Post # 1
Im ready to crack. Theres just too much to deal with. Im unemployed, in a ton of debt from school which i got screwed over on, trying to plan this wedding entirely by myself cause my FI wont help at all, the only support I have in my life is my FI and we’ve been fighting a lot lately. I try to go to him for help and support but seems like all he ever cares about is himself. Like yesterday I got some really scarey health related news that which is another thing Im really freaking out about and i was in tears telling him about it and all he did was sat there looking at his stupid facebook!! and last night he got all pissed at me cause we had plans to go to a goodbye party for my cousin who is moving to London and his uncle called and wanted to go out with us. and he got all mad cause I said no! we got out with his uncle all the time and he knew we had these plans! just seems like anytime it involves something with me it doesnt matter, but if its for him i have to drop everything. like i always have to help him with his school work or his jobs when he has them like its automaticly my job to do this. if i ever want a day to myself and dont want to hang he gets pissed at me or if i get sick he gets mad. seriously!? when hes sick i take care of him like crazy but god forbid i can have a bad day. i just cant take this double standard anymore. I have already been diagnosed with servere depression and depression runs in my family al lot. both my mom and sister have been in the psych ward and have tried suicide, im trying to avoid that but im honestly ready to crack. ive tried to talk to him before and ive given up talking to my fam a long time ago cause they dont listen worth crap. i just dont know what to do anymore.
Post # 3
@jbbs1222: Have you considered talking with a therapist? I think it may be a good idea to help you cope with the anxiety/stress you are feeling. Also, I think it is really important that your FI understands how important it is for him to be supportive of you (which he should already know). I’d be getting my point across about that ASAP. Partnerships work both ways.
I will make a suggestion but I am not sure how it will be received. You mentioned a health scare, which I am assuming could cost you money. You aren’t bringing in any money right now, and you have a lot of debt (which is accumulating interest). I would suggest delaying the wedding until you have your feet under you again. I don’t think it’s a priority given what else you have going on.
Post # 4
I agree with @MrsPanda99: You should hold off on the wedding until you figure this stuff out. Going to the therapist is a great idea. Both of you need to go together as well.
I know it all must seem so overwhelming and your FI should be there for you for emotional support. He just doesn’t get it. Both of you need to talk to someone before doing anything else in regards to the wedding. There is no shame in putting it on hold.
Post # 5
I do have a pyschiatrist I see already and am on medication for depression but it only helps so much. And the health scare I dont know if it will cost money yet. I have to get it tested tomorrow to see if it is anything and yeh more the likey its nothing but still im scared and could use the support of my FI.
Post # 6
@jbbs1222: I think the relationship needs to be solid and both folks need to be happy before a marriage is even considered. If he can’t help you through the bad times, that’s a problem. There will be lots of ups and downs in your life and you need your partner by your side. I really believe that needs to come first :-
The debt is also a huge issue because you will be taking on even more for the wedding and I’m not sure that should be your first priority at the moment. Of course the choice is yours but you are obviously aware of your situation and you need to be proactive to get over these humps. Just my two cents.
Post # 7
@jbbs1222: …easy honey…its ok. We all have these times in our life where it all just seems to be going down the toilet, and there’s not a whole lot you can do about any of it, but you can change your attitude.
It sucks, no one’s denying that, you’re scared and that’s totally justified and your FI is being an asshole, no one’s arguing with you.
You got it all out, you know what’s what…time to set that aside, take a break, take a drive, take a breather…find a cafe somewhere, treat yourself to a sandwhich and a glass of wine, sit on the deck, soak up some sun, meet up with a girlfriend and get yourself some good old fashioned gossip, laugh, cry, and have dessert first….you’ve earned it.
When you get home, tell your FI its time to man up, you’re sick and its his turn to take care of you, whatever that means….because that’s what marriage is, so he might as well start practicing…make yourself a priority and remember, you are not your mother and you are not your sister, what’s happened to them isn’t going to happen to you just because your related…so its ok to be scared, but it’s not a done thing just yet.
Keep your head up, we all take our turn in the ditch!
Post # 9
Not to mention, I wouldn’t be running to marry a man who is not willing to be part of a team, which it doesn’t sound like he is right now. He seems uninterested in your issues, but expects you to be interested in his. He either doesn’t “get it” or doesn’t care. In either case, I wouldn’t rush to the altar until he learns that the two of you are a partnership.
Post # 10
I’d be inclined to put any wedding plans on the back burner for now and concentrate on your health issues and your finances. Trying to plan a wedding with an unwilling FI is only going to add extra stress that you don’t need right now.
Post # 11
I’m sorry you’re going through all this. However, as someone who’s been in his situation, I can tell you right now that he cannot be only person you’re leaning on. Yes, he’s supposed to be there for you, and it sounds like he’s been trying. But it’s overwhelming, and it’s more than one person can take. It’s a heavy burden, being the sole provider, knowing he’s the only source of income and hearing about wedding plans (that all cost money), health issues (that will cost money) and heaing about your debt too. The fact that you have no one else to talk to is concerning.
If your medication isn’t working, talk to your therapist. Let him/her know what’s going on, and they may be able to adjust your dosage or find something that’s working better for you. Mental health professionals aren’t psychic. If they think you’re coping and handling daily life, they’re not going to change your medications.
Post # 12
Youre getting some excellent advice, I hope you are able to use it.
If I found out right now I was losing my job, the first thing I’d do is postpone the wedding.
That unemployment income has to be prioritized. If I couldn’t get unemployment (or enough of it), I’d be beating down doors trying to find something retail/serving. It sucks, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do to get yourself stable. I’ve been there, I get it.
Once I had some income, my health would be priority #2.
Finally, I’d be re-evaluating this relationship. Have a talk with him about how you feel, and if you kept getting the vibe he doesnt care, I’d move on. Relationships take work, but with all you have going on right now you have to focus on yourself 1st.
Post # 13
@jbbs1222: sorry to hear what you are going though.
you need to have an honest but not accussing talk with your fiance.
when FI and I got engaged, i told him i wasn’t planning this wedding by myself and he needed to do certain things. i gave him a To Do list of things I expected and he is happily doing them. yes of course there are things he could care less about and that is all my department.
regarding respect. for a marriage to work, you need to respect each other, each other’s time and commitments. again this goes back to sitting down with your FI and discussing expectations and your feelings.
Post # 14
I say this kindly and not with any desire to be snarky but honestly, OP, have you listened to any of the advice on this thread? Only within the last hour or so you’ve posted threads about yet more wedding dresses you plan to buy and asking questions about suitable underwear in connection with a dress you haven’t even set eyes on
I get the impression that everything is getting overwhelming but for sure, you’ll never sort your finances out if you carry blithely on spending money you don’t have while planning for a wedding that your FI seems completely disinterested in. As I said upthread, concentrate on the fundamentals in your life. Worry about weddings when you in a much more sorted state.
Post # 15
@Steampunkbride: i still plan the wedding cause honestly thats one of the few things that still keeps me sane. it may stress me sometimes but planning my wedding always makes me happy. and i can afford a new dress because i just sold one. so yes i am listening to the advice, but that doesnt mean i have to get rid of the one thing that makes me happy. but thanks for the rant on me. i needed that.
Post # 16
@jbbs1222: Did you read what you wrote Steampunk? That you acknowledge this or that but are enjoying planning your wedding. Who are you planning to marry? This guy is NOT ready to get married so I’d use my energy to focus on me and not the wedding.
I get the impression that you are in denial on this fact. Party planning is fun but blindly marching forward towards a not-so-bright future is just asking for heartache.