Post # 1
I’m just curious if there are any bees who deicded against pre-marital counseling. Why did you decide not to go? Do you regret it? Do you feel like you’re missing important marriage tools?
Was thinking about this last night, and was curious about this choice!
Post # 3
We were originally going to do pre-marital counseling, just to make sure that even though we’d been together 7 years and had lived together for over 3 that we were going in completely as a team.
Unfortunately for counseling (but fortunately for our lives in general), Darling Husband got transfered to London for work 6 months before the wedding. Counseling was no longer feasible, but we did both read the book “7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work” and took it to heart.
We had a very strong relationship prior to the wedding, and we have a very strong relationship since the wedding.
I feel like having counseling prior to the wedding would have been beneficial, but at the same time I don’t feel like we are at a disadvantage by not having had it.
ETA: We are not religious as well so there was no counseling requirement, we just thought it might be a good idea to have some couples/pre-marriage counseling in a completely secular environment.
Post # 4
We didn’t. One factor, we aren’t religious so we didn’t have a home base church or anyone to consult with on that end. Not that pre marital counseling is exclusively religious, but I know when many couples marry in a church it is recommended and provided readily for them. But even still it just wasn’t for us (though I do greatly respect and participate in the benefits of counseling).
One thing I can say is, I think it might have helped us pinpoint our styles of disagreeing earlier on than we did by ourselves! It took us a good couple of years to figure out the boundaries concerning that, but other than that we mesh well.
Post # 5
We are choosing not to go because we lived together for 4 years. What is the counselling going to reveal that hasn’t been revealed already?
We are in the older category, late 40’s, and not having any kids, and not actually owning any property, and not having a whole lot of money…. and we are slowly agreeing on religion.
Post # 6
I was forced to when I married my first husband. My mother guilt tripped me into getting married in the Catholic church. I was only just 21 and very weak willed where my parents were concerned.
I found it a complete waste of time. Being told about marriage from someone with no experience of marriage? Farce.
As myself and Fiance are both in our forties, and have both lived with partners in the past, we don’t need it.
Post # 7
We are not religious, although I was raised Anglican and are getting married in the church. Since the church is in a different province we were given the option of an online marriage course. It was not religious or preachy. It addressed a number of great issues. I strongly recommend to anyone getting married. If anything it solidified for us that we were indeed a great match. It has you compare loads of things. You see how you react to each other and to situations. It has you discuss your finances, family, values. I originally saw it as a necessary evil to getting the wedding I wanted. But now, I recommend it to everyone. It was really, really good. You can do the online version at marriageprep.com. There are 11ish different section each one with a video and exercises.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016
We aren’t because, like PPs have said, it’s not readily available to us. I do think it’s really beneficial, I mean, you go to the dentist for your teeth, the doctor for your body, why not go to an expert to check out your relationship and help you to see if it’s healthy.
Although we aren’t doing traditional pre-marital counseling, we did buy the book Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married and the Five Love Languages. Obviously those don’t replace traditional counseling, but they do have important questions in them and even though we had already discussed many of them in our time together, it was still helpful and showed that we were on the same page (:
Post # 9
We did not, and it was not even something we considered. We are not religious, and we have lived together for 3 years. We went through some tough stuff together in the first year of our relationship, so if we could get through that, we can make it through anything. Plus, we already have talked about when we would want kids, how many, jobs and retirement, how we handle our money, etc. For us, it just was not something we felt we needed to do.
Post # 10
We didn’t because we didn’t think it was necessary. We’re capable of working through any issues that we have on our own without any outside help. We were together for many years before marriage and lived as a married couple long before it was official. We’re both on the same page as far as the big life decisions go and we have a great relationship. Frankly, it seemed like a waste of time for us and no, I’ve never once regretted it.
Now that I think about it, pre-marital counseling is rare around here. The only people that I know that had any kind of counseling were those who are religious and their church required it. I don’t know anyone who did it that didn’t have to.
Post # 11
We chose to not go to pre-marital counseling. We aren’t getting married in a church (most of which require counseling in our area), so we didn’t “have to” do counseling. We decided it just wasn’t necessary for us. We’ve been together for over seven years now and we’ve dealt with some pretty hard times (extended hospitalizations of family members in the ICU, lots of family deaths including a parent, serious injuries which limited mobility for 6 months, etc) and we have also lived together for a couple years already. Some of the things that happened in the last few years.. I pretty much can’t imagine us ever having to deal with anything worse, so I think our relationship can take almost anything at this point. Although from my experience with people i know, it seems like people only get counseling if they are getting married in a church that requires it.
Post # 12
Thanks for your input, I’ll be honest: Fiance and I are wondering if we want to make this $800 expense part of our next-few-months budget. Originally, I thought for sure we’d do it…our officiant (non-denominational) offers counseling, but portions of it are secular. We are not religious either, and part of me feels guilty for perhaps passing this up, but we’ve been together for 6 years, and living together for three. I know that may not be a reason not to, but it doesn’t seem like something we need to definitely do. Like KatyElle said, if anything, I’d want to discuss our methods of disagreement.
Since time and money are running short for us before the wedding (and my parents aren’t putting our pre-marital counseling into the wedding budget they’re giving us), we may forego it and opt for “1001 Things To Discuss Before Marriage” or something along those lines, if only to have a good, deep conversation about topics.
I looked into the “Five Love Languages”, but it appeared to be religion based, and we are not at all interested in that. Creating our marraige in the eye of god and in the church are not what we’re looking for.
In previous posts I’ve divulged all of the other huge post-wedding changes we’re undergoing: in less than two months after we’re married, Fiance will start med school, and we’ll have to make a huge life change and move to a different city. By the time the leavse change again, our lives will be a total 180 from what they are right this minute. It has made us wonder if maybe we should seek come couples counseling after our wedding to help us navigate our newlywed life in conjunction with this huge change.
Is that stupid/pointless?
Post # 13
We are not because we don’t feel it is necessary .We have been together for 7 years without any major problems and could simply do a lifetime without it. 🙂
No offense to anyone that has opted for it!
Post # 14
We’re in the same boat, akp0702 – our non-denominational officient offers counselling, but when we looked at the time and expense, it didn’t seem worth it. We’ve been living together for 3 years and resolve conflicts very well on our own. In my opinion, nothing is going to come out of counselling that would stop us from getting married or make us reconsider.
I do feel a little guilty short-changing the actual “marriage” part of the wedding… we’ve been reading some relationship books (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is surprisingly insightful!) and are thinking about doing counseling (with our officient even) after the wedding when time and money aren’t in such short supply.
And no, I don’t think it’s pointless at all to get couple’s counselling after you’re married! Building a marriage takes a lifetime, not just the X months that you’re planning the wedding.
Post # 15
we aren’t because we see no reason to. also, i wouldn’t even know where to look for that where it wouldn’t cost money that we don’t have.
Post # 16
@toshella: That’s a good point…I will admit, I do feel some guilt not opting for it….but before we got engaged, couple’s counseling wasn’t something we ever considered or felt we needed. What has changed? Surely, stresses are higher with wedding planning, etc…but that’s why we feel maybe–if anything–we’d seek some counseling to discuss ways to navigate through all of the change we have coming up, while still finding ways to make our marriage and newlywed months stronger.
Definitely makes me feel better to see that other bees have opted out of what I’ve been told is “not an option…it’s a must do”.