Post # 1
I really want to be a mother. And I’ve wanted that for 10 years now but it was just never the right time or the right person. Now that I’m married, we bought a house and both have stable, full-time average paid jobs… it’s apparently still not the right time.
DH is the one holding the reins. He is 100% adamant that we will not even NTNP until we’ve got 12 months of forced savings into our mortgage, AFTER our European holiday (which is in 5 months). I wouldn’t mind trying as soon as we got back home, but he just says no. We can’t afford it, we must have X amount of dollars multiplied by 12 months before we can even entertain the idea of becoming parents.
DH’s brother just got his girlfriend knocked up. He works part time at McDonalds and has no life ambition and his girlfriend is all of 19 or 20. And now they’re having a baby and DH’s mother is going to be over the moon because she wants nothing more than to have a grandchild. And I want nothing more than to have a child and I thought we would be the ones to have the first grandchild, but no, life doesn’t work like that.
I feel so bitter pretty much 24/7. Nearly all our friends are parents or pregnant and it’s getting that way that I’m thinking of taking bets on who will be the next to join the ranks. It’s certainly not going to be us because DH is religious with the condoms and DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE A CHILD UNTIL WE HAVE X AMOUNT IN OUR BANK!
Cos you can really plan these things, everyone gets to have children on their terms, when it’s perfect timing. Snort.
And of course, DH’s brother and his girlfriend will just make it work, it’ll all work out, she’ll have the baby and everyone will be gaga over it, and we’ll just be waiting, waiting, waiting. Forever waiting.
It feels so much like I’m the only girl on this planet with a husband dragging his feet on the kids front. It would really help if even one of my friends was in the same boat, or if I even knew someone who felt the way I did (so effing frustrated!!), but no.
I had to get that out.
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Why does your husband have the final say?
You are in a relationship. I would negotiate. Or straight up ARGUE.
Post # 4
@amyinbrisbane: Does he REALLY know how much it is to raise a child? Is his expectations WAY too high? I can understand putting aside money for all the expenses that will come your way like a ton of bricks, as they say, but maybe you should set his expectations? They say it takes something like $150,000 to raise a child from birth to 18 (This number changes depending on where you live and a whole bunch of other factors, but you dont need that money before the child is born! You gradually save up and always make sure there is money for a rainy day. Did he live in a household here his parents struggled? Is he maybe afraid of struggling? Has he always had a personality to always be extra prepared for things? I dont think he is doing it on purpose I think he is doing it so you dont end up like that couple that is expecting on a mcdonalds salary. Do you both have stable jobs? Where in the next year or more you will be making the same money?
Post # 5
@amyinbrisbane: I’m not sure arguing is really the best path to having a baby. This really isn’t the type of thing you want to strong arm anyone into.
Maybe sit down with some financial plans, a pro and con list etc. his absolute no is concerning. Relationships are about compromise. You should be able to have a discussion about this. That said, your reasons “all my friends are doing it” and wanting to have the first grandchild are not strong arguments.
So you need valid answers as to why this needs to happen so urgently (you didn’t mention it but is age a factor?). If you know that in a year this is going to happen, why not enjoy every second of being a couple and making memories instead of being angry and resentful. Go on your big trip. Have lots of dinner so out and too much wine. See lots of movies and sleep in. It sounds cliche but it is true. I’m literally having a baby tomorrow and am telling you enjoy this time because as soon as you’re pregnant everything changes.
Post # 6
@Lepidoptera: We haven’t ever sat down and made a spreadsheet about how much money we’re going to need. It’s more, he’s concerned that we won’t be able to afford going onto 1 salary with the mortgage. We could easily do that but we would be living from paycheck to paycheck and he doesn’t want to do that.
Yep, his parents had him and his 4 brothers and they weren’t flush with cash (but didn’t have a horrible life either).
Has he always had a personality to always be extra prepared for things? Yes!!! We even set aside money for ‘just in case the fridge breaks in the future’. WTF!!
Yep, we both have stable jobs.
Post # 7
@mamadingdong: I’m 28 and will be 29 when we start trying. I know that’s the average age..
When I bring up the ‘compromise’ card he reminds me that I already talked him into cutting a year off TTC and that he isn’t budging an inch more (if he had his way he wouldn’t want to start TTC until he was 35, and we’re the same age).
I do like your points, such as live it up while we can. And we do. It’s just not easy feeling like the only one who isn’t starting a family. I’m not a career person but I can’t do the family thing yet either so it feels like being in limbo.
I do know I’m being impatient here but when other couples can just throw caution to the wind and accidentally get pregnant and then make the best of it I wonder why we have to be the responsible ones and plan everything in life!
Post # 8
talk to your husband calmly. he is your husband, you are in the together. he shouldn’t control everything. you need to discuss and reach an agreed upon timeline.
there is never enough money or time but somehow parents always make it work.
Post # 9
@amyinbrisbane: to be honest all I see is “me me me” in your post, while he appears to be planning in the best interest of the child. It’s not about you & what you want! Kids benefit from a financially secure home and a college fund.
Post # 10
@blushpinkbride: I think that’s a little unfair…it’s a rant. She is suffering, and it’s easy to see why, and she says she doesn’t even KNOW anyone who can relate to how she feels. So I think it’s understandable that she’d want to just talk about HER feelings in a rant, because it’s not trying to be a rational pro-con of when to have a child, it’s just a post about the pain she’s in.
OP, I’m 24 and nowhere near ready to start TTC and I actually think FI will be ready sooner than me, so I don’t really have advice, but I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I hope that the time flies by, that you don’t have to wait as long as you think, and that you have an easy pregnancy 🙂
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I don’t get it. What is so wrong with wanting to be financially prepared?
Post # 12
- Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat
OP- I do know where you’re coming from. I want kids so badly, but we have no savings and my husband just quit his job…. so we’re doing the responsible thing and not having kids.
Keep in mind that the other couple having a child on minimum wage and unplanned are going to STRUGGLE. It is going to be HARD. Your husband is trying to make it so that your children and comfortable and provided for and you two don’t have to stress about buying diapers. Lets face it, it’s all sunshine and rainbows when the baby is newborn and everyone is gaga over him/her, but two years down the line when the shine has worn off, they will be living in a low rent apartment, struggling to pay the bills, with a child in his/her terrible two’s, and feeling guilty because they can’t make ends meet. Your husband just wants what’s best for you. I know it’s frustrating. Skip the holiday and use that money for savings!
Post # 13
@lovekiss: There’s a very blurry line between ‘being financially prepared’ and overdoing it. And its very blurry because everyone has different finances, and different ideas of what ‘prepared’ means.
Take my DH for example. He went on a streak of thinking that that 150k quote -the whole thing- had to be in the bank before conception. Because what if he wants to leave his job and run for office? He’ll need a way to feed his kids during the campaign. And, of course, he needs to be able to pay all college tuition(s) in cash. And what if one of our kids wants a PhD? Gotta be ‘prepared’ for that!
Now he’s settled on just insisting that he has to make twice what he makes now, and even though others have made due with far less, at least its not an insane level of ‘prepared’.
Post # 14
@amyinbrisbane: I absolutely feel you and hope you can work something out. Stand your ground, be as stubborn and unmoving as he is. Maybe that won’t help but its what I’ve been trying to do, and now that I passed the threshold of when MY family goals were feasibly possible (I wanted to have 2 or 3 and be done by 30. I’m 28 and we’re still not TTCing our first), my DH is finally starting to feel bad for putting his wants before mine.
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
@UsagiTsukino: I agree that there are times when caution gets a little extreme; however that is not the case here. The OP admits that, once there is a LO, they will be living paycheck to paycheck. Having a healthy savings when they know that they will be in a tenuous financial position post-LO is definitely not “overdoing it”. It sounds like the OP’s partner is simply trying to be a responsible adult. IMO, we should be applauding that responsibility.
Post # 16
@lovekiss: I would disagree because he wants to save up 12 months of mortgage payments before TTC. But you don’t get a guarenteed LO, and quit your job, the very day that you decide to TTC. You don’t even get a guarenteed pregnancy right away. It could be a compromise to save, say, at least 4-6 months of mortgage before TTC, with the knowledge that she’ll at least keep working through most/all of the pregnancy. Or she could go back earlier than 12 months.
But that’s why the line is blurry. Financially prepared means different things depending on who you ask.