Judgy in-laws.

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I obviously don’t have all the facts here, but your FIs behaviour reminds me of my partners in the first few years of our relationship. It bugged me that he cared way more about making his parents happy than making me (or us) happy. a third party (thankfully!) pointed out to him that of course he should always love and respect his parents, but eventually he would have to change the boundaries between them so that he and I could be a new family unit. He actually has changed over time and made me feel like I am #1. I also changed overtime to be more understanding that his parents were always going to be involved in our lives because they love us.  It’s not easy though!!

Post # 3
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I love my in-laws, but I totally feel you on this one. I also love my husband but he isn’t the greatest decision maker. He’s easily swayed. And his parents (especially his dad) have oppinions about everything and end up talking him into things. Luckily, they haven’t started in on money and they live too far away to butt into our house arrangements (like when they renovated his brother’s bathroom while he was away for the weekend). But it’s been difficult as my husband has been job hunting because he’ll talk to me and come to one decision and then talk to them and come to the opposite decision. And then it goes back and forth with each conversation. It’s super annoying, but I try tno to begrudge him because he respects his parent’s oppinion, but I know he respects mine as well.

In your case, I think your guy needs to learn to stand up to his parents. It’ll probably take awhile, but he’ll get over it. And as long as he isn’t actually preventing you from getting the car, it’s annoying but not the end of the world. But seriously, adults shouldn’t be concerns about “but what will so-and-so say” even if it is their parents!

Post # 6
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

frustratedbridetobe:  My in-laws believe they should know every detail of our finances, and I often have to remind my husband that they don’t need to know any of it. I’m lucky, though, because he agrees – just has a terrible memory. You don’t need to defend your choice to anyone, and if your in-laws try to broach the subject, just shut it down with something neutral but short (“please don’t worry about this, our finances are our business”). I don’t think your guy needs to stand up to his parents in an aggressive or argumentative way – he just needs to learn not to let himself be engaged in these kinds of conversations. If they ask, change the subject. If they won’t stop asking, get off the phone or leave.

Post # 8
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

anonybee0810:  + 1 on this.

Judgy in-laws suck.  And anyway, the last couple years have been the best time to buy new cars because the price of used is such a small difference (at least it was for my car)!  Anyways, that’s not the problem–DH needs to change the way he talks to his parents, but first and foremost, to YOU.  His parents’ opinion should not factor into a decision that he is making with his wife.  I would tell him, (A) you don’t have to explain a darned thing to your parents when you are a married adult, and (B) neither one of us should be discussing private financial decisions in our home without the other’s blessing.

Post # 9
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

Every time your in-laws start in with the judgy comments, say “It’s interesting you feel that way, Margie [or whatever MIL is] – thanks for the thoughts. By the way, did you see that Oprah is producing a new reality series?” Or whatever other topic comes to mind. If she’s on a rant, go to your mental happy place. I like to picture the biking I’ll be doing when the weather gets warm.

 

My FH is from a deeply Catholic very insular family who are none to pleased he’s marrying an atheist from a totally different culture; I’ve learned a thousand-yard stare and a blank smile will get you a lot more serenity than actually arguing with them when they’ve already made up their minds.

Post # 10
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

frustratedbridetobe:  This is more a husband problem than an in-law problem. It’s none of his dad’s business what type of car you buy, or even that you bought a car at all. Your husband needs to stop letting his parents in on your lives as if they are part of the relationship when they are not.

Since this is ongoing and he has yet to grow a backbone and put his parents in their place, you guys should go to counseling and try to work it out there. He needs to learn how to set proper boundaries and most importantly, understand why those boundaries are healthy and useful. Make this a priority now as things will only get worse if he keeps letting them think they have a say in your lives.

Post # 11
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

frustratedbridetobe:  The problem isn’t your in-laws (as they are entitled to their opinion whether you like it or not), the problem is your husband.

Post # 12
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

frustratedbridetobe:  My FIL once suggested my dh sell my car (which has sentimental value) because it needed some repairs. My dh kindly informed him it was my car and that he would be divorced if he tried. Your dh needs to just ask them to tone down the advice and remind them that you are adults who have it covered.

Post # 13
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

frustratedbridetobe:  Ugh, I feel your pain.

My FI majorly overshares with his parents, it drives me wild!  Mainly about his finances…I keep telling him that as a 43 year old man, he should not be sharing personal financial information with them anymore, but it falls on deaf ears…he’s also extremely naive about what they are going to think…and it certainly doesn’t help that he’s an only child!

I know that they already judge me due to my upbringing, so I am 99% certain that they assume that if FI is low on funds it is because he’s helping me – which isn’t the case at all!  Unfortunately I unexpectedly lost my job just over a month ago so no doubt their already low opinion of me has sunk further…

I wish I could offer you advice on how to deal with this, but I’m still trying to.  I’ve told him that he needs to act more like an adult so many times but it just doesn’t seem to sink in…it does depress me.  

Just know you aren’t alone with this problem!

Post # 14
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

My inlaws are good people, but very, um, we’ll say opinionated, and they wouldn’t dream of keeping said opinions to themselves. The smile and nod technique is great, and sometimes I tune out a rant after a while.

Post # 15
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

My FILs are very judgy about our financial situation as well. FMIL was pissed when we moved into our first apartment because it was “too nice” for a couple just starting out, and she thought we would be house poor. Now anytime we go out to dinner, buy something new, etc. she comments on how we spend money we don’t have even though she doesn’t know anything about our financial situation. I haven’t said anything about the comments yet, but I’m probably going to burst the next time she says something.

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