Post # 1
So after losing a loved one last year my FI and I had a discussion on what we would want the other to do if one of us passed away. We both would want the other to find somebody to share thier life with. Neither of us can see ourselves being capable of doing that though. I know you never really know unless that happens. I just really don’t think I could do it. So what about you bees? Have you ever had that talk?
I want to know what you would want for him/her and what you think you would do.
Want him to move on/Don’t think I could
Post # 3
We’ve had this talk before and since we’re fairly young and don’t have any kids we both think we’d move on to other partners. It would of course be a million times worse than a breakup but we both kind of feel at this stage there’s not as much tying you to their life (like kids that still want to see their grandparents or remindyou every day of what’s been lost) so it would be easier to do so.
Post # 4
Would want him to move on, but give this girl a year’s worth of mourning!
Post # 5
hmm… I would want him to be happy. If that meant moving on with someone else, moving to a different location or picking up new hobbies it is fine as long as he moves on and it doesn’t ruin what life he has left!
Post # 6
We both have discussed funeral arrangements and all that jazz, but we can’t discuss what would do if the other passed away earlier in life. Actually, I can- he won’t. He has a really hard time with it.
I think I’m much like you though. However, I also think it’s because I’m only imagining it after many years. It may sound cruel or unloving (and I love him so much), but I enjoyed several relationships before I met him. While I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and will be willing to go through all the ups and downs, I can imagine that if he passed early on I would be able to enjoy another relationship- though likely not nearly as dedicated.
Post # 7
FI and I have talked about it before after reading/hearing some tragic news. He told me he would want me to find someone else to care for me, but he would stay single because he wouldn’t give a shit. He’s so romantic. I didn’t tell him to find anyone but I did say to let someone in if they ever did come into his life. I would be an absolute wreck for awhile and probably stay single. Just can’t imagine being with anyone else..
Post # 8
I think that we both are of the understanding that we just want the other to live as happy and healthy of a life as possible, whether one of us is dead or both of us are alive.
If my MJ passed away I would lose my shit. But I would hopefully find a way to carry on eventually, and that includes hopefully falling in love again. I would want him to experience the same.
Post # 9
We talked about it I told him I 100% would want him to move on and be happy. He told me that this is the happiest he’s ever been, no one has ever or could ever come close to what we have, and if anything ever happened to me he would put my ring and my picture on the mantle and be content with the friends and family that he has and be happy for the time we had together. I thought he was joking, but he said he’s 100% sure that he would never marry again, even after I insisted that I am/ would be fine with it. I’m getting teary-eyed just thinking about it.
He also said “That’s just me though, I would never expect you not to find someone if I were gone.”
Post # 10
A few years ago, I was in a long term relationship with a man whose wife died very young in a car accident. They had been married for 3 years and she died when she was 23. We started dating about 2 weeks shy of the 1 year anniversary of her death. If I had been older and wiser, I never would have pursued a relationship with this man. It’s not that he wasn’t a great guy, it’s that he was absolutely not ready for a relationship. We were together for a little over 4 years and there was never a day that went by without the burden of her memory looming over our relationship. I never wanted him to forget about her, obviously that would be impossible, but I’m not sure anyone who hasn’t been in a similar situation can know what it’s like to be second best in every way to a dead wife. We lived together, but our walls held pictures of their life together, not mine. Their wedding pictures, their families, their special occasions. Every song reminded him of her and never me. Every Christmas was heavily shadowed by his grief. Every August (she died in August) was a month of speechless mourning. Every birthday was marked by the Beatles playing nonstop because that was her favorite band. He was NOT ready to be with another woman, but neither of us really came to accept that until the end of our relationship. It was so so so hard to be the “other” woman to this man I loved so much. Indescribably hard.
So, with that experience, I can tell you that while I may date again and even remarry, I would wait a long, long time to do so. My ex-bf subconciously used me as a coping mechanism for his unrelenting grief and it only made everything so much worse for him. My husband is the love of my life and I know that any man I would meet after his death would have the thankless task of being my second best unless I waited until I was truly ready to move on. I would never want to do that to a person.
Post # 11
We have discussed this only in a joking manner, I told him I expect to be cremated and want him to put my ashes by the fireplace and never date again.
Post # 12
I read this beautiful piece by Emily Yoffee and it gave me a great perspective on marriages after a spouse dies.
I would want my FI to find fulfillment in his life, including remarrying if he chose. I believe he would always love me for who I was, and would love another wife for who she would be.
I think if he died, I could eventually remarry, but it would take a long time. Like at least 10 years.
I’m not saying there’s a right or wrong way to do this… but after my aunt died, my uncle met and got engaged to another woman before he had bought his first wife a headstone. That stung.
Post # 13
My mother became a single mother after my father passed when I was very young. She did try to start dating again, years later, but never found another “Mister Right”, and while I don’t think she regrets that, I do think she’s quite lonely now that she’s reached her older age. I don’t want that for my Mister. I’d like to think that, eventually, he’d heal, and he’d go on with life, and eventually make some other woman very happy. I’d never begrudge him that. And if he were to die first, I’d like to think I’d do the same. But I’d be in no hurry, because healing takes time, and because he’s going to be a tough act to follow.
About 10 years ago, the fiance of a good friend of mine was killed in a motorcycle accident. He was a really wonderful guy and they were spot-on perfect together, and it was just heartbreaking. She didn’t date at all for about 5 years, and didn’t have anyone serious in her life till about a year ago. I’m very happy to see her happy and in love again, as she’s picked herself quite a nice Mister, and I wish them all the best.
Post # 14
I discussed it with my FI and I told him he’s not allowed to become a recluse. I could see him becoming very depressed because he doesn’t talk about his feelings with anyone. I also told him it’s ok to move on!!
Post # 15
@MrsElopement: I would worry about FI becoming a recluse also. I’m practically the only person he “talks” with also- like meaningful conversations. Our men must be cut fromt he same shy cloth 😛
Post # 16
@risingsun: My grandfather got remarried 6 months after my stepgrandma died (they had been together for 20ish years) and I remember being really upset about it. Now my gma set my gpa and his 3rd wife up (she had cancer and the 3rd wife was her college roommate) but I still thought the whole thing was too soon.