny to you?”
Post # 14
@Cariad: that’s hilarious!
Post # 15
@JlovesM: OMG duh I forgot half the joke.
“Hi. My name is Chubby. My mom is chubby, my dad is chubby, even my dog is chubby! One day my mama said to me, hey chubby, can you smile through all that chub? And I said sho mama, see?” And you smile real big with your cheeks all smushed lol
Post # 16
Bahahaha great thread!!! I have to think of some and come back later!