Weddingbee boards

As I posted here recently, my brother is in JAIL and most likely going BACK to prison.

He was incarcerated for 7 years up until this past March.  I was so glad he'd be at our wedding, and he was going to walk me down the aisle.  Well aside from my disappointment that THAT is not happening, I'm just furious in general..  I've been half-jokingly telling him in letters for years that I can't WAIT until he gets out so that HE can deal with our mother for once.

When it's just me (and he is locked up) she dumps on me constantly.  I wanted him to "share the load", so to speak.

Of course I never imagined she'd treat him as horribly as she did once he did come home.  For all those years that's all she talked about. She sent emotional letters to the parole board and then when he finally does get out she did NOTHING to help him emotionally or in any way be supportive.  I am not excusing his behavior but my god, that woman (as I think I've said before) could drive Mother Teresa to drink!

So now, right before this happened (like the day before) she and I actually had a nice civil time together, and she actually went wedding dress shopping with me and talked about what she might wear to the wedding.  This was the first indication since we were officially engaged in May that she was even coming!  Prior, she just changed the subject if I brought it up.

Now, the day after, he was arrested and his car impounded.  She is insistent that *I* go to his place and clean out all his stuff, clothes, papers, etc.  The place belongs to her and now all of a sudden she wants it clear so she can rent it out, even though it's been sitting unoccupied for most of the last 5 years and she didn't care before.   She has this idea in her head that I "agreed" that if "anything happend" with my brother, that I would go clean out his place!

Then she goes on about how "technically" everything in the place is HERS because he owes her so much money, and she wants to dictate who can or can't have what (for example, the bed I gave him, she does NOT want my SIL --his wife--to have and insists that I call the Salvation Army to pick it up rather than give it to his wife.

Long story but he and his wife didn't live together when he was released, but they are still legally married and still very good friends, just not typically "husband and wife" anymore.  But, my mom is insane and my SIL told her off recently so the war is "on"... oh and I was present and I'm now the ungrateful daughter for not interfering in the fight.  Verbal fight, to clarify.  They were both wrong but they are both adults and my mom knows how to push EVERYONE'S buttons so I wasn't surprised when my SIl finally lost it and let her hear it, so I didn't see the need to "interfere"!  But now she is never letting that go (my mother).

She also has a fixation with being present when I go over there to clean it out, like she doesn't trust me to deal with stuff in the way she wants.  This is an issue for her though because in order for her to come and be there, it's 30 minutes from where she lives with my Grandma, who she cares for full time (Alzheimer's)... so she has to hire a sitter at $10 an hour to come and be present while **I** clean out his belongings.  WTF?

So she is haranguing me about pinning down an exact time when I will go out there to deal with this, and insisting I bring my eldest son (hello, 18 years old, has his own life!)... and mad because I haven't done it already, and mad because I haven't agreed to do it on HER schedule.  School starts back up for FI and myself Monday, it will be crazy and it always is the first few weeks until we settle into a routine... and my mom likes to do everything at the crack of dawn, so I no, I cannot give her a set time I will be there and why should I?  this is her weird obsession anyway.

So I am p.o'ed at my brother for doing what he has done, missing my wedding, and leaving ME to deal with this woman who gave birth to us both.

And I am p.o'ed at her because she is acting like SHE is the only person who is grieving right now over what my brother has done to himself, like she's the only one who has lost anything, and keeps making comments like "It's YOUR turn, I've been dealing with his bull for 27 years now" and telling me to send him some money and that he needs pants and a shirt for court and so forth.

It's insane.

And she has talked about nothing since this happened besides what I need to do.  I need to go get the car out of impound.  I need to go clear the place of his personal effects.. (but everything belongs to her, remember!).  She had to go to the pawn shop and try and get his stuff out that he'd pawned right before this happened, this was HER choice because he owes her money and the stuff is worth way more than what he pawned it for and she can sell it... but she carried on about how it cost her $80 to get a sitter for my Grandma and how she had to beg and cry at the pawn shop to get them to release the items to her, all like I was supposed to have done it for her.

I know that what has happened is HORRIBLE and I know that there is a very good chance that he will end up dying in prison.  It KILLS me.  My brother practically raised me himself!!!  But I see no poing in obsessing over it, to the point of excluding everything else, like she is doing. 

I sent out STD's this week, including hers, and I am just waiting for a nasty text message about how I have time for "that" but not the stuff she wants done.  Just waiting.

Oh and the car... my brother put the car in my name but never transferred it. In other words when he bought it he had the seller put my name on the back of the title and the bill of sale, because he KNEW he would not be able to legally drive it or get it insured (drove it anyway but whatever)... so the car is technically "mine" now.  And my mom is on me about that every moment too.. she wants me to sell it to get money to go towards what he owes her.  And then my brother wants me to sell it to send money to him, and he is saying that what she says he owes is incorrect, and they won't agree on the numbers. 

My mother even tried to get me to sign a promissory note (with no figures!?) agreeing that any money from the sale of the car would go first to cover his debts to her.

I drove 5 hours with my SIL to get the damn car out of impound, all total I ended up being gone about 15 hours and this benefits me IN NO WAY at all.  I am not making a penny when this car sells, but I did it because it needed to be done.

My mom provided the cash to get it and the gas money and I provided her with all receipts from the trip.  She was INSISTING that I go get the car, so I did!  Then she acts like it was somehow fun for me or benefitted me?  The very next day she started harping on me going out to his place and when I told her I was exhausted and sore from the previous trip she only said "Yeah, tell me about it. Every time I visited your brother it was 8 hours round trip!"

Ugh!

I just feel nothing but hatred right now, and I don't even WANT her at my wedding, and what sucks about her is that her behavior will cause me to change my mind 20 times between now and then about it.

OMG that is soooo long, I am sorry, but I don't know how to make it less long without losing details and I'm just so upset and needed to get it all out. :(

@Georgia Bee:  You are right... and my mom know this intellectually.  She's been a landlady for decades, for this place and the house I grew up in and another small rental.   She knows there was no legal written anything with her and my brother, she supposedly took money of his already for rent "in advance" when he had money but had to use an account in her name to store it, there's all this arguing and he said/she said crap.  Honestly I have half a mind to keep the car and tell them both to get bent! Ha! Oh that would be sweet.  For a little while at least.

My mom is one of those people that holds things over you when she does something for you.  And it doesn't matter, you ALWAYS "owe her".  Unfortunately in the semi recent past I had a super huge problem (money) and had to turn to her.  And believe me, I hated it... and it hasn't happened in YEARS, but I had an issue with a check I was expecting being a week late, and I had to borrow money from her for that week to make my house payment on time. 

It was all paid back (with interest, by the way, which I offered and she didn't refuse) within one week... but in her world, this means I am indebted forever because I needed help and she came through.   And I don't make a habit of borrowing money from my mom, just to be clear.  I am extremely independent and learned decades ago that it was a bad idea but I had no other option.  So now it is back to bite me in the butt; this is where she gets all this "You HAVE to help me!" stuff.

She is just so out there lately. It's a long story.  I'm just tired of her.  I love her, she is my mother, but I long for the days when she wasn't such a basket case. And there were days in the past when she wasn't like this.  If not I think I would have cut all ties long ago.

She's got a martyr complex, she's hostile, she's demanding, critical... just, well, just UGH!!

This thing now with my brother and the money, double UGH.  Yes, he owes her money, but she carries on like she'll go hungry if she doesn't have it.. and for all her crying about how it feels like her son is "dead" (she said that last week), she sure is focused on getting his  stuff cleared out and getting the money he owes her more than anything else.  She and my grandmother live in a home that is paid for in full, has very very low taxes, cars are paid for, very little credit card debt (like less than $1000).. my mom went to Belize last year, Florida before that.. she has her own income PLUS my Grandma is the wife of a retired (and now deceased) Air Force Lt. Col.   They have a very good income, is my point, and almost no expenses.. and proportionally compared to the FIVE of us and our yearly income, well, it's a huge, huge difference.  Which is her business, and I don't expect anything from her, but I do tire of her poverty song.  Please!  She doesn't know what "broke" is.  She did when we were younger, there were tough times, but she has apparently forgotten.

No one is going hungry if my mom doesn't get the 2 grand my brother owes her (according to her).  So she needs to chill.  There's always this attitude with her that I have nothing else to do so why am I not at her beck and call and it's ridiculous!

Anyway, I know all that... and you are right... and I need to just shake it off but she can always manage to ruin my ENTIRE day and sometimes more.

@toothfairyb:  That is really good advice.  I can't imagine how much energy it takes her to STAY so angry and negative all the time.  Must be exhausting!

I do feel like I need to do something with the car though.   I guess I will just have to keep telling her that I will take care of it when I CAN and tell him the same.  The sooner I deal with the car the sooner they both leave me alone... although he isn't bothering me as much because he can't call here (my phone won't accept collect calls) so his "bothering" is via my SIL when he calls her.  ;)  And he's nowhere near anything like my psycho mom.

I just hate how all of this tugs at my "Do I want her at the wedding or not?" strings.  Ya know? 

The little girl in me remembers the mom I had that was nice and normal and yeah, that person wants her there.

The rational (?) adult says HELL no!

Anyway it is good to hear from someone outside this that this mess is NOT mine, because the way she goes on you'd think I gave birth to him as well (my brother I mean)... she talks about how I am obligated and so forth, and how it's "my turn" to deal with his crap, and I think "huh??"  I love him and I will do what I can for him but obligated to HER to help deal with HIM or clean this mess up for her benefit?  Whatever!

And I'm the youngest, the baby!  

One of these days she'll realize how much our relationship has suffered because she couldn't manage to be both mom to me AND him simultaneously, she's let his stuff interfere all my life, or left me to my own devices as a result of his stuff, and it will be sad for her to finally figure that out.