Judging partners based on their parents (spin-off)

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
6457 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Andthepupmakes3:  My DH’s mom has some OCD/anxiety problems and was also emotionally abusive, however, I didn’t know this until we were pretty far along in our relationship. Honestly, if I had known about the abuse I may have been a little more cautious with our relationship just to make sure that he had dealt with everything that was thrown at him but I would not have stopped seeing him because of it.

I have never dated a guy whose parent’s are still together. I would never allow the parent’s actions in their marriage to be the deciding factor in my relationship.

Would you marry someone whose parents are:

Obese? Yes, assuming that he leads a healthy lifestyle, I don’t care if his parents are obese.

Addicts (drug/alcohol)? Yes, as long as he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol/drugs.

Divorced? Absolutely- this is in no way the kid’s fault.

Abusive? Depends- are there underlying issues that need to be dealt with as a result of the abuse? Is he willing to seek that help?

Have a history of cheating? Yes.

So I guess my answer for most of those is ‘yes’.

Post # 4
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Yes to all-my FI isn’t his parents, thank goodness. In fact of that list, there’s obesity on my side, and addiction, abuse, and divorce on his. I would be depriving myself if I judged him based on some people he happens to be related to

Post # 5
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Would you marry someone whose parents are:

Obese? Yes as long as he stayed healthy

Addicts (drug/alcohol)? Yes, his Dad has an addiction

Divorced? Both of our parents are divorced

Abusive? His Dad was physically and mentally abusive to himself and his mother. But he strives to not end up like his father

Have a history of cheating? Yes his parent and my parents have both cheated. He aren’t like them 🙂



Post # 6
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Andthepupmakes3:  This didn’t bother me when I was dating my ex.  I had actually never even met his parents.  He told me 6 years ago when we became friends that his mother was dying of cancer and had 6 months to live.  It seemed like every time we hung out for the next 5 years she was about to fall over dead.  We started dating in our last year of friendship, when I learned his dad was an alcoholic (when we broke up I started to realize ex was probably an alcoholic too, drinking before we would go to the store in the morning and CONSTANTLY high on weed).  I met his brothers who were always getting into trouble with school and the law, and they never mentioned that their mother was dying.  Even when I went to visit their home, I didn’t see signs of her being sick (their dad is a surgeon at NIH), so he turned out to be a perpetual liar.  

The guy before him, was also Jewish, which I thought was really important to me.  They are also american, but lived in China for work opportunity and a better standard of living.  They had shipped ex off to boarding school when he was 16 so they could live in London, and never moved back to the states.  

So what used to be important to me no longer is. My FI comes from an amazing family, his parents are still together, everyone lives to be in their 90s, and they are just normal.  I think family history is important to some people, but not important to others.  I learned the hard way that it was important to me.  

Post # 7
1425 posts
Bumble bee

Yes I would. FI is not his parents and I am not mine. Our parents do not affect our relationship or our feelings for each other.

Post # 8
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Obese? Yes

Addicts (drug/alcohol)? I am.  My FI’s mother was a drug addict (she passed away from related problems) and his father, uncles, and grandfathers are all alcoholics.  Subsequently, he doesn’t touch alcohol and of course we don’t do drugs.

Divorced?  Better yet, neither of our parents were ever married 🙂

Abusive?  His dad was (related to alcoholism)

Have a history of cheating?  His dad did!


So I guess your answer is …. yes!  He is a completely amazing person who saw what his parents were and wanted to avoid that at all costs.

Post # 9
263 posts
Helper bee

I judge my partners based on whether I can tolerate spending time with their parents. If I hate their parents, I’m not going to get involved with them long term (unless they aren’t close to their parents).

But no, I would not judge my partner based on how his parents live, if my partner didn’t seem to share those undesirable traits.

The only thing that would make me cautious is if his parents were literally mentally ill. That could be a dealbreaker depending on the circumstances, because I have my own issues with depression and anxiety, and I don’t want the drama that could unfold between two people who suffer like that.

Post # 10
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Miss Wellies:  +1

This. DH is his own person regardless who his parents are. I would hate for someone to judge me based on my parents, so I will NOT do the same to others.

Post # 11
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

It would depend on how much of these traits it seemed he had inherited. Some of these are also things I would want to sure that he had worked through (especially abuse).

My FI’s parents are still happily married, as are mine, and I’m really happy about that because we both have good examples of successful relationships to study and possibly model ourselves on. But if his parents were divorced, I would still love him and want to marry him.

Post # 12
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@Andthepupmakes3:  If we’re referring to my FI and not some hypothetical person who I would be starting a relationship with, then I would answer “yes” to all of these.

However, I would be very hestitant to start dating someone who had alcohol/drug/mental health issues in his family. This is mostly because I like to simplify my life whenever possible, and the drama/heartache that would come with the aforementioned issues would be something I’d prefer to not have in my life. If these issues began to effect my now-FI, even when he was my boyfriend in the early days of our relationship, I would stick by his side.

Divorced parents would have no influence on me. It would mean that his parents were simply not right for each other. My mother and biological father divorced when I was very young, and I have been very lucky to have a man in my life I can call my father. My mom and [step-]father are very happily married, so I would hope no one would judge my family because my mom married the wrong person when she was in her early 20s. On the flip side, FI’s parents have been married for a long time, and they are the most unhappy couple I’ve ever met. I don’t even think they like eachother or have anything in common. Just because they’re still married doesn’t mean much.

Finally, I have seriously never met an obese person, unless they were a stranger I passed by on the street. I don’t really know how I would judge the situation, so I can’t comment on that.


Post # 13
2535 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Would you marry someone whose parents are:  Answer to all Yes- I’m not marrying the paretns.

My Mother is very thin

and my father is very over weight.-  I get eating habits from both parents.

Granted those Genetics come along with our children but its all about eating right and exersising.

as a married Bee DH doesn’t have thin thin parents but they are not obese! but he has awful eating habbits and its been a … journey.. to change his tastebuds up a bit.


Addicts (drug/alcohol)?

Both of my paretns are recovering Drug addicts

My mom has 23 years clean and my father has 27 – I grew  up going to NA meetings and its the main reason I have never tried anything not even alcohol and I never will.

I freely tell people about my parents and sometims I think they are shocked that I am so open about it . It is who my family is and its saved my life.

My best friend from HS just passed away and although it hasn’t been officialy stated so we all assume it was her heavy drug use. There was a reason I never went and partied with her and it was my parents and their recovery… if it wasn’t for that I could be with her now.


IF it was DH’s parents activily using it wouldn’t affect me marrying him just how much my kids got to see the grandparents. bummer. but kids first.


Dh’s Biological parents are divorced.

Mine Never Married

and my adopted Dad dicvorced my mom the year before the wedding.

WE still got hitched.

Does our marrige mimmic our parents messy ones … often. yes. but we are aware of that and acutally in counciling to learn how to break those habits and change those things now. Its working out really great actually.

its wonderful to have such an awesome partner.

We don’t want a divorce because our parents divorce hurt us so much.


 as long as DH wasnt.  You have to date someone long engouh to know this and the signs. My husband would never abuse me. and if he did I’d be out the door in a heartbeat.

 it would affect how much we saw grandparents tho… I’m not leaving my kids with someone abusive. 

Have a history of cheating?

 Again yup. I’m not marrying the parent. and cheating is not genetic. I would hope the person was disgusted by it . I trust dh completly.


Post # 14
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@Andthepupmakes3:  Yes, yes, yes and yes. Assuming, of course, that I can see he’s addressed these things head-on in his own life and I feel comfortable knowing he won’t let it happen to him.

I come from an emotionally abusive family, with alcohol problems on one side and obesity on the other, and multiple marriages and divorces. As a result, I’ve witnessed and thought very hard about all of these things, and I think I’m more determined than your average person to avoid them. I work out harder than most of my friends, I really don’t feel I’m at any risk of developing a drinking problem, and I’m putting a lot of intentional effort into building a strong, healthy, supportive relationship.

All these things can be warning signs, in my mind, but if the person in question is aware of them, they may be even stronger when it comes to avoiding them. I know plenty of people whose parents have problems, who these people work doubly hard to avoid becoming like.

Some studies say that children of divorced parents are more likely to divorce as well. However, my friends with divorced parents are especially cautious about divorce, and are really taking their time and evaluating their own relationships very, very carefully before jumping into anything. The people who I know firsthand with divorced parents are less likely, in my opinion, to marry the wrong person in the first place, because of their firsthand experience with divorce.

Post # 15
10454 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

I wouldn’t judge someone based on their parents, but some thing do come into play.  If I’m getting serious with someone and their parent has a serious addiction issue, is there any of our money being spent on that, are we being harrassed because of it, etc.

Post # 16
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

No, because pot. kettle. black.

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