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Firstly, EXCUSES. (I hear all my long time guyfriends talk about their relationships and why they keep on pushing off marriage. The whole together but not together is great because she can't take half your stuff and you still don't feel so guilty when you check out other women.) Guys are gross. (why do we all put up with them? :)
But I wish I had the balls to have a serious marriage talk with my BF. Then tell him no sexy time. (but my man is fantastic though, a bit slow on the whole future thing) I admire your my needs ARE your needs attitude. If he really wants to get married he better get used to it. I back you 100%.
Denying him sexy time would NOT make you an evil girlfriend. And even if you did make him hold off on sexy time, he'd have to wait a LONG time to feel the wait you've felt. . .especially since he promised you twice that he was going to propose!
Ohh no, promising a proposal and backing off? he deserves no sexy time.
You go girl, thet's the way of teaching him a lesson. FI says you're mean, but I think you're awesome.
Awwww :) I love you gals!
Thank you for making me feel a million percent better than I did before.
@gocubbies: HAHA that's hilarious! I can't believe he would ask for that after the type of conversation you have.
Okay, so I don't want to rain on the parade or anything... But I was curious as to how long you all have been together... Why is he giving you these excuses? If you are at the point that you are leveraging sexy time (and I know you probably don't do that often) to for him to understand what you are going through... Maybe it's time to do some sort of timeline.
I would assume you guys are living together? A marriage doesn't have to be about all of the hoopla... I mean you can go to the courthouse and get married for like $60. I'm curious as to what his real reasoning is. Does he come from a divorced home or anything?
Again, I'm sorry if I am being negative, I am just trying to get a better understanding of the story. I don't want you to wake up one day and start resenting him (which I have done in the past). I know if someone set a wedding date with me and backed out... I don't think I could stand it.
TEAM GOCUBBIES!
Also, sometimes, it's like having an unexpected baby. Finances are never really where you want them to be, so what if he thinks he needs 100K in the bank before proposing? Should you be expected to wait that long? No, of course not.
I can't believe he thought it was a good time to go for it! Ugh.
It does make me think, though. I've heard it said so many times that men get intimacy through sex, and I worry you might accidentally push him further away by denying. I'm not saying to do it when you don't want to, but maybe don't deny it just to deny?
@Hbomb84: I know! Silly boys. You're totally not raining on the parade, it's good to think about those things.We have been together for 2 and a half years, we set a wedding date for the next year at 6 months in. So it was quick, but I knew (and still do know) it's what I want. I suppose that sometimes people can't be held accountable for their actions during the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship.. but for him to keep promising and not delivering is what really gets me.
I really do want to ask for a timeline, but he's given me two and failed on both. I don't even know if I can stand the disappointment again! But I also feel it is very unfair for me to basically be left in the dark about our future.. what if it's another 2 years and I'm still in the same boat? ugh.And no, I've definitely never leveraged sexy time before, and don't know if that's the best answer here either :/ Yes we are living together, and it's great. We have openly talked about having a smaller wedding... but I think we will just decide on that when the time comes. I am totally ok with whatever he wants to do. We had originally planned ~150, but I really just DO NOT care anymore, I just want to marry him! lol.
Honestly? He has soooo many "reasons". His biggest one is that 'we were put on this earth to procreate, not sign pieces of paper that say we're together.. we're together regardless of marriage'... and then he'll bring up finances.. and then it was about his job (thankfully he got a new one in July!!). Sounds like he's beating around the damn bush to me. If he's ready to have kids NOW (which he has told me multiple times), it makes NO SENSE in my head whatsoever that he does not want to get married!? His parents have been happily married for 30 years, although it was both of their second marriages. He is his mother's only child and his dad has two girls from his first marriage (13+ years older than SO).I seriously think he just cannot grasp how much this has hurt me. He has NO CLUE. :(
@KatM: I don't think I'm going to.. I know it's not the healthiest thing to do in a relationship and I doubt it would improve the situation! :PBut.. on the other hand, like I mentioned above I don't think he has a clue at all how much I've been hurt by all of this. It would be kind of nice to "show him a lesson" and let him feel a little like I do. I do sooooo much for him, I mean I rarely ever say no to anything he asks, which is fine with me, it is a way that I express my love for him... but I think it would be a huge shock to him if I just started refusing to do things for him.
@gocubbies: agreed! It's amazing how far a little empathy can go, and it sounds like empathy for your feelings is what you're saying you need.
I don't mean to be rude or a downer, but by making those comments and backing out on timelines twice, he is basically telling you he doesn't want to get married. Tell him point-blank that you want to be married, and ask him if he can give you that. Do not allow him to make excuses...at this point, he needs to give you a simple (and honest) yes or no.
Instead of trying to "give him a taste of his own medicine," you should just have a discussion with him about how you feel. If he really doesn't get it, playing games won't help.
@gocubbies: If money is an issue for the wedding, what does he think kids cost? I know they are priceless but this is not a mastercard commercial.
@Mrs Grape: I agree. No one wants to think about it not working, but sometimes its something to consider. I was with my ex nearly 7 years and we'd talked about getting married for nearly 3, and I considered myself 'waiting, for 2, but he never proposed. And we werent young, either, we started dating around 20/21. I finally ended it.. and when I talked to him later, and ask him why he didnt fight for it or want to marry me.. he said he was just wasnt sure yet and was waiting to 'be sure'. After 7 years, if he was still waiting for some sign to be sure, I dont know if and how he would have ever found it. But on the flip, I know of some people who happily dated for 8, 9, 10+ years before getting married. Only you would know best your situation and only time can really tell.
I feel like I've read a lot of posts about guys being "too comfortable", do you think this could be part of his problem? He might think you will never leave no matter what. Maybe you need to get out and do some of your own things and work on yourself a bit and not worry about him as much. Might help him realize what he has right in front of him (without being as subtle as no sexy time). Although I think you can say no as much as you like.
@jessiesbabe: LOL! you are exactly right! hahahaha
@HopefulInLove: YES. He knows I won't leave. We live together, have 2 dogs, I pay the bills, and we might as well be friggin married anyway. I am going to start going to a Yoga class offered at my local fitness center and focus on ME. I'm excited :) Thank you!
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SO has promised a proposal for two summers in a row. I told myself at the beginning of Spring I would give it til mid-October before I gave the situation some real thought.
He thinks I am marriage-crazed.. but no.. I'm not. I just want to marry the man I love, and I want it a lot. (he could do without marriage, it's not super important to him, he's much more concerned with having kids). We were on the same page about this (or so I thought) a long time ago. We set an intial wedding date, and he just... well.. didn't propose. It was rough. I didn't have answers and I was hurt. Now, over 2 years later.. he keeps saying he wants it, it just needs to be the right time.. which I am trying to sympathize with. . I know he loves me dearly, and he's ginuine when he says he wants to marry me. And since I believe his sincerity, it's hard for me to "get" why he's backed out for 2 years.
We had a long serious convo about the proposal/marriage this evening (it was a crappy one that turned very positive and understanding with a good outcome)... and he pulled out some (what I feel are..) excuses. But, in his defense.. they are about a career, finances, etc.. but he could have made it work financially by now and I know it (joint checking and I pay all the bills). It just was not on his priority list and I am trying to be ok with that.
(Disclaimer: mention of sexy time ahead)
So now for the evil part..after this conversation, maybe 10 minutes later he straight up asks for sexy time. And I rarely ever tell him no nicely, but I flat out said NOPE. He isn't giving me what I want, I won't give him what he wants (I was feeling ultra "I am woman, hear me roar" at this point.. haha)
And I briefly thought about holding out on sexy time for awhile... to let him know how it feels to want something a lot... but the other person does not. Ok... I won't really do that but the thought definitely entered my mind ;)