Just curious: When is it okay to NOT be the bigger person?

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think the line depends on what the person is doing. If the person is just being a Bitch – then always be the bigger person. The moment you snap back then people will say “you both were in the wrong” even though she was wrong long before you were and to a greater extent. You don’t want people to ever question which side to be on. I’d rather be the “good” person who stays classy and sophisticated and rises above it.

If however that person is putting me in an uncomfortable situation bordering on workplace harassment then I would report it. I guess that’s still being the bigger person, but it does make it messier. 

Post # 4
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

For me…as long as I’m getting paid to do it, I will be the bigger person. I’m a nurse, and occasionally find myself being abused by a patient. As long as I’m on the clock and I’m not in danger, I am calm, cool, and rational. I am empathetic and apologetic, even if someone is screaming in my face- because chances are, it’s not about me anyhow. (Now, I will set boundaries, tell people if they’re being inappropriate, etc, but I won’t even engage if they go personal.)

 

In real life, people tend to treat me better than that (lol!), and I very rarely find myself having to be the “bigger person.” But if I’ve tried everything (and it sounds like you have), and the behavior continues, no way I’m going to let it continue. I’ll let em have it. In a calm, cool, collected, intelligent way, of course. Lots of curse words and insults that aren’t relevant don’t usually work, I tend to go for blood- their insecurities, personality flaws, and the like.

Edit: If you’re sneaky enough about the way you approach it, you can avoid people ever thinking you did anything wrong. This is borderline psychological harassment and high school mean girl stuff, but seriously, sometimes there are times where it is needed.

Post # 5
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I usually try REEEEAAAAL hard to be the bigger person, however… I have my moments of taking the low road. Last year there was a huge fallout with some family members that ended in tons on facebook (as well as “real life” drama. This (middle aged) woman kept saying that my mom was a drug addict and that FI were low life drug dealers (uhhh WHAT on both cases!!!???!?) and her husband threated to kick my FI’s ass, etc etc. I ended up going low and joining in on posting public things about how if people in our family decided to still be on their side, I would lose all respect for them (what they did was REALLY horrific and downright MEAN. They took advantage of a situation where we helped them out a LOT, and completely disrespected us and our property) etc. I ended up blocking most of the family, and no longer talk to 95% of the people in my family. A few in the family have “disowned” my parents, FI and myself. Oh well.

But most of the time I have FI to talk me down if I start wanting to take low roads.USUALLY I can contain myself and be the mature person, but personal attacks send me over the edge really fast.

Post # 6
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@LadyBlackheart:  When you have to start making decisions like that, it’s time for that person to stop being in your life (So I hope it’s not your FMIL!)

Post # 8
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@LadyBlackheart:  After hearing your story…..this is not about “being the bigger person” this is about how not to be a doormat.

Honey – you need to step up and confront her and tell her this is not ok.  Again – that’s not being a bigger person, that’s standing up for yourself.

Post # 9
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@LadyBlackheart:  If you are living with someone, that changes things.

How much longer will you be living together? For the forseeable future?

Have a house meeting to discuss issues like this. Possibly even bring up that the person who leaves lights on will have to start paying more of the eletrical bill. Make some solid house rules and if she breaks them (or you break them!), have some consequences.

This isn’t about being the bigger person, this is about not being a door mat. BUT, do NOT do anything mean (salt her food etc). Just create rules that make her life harder.  

Either she’ll straighten out or find a new place to live. 

Post # 10
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@skippydarling:  Woah, we just said almost exactly the same thing, you must have posted as I was typing. Freaky:

this is not about “being the bigger person” this is about how not to be a doormat.”

This isn’t about being the bigger person, this is about not being a door mat.”

Great minds. 🙂

Post # 11
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think being the bigger person sucks sometimes. The person who’s being an asshole should be called out on it and it shouldn’t be pushed under the rug. It’s sometimes annoying to be the bigger person when someone else always gets away with being a jerk. They should be called out on it and feel how you feel. 

But its better to let things go, even though it sucks. 

Post # 13
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@LadyBlackheart:  Some things in your story you just have to let go because it is part of having roommates. Everyone is different and does not have to follow your rules since they pay the rent as well. The lights for example whilst annoying to you is not a big deal.

Keep your stuff in your room and don’t lend her your phone. You lending her your stuff is not her mooching it is you letting her. It is your stuff and it is your decision to let her use it.

The food is annoying but unless you see her eating it you really have no proof that it is her.

I don;t understand why you are continuing to allow this person to live with you? Even if it is some sort of assigned housing surely there are processes that you and your other roommate can go through to raise your concerns?

Post # 16
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@LadyBlackheart:  There has to be something. I would step up the requests to the leasing company. I would also maybe get some legal advice over the lease contract to determine your rights.

There has to be something with in the contract that deals with disputes between tenants. Technically you could have her on stealing/theft. Could you set up a hidden camera to film her taking your food etc.

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