I think the best way to go is if you have to ask you already know the answer.
IMHO, (and you did ask),I honestly think that she is going through something really hard right now and you have just served her a big slap in the face. think how she would be feeling right now. You said yourself that you would be there for her, but from what you've written it doesnt seem like that at all. some people dont want to write about it or talk over the phone. did you ever go out of your way to see her?
I really feel like you wernt getting your own way and its easier for you to do this. not trying to offend you.
I don't know that what you have done IS the right thing.
I think you know that though.
I think if you were to demote her, it should be something done/said in person so she would have a chance to discuss it with you face-to-face. Emails and phone calls can be so easily misinterpreted and, while you may have had the best of intentions, if she's really feeling this crappy, I doubt she would go "That's great! Wedding3134 is looking out for my best interests and I don't have to be her MOH anymore!" Chances are she did take it the wrong way, because it's so hard to take anything positively when the rest of your life is potentially starting to look crap.
Ouch. This conversation should have happened in person and started with you asking if she would like to step down and you insisting your feelings wouldn't be hurt. Kicking her out by email must have really hurt. I guarantee that the relatives who unfriended you were forwarded that email. If you want to salvage the situation you should take her out to lunch or surprise her at work or something and grovel because dannng.
Well, you asked for opinions.. so here goes:
I read this as saying, a year out from your wedding, she wasn't super interested. She has her own life going on, and it's hard to drop everything for something that's a year away. Time goes on, and she gets diagnosed with a terrible disease. Shortly after, you email her, point out that you know her medical business without her telling you, and then kicked her out of your wedding party. To me, that's a friendship ending move. If she wanted to come alone, that was her decision. If she doesn't like to dance or drink, that's her decision. For you to base her being your MOH (the most important person standing next to you other than your fiance) on her willingness to dance and party and her desire to come alone is.. inappropriate, at the least.
So, yes, I think you did the wrong thing, and I also think you ended your friendship with this one.
FWIW - I'm super personal about medical issues, so if someone emailed me out of the blue and talked about a condition I had without my telling them, I'd be really upset about that, too.
abbie017 this exactly. And asking Dr google about how shes feeling and going to feel on your big day is just not the same as asking your friend.
To me it sounds like a avery one sided friendship. And if you want to fix it i honestly dont think you can.
I think you did the wrong thing. She not making the effort she should in keep in touch. But given all she going through with a illness that new I suspect your wedding was not as important as that, nor should it be.
I don't know what her being social, dancing,introverted, and not a drinker has to do with your friendship. I doubt she be following you around or asking you to "babysit". I have a few friends like that and a couple of family members who are super relegious , and I know what most likly going to happen is they mingle, enjoy dinner and when the dancing starts head home. I don't think it's fair to expect them to change their whole personality and behave in ways they normally wouldn't just for a wedding.
She sounds like she has a tough year, and what you did wasn't very nice. I hope it was a laspe of judgement on your part and that you apologize. It's important as brides that we keep our weddings in perspective and we remember what is really important when it comes to the other relationships in our lives. I honestly don't think this can saved, but if it's worth it to you, you should try.
@wedding3134: My opinion is definitely going against the grain, but I agree with what you've said and done. This friend has stopped being a friend, for various reasons no doubt, is going through a huge rough patch and probably doesn't want to deal with your wedding on top of everything else she is going through.
I do however agree that this conversation probably should've happened on the phone or in person so she could tell you how she feels and give her opinion - especially if you haven't spoken in a while. Does she live long distance?
I also almost get the feeling that she was looking for a reason to react this way though? Not speaking to you, even when you offer your full support and don't talk about weddings, seems to be really strange. But her whole family defriending you, now that is downright suss.
Maybe there is more to this story...
There are so many threads like this one, and very early into wedding planning I decided one thing about my bridesmaids from reading things such as this.
I was not going to give an ounce of responsibility to any of my bridesmaids or maid of honor. I want things done a specific way, and not everybody has the time, energy or want to devote to your wedding a year in advance and more. Moreso, I chose 5 girls that I want to stand by my side on my wedding day, and that I love because they're my best friends.
I know that they appreciate the way I am handling this because they are busy, spread out with work and their own relationships, and generally don't care. So in a way, I'm def not a huge fan of what you did. I don't blame the girl or her family for being insulted.
Wow...well, if you really want to know if I think you did the right thing, no, I don't think so. I think what you did was horrible. From the very beginning my red flags were up because you're judging her on not being a big fan of drinking and dancing (umm so what? Lots of people aren't, myself included, and I am still happy and excited to attend friends weddings and be their BMs), and acting like it's weird she wants to come alone - well yeah, if she's the MOH she's going to be busy, I wouldn't spend a bunch of money for someone to come overseas with me either when I knew I wouldn't get to spend much time with them.
And then I got to the part about her illness, and while your initial reaction was that of a caring friend...you then turned around and kicked her out of your wedding party. In an e-mail. I'm sure you hurt her, and I don't think it was the right thing to do. Your MOH should be your best friend - and with best friends and close relationships, often one person is going through a tough time and needs the other. You probably feel like right now is your time because of the wedding, but that is a happy event. She has been diagnosed with an illness she is dealing with, and might not be ready to talk about yet, and instead of waiting patiently and being there for her, you kicked her out of your wedding party, despite the fact that her illness has not caused her to balk or try to get out of any of her MOH duties. I think that was a serious lapse of judgement on your part, and if you don't act soon it's probably a friendship-ender as well.
Ann, if you want to salvage your friendship, pick up the phone. It's unfortunate that this "conversation" was via e-mail, because it came across very harsh to your friend, even though that wasn't your intention, hence why her family has de-friended you. Being demoted was probably like a slap on the face- if she needed to step down, she probably would have told you.
I don't think it's ever ok to demote a member of the wedding party, so I especially don't think it's ok that you demoted this girl when she didn't do anything wrong. It's a safe bet that your friendship is over, you just killed it by demoting her.
Now not only is she going through some terrible things, but her supposed best friend just rejected her for those very things. You did the wrong thing in my opinion, if you were concerned about her health and added stress of being your MOH, you should have talked to her to see if she felt she would have a problem with it or not, you should never have assumed that she couldn't handle her responsibilities.
I also think your feeling like you would "have to babysit" during your wedding is an overreaction, so what that she wanted to attend alone, it's her choice to not drink or dance, that doesn't mean she can't be social in other ways, getting drunk and making a fool out of yourself on the dance floor doesn't make you a social person. She probably didn't want to bring a date because she knew she would be busy and away from the date for most of the time she was out there for your wedding.
I don't know if you did the right or the wrong thing, but I do see where your reasoning came from and based on what you've told us, I think you had your friend's best interests at heart. I probably would've felt the same as you, considering it sounds like she wasn't interested in the first place, she hasn't really reached out to you or shown interest in talking, and the feeling that you didn't want to burden her. The problem is, as clearly most of the other posters in this thread have told you, is that while you may see a situation from one angle, others will see it from another. Communication over the internet is difficult! I would suggest calling up your friend and trying to talk to her about things.
Good luck with things, I hope they work out alright for you!
I think you were completely wrong as a friend and as a person. I also think you are too self absorbed to have any genuine understanding or empathy for this girl. I think she is being the bigger person by not responding to you. And I hope she never does.
I agree with the majority of the PPs that what you did was wrong. From reading your post, it doesn't sound as if you two were doing anything more than e-mailing each other. Do you two live near each other? Even so, phone calls convey more sentiment than an e-mail. Perhaps she didn't want to discuss her medical issues with you because she didn't want to make it seem like her world was encroaching on your wedding planning. You say you heard of her illness second-hand; you had no right to let her know that you knew, even though you said you were going to be there for her. It is her decision to make it known to whoever she wishes about her illness. You don't know how her illness is affecting her emotionally right now, no matter what internet research you did. You chose her to be you MOH for a reason, and decided to demote her as an excuse to not "baby" her. I'm sorry if I sound mean, but this is just making me angry for some reason. I really hope you two can mend fences.
Ouch! I agree with PPs and think you did the wrong thing. To be perfectly honest, I think what you did was terrible and you probably ended your friendship with this girl. To kick someone out of your bridal party is a friendship ending move in itself, but to do it via email is an extra slap in the face.
She did nothing to deserve being kicked out of your BP. Just because she doesn't drink or dance or is super social or doesn't want to bring a date (maybe she felt bad about asking someone to spend lots of money to attend an overseas wedding or doesn't have the money to pay for a date - did you consider that?) doesn't make her unworthy of being a MOH.
Your friend is probably going through a very very tough time - and thus the lack of communication. She might even be depressed. And instead of being supportive and understanding, as PP said, you rejected her. You decide to focus on how this would affect your wedding and made the decision that she can't handle the responsibility of being your MOH without discussing it with her. All she really needs to do is get the dress and show up so saying you are worried about her being too stressed almost feels like a scapegoat to not wanting to have to "babysit" her (hopefully that is not really the case).
You say you know for a fact that you aren't a bridezilla, but what you did was actually a very bridezilla move. If you have any desire to keep this friendship, you will call this girl up, ask her out for coffee, and apologize profusely for acting like an asshat.
@wedding3134: I feel like she will read it and think "so I'm not allowed to be your honour as I have a disease?" or feel like she has been punished for being diagnosed with something.
Yep, that's what I would think if I were her. It should have been left up to her to decide how she's feeling and if she thinks she can fulfill the role of MOH. You took that decision away from her. You have no idea what that feels like until it happens to you, but I guarantee, it's one of the worst feelings ever and if I were her I'd seriously rethink the friendship as well.
I think you were in the wrong here. What does her drinking and dancing have to do with the wedding? I had 7 BM and only 3 were drinking and dancing at my wedding. People have their own lives and no one is going to be more excited about your wedding than you. My BM didn't call me all the time checking on wedding stuff and that was cool because I know that they were busy. As far as her illness, you shouldn't have brought it up especially since she didn't tell you about it herself. I don't know if you can repair this but if you want to you need to get on the phone and call her and apologize right away.
This was pretty presumptuous of you, sorry to say.
It may have been hard because she didn't respond to emails or whatever, but you should have called or met up with her or something and discussed this before just surprise-demoting her. You didn't give her a chance, really, especially considering the crap she's probably been going through. I don't know what this "illness" is, if it's life-threatening, or slowly progressively debilitating, or just a difficult lifelong nusiance and flares. You can't know how it is. Regardless, you should have discussed it with her.
You should have at least given her the option instead of just assuming she couldn't handle it and didn't want to, or ASKED her how she'd feel, and share your concerns... not just "Oh you have a disease? BYE."
Why did you choose her in the first place to be MOH? You must have been at least somewhat close at some point, yes?
I've had MOH worries in the past so I get where you're coming from. But through support on the bee I realized what it was all about...my best friend being by my side at my wedding and if not that...having a place for her by my side on my wedding day even if she couldn't make it.
So, even though I may have made the same mistake had I not talked to others first to gain some perspective, I think your decision was harmful to you both. She could have been your MOH and not done any planning. You could have had a second MOH to do that stuff and just had your special MOH attend the wedding as planned (what we're doing since my MOH is out of the country and having a baby).
I'm sorry to say but I think wedding brain got to you on this one. A friend with a terminal illness is a pretty huge thing and she needs love and support.
@wedding3134: I am sure you're not coming back to read these replies, but on the slight chance that you do, did you ever stop to think for one minute that maybe your friend still wanted to be your MOH because it would keep her mind busy for a bit and off of her own illness?
No, of course you didn't. Instead, you most likely made her feel that much worse by kicking her out of the bridal party. Her family had every reason to defriend you on Facebook. You are not a true friend to her.
I know of a few people that were diagnosed with a serious illness that did not tell even their best friends for MONTHS. Maybe she wanted to handle it on her own without any sympathy from anyone. If she is introverted like you say, she probably isn't the type of person to announce to the world anyway that she is sick. And something like that you just don't announce in an email anyway. Maybe she "didn't seem interested" in your emails because she was dealing with her own problems? She DID keep in touch however - an email once every couple of months in my opinion is keeping in touch!
No one is ever going to be as excited about your wedding as you and your FI. These posts, where the bride expects everyone to just stop living their lives because they are in their bridal party really irk me. You have been a complete bridezilla and if you honestly do care about her friendship you need to pick up the phone and call and beg her forgiveness.
However, not one sentence of your post leads me to believe that you value her friendship at all.
I have a chronic pain condition that started a couple years ago & it's debilitating. It has been an incredibly isolating experience as many "friends. Have dropped me once I wasn't as fun anymore, and once they weren't always the center of attention. From my perspective what you did was just horrible. I assume (hope) you asked her to be your maid of honor because you were really close not because she would be a good coordinator for you. It also sounds like you told her you were there for her but haven't reached out now that she can't do what she used to do. If I were you, I would call get and apologize. And ASK HER what she is able to do & comfortable with. Whatever duties you assumed she performed can be given to others without demoting her. And furthermore, I would suggest you try to find ways to socialize to her on her terms, like perhaps movie nights at her place or something like that. Chronic pain & illness is exhausting & like I said, extremely isolating. And because if that minor slights (and this isn't minor) can feel huge because you get desperate for socializing and friends who actually care about you beyond what you can do for them. With chronic illness or disability people often treat you like a child and make decisions for you that they have no business making, including assumptions about your abilities rather than allowing you autonomy. This probably feels to her like one of those times, where you are more worried about how her illness affects you rather than how it affects her. That is what I suggest you do if you want to be a good friend. But it kind if sounds like having a perfect wedding is more important to you. I really hope I'm wrong about that though.
Ok I'll say that from the tone of what you wrote, you sound like a nice person.
However, I wouldn't at all come to your wedding after you did this to me.
It's really harsh to assume that she wouldn't be able to handle things, or to assume that you'd be babysitting her because she was there alone and not drinking. I have a friend with Lupus and a deathly peanut allergy and she struggles with general life daily, and she attended my wedding just fine. And my stepsister who attended alone did just fine too. It kind of sounds like you're using all that as an excuse for simply not wanting her there - that's how I'd take it. You made a looooot of assumptions without talking to her. You know what they say about 'assuming' right?...What you did was you basically just 'decided.'
And to suggest that she can still get her hair done with you and get ready with you and your girls and attend but not as MOH - isn't being considerate, that just sounds like pity. And rubbing salt in the wound. Who'd want to do that after being demoted?? That'd be so humiliating.
Sorry. I think you just burned that bridge. Move on and have your wedding and expect to never hear from her again.
I think you did the right thing OP. It sucks but you were put between a rock and a hard place. Maybe once the wedding stuff dies down you can reachout to your friend again. how about sending her a giftset and a nice heartfelt (handwritten) note
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Hi all,
I signed up to the Bee as I'm feeling terrible and I need to know whether or not I did the right thing. I have just wrote an email to my friend, telling her that she should come to our wedding as a guest, but not as MOH anymore.
I had been feeling a little stressed thinking about how things would work out with her in the wedding. She is not social anymore, she doesn't drink, she doesn't dance and she wanted to come to the wedding alone. As we are having our wedding overseas and have a small guest list, I thought that there was a fairly good chance I would end up babysitting alot of the time. Around when I got engaged we talked alot. Now, 13 months later I rarely hear from this girl (maybe once every two months). I would recieve the occasional email, but they would be one or two sentences and not really say anything. On the flip side, I wrote to her nearly every month asking how things were and what she was up to- I even tried not to mention wedding stuff as she didn't seem all that interested and I didn't want to push things.
The bit that makes me feel tremendously bad is that she was actually diagnosed with a life-long illness around ten months ago. She never officially told me (I heard second hand) but I wrote to her letting her know whatever happened I would support her and I would be there. I completely understand that she would be having a horrible time dealing with things and my heart completely goes out to her, but it's hard trying to involve somone in your wedding when she's go so much else to deal with.
I wrote to her this week voicing what I've written above- that I understand what she's going through, that I'm offering my support and that I'm concerned whether or not she'll be able to come to the wedding. After reading alot of the symptoms online, I know that any added stress would only make her body more tierd and would enflame things. I asked her if she could come as an honoured guest then, but not as a MOH so she wouldn't have to organise things and run around last minute. She could still get ready with all us girls, get her hair done and participate in the wedding- just she wouldn't have do deal with organising any logistical things. I feel absolutely terrible about this as I feel like she will read it and think "so I'm not allowed to be your honour as I have a disease?" or feel like she has been punished for being diagnosed with something.
I've seen on FB (my fault- I shouldn't have looked..) that all of her family has de-friended me and she hasn't written back. I've known all her relatives for years and get along with them really well. I know for a fact I'm not a bridezilla and I think I have done the right thing as a friend in the long run, but I'm wondering if I did the right thing as a person (if you know what I mean.) I'm feeling pretty cruddy now and would love to hear what people think, both good and bad.
Thanks,
Ann.